A little funny for you all..........

[LadyBlu]

Subject: Fw: Super Granny

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four
males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags
and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice,
"I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found
her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags
into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter
and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males
were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white,
less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Ah, senior moments!

 

[Ukiah]

Johnny: Dad, I want to marry.

Dad: Who do you want to marry?

Johnny: Grandma.

Dad: You can't marry MY Mom!

Johnny: Then why did you marry mine?!


There, I was finally able to add one on, last time I tried, it disappeared.


What's worse than a "Senior Moment"?

A Blonde "Senior Moment"!!

 

[LadyBlu]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What's worse than a "Senior Moment"?

A Blonde "Senior Moment"!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I have been having alot of moments lately, lol, not sure wht category they would fall under...

 

[gotbeer]

.

 

[Henny]

LADYBLUE

i am stenny00 in disguise *g*. couldn't log on here with stenny00 , forgot my password...*oh, those blonde moments* gosh...
anyway i love the story about the old granny and the car. *ROFLROFLROFL*

will post an updte on my case "ex won't return child"

 

[LadyBlu]

Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

[Tigres]

I like 1 & 19 best!

Tig

 

[lauralou]

I am a medical transcriptionist, and a perfectionist, I might add. This is true. You do see this stuff on medical records. It's a good reminder of how important my job is. Thanks for the laugh!

 

[LadyBlu]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lauralou:
I am a medical transcriptionist, and a perfectionist, I might add. This is true. You do see this stuff on medical records. It's a good reminder of how important my job is. Thanks for the laugh!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL, my 70something yr old uncle that still works part time as a security guard and rides a Harley all over the country sends me these things.. lol(he discovered the internet a couple of years ago) I have no idea where he gets this stuff from..

 

[Tigres]

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas,.
Love, Mom

 

[LadyBlu]

I guess I am not the only one that has invisible post problems... hmmmm

 

[Illinois Parent]

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A Stick

What do lawyers call Santa's Helper's?
Subordinate clauses.

What do you call four bullfibhters in quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people sky dive?
It scares the dogs.

How do you catch a unique wabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame wabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

 

[navywife_tx]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tigres:
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is --the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas,.
Love, Mom

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LMAO!! This one was toooo funny i couldn't stop laughing..

 

[LadyBlu]

Mary received a parrot for her birthday. The parrot
was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse
vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't
expletives were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to
change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite
words, playing soft music... anything he could think
of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. She
shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the
parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a
few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was
absolute quiet.

Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt
the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm
and said, "I'm very sorry that I offended you with my
language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I
will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it
will never happen again.".

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's
attitude and was about to ask what had changed him,
when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken
did?"

 

[Tigres]

A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it.

As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel."

Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."

"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"


The little girl asked her mommy, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs gray?"

Mommy said, "Everytime you do something naughty or get hurt really bad, I get another gray hair."

This satisfied the little girl and, for a few minutes, she sat thinking about it.

Then, she asked, "Mommy, where did Grandma get all her gray hairs?"

This is a true story. My friend and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.

One day, in Paris, my friend went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

My friend was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners."


[This message has been edited by Tigres (edited November 04, 2000).]