This is my situation**************

CALIFORNIA

I was 21, in a serious relationship with a guy who had a daughter from a previous relationship. He seemed to be a good father, spoiled her rotten, hardly disciplined her, and allowed her to sleep with him before we got together. When we got married, and found out I was pregnant, things were good for a little while, and until I found out I was having a girl. He wanted a boy, not only because he already had a girl, but also because his ex had a boy almost a year earlier.

After we found out I was having a girl, things went down hill, he wanted nothing to do with me, wasn't interested in going to the doctor appointments, nothing. I had to drive my self to the hospital when I went into labor. When he finally showed up, he was more interested in finding something to eat (knowing I couldn’t eat anything) and watching TV!

Labor was EASY! Two hours of hard labor, and two pushes and she was out. While the nurses cleaned up my baby, and did whatever they do with newborns, my husband decided it was the right moment to say, “Now, I want a boy”. I told him a few choice words and to have it by himself. The next day we went home, and as soon as we walked in the door, he told me not to play favorites, but that he might on the side of his older daughter. I was very mad, to say the least. And that was the beginning of the end…

As my daughter got to those special moments in her life, he wanted nothing to do with her, all the while comparing my baby to his older daughter. We argued a lot about the children, his ex, and basically stupid things. It got to be too much. By the time my daughter was 9 months old, we weren’t sleeping in the same room, I slept on the couch, with my daughter in her crib, or with me.

He had treated her badly during the few times he spent time with her (we were still married), He put her in her crib after she spit up on him (2 months old), spanked her when she was three months old for crying, yelled at her at various times when she continued to cry or was hungry. He shook her when she was 5 months old, and still has a lump on her neck, 8 years later. Once while changing her diaper, he bent one leg back and had the other pinned under his foot and ignored her screaming. The result of that was the development of a hip problem (which is OK now).

I was trying to save money to leave, had no where to go, and no one to go to, all my family was in different states, none of which were desirable to me to live in (I found out later, I should and could have gone anywhere). My Mom lived in a very small town of 2,000 people, no jobs, no car, worse than staying with husband, and Dad was in TX (and very religious).

When I finally did have a place to go after I got my daughter back, he started his games of Jealousy, and one-up-man ship. Treating my daughter like she was a pawn in a chess game. He didn’t care when we were stuck walking in the rain, that she would get sick, he would drive by and honk or flip me off or call out names. Never once did he stop and say, “Hey, you need a ride?” He was so mad at me for leaving, he couldn’t think clearly enough to do what was right, but then he didn’t care about my daughter.

He refused to buy diapers for her, so I hawked my ring to get her what she needed! Her godfather, Bless him, takes his role very seriously from the day she was born to the day he dies! He didn’t let her go without in the times I didn’t have welfare. This MAN was asked to be her godfather by my X, when they were friends, now my X denies ever asking him.

I took my daughter out to my mom’s for a visit while I prepared to go thru with the divorce. Snag… Welfare wouldn’t help me because my child was visiting her grandmother out of state. I talked to husband and fell into his Hitler – type charisma (trap) and went back to him. My daughter was with my Mom for a couple of weeks while all this was going on. A month later, a friend took me to go get my daughter, because husband didn’t want to spend the money to go get her. He could care less!! Never mentioned anything of her and ignored my asking to go get her. He found the box of money I was saving and spent it all, I didn’t know until it was too late!

I again tried to leave, and was talked into coming back, thinking this time he would change and quit partying so much, and quit abusing my daughter, and comparing her to my step-daughter. He did change temporarily. Except partying, I felt that he would eventually change that as well.

Boy was I wrong!! He wasn’t partying; he was cheating on me with someone I knew (not a close friend but I did know her through a friend). I had a feeling and kept the conversation recorder on (we used it against his ex for harassing phone calls and threats, etc.) and found out that he was talking to her while I was in the shower or went to the store or whatever. He even had her over while I went grocery shopping, and she put my daughter’s hair up in a ponytail, something he can’t do! When I asked my daughter who did her hair, she said HER (mistress) name!! I was furious, when I confronted him with the information and recordings I had, he said it wasn’t him! He has a unique name and no one else in the town has the same name!!! On top of that, his oldest daughter told her Mom that he was touching her! When he was at work, I changed the locks and had him served at work – so that he wouldn’t come back to the house. He moved in with his mistress

I didn’t care what he did to me; I’d get over it. But he did something he KNEW I was against, and as mush as I felt bad for his older girl, I wasn’t going to put my daughter at risk. He was put on supervised visits for a time, and then somehow, got her to say that she was only joking!!

I love my daughter from the day she was born. She was the sweetest most precious being that had ever come into my life! I was a mother, not knowing what that entailed, because up to the time she was born, I wasn’t allowed to get close to my stepdaughter, by her father. I took my role as her mother, teacher, and protector very seriously. No one can protect a child better than a parent.

When my daughter was 2 years old, she touched me “The same way Daddy does” and I thought I was doing the right thing by calling Child Protective Services, who did nothing! They didn’t even talk to her, or assess her in anyway.

Then my daughter started coming home with bruises, handprint bruises. I took pictures, as well as called the police! They did nothing!! I put a restraining order on him and girlfriend, it was quashed!!

I started to realize that he was such a good liar, that everyone started believing him over the truth! Even when they seen for them selves what was going on!!! On top of that, He continued to abuse my daughter, and get away with it. His girlfriend went along with it! My little girl told me that SHE (GF) made the bruises on my daughter. I told her that I would KILL her if she ever laid another hand on my daughter!

I tried to get a S.A.R.T. exam (Sexual Assault Response Team) for my daughter, but the police wouldn’t give me a referral! By this time in her life she was afraid of him, and I had to force her to go, the courts wouldn’t allow me to get a restraining order on them. He was allowed to stalk me harass me at work (until I lost the job) and the police didn’t care! His Aunt was sleeping with most of the cops in town!

I put my daughter in therapy, and there were significant findings against the GF and my X, but again, the judge wouldn’t allow it in court! He had the mediator eating out of his palm!! He could do no wrong.

We were in and out of court so often that when we’d see the judge in a store, he would call us by our names!! And the police rookies and such, were Briefed on our situation!! I was scared for the both of us! She would constantly ask if I was going to die, and telling me that she didn’t want me to die!! He told my daughter that he was going to have me killed!

The Judge wouldn’t even allow my 5 years of documentation to be admitted in court, because my X convinced them that I had made it all up. I have 5 journals that I kept while eve

I just wanted to say that reading what you have been through breaks my heart. I cannot say that I know how you feel because other then my ex kidnapping my son when he was 2yrs old, out of his bed in the middle of the night I have had my kids with me since. It did take me two heartbreaking weeks to get him back then, and I didnt think I would survive it. You are a strong person and that will get you through this, no matter what happens. As to studying the laws for your state regarding custody, support, visitation I would highly recommend it.
I do have a question about the older child and the touching that went on, does the mother of the other child know about this? Did she pursue any type of charges against him if she was aware of this? Is there any way that you could get her to go to court as a witness in regards to the sexual abuse?
My heart and prayers are with you and I wish the best for you and your daughter.

I am sorry to hear what you and your daughter have been thru. What a heartbreaking story. I still have tears in my eyes. Please know that my prayers are with you!

To answer you TxBlu,

Yes, the mother of his older daughter was aware. She went to C.P.S., and they did put him on supervised visits (the woman doing the supervision let him take her places and spend time alone with his daughter). When I tried to bring it up in court, the Judge said that was a separate case, because the children didn’t have the same parents!!!! Yet my daughter is his daughter! And the two girls are blood related!

No she won’t go to court on my side and I don’t think I would want her either, I tried to be friends with this woman and tell her that I wasn’t there to take her child away from her, and she still played games and my husband fell for them! When I left, they became very good friends and remain the same with his new wife! Even though she doesn’t pay support, and she doesn’t see her daughter, and is in and out of jail all the time, doing drugs, you name it. She has 5 children by 5 different men! And they all live with the fathers.

I honestly think that if I was down and out that my X would be more sympathetic. But I can’t stoop to his level of those games. Not even to get my daughter back. I have never lied when it comes to my daughter, in a way I wish I could, but that would be wrong. I don't want his sympathy, I would never accept his fake sympathetic acts towards me because he IS a liar and he can't change!

In all honesty, I hope to get a call some day saying that he's been in an accident or killed. He deserves no less for everything he has done to both his girls and me (more for the girls). But I also feel that it will never happen, and so I continue to seek all the legal expertise I can and learn all that I can tp prepare for the future problems that are ahead.

Due to some medical conditions, I can’t have any other children, she is my one and only, this is why I love her so much. Not to say that if I could have more children that I would forget about her, because I wouldn’t, she IS m life. I love her so much that it feels like I don’t have room in my heart for anyone else. I have learned so much from my daughter that I don’t want to lose what we have together. I’m afraid that he will “brain-wash” her the older she gets!!

I thank you both for replying and for your kind words.

Ukiah