Long term marriages...Living with the what if's

Well, I could write a book, but like IAAL says, the legal system doesn't need emotion, "just the facts ma'm"...Good old Joe Friday!
I have many questions, and no where to start. I guess to capsulate this: 25 year marriage, husband had large wages, 401 K in controversy as he says I am not entitled to it, he met woman half his age and moved in with her in another state so he thinks he is not within Florida jurisdiction, no kids, he says ( after $50,000.00 in legal fees and a two year on/off battle ) "he'd rather see the lawyers get it than me"....but we are still not divorced, and he never filed, just would not return to the marriage. Wanted to live with her, keep the money, stay married to keep from having to part with money and marry her, yet expected me to "like this arrangement". There is a book I think, titled, "Why I still love the bum"...it applied to me. Sure I don't like being 52, starting over after 25 years, losing to a younger woman is a big esteem downer, but am I entitled to half of the 401 K and the pension. I worked 25 years too, just let him handle the finances and he said he was taking care of "our" retirement. I have no idea if he has hidden anything, and full disclosures were made, but who knows if they are the truth. He lied in his depositions about many things, yet only I know what he told me, and it's his word against mine. But, I have an ace in the whole, a witness, his best friend.
Trouble is I never wanted a divorce, and tried to reconcile, but he would not go to marriage counseling, mediation, or accept a settlement. Now $50,000.00 later, my business is in ruins due to the outflow of legal fees, and trying to maintain the house and the business. We had a upper middle class lifestyle and a marital residence that required two incomes to maintain. Now suddenly, he wants to give me a home I can't afford, and has a plus and minus list to deduct inflated things off his 401K , so I end up with nothing. He was a good man, a loving husband, and provider. I can forgive, but he just is inflated with his new admirer. Will she love him in another 10 years when he is 70 and she is still young. Why throw away a 25 year marriage. You see, it is impossible to sort out all the emotions in such a situation. I do not envy the judges, and I see why the legal system is so backed up wit all the motions and counter motions and on and on and on....I have no beef with lawyers, except, like psychiatrists, they keep you coming back...I feel they should fix the wound, then exit. I don't trust them, but we do need them. Their education was expensive, but $250.00 an hour....I don't know. I tried pro se, but you are in for a real eye opener if you don't cross every T and dot every i.
I guess we had to go to no fault for this reason, so all the emotion is out of it. Except, for one small detail. The person who is going to decide the fate of the rest of your lives, it all hinges on how he got out of bed that morning or if he had a fight with his wife the night before. It is scary, one man make the difference. I wish my husband could see the benefit of mediation and the good it could do,not just the cost, but to really hash things out with someone who knows how to be truly unbiased. I gave it my all, and I truly would drop the whole thing in a heartbeat if he really would come home and mean it, not just say it. He says, "why did I file for divorce, he was coming home, but now I made him mad and now he is not"...I guess the real tear jerker was the silver wedding anniversary. He promised me so many times for the past two years he was really going to leave her and come home, but he would definately be home for the big 25! Well, I prepared like a bride for the big occassion, telling all my friends, and the day came and went without even a phone call, card, roses, or anything. He even went with "her" on a trip to get away...I spent the day alone, and waited until midnight for my knight in shinning armour to come back. I filed for divorce the next day, and when he was served, made the fatal statement, "why do you always have to rush into things. We are just going through some rough waters". I am not a "ball basher". I hate these divorce support groups that sit around and tell "hate men" stories, and he was and is a handsome and sucessful man. But he is controlling and it is hard for me to be patient and let the legal system work. I panic, and do all the emotional stuff the lawyers hate. Can't cry in court, I haven't worn mascara in 2 years....( those images of Tammy Fay, ugh!) I wanted to write a book called, "you can get divorced and wear mascara"...thought it would be a good title.
A lot of lives are affected,not just the couple getting seperated or divorced. Families are torn as they are forced to take sides. I love his family, but now suddenly I am no longer family? After 25 years...Friends are divided. Our couple friends take sides, yet, suddenly, I feel like the 5th wheel. I am easy prey for the men who know you haven't had sex in 2 years, so they want you to cry on their shoulder...
I am a Christian, so I try to pray for the bitterness to leave my heart, for the love to return to his, but I am sure there is a plan to this, but do I see it? Thus, I even fight with God. No, there are no winners in this type of situation. I agree, the children cases take priority of course and the battered wives too. But mental abuse is not seen on the outside, but just as damaging. Suddenly you need more and more sleeping pills to get to bed, to get the images out of your mind of him and her...and what they are doing during Jay Leno. And the memories. Guess who gets possession of the picture albums, the furnture, the momentos of all the good times you had...? Every time I see our favorite restaurant, a red convertible, a golf course, smell his cologne. I miss being a wife. My business does not take its place. I go through the day like a robot, and I sound like a whinner to my friends because all I talk about is him and this divorce. I don't want it, but what was I to do? That is the "what if's" that I will live with forever.
Well, so much for capsulating it.
I never even got to my questions.
How do you discover hidden assets. Can I be assured of a share of the 401 K, as it is my retirement too. My salary went for groceries and things for the house, his went into the big stuff and into the 401K. Sure he earned it, but I did my part. I am tired and want to retire too, and why should the "little honey" get the benefit of what I worked for all my life, plus him too. She is not in it for the money, as she has a career and mommy and daddy to buy her home and stuff, so she just wants him. I can't compete with her hard body and good looks, but I thought we would age together. I am a dreamer, but I can't see the reality of life like this, after all these years, to end like this. Well, who said life was fair, but, I guess we both were at fault, I just wish I could have fixed it. And if I hear one more "there are other fish in the sea" phrases I will throw up. I need an lawyer, an accountant, a psychiatrist, a priest, a good friend, the love of my family, but most of all, I need the love of the man I spent half of my life with and who was my best friend. All of a sudden he is an alien, a monster, a bad guy to everyone but me.
My heart says drop the divorce, let the $50,000.00 be a lesson in life, and take a chance he will come home. My "board of directors ( the men mentioned above) vote different. The Chairman of the Board up in heaven, well, his vote is not in yet. I wonder what the general concensus is out there in "chat land". Do I belong on this bulletin board? I guarantee my next entry will be short, concise, questions, and maybe IAAL will answer them. I try to be open to all advice. Matters of the heart are not easy to decide so easily. I apologize to those that don't like long winded soap operas, and I thank anyone who might be willing to give me some clearer perspectives on this issue. I thougt I had my questions formulated, but after reading 3 months of others questions, I got off t

Your story is a very common story, knowing that probably doesn't make it any easier.
I know nothing about the legal aspects in your post. I am just posting toward the emotional aspect of this letter. Everyone does make mistakes and it does take two to make a marriage, but not always to break a marriage. You are emotionaly "kicking" your self, shifting blame, to you. You can't find answers to "why" he left you over her,
so you come up with the answer, it is me.
He knows this is not what you wanted, he knows he could come back. He knows you would do most anything to salvage your marriage. The ball is in his court, he has taken far to long out of this marriage for a mere mistake. He is waiting it out for as long as he can. I believe he probaby does like his ego stroked, and like the "hard body", but this is not an errand child. He is a man that has responsibility who obviously doesn't want any. You need to question yourself. Does he try to help with any finaces, he must know you are struggling.
A man that still loves NOT cares, would atleast help you. If he isn't he probably is farther gone that you think. He very well may come back to you. I think in time he probably will, but,only if she does him wrong, or dumps him. Unless she gets pregnant. But, giving your all doesn't mean your getting his all. I would suggest trying to move on gradually. Make a new goal each day, or each week. You will get to a better place than you are now eventually.
Don't wait on him. I am a christian to, and I believe in the eyes of our lord, he has already broken the agreement for you. Put away his things, you are grieving over something that can never be the same again.
You may one day have a life with him, but it can never be the old life. And honestly, it sounds to me like you never really had "ALL" of him anyway. He sound to me as though he kept a secret side from you, obviously he did at some point or you would not be in this situation.
Best of Luck to you.