visitation

[amy berry]

Here is my story, my daughter will be 10 on Dec.22nd,the non-custodial parent has been in the military for over 10 years now, he has not seen her since she was 9 months old. I understand he was over seas for a few years, when he returned, he was stationed in Pennsylvania(I live in Ohio)for 6 years.We had the custody papers drawn up 6 years ago. It was supposed to be gradual visitation until my daughter got to know her "father" he has never acted on visitation at all no phone contact, no letters,(my daughter does read!) no birthday cards, nothing at all since she was a baby. He had his wife call me 4 months ago, saying he wanted after all these years,for my daughter to up & go to Penn.to see him,(he couldn`t call himself!) I let it go & there has been no more attempts made on "their" part.He has now been discharged from the military & moved back to his home state in Kentucky, I am afraid he will now after all these years (my daughters entire life)try to see her.He now has 2 kids (I am afraid to try to explain this to my daughter)but never attempted to make a life for his 1st born daughter. I don`t talk bad about him to my daughter at all.She has told me time & time again on her own that she doesn`t want to go to him,that she does not want to stay at a strangers house etc.. She is very shy,very! She got really upset when I told her she may have to go to stay with him at times & she started crying and asked "do I have any say? Will anyone listen to me?" How do I answer a little girl when she asks why her "biological dad"doesn`t want to see her? I had never tried to prebent visitation before, but now I would have to take it back to court before he could see her. What are my daughters rights?

 

[Ukiah]

When your daughter asks where her father is and why he never see's her, you should tell her that you don't know why and that maybe someday she can ask him herself. If you give her any information, she may resent him without giving him a chance. Or ask more difficult questions that you may not be able to answer.

If he hasn't called you himself it is probably because he feels guilty for not keeping contact all these years, and didn't want the rejection.

It is understandable that she wouldn't want to go to their home, as he is her estranged father. But you should not deny him and her of any kind of relationship. Your daughter, in time, will make up her own mind about him.

You as her responsible parent, should make an attempt with him to reunite with her. If he doesn't show up it is on him. If he does show up, then don't stand in their way to become acquainted again.

Maybe suggest that he start by writing letters to her, and have her respond. Send pictures, etc. When your daughter feels comfortable enough, then maybe she will want to go see him, or have him come see her first.

Either way he has the right to have a relationship with her and she has the right to make up her own mind about how she feels.

I know it is difficult, if he doesn't make the first move, then maybe you should. It is for her sake that she see the two of you getting along without dredging up the past.

Good Luck,
Ukiah

 

[DebraA]

I agree with Ukiah's advice. For the child's sake it would be better to finally come to know her father than never having known him at all. I know it must be hard for you....surely there is bitterness in your heart that he let all of these precious years slip away and made no attempt to be a father to her. But you must take the high road and do whatever it takes to allow them to have some kind of relationship. Letters and pics is a great idea and then only when she's comfortable with the idea should you attempt to set up any visitation. And yes, one day she will decide for herself whether she wants to maintain the relationship with her father.

Good luck & give your daughter a Halloween hug!
DebraA (advice from the heart)

 

[amy berry]

I have seen others say that not all situations are the same,mine isn`t either.A while after my ex husband & I divorced, I stressed to him over & over how important it was for him to be my daughters "daddy" not just biological father. Our daughter was a planned pregnancy, he wanted a child to love & be there for as his biological mother & father abandoned him too, when he was 11 months old, my gr.aunt & uncle took care of him from then on. They never adopted him because his "biological" father wouldn`t allow it to go that far, he just chose to let them raise him as their own and he never seen him but maybe 1-2 times during all those years. Well he`s pretty much doing the same thing to my daughter, as he was done.I don`t want to hear "oh well look at what happened to him as a child" everyone has their own mind, & can live a moral life no matter what happened to them as a child. I had bad things happen to me as a child, & I didn`t repeat the same. I try to live a decent moral life.The thing is ,I did try back some time ago to get him to act on visitation. He wouldn`t even reply to me. I will take care of my daughter no matter what. I see to her best interests not my own. I don`t care anymore what happened between him & I years ago. I am with a real man now & have been for some time, he is a hard worker he loves me & my daughter and by the way he loves his 2 boys he has had custody of their whole lives just about and has raised them by himself with no help from their mothers (he was married twice).I know what it would do to my daughter if this issue was forced on her, I think I know her alot more than those who replied to my questions do. I have not spoke of her"biological father" in any bad way, I haven`t said hey, he`s got 2 other little girls now sorry!! When she questions me about things I answer them as honestly as I can without hurting her in the process!! I also have let her know at anytime whatsoever she feels that she needs to meet him to let me know!And I`ll do the best I can to make it happen. I have not steered her in any direction, she steers her own way.She may be only going on 10 but she is one smart cookie. Amy B.

 

[California Sun]

There may a be a time that he realizes what he's done, and by then it may be too late. You have done what you can to protect her, but she has a right to know him.

Don't let your self get caught up in his "mess", it just makes it worse for your daughter. I agree that you should let him make the firdt move. If nothing happens, then go about your own life with your new man and possibly have him adopt her. Think about it and talk with your daughter about that possibility. BUT more importantly, talk to your ex first, before you get your daughter's hopes up, you want to make sure that your X will go thru with it.

I wish you all the luck. You daughter seems to know what is right and what is wrong, but if she wants to know he father, don't hold her back because of your feelings of resentment about the past.

Write him a letter and tell him that you are giving him one last chance to be a father figure for the child and start a relationship slowly with her. Letters, etc. Then let him know that you are considering having another man adopt her to be a father figure for her if he doesn't want to be there. tell him if he doesn't write back that you will consider that his consent to go ahead with adoption proceedings. Put it all on him, he needs to share the load, and take responsibitlty. If you don't hear from him, talk to your new man, and see what he thinks, then start proceedings.

 

[amy berry]

you obviously haven`t heard me I haven`t held my daughter back from her "biological father"I have let her know that if she wants to see him I`ll contact him for her. I am not going to force her to do something she does not want to do though.And I am tired of being "Type cast" here. Because of my bitter feelings I am keeping a dughter & her beloved daddy from eachother!! Also my boyfriend I have lived with for over 6 years now had contacted her dad 4 months ago.After he had his wife call about seeing my daughter. He told him that if he wanted to be a dad again that he had big shoes to fill & it wouldn`t be a part-time thing. He told my boyfriend that he didn`t want to go to court again, & all he wanted was to talk to her on the phone now & then , & maybe see her about 1 time/ year. Is that good for a child? I don`t think so, that sends a very bad message to her. All I wanted in the 1st place was maybe a little legal advice on what my daughters rights were.My boyfriend (even if I was married to him) can`t just up & adopt her,We have looked into this already, we have to be married 1 year, her "biological father has to agree & sign papers, the court has to talk to my daughter, she has to see counselors to make sure it`s what she wants, then Children services has to come to our house to check things out, then we fill out the paperwork etc..My boyfriend & I have talked & talked about this, he totally wants to , he loves my daughter like his own.He is the only I repeat only father figure she has ever had.He even asked him on the phone when he talked to him , about adoption & her "biological father" didn`t say yes or no. That`s a good sign I guess. If he really didn`t want anyone else to take a fathers roll for her he would have said no immediatley. He isn`t being pressured in any way.I hope I don`t get condemned here, I feel like I have gotten that alot when you all have not been here you don`t know my daughter or any of us concerned. If this had started happening along time ago, I would have been all for it. But like his wife said ,"is there ever a good time to ruin a childs life?".Apparantly that doesn`t matter. If I thought for a minute that he would be a real dad to her & really stick to this I would be for it as long as my daughter wanted it, but he has already said on the phone that he doesn`t "want to make a big deal out of this, he only wants to see her every once in awhile. Amy B.