non custodial mom refuses to maintain regular visitation

We live in Florida. My husband has had shared custody and primary residence of his 12 year old son since his ex was divorced by her husband of 10 years. (In that divorce, she also gave her two girls to their father.) Even though both dads have shared custody, mom does NOTHING for the children. It has proven futile for either dad to get her to maintain regular visitation. She will go for a month without calling or seeing any of the kids. She rarely wants all of her kids at once, so the dads have been arranging for her three children to see each other without her. She always has some excuse why she can't see the kids, that is, when she bothers to return the kid's or dad's calls about visitation. When she does bother to see any of the kids, she always blames her absence on the other parent. We all live in close proximity, so it is difficult to explain to the kids why the mom they have grown up with and who only lives 5 minutes away, doesn't see them. She was not asked to pay child support to either dad. Is there anyway to enforce her emotional support?

[usmcfamily]

You cannot force a person to be a parent - you can collect court ordered financial support but there is no way to enforce emotional support for the simple reason that there is no way to enforce emotions of any kind. Visitation is a court ordered right granted the non-custodial parent ..... but like all the other rights we are given we are not required to exercise them.
I am not sure, though, why you think it would serve the emotional interest of the children to "force" their mother to be there - children are not clueless and WILL realize that she doesn't mean it (and she won't if she is forced into it!). Please do no get me wrong - I have been in your shoes and spent three years begging someone to be a parent ....to no avail.
Rather, I have a suggestion for YOU - do EXACTLY what you are doing....you be the emotional support and love that these children need. Parenthood is not who donated the genetic material, but who kisses the boo-boos.....that is what these children are going to grow up knowing. You seem to be saying that they don't have a mother....I think they do - you.
If she is this completely uninterested in her own children (how can anyone do that?)and is not paying support the most sensible step is to legally assume the role yourself ....yes, adoption. Please, understand, I do not suggest this lightly, but if you look at it from the third party point of view maybe it will help ..... right now these children are legally bound to someone who has made it pretty clear she doesn't want them - you have made it clear, just by posting here, that you love them deeply and want what is best for them....well, which is better - having a mother who doesn't care or being adopted by someone who chooses you over everyone else in the whole world --- talk about a way to tell a child just how special they are! Have you and your husband considered this? With the lack of financial and emotional support it would be fairly easy to file for termination on the grounds of abandonment and from the sounds of it I doubt she would put up much of a fight. Personally I think it is more important to provide the children with a secure stable home than a DNA match
I am curious, though, before we get rid of the bio-mom if you, or anyone, has sat down with her and had a "mom-to-mom" talk about her apparent lack of inclination to parent? Is she mentally/emotionally stable? I mean that w/the utmost respect....her lack of caring could indicate a serious problem for which she could use treatment. From your post you sound as though you really want for her to be the parent you think she ought to be ..... maybe that is going to require a little more effort on your part than I am sure you have already invested. If that is what you are hoping to accomplish I would seriously suggest trying to address it to her yourself in a one-on-one conversation or if you think there is any credence to my question of her mental status perhaps seek her help with that and help her to get back to where she can be the mom you so want for these kids.
Two very different ways you could go about this ...... guess the choice is yours.
Prayers be with you

Thanks usmcfamily!! You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that I love my step son deeply. His sisters (who live whith his mom's other ex and his girlfriend) have become like a part of our family. I get so frustrated watching their mom fly in and out of these kids lives like they have no feelings. I don't know how she, as a mom, can do this to them, but I am not her and probably will never understand her. She has already said she will not consent to adoption, how long does she have to be absent to be considered abandonment? A week ago, she told my husband she wanted to "give up her rights" to her son. My husband all but begged her not to do this since she raised the child for 10 years. He couldn't understand how she could just throw him away like that. She called the next day and said as long as he promises her not to file for child support and doesn't pressure her for visitation, she would not give him up. What kind of deal is that!? Anyway, I have been unable to find info about child abandonment. We don't have a lot of money to spend on a lawyer...we did all the custody papers ourselves and have a great judge. Any suggestions?

I have no legal advise for you, but I can recomend that you keep a log of EVERYTIME she has any contact with the child. Phone and visits along with the times. It has helped me in court. I hope it will help you to.

[usmcfamily]

Now that I know you would want to adopt the boy we have a direction to go - unfortunately, your best chance has already passed you by ...... she offered to voluntarily terminate her parental rights, which is exactly what needs to happen to allow for an adoption. What I don't understand is that she wanted to give them up but has said she will fight an adoption? Well, I have some bad news for her - no family court in the system will allow her to terminate those rights UNLESS someone else (you!) is there willing/able to assume those rights and responsibilities as the "new" mom....an adoption!! I would suggest that your husband approach her again about her willingness to give the boy up and if she is still willing you can proceed from there. As to the abandonment it depends on the local statutes (and, no I haven't had time to look up for Florida yet but will try to get it to you soon or you can look too) but the majority of the states I do know of typically consider you eligible to file for termination on the grounds of "abandonment" if the bio-parent has made no effort to financially or emotionally support the minor child for a period of 12 months - however there is nothing written in stone that you can't pursue this now....you need to see a family law attorney in your are and tell him of the situation. Explain she is using "giving up her rights" as a threat to avoid paying support or having anything to do with her child - that is NOT going to look good to a judge when it comes down to making a decision. In most cases when the bio-parent is so UNWILLING to parent and a Step-parent WANTS to parent the case will go through....although if she does fight it might get ugly. Best idea is to see the attorney (most offer FREE initial consultation!!!)and tell him all and ask him what your chances are to terminate her rights and proceed w/an adoption case - the attorneys there will know the local judges and can make a better judgement of what your chances in that particular court system are.
Any other ?'s, don't hesitate to ask...just know you are NOT alone in this sad situation
Prayers be with you

Thanks for your responses...you have helped to put things into perspective...One more question...my husband and I talked briefly about adoption today, and he thinks that it would be better for his boy to have me full time--since my feelings and the way I take care of him will not change due to a change in the custody arrangement--and mom whenever we can get her instead of "writing her off" by adoption. She did have primary custody of him until her divorce 2 years ago and was an ok mom (not great, but definately ok!) What we are wondering now is, is there any point in asking for a modification of the custody order and ask for sole legal and physical custody of the child, and give mom the more liberal "reasonable visitation" since she only sees him at her convenience as it is? I think sole custody is usually only ordered when the other parent is abusive, but under the circumstances, what is the point of her having "shared custody and responsibility" when she refuses to do anything consistant--she isn't sharing!! Even though she is barely involved, she still has the right to "veto" anything she doesn't like. If I understand correctly, the parent with sole legal and physical custody has all the decision making responsibilities. We definately don't want to hinder mother and son's relationship since it is already so sporatic, but to keep her from undermining dad's decisions in the future...it this worth looking into?

[usmcfamily]

In reagards to "sole" custody.....yes, you should pursue that avenue if you are indeed wanting to maintain a relationship between monther and son (for which I applaud your efforts and HOPE she will take you up on it). No, it is not only for an abusive situation - I am the "sole custodial parent" of my own daughter and her father was NOT abusive. This is one option that is there for anyone who files a petition for custody. I think more people need to be aware of that fact - I prepared my own documents and so had to learn it to do it right - you can petition for any type of custody contract you want, it is up to the judge to decide if you are being fair and sign in or to modify it and sign it. In this case, where the child is already basically in your sole custody you are simply attempting to "legalize" it so that it can't be changed on the mother's whim. I would suggest that you contact an attorney to start the process of modifying the original custody order - and once again applaud you and your husband for wanting to maintain liberal visitation available to her - I hope she will use it! She doesn't know what she is missing!!!!
Good Luck.

Thanks for the info...you have been so much help...we will definately look into the sole custody issue...hopefully mom will realize what she is missing out on and will utilize the visitation.