I came home for lunch and upon reading your post, forgive me, but I laughed. There is a lesson that I learned many years ago that I would pass on to you. Every hen has her own roost. She had hers in the house that you are living in and now you have yours. She still feels that the house belongs to her and it is her house in her mind. You are the intruder. I know, I know, you bought the house from her but her roost is still that house. The wear on the banister, the squeak in the kitchen floor, the sound the cabinets make when you open them. It is difficult and almost impossible for two women to live in the same house and occupy the same home, the same kitchen, the same yard. It is an unspoken rule. It is the roost theory.
If it is your husband’s grandmother and she is 79, I can only surmise that you are around 25. That is the time in one’s life that you are establishing who you are and what you want and how you want it. I can only hope that you will be the person to bend. It is difficult for you to understand how she is feeling because you just see her as an angry, bitter woman. Sure she is angry; you are in her house. One of the biggest things that you can do is to be kind. Not just mouthing the words, but honestly from your heart, kind. I understand what you are going through because my mother is living with me (she is 85). Although many times I would love to have the kitchen to myself, she is the reason I am the person I am today and I try to always be kind and polite even if she is mean and angry.
Look in your phone book and there should be some place that oldsters can go even if it is for a few hours during the day. Go there without her. If it is a nice place to be, then talk to the director and ask the director to call and invite her to visit. The problem is that most oldsters feel that they are unwanted and don’t want to intrude upon anyone. That is the purpose of the invitation. She needs to feel wanted. I also found a wonderful place that keeps her two days a week. I re-arrange my schedule and take her there and pick her up. She gets to visit different people and has a great time. My mother’s mind is clear, it is only her body that is failing and yes, she was just as angry and just as bitter as it sounds like your husband’s grandmother is. I absolutely killed her with kindness. She is so healthy and happy now and I know in my heart that I did the best for her.
About the cooking…I took all cooking privileges away from her except toast. I make it my duty to make sure she has three meals a day and some snacks. If my job takes me away from the house for a few days, I call Meals on Wheels and they take over where I can’t.
It is almost impossible for a determination legally of incompetence unless there is inherent immediate harm to her or others. I know you hate hearing this. My sisters wanted to do this to mom and I knew that it wasn’t right. Your husband must have a heart of gold and that is why you love him. Find out why he loves his grandmother so much and perhaps it will flow into you. Miracles do happen.
