My husband I were separated and got back together in Jan. 2000. Before we got back together he promised me that he would do everything to make me happy, I did not have to work and that he would not lie or hide anything from me. These are the reason for our separation. I told him that I had to work because I had bills to pay. A week into our reunion he handed me a written document amending our separation agreement stating that he paid me alimony during our separation. This was so that he could use it for his taxes. There was nothing in our original agreement constituting alimony. At this time we were still living apart but spending time at both mine and his home. A few days later before making love, while at his house I asked him were we in a committed relationship. His response was how much time did he have. At that time without making love, I left his house and went to my home in the middle of the night. He called me and reassured me that he was committed to me. After that I asked him to get rid of all of his female phone numbers and he said he did not have any. We had planned to move together at the end of February. A week before moving home (back to his/our home) I checked his billfold and and he still had numerous phone numbers. I was devastated and did not know what to do since I had given notice to move from my home. When I asked him about all of the names he said they were business. Later to find out that they were females he had dated during the separation. As I was packing up my stuff to make the move I found a list of phone numbers from our last separation (1988-1990)which was found in his billfold a year after our reunion in 1990. In this list was a women that was on his current list of numbers....again I was devastated because ten years had passed and he was still in touch with her. Again, I just did not know what to do. Maybe, I should not have made the move but I did because I did not have anywhere else to go on such short notice and just did not know what to do. His response to having the numbers still in his billfold a week before me moving in with him is that he thought he was still single until I moved in with him. I thought we were in a committed relationship and he never discussed with me that he thought that he was still single. I would not have slept with him if I knew that he was still single and he knew this. Since then I have not trusted him. The day after I moved back he went to school out of state for a month and left me at the house alone. I was not working at the time. I asked to go with him but he did not want me to go and if I did he wanted to on different flights because he was afraid that if the plane crashed that we both would not be on it. Before he left I found a phone number in that state which he said that it was a number someone(relative) visiting him the summer before had called and put on his phone and he was still investigating it. Of course I am so devestated. While he was away I asked him if he would pay my bills for a few months because I could not function under the circumstance and would not be able to go work until our marriage was secured and our relationship was on the right track. He agreed but he never paid a bill until my entire savings had been depleted seven months later. Our reconcilation and relationship has been a mess every since. He emotionally abandon me from the beginning and ten months later (present) he has not connected emotionally with me. So many things have happened since our reunion that were unusual and questioning him about anything always caused an argument and I have accused of freaking out. When he left for school, he did not take his wedding band. I had to send it to him. After returning from school for several months, I had to remind him to wear it. Of course he always had some excuse.
I have begged him to communicate with me be he has not and has not tried. We had so many things to work out after getting back together rescinding the separation agreement, finances, plans and goals for the future and he had completely shut down and directed his time and energy in projects to avoid me. The only thing that he ever said on his own was that he wanted me to help him financially, he wanted to buy another house this fall. He makes good money and is capable of doing these things with or without me. Eventhough, I did not have a job he expected me to buy groceries and to provide all my own needs plus contribute to the house. I did buy groceries up until last month and my entire saving has been depleted. Any problem or anything having to do with our relationship he avoids dealing with them and does not participate in building the relationship. He now tells me that he has shutdown because I am always pounding him and that is the reason for his lack of communication and participation in building the relationship. I still do not have a job and I am in a marriage that I feel he does not love me. I also believe that he only wanted me here because he thought I still had the $30,000 paid to me in the separation and to avoid paying me the $5,000 due to me this December. Several times he has mentioned that he overpaid me during our separation (one of the reasons for the ammendment to our separation agreement for his taxes). In June, I asked him for a copy of this ammendment because he never gave me one. He claimed that he could not find it. I had him ammend our separation agreement again stating that all ammendments after the date of our original separation agreement be voided and had it notorized. I think that since it was hand written that he added to it after I signed it that is the reason why he would give me a copy. I finally convinced him to rescind our separation agreement at the end of June so that we could live legally as husband and wife. I thought he would then connect with me and take an interest in building the relationship. It has not happened. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I love my husband of 24 years and would like to make it with him but I cannot do it alone. I feel that I have been lied to, betrayed mentally and emotionally abused and emotionally abandoned. I would like to end it and go on my own since he claims that he is tired of me begging him to make me a priority and to participate in building the relationship. What should I do? | 
10-24-2000, 05:13 AM
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