Unfair/Biased Ruling in Visitation Case

It seems there are a lot of people out there that are not getting the legal representation, or the legal support that is paid for with hard earned money. The basic hardcore truth here is that our legal system is simply not interested in dealing with domestic issues with anything less than a mere obligitory ear. Issues that should be addressed in court, issues that should be heard for the benefit of either the children or the underdog parent in a case, are often decided before the parties go to court. Judges that are affiliated with law firms, no matter how large or small, because of political favors, commoradory, or simply the judge and senior partners went to law school together or play golf at the same country club, are blatently shown favor to in the final ruling.

In this case, I am the defendant in a divorce that turned nasty after my now ex-husband learned of my involvement with a new boyfriend. The new boyfriend, has taken in my three children and has treated them like his own. He has provided for them like they have never been provided for by their natural father. The children's father is, like seemingly every other scenario out there, is a drug abusing, alcoholic who has managed to be charged with two DUI's in less than 2 months. He has had to serve time in the county's work release program, lives in a shady portion of a nearby city, and has instituted a lifestyle that, when reflecting back, he has probably always wanted to live. The general environment is unclean, morally diverse, unlawful, and one that has no religious interests.

My two youngest children, after witnessing their father in jail, have basically viewed him as a "deadbeat". They do not wish to visit him, nor even talk to him unless forcefully told to do so. He has taken me to court and filed numerous contempt citations. Which, as stated previously, have all been met with his favor. These children HAVE NOT been brainwashed to believing that their father is not worth being with. The simple truth here is that he is what he is. They have been raised to believe that there is good in all people. However, when someone chooses to destroy themselves, and is hellbent on not making any attempts at improving their life, there is not much anyone can do to change the course of their life. They have been told from early childhood that "You are the master of your destiny. You have to make the concious decision to get what you want out of life." I do'nt think that this simple philosphy is one that has any detrement to any one person, place or thing. It is merely a way to teach the children to set goals and reach them. When they see someone that has not done so on their own free will, they were taught not to feel disgust or pity, but the merely tell themselves that "I will not let myself get into that situation."

This is how they see their father. They know they cannot change him. They know what he is. They have tried talking to him.

But the issue here is that because they do not want to see their dad, I am being blamed for their inability to recognize that they are supposed to see him. I am being in ordered to seek counseling, ordered to pay his attorney fees, and having my parental rights taken away from me.

In family law, the laws are not monochrome. Families are individual and should be judged as such when rulings are made. Simply because a judge has "ties" with an opposing parties firm, is not fair to anyone. I feel that when it comes to courts making decisions in regards to the lives and futures of families, one mere person should not be responsible. I also believe it is time to restructure our entire legal system. There should be a panel of three qualified persons hearing arguments in a family law case. Three persons coming up with qualified decisions. I realize the expense involved, but perhaps then, as with criminal and trial cases, a jury of our peers, (per se) would be more advantageous to all parties concerned. One party would not receive unspoken favors on the part of a secret affiliation with the judge.

I need to know if there is anyone out there that can give advice on what to do. All involved in the case are scratching their heads. The kids do not want to go. Am I supposed to bound and gag them and throw them in the car, causing them to resent me in the long run, to see their dad. Or do I face the standing threat of jail time, or merely go ahead and do the jail time in order to protect my children from an entity that they wish to avoid? Being a mother, my instincts tell me to protect my children. However, the order is written so, that if I do jail time, my children go to their father anyway. My heart tells me to do the jail time to protect my kids. My mind tells me it would not be prudent. But my children are my heart, and where my heart goes ultimately my head goes.

Please let me know if anyone has any advice.

*WHY* did you have 3 children with a man that you apparently abhor? It seems that these traits that make him such a god-awful father would have come out way before now.

That said, it also seems like you are just trying to conveniently get rid of the father so you can forget your mistakes and move on to a new life with your new boyfriend. It doesn't work that way. The kids father has as much right to see them. If he is not abusing the kids, then you do not need to be protecting them. You are not the judge and jury who decides whether the father is an appropriate father or not.

You need to teach your children that their father has as much right to see them as you do. If he is so bad, they will eventually see it and decide for themselves. But let them decide.

Sorry to give you an answer that you don't want to hear. But that's the way I see it. Just my opinion.

First of all, I am not a lawyer, though I am dealing with related issues. My case however is very different .I am the opposing party and the child is being kept away from us.The mothers hatred is her motivation. I do believe you only want to protect your children and it is your responsibility to do that. you didnt mention your childrens ages, perhaps if you had them tell the judge how they feel, what they see on visitations, what they do. maybe your ex will listen if his own chidren tell him themselves. How does your boyfriend feel about adoption. having his name taken away fron his children might wake him up. Your situation is sad. our attorney told us (illinois)about a case where the child did not want to go.the mother AND the child went to jail.Maybe you can modify supvised visitation. the fact remains he is the father and you will look bad if you dont do everything you can to encourage their relationship with him. Do things you can prove. Protect yourself when you go to court next. I do agree fully with your jury idea. Good luck to and your children.Get your proof and nail him to the wall. Ihope I gave you useful ideas.

First of all I must say, I do not believe you are acting out of hatred toward your ex-husband but, out of love for your children. Funny how it takes so many trials to become as clear-headed about life as you appear to be (inward reflection of the similarities in my olwn life).

I am in a similar boat and refuse to sink. I would love for my daughter (age 5) to spend time with her father. I had previously encouraged it; however, the courts should act with one thing in mind, "the best interest of the child". If you have failed to see this in previous attempts, you must be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is "UNFIT". I do not know what state you are in; however, if you seek counseling on what proof you may need... do what needs to be done to gain this evidence.

Your children sound to be old enough to express themselves in a court. If you are afraid of exposing them to the scene of speaking against their father or fear that they will not ever forget the experience, consider which trama will be more prouctive?

I do not believe that you should let them "grow up and find out for themselves".. this theory is devistatingly scarring. I am a child of a family who had that perspective. You should fight for their rights.. as they can't for themselves. Jail time, however, shouldn't be an option.. the result of them ending up at their dad's is not worth it and you cannot protect them there.

Good Luck...

AMCD

I understand what you are saying. But I have to point this out to you. My father was also a deadbeat to my younger siblings. I love my father very much. As a teenager I chose not to see my father when my parents were divorced (I was 16). So did my younger siblings. The problem is that regardless of who their father seems to be, HE is still their father. I was the same way as I teen, but I have learned from the mistakes of my father. He has taught me how I don't want to be. I am sorry for your situation because I also know how the law works. I suggest tou pray about a decision. But I also think that you should make you children see their father. A child does not decide what he wants to do. You have to guide them!