Parents (esp. Fathers)...maybe you can help

I am in a pickle about someone else's problem. This is a legal AND moral question. My boyfriend was married before and has a 5 year old daughter. His Xwife has full custody and did not cooperate on letting him visit the girl (he was also in the Army so he was away a lot). Stupidly, he did not fight for his rights at that time in the correct way although he did make many efforts to see the daughter. In frustration with the whole situation and all the fights w/ the X over it, he slumped into depression and decided to let the fight go. This was 3-4 years ago (and he has now not been a physical part of the girl's life since she was 1 year old). He has continued to pay child support however. Now, he has left the Army is trying to improve his life, and get out of the debt the whole divorce thing has caused. He was just going to look into trying to get his X to comply w/ or modify visitation when she recently contacted him and asked him if he would allow her new (and third) husband to adopt the child. He has agreed to this. These are his reasons: 1. He is VERY financially unstable now and lives in a different state from the X and daughter (realistically it may be a long battle) 2. He feels his not having been a part of the daughter's life does not help his case for asking for more visitation rights, etc.(since the daughter does not know him) 3. (Most important to him), he knows the X will fight tooth and nail with him and play with the girl's mind about him being a bad person/father (he has seen his X do this about the father of her other daughter from a her previous marriage), 4. and even though he hates losing his child and letting the X "win" he knows his daughter is in good hands. He feels it is in the best interest of the child to concede defeat and allow her to have a stable home environment that she is already used to and to spare the child a nasty legal battle and possible psychological endangerment. He hopes when she is older, they can be reunited. So Fathers (and others, my legal question is: is his case as hopeless as he makes it sound? Also, what do you think about his "best interest" idea? Moral question: Is he just giving up too soon or could the kid actually be better off?

You can't force someone to do something they have already given up on.

Don't think for one minute that if you and he were in the same situation he'd just walk away from that child. Maybe if you and he were to get married and have a child, he may want to be there for that child and be a great father because he already knows how important it is to keep the relationship with the child.

He probably feels very badly about not doing what he should have done in the first place. Ask him if he honestly wants to have the relationship with his child, if he says yes, then tell him you will help in every way. If he says no it's too late, then let it go. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink......

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Ukiah:
[B]You can't force someone to do something they have already given up on...

Thanks Ukiah for answering. I guess I asked the question becuase in my value system he should be SURE his hands are truly tied before making such as lasting decision. That is why I was curious if any of you knew if there was something more legally he could do or some hope. But I guess the whole thing can be a bit draining when youre actually going through this and you have to weigh the costs. Thanks for your response. Maybe others will respond and add their perspective.

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The problem with the system is that it comes down to money. The problems he is facing with visitation are easily fixed if you have 5k a year for legal fees. If you have no money then it comes down to how quickly he can educate himself in the system and learn how to do all of this himself. How to prepare the forms, file them, present the petition to a judge etc..

PAS is the real danger, it is very difficult to prove and is absolutely damning in its effect. If you are able to prove it, then you have grounds for a change in custody but the child is already so against the NCP then life is hell.

Basically, when the NCP has no money and the CP is mean and controlling, then a relationship with the child is going to be VERY difficult.. some would say impossible.

But, who is to say that in 2 years time the NCP has not got a good job, a nice home, good income and is finally in a position to fight ?

(This is a delayed reaction) Thanks usdeeper. Thanks for your insight. Incidently, my boyfriend has decided to NOT give the child up for adoption and will try to fight for her even if he will have to wait two years befroe he can do it. Thanks again.