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infant visitation

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besttmg1

Guest
My unmarried daughter, 19, gave birth on 09-05-00. The father originally wanted an abortion, then adoption, then stated he did not want to see his son but would be financially responsible. The father was called when his son was born and he showed up at the hospital that evening. He is a student who lives about 1.5 hours away. He has been coming home every weekend and has been allowed to see his son. He continues to call on a daily basis to say how much he loves his son. He has asked to take him for a week. My daughter told him that he is too young and that since he is breastfed, there was no way. He now wants to leave school so that we can see his son more frequently. He seems to feel he should be able to see his son daily. We have told him to pick a weekend day (i.e., Sunday, 12:00 to 3:00) to visit so that our daughter can make plans. We have hold him that we thought this would be less disruptive to everyone's schedule (his son, our daughter, and our family -- our daughter lives at home with us). He is not happy with this arrangement. We are trying to avoid a volatile situation and want to do what's fair. Can you please tell us what is the average visitation schedule placed in force by the court? I know it depends on a lot of factors, however, we are trying to avoid a legal battle.
 


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usdeeper

Guest
For a newborn, no overnight visitation until at least 18 months (I say 2 years).. visitation, once every 3 days, no more. I suggest you give him set days/time and if he has a problem with that, then let him petition the courts.

Your daughter needs to file for proper custody when she can.
 
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besttmg1

Guest
Thanks for your reply. Can you tell me what the process is to apply for custody?
 
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besttmg1

Guest
I should also mention that the father's name is not on the birth certificate at the moment. Mom, dad, and baby are going for a DNA test tomorrow at Genelex in Des Plaines. Father's father has given our daughter a check for a year's child support. Until the DNA test is done, the check will not be touched.
 
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usdeeper

Guest
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by besttmg1:
I should also mention that the father's name is not on the birth certificate at the moment. Mom, dad, and baby are going for a DNA test tomorrow at Genelex in Des Plaines. Father's father has given our daughter a check for a year's child support. Until the DNA test is done, the check will not be touched.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So there is doubt ? Anyway, for proper legal custody she needs an attorney if she wants to do it right.
 
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besttmg1

Guest
No doubt really. They both believe he is the father. Not to mention the father is Indian and the baby looks just like him. It's our doubt (mother's parents) really. We just don't feel right accepting money unless the test is done.

Thanks for your help. We had met with an attorney initially and believe we should see her again. Just didn't want to offend the father's family. They are very nice people but I know they have STRONG family values and ties and am not quite sure what they will do in the future.
 
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usdeeper

Guest
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by besttmg1:
Thanks for your help. We had met with an attorney initially and believe we should see her again. Just didn't want to offend the father's family. They are very nice people but I know they have STRONG family values and ties and am not quite sure what they will do in the future.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Read a few weeks of posts on this board to see what 'could' happen in the future. That is why it is best to sort it out now.

Good luck!

 
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navywife_tx

Guest
Let me just put my two sense in here. I don't mean and don't want to offend anyone but i would commend the father for coming around and realizing that his child is the most precious thing. Of course he should finish his schooling but this isn't about that. He needs to understand that the baby can't leave his mother this soon. My husband wanted to bring our newborn daughter to Texas for a few weeks while i was still living in Louisiana. I told him no b/c she was too young and of course he got defensive thinking it was b/c i didn't trust him. After some explaining on my part and thinking on his, he understood. If the father is smart and not hot headed, he will understand. It's good that you want to make sure he is the father before you start accepting money from his family. I have learned from my own experience with my ex husband that fathers have just as much rights to raise and spend time with their children as mothers do. Is there some reason why she won't allow him to see the baby when he wants? Other than the obvious disruption it will cause in your whole families usual routines? The actual fact, in my eyes, is that it's a matter of convienence between your daughter and the babys father, not you.I know she lives at home but it's their child. I don't want to upset anyone or tick them off but i'm just trying to be honest on my opinion.
 
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besttmg1

Guest
I appreciate your reply and am certainly not offended. I totally agree that it is a good thing that the father wants to be involved. Just not to the extent he wants. He feels that if he quits school and moves to the area he should be able to see the baby EVERY day. Given that this is a 4 week old child, there is not much for him to do when he does come over. At this point, the baby is pretty much either eating (breastfed) or sleeping. There was never a relationship between the mother and father (they dated for 6 weeks)and they barely know each other. It is an uncomfortable situation but I know it was her decision. There still remains some bitterness on her part as well. She is having a hard time understanding the father wanting an abortion or adoption. And now he wants to be so involved. What do you think is reasonable visitation for a newborn? He has been coming over and staying until past midnight at which time my daughter will have to ask him to leave -- which makes her feel bad. And, as I've stated, he calls on a daily basis -- which again, makes her feel bad. I don't think she should "feel bad" for the decision SHE made. The issue here is visitation -- and what is fair.
 
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usdeeper

Guest
What is of concern is that he has quit school. Hardly a role model for a child. I think you need to define the exact times, past midnight is just no on.. and also regular phone calls as well ? Try something like between 7pm and 9pm, Tuesday and Thursday.. and then between 2pm and 5pm Saturday. You can throw in another week day if you want but make he is well aware of the times.. ie, 9 pm, your outta here..

 
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navywife_tx

Guest
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by besttmg1:
I appreciate your reply and am certainly not offended. I totally agree that it is a good thing that the father wants to be involved. Just not to the extent he wants. He feels that if he quits school and moves to the area he should be able to see the baby EVERY day. Given that this is a 4 week old child, there is not much for him to do when he does come over. At this point, the baby is pretty much either eating (breastfed) or sleeping. There was never a relationship between the mother and father (they dated for 6 weeks)and they barely know each other. It is an uncomfortable situation but I know it was her decision. There still remains some bitterness on her part as well. She is having a hard time understanding the father wanting an abortion or adoption. And now he wants to be so involved. What do you think is reasonable visitation for a newborn? He has been coming over and staying until past midnight at which time my daughter will have to ask him to leave -- which makes her feel bad. And, as I've stated, he calls on a daily basis -- which again, makes her feel bad. I don't think she should "feel bad" for the decision SHE made. The issue here is visitation -- and what is fair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I am glad you were not offended by my reply. I agree that you should come to some set times and days that he is to come see his child. Your daughter and the child's father should sit down and work something out. Like i said, he needs to understand that the child is too young to leave his mother for a long period of time but that when he is older, she will allow him to stay for over nighters. I have a 7 yr old daughter that was conceived with a man i only knew for a month also. That didn't work out and he's never seen her b/c he's never tried.I also met a man in '98 and we got pregnant just 6 weeks later and luckily we are now married. All the child does now is sleep and eat, you are right so he shouldn't be there for long periods of time. Try and invite him and his parents over for dinner one night so that you can all talk about visitation,not only for the father but for the grandparents also. A few days a week for a few hours sounds like a start to me. I wouldn't make the baby stay away from mom for too long b/c of feedings but she can sometimes use a pump so that the dad can take a bottle with him. Maybe once your daughter and the father get to know each other, some good may come out of it. You need to help him understand that he's hounding your daughter by staying so late if the baby is sleeping. With a little reasoning i'm sure he will see that you are not trying to keep him from his child.Encourage him to stay in school so that he can be a good role model for his son and if you keep up your end of the bargain by letting him see his son when he's home, i'm sure he'll back off a little.
 

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