terminating my ex-husband rights

my ex pays support but has no interest in the children, he does'nt call or see them, only his father (the children grandfather) picks them up. he doesnt help me with any medical expenses, and my son is asthmatic. i took him to court for an increase and they denied me because he stated that his income was $193 and he filed the same income 5 years ago.

anyway, i can do without the support. he doesn't care about the kids and i can see that this hurts them, and i can't tell them why.

can i terminate his rights, so he would'nt have to bother with our kids? your input would be most appreciated.

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partyofsix26

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

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[This message has been edited by I AM ALWAYS LIABLE (edited October 13, 2000).]

Listen, I ask for some GOOD ADVICE, it's obvious that you don't have any!

My children are confused because they blame themselves that their father has no interest in them, and it's killing me in the process.

leave your wise remarks at home, if you cant give helpful advice!

unlike the last response i have a bit more compassion. i just spoke to a lawyer about this (in virginia). a parent's rights cannot be terminated unless for adoption. say you have remarried and your husband would like to adopt your children. that is about the only way it could happen, providing the bio-father did not dispute that then you would have to prove to the court that he had not been involved with the children and so forth do override whatever he may say.the bio father would gave to be given notice that is what you are trying to do (terminate rights). even if he would agree to sign over his rights a court probably would not do so unless for adoption, the want to make sure that the children will not become burdens of the state (welfare, etc.) you can love your children enough for both parents. i did for nine years, my son is happy, healthy, and very loving. my son calls my new husband "daddy" as he is the only father my son has ever known. good luck.

partyofsix..
Aren't you the one who has been preaching to everyone about giving the father rights of visitation? How does your ex differ from anyone else's? And how would terminating his rights make your kids feel better? They will still see that dad isn't coming to see them but they will also understand that it is because mom terminated his rights - so in the long run it will be your fault. At least when he doesn't see them now it's his decision and they will eventually hate him for it (been there) but if you terminate his rights then he won't have the option and you will be the bad guy. I'd think again...

To cjskids, if i offered any advice to anyone regarding father having rights are to the mothers who will not allow visistation. mothers who justify their actions by alienating the father from his child. If i terminated his rights it would'nt be any different, hes never around for the kids to miss him, so i would'nt be the bad guy, think about THAT!

partyofsix26,
Don't attack me for saying this but if you were to have the father's rights terminated, it is HIGHLY likely that when your children became older, even into adultood you would be pegged as the bad guy. Like it or not, you would get the blame for dad not being around every time you had to set a limit with your children, or tell them no. It sounds like he's making good with his financial obligations, and consider that a plus. If you don't need the money, invest it for their future, At best you should just hope and pray that some day their father will come around and attempt to develope a relationship with the kids. To try to terminate his rights (if he opposed it) would be pretty hard to do, anyway, and I definitely wouldn't suggest it to him. Letting him know that his kids miss him, and wat to see him is probably your best course of action. I know that it must kill you to see them get upset when he doesn't show up. But someday he may become responsible in his actions. To try to terminate his rights could have negative consequences that last a lifetime

"My children are confused because they blame themselves that their father has no interest in them..."


.....and you can't offer your love and support and reassurance to them so that they can feel secure in their relationship with you and stop blaming themselves?

I do that every day, since they were born Bac!
I shower them with love and attention, but if i have to be both a mother and a father, then i have no choice in the matter.

The point is that their father has no interest, and i'm being look at as the bad guy since i ask the question to terminate his rights!

I thought this was a forum to help, not to point the finger and say your wrong! I guess I'm looking at the wrong forum.

You really need to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective! Everyone, with the exception of "I am always liable", has tried to offer some good advice to you but YOU ARE NOT LISTENING! When I was a child my parents divorced and after awhile my father stopped coming around and of course, being a child I thought it was all my fault, that I must have done something to make him be mad at me. When I got older, I ended up hating my dad because all I ever wanted from him was a little bit of his time and he was not even able to give that up. At the time my mother bad mouthed my dad for not coming to see us and said one time that even if he did come that she wouldn't let him take us because it had been so long. Well, for that, I hated my mom because at that moment she was not allowing me to see my father. You need to let him dig his own grave with your kids. I know it is painful to have your child ask why daddy doesn't come to see them and ask if he still loves them, I've heard that too from my daughter. Like they say "What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" You need to be strong for your kids at this point and constanly let them know how much they are loved without badmouthing their dad or trying to make the situation worse. Eventually everything will work itself out whether dad decides to be in the picture or not!

Thank you cjskids, I appreciate your answer and your right, I'll just let him dig his own grave.
I never badmouthed him in front of the kids, because I felt that when the kids got older, they can judge his actions, its not my place to do that.
I'll show my kids all the love and attention they need since hes not around, maybe it won't hurt as much.

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

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[This message has been edited by I AM ALWAYS LIABLE (edited October 13, 2000).]

Just out of curiosity, partyofsix26, if your ex showed up and wanted to take the kids to the park or out to eat or ANYWHERE, would you encourage them to go with him?

party of 6: When I was growing up I did not have a father, he left us ( mom and 3 kids) in san francisco "hunter's point" not the best place to bring up kids, but mom did. I ask about my dad all the time and she "NEVER" said a bad word about him. When got older I found him and found out he was a S.O.B.. That was 20 years old, now I talk to my father everyday, and he is ok. he needed to grow and I wish It was sooner, but nothing can come close to the love I feel for mom, for raising and not putting dad dowm. I don't think I would have been that nice to him. Try to stay strong and you will see the love you give your kids is good enough for them. My mom's love was better than what some kids with and mom and dad get. Take care and keep you head up. There are some people who look up to single parents more.

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To Ronne, in the earlier years I would call my ex and asked him to call his children, I remind you that there would be 1 or 2 months that would go by and he wouldn't call them.
He would call and talk to the kids for about 10 minutes. I always told him he can pick up the kids for weekends, holidays whatever day, I would let have the kids everyday if he wanted to but always say that he never had the time.
His father and sister would pick up the kids for thanksgiving, christmas, easter etc. I never told him no.
I wanted the kids to bond with their father because mine was never around and I know how it feels to not have a father who cares, my mother would tell me everyday that my father was no good, that he cheated on her while they were married.
I never tell my kids what they're father had done, he tells them "well, I cant see you this weekend because I'm meeting my girlfriend".
My oldest daughter had to have therapy because she blamed herself, saying that if she was prettier, maybe he would love her.
I would wrap her in my arms and tell her that she was beautiful and I will always love her.
I thought it would be best to terminate his rights since he shows them that he doesnt care, but i wont.
I will be their pilliar of strength and no matter what happens I will know that i was there for them, loved them and maybe they will love me too.