need advice......

I want to know if I can somhow name my boyfriend as like primary custodian of my 3 childrenm they are now 8, 9, and 11. I have been divorced for about 3 1/2 years and in the divorce, my ex-husband got custody of them, because I had nothing, no furniture, job, money - nothing, he lived (at the time) 1/2 mile from his mother, so I knew the kids would be taken care of and I did see them every weekend, while he had them. Then after I got settled and had more, he dropped them off with me because he couldn't take care of them or afford them. That was 3 years ago. I have had them since, he just started paying child support in August of 1999, but does not pay every month, cuz he is always between jobs, he also lives with his mother, brother, friends, (does not have a place of his own), he does not get in touch with the kids, no cards, no letters, no phone calls, the only times he saw the kids in the last year, was when we went in about the child support, and for Thanksgiving and Christmas, when they were spending time with his mother and he happened to show up there. (That's 3 days in the last year that my kids have seen their father!!!!) Well, about 2 years ago, I met this great guy, and have been living with him for most of that time. The kids love him and he loves the kids, he has 4 kids of his own, 3 that come over every weekend, all the kids get along great! I have talked to my bf about what I wanted to do, if anything were to happen to me. I really wouldn't want them to go to their dad, cuz he is so "unsettled" and that's no kind of life for kids. My bf and I own the house and 20 acres, he is working with and going to school to beacome a master plumber, so I know the kids would never go without anything if they were to stay with him. My mother and my ex's mother, both agree that that would be best for the kids. Neither of them see my ex changing (for the better) anytime soon. My bf agrees that if this were to happen and I wasn't around, the kids would still see their dad and grandparents, just as they do now, he wouldn't keep them from any of their family. Would I be able to do this, and how would I go about doing this????? Please give me some kind of advice.

I'm sorry, I forgot to mention, I live in Wisconsin. Please give me some advice. I have talked to friends about this and they also agree, if that helps.

yes, there is something you can do. If your ex is willing to sign away his parental rights. Then there's abandonment. I'm not sure what the laws for this are in your state, but you can contact your local child advocate office and they can tell you.

i do not believe there is abandonment if he signs over his parental rights. as i understand it (in most states) termination of rights can only happen if a third party (another couple or new spouse) adopts the child/children. otherwise a parents rights are hardly ever terminated. of course i am sure there are exceptions. if money is a problem (i have told just about anyone that i have responded to) you need to check your phone book or chamber of commerce for a legal aid office. they will usually speak to you for either not charge or based on your income. you do need legal advice, but one thing to think about...i can't recall if you mentioned how long you and your boyfriend had been together, but do you want someone who is not a spouse adoption your child/children? (if that could even be done?) you and your boyfriend must realize that should he be allowed to adopt them then they become legally his children and all that implies. should anything happen to your relationship it would be your boyfriend who would be responsible for child support, medical insurance, etc. again, seek legal counsil.

Hi kew470- more than we'd like to admit it, men see their family as the success in our lives. As you wrote, when you first split, he was doing better, and he had the kids. For whatever reason, things snowballed for him, and fell apart. As for living with his mother, do you think you'd be faulted for staying with yours, if things fell apart for you?
He sounds to be stuck in a cycle that will need a while to recover from. Remember, you once loved him enough to say 'I do'.
The worst thing for a man to deal with is the alienation, not from you in this case, it appears, of his kids. If we've had enough time to bond with the kids they become our focus.
I am a dad, with custody of 6 kids, with one missing. My focus is on the one missing, a beautiful little girl.
Point is, if you were to pass, God to prevent, he'd probably change, as for now, his role as the father is being dictated to him, by a divorce decree, resulting in limited access to the kids.
In spite of what you can do, I predict he will fight to the last, if it was matter of your bf, or him having the kids.
Only the lowest would abandon their kids.
As a child of a re-defined family, my father would have gotten us, if my mom passed, and my DAD would have been out of the picture, which would have been tragic...
If your ex- agrees, it's not because he doesn't love the kids, he'll feel there is no option left. Please tell the kids that he loves them, even if you succeed in changing the guardianship. Good Luck-PS


[This message has been edited by PapaSmurf (edited May 13, 2000).]

KEW470

Armydad and Papasmurf have given you good advice, take heed. Both parents are essential to the emotional well being of our children, regardless of the situation we have put them in. It does sound like he is down on his luck, and this could be playing a role in his actions. Men are most often thought of as the providers for their faimlies. When they can't do that, they withdraw. Unlike women, we need to face things head on and deal with things as they happen. Men (not all) tend to feel if they ignore the problem it will go away. Then there is the male ego and pride. If only they could learn to set these things aside occasionally.
As for abandoment, I was referring to him not seeing, calling and just not wanting anything to do with them (this goes for financially also) and is not even trying, then there could possibly be an issue. Is he paying child support when he works and just not paying when he is between jobs? If this is the case, then maybe he is trying.
I would consider the advice Papa and armydad gave you about your bf adopting.

Thank you all for replying. I do understand different aspects of what each of you had to say. One other question I have, before actually going to talk to a lawyer is about the custody through the courts. According to written court documentation, he still has custody of the kids during the school year, but has not had them and barely has seen them in the last 3 years. I have not really been able to afford to go into court to have this revised as of yet. I will, however, take into consideration what was said about the financial part of that. The court and the child support agency both know when the kids were dropped off to me, so I know it will be no problem to get it switched. As for child support, his own mother believes that he moves on from job to job, to get out of paying. Within the last 2 months, he has been doing a job with his brother (in construction) and staying with his brother, and I have not yet seen any money from him for 'his' 3 kids, I know he got paid (cash) for it and it was good money, because his mother talks to his brother and wife all the time --- he couldn't send not one penny for the kids. What's up with that?! I don't know either. Thank you all again for replying. Any other ideas, let me know. kew