Wife is leaving...

[1/2aman]

My wife is leaving due to an adoption that fell through. I get so mad thinking about it, but I can see her point too. Im fighting all these emotions and i dont know what to do. I love my wife more than anything and I dont want her to leave, but I dont want her to be unhappy. Our sons bio mom says she want another shot at being a good mother. She cant do it, so I know Im losing my wife for nothing. Ive spent 7 years with my wife, how do you deal with it ending? How do I "forget" about all the things we have been through? I dont even know how to talk to her now since I know shes leaving. The wosrt part is we are still in love. This isnt even about us. Its all because some woman decides now that she wants to be a "good mommy" after 7 years of being worthless. What do I do?

 

[Always searching]

x

[This message has been edited by Always searching (edited October 15, 2000).]

 

[paula2]

Sometimes the things that bring us the most joy, can be the things that tear us apart. Life is hard and there are no easy answers. But, somehow satan knows our weakest moments and emotions and uses these as a tool against us. He starts with the family first, if he can destroy the family then the church, or house of God, will fall. It is in our weekest moments that we need to go to our knees and pray that GOD will lend us his strenght, for we know we can not do this alone, to endure. To lend us HIS wisdom to make the right decisions and know the right words to say. To put all trust in him to bring you through and be willing to accept what he decides is best, not what we want. All trails and tribulations in life are growing and learning experiences. If we only trust God, he will carry us through the valley. When ever we endure hardships in life, we grow and learn so much, usually from the mistakes we've made.....but none the less we have grown and have a better understanding of what went wrong and because of that understanding we know what not to do again. It is God's way of molding us and making us stronger and better vessels to do his will. Remember, you are not alone....talk to God and have faith, let him work this out in his time.....we tend to mess things up because we want them fixed now.....do some deep soul searching and praying. You guys will be fine. This has been a big stress and disappointment to you both, not to mention on the marriage.

You said you don't know what to say to her now.....if you can't say it.....write her a letter and pour out your heart.....pray about the words you should use first......then let her know all the things you love and admire about her. Having those words on paper.....she will be able to go back and read it over and over again....and sometimes it's easier to put things on paper than it is to say them.

My prayers will be with you both, be strong and have faith....GOD can bring you through this.

Paula

 

[usdeeper]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 1/2aman:
My wife is leaving due to an adoption that fell through?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You best bet is to shield her from this other women. I presume she has had a great deal to do with dealing with her. Maybe she does this because the moment you and your ex face off you both feel like hitting each other.. so your wife has had to deal with all this on your behalf ???

If you are allowing this other women to disrupt your lives and in many ways control it, then it is not surprising that she may feel lost or the need to get out. After all, It is HER family and someone else is in partial control.

For the sake of your wife, protect her and DO NOT allow your ex to mess you around anymore.. it is a simple choice, your ex or your wife. Which are you going to choose ?.

If you ex can not follow court orders and is so disruptive, then sort it out. Little jimmy is returned two hours late so her next visitation is cancelled etc..

Whatever you do.. do not face up to this women.. remain in control, walk away from her and show your wife you can handle it.


------------------
SMILE - Start Making It Livable for Everyone

Divorce is a process over which children have no control. Children should not be its victims.
When parents are under stress, it is harder to be in touch with their children's pain and anguish.
It takes time, effort, and planning on the part of the parents to be able to provide for the children's needs.
In the crisis of divorce, parents may put their children on hold while they attend to adult problems first.
Sometimes separating/divorced parents find that their roles and expectations are undefined and cloudy.
If handled properly, divorce need not be devastating for children.

 

[REINBOW]

Dont let her go! She is feeling such a loss. I have not been in exactly your situation but I have miscarried 5 times. Not a day goes by with out thinking about them. She is confused but Don't let her go. Make her realize how you two need to help each other through. Seek help and counseling from a pastor, Make her realize this is happening to you as well not just her and that you need her. Send her flowers.. go away together,,,, start over somewhere else... Dont't give up on her go after her. I hope it works out for you. You can survive the sadness together. I have one son.. I would die with out him. I can only sympathise but I think your love will hold out. The child is not dead... this is a blessing... Pray for the mother's guidence and turn to God he can get your relationship back while you both still have the love. I pray for your relationship. I wish I had a husband like you. My son and I face things a lone.

 

[1/2aman]

I just wanted to thank all of you who have responded to my out cry. It isn't so cut and dry about choosing my wife or my ex. I choose my wife over anything. My wife is my life, if it were not for her I wouldn't be the man I am today. I don't even know where to start to help her, this has been a tramatic blow to the both of us, more so for my wife, She loves the oldest boy as her own. She came in at a young age and took the role of Mom for him. So this is a very hard choice for her, but I do believe there is another way other than walking away. I can only imagine what she feels like, but I am there for her whenever she needs me, but she hasn't come to me for support. She comes here for it. Some of you probably know her. That is why I am here, to try and get some support, I haven't talked about this to anyone about how I feel, and I think I need to get this stuff out. I am torn up inside about this, and it kills me to see my wife so unhappy over this woman. My wife is 100 times the mother or person that she could ever be. Once again, thanks for your words.

 

[usdeeper]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 1/2aman:
I just wanted to thank all of you who have responded to my out cry. It isn't so cut and dry about choosing my wife or my ex. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

What is the number one reason you think your wife is leaving ?.. I would hazard a guess that she is tired of being messed around by your ex and tired of dealing with the ex. She is probably tired of having no routine in her life and having an external person mess up the schedules.. having no control over someone else’s effect on her family. Tired of having someone knock on her door an hour early to pick up little jimmy.. tired of cooking dinner and then not having jimmy returned on time etc etc

The way to solve this is to protect your wife from you ex. Maybe you have not done this in the past because you can not deal with your ex. You get in each others face, shout and then come close to blows. So your wife deals with it...

Therefore, it is, in a way, a choice between your wife and your ex.

You need to deal with your ex 100% and in a way that your wife does not feel she has to step in and help. Also stick to the letters of the agreement. If your ex abuses those rights or the agreement, the take away a visit. If she is late for a visitation, be ready to up and go out for dinner or the evening. If she returns jimmy late then reduce the following visitation or deny it completely.

Regardless.. you need to enable your wife to have some routine and control back of the situation.. and more importantly, you need to be the shield between your wife and the monster..

Her is another thought.. which I hope you do not take offence to.. if whilst shopping with your wife, some man (or women) gets in your wife’s face and she is in some way threatened, do you stand behind her and watch, or step in front of your wife and protect her ?.

 

[paula2]

Usdeeper, I'm not sure that you are aware that this mans wife is a REG. here, most of us know her and are very familiar with the story. This woman has more or less raised this child as her own and the bio-mom now decides she wants the child. I don't believe she has even exercised her visitation rights and now she wants them after all these years. The woman feels as though this bio-mom is taking away her child and is extremely hurt and feels as though her heart is being ripped out. I believe she feels if she walks away, it won't hurt. This child may not be biologically hers, but her heart does not know that, and this other woman can legally come in to her home and take this child she has loved, raised and deeply adored, after all these years.......and she can't stop it. Imagine the pain. I truely believe she is so deeply hurt.....almost like mourning a loss.....that this is the only way she knows how to deal with it.....sometimes we think "out of site, out of mind". I think she needs some time to deal with all this, but it is very important for her to know how much she is loved. We all here LOVE her very much!!! And are praying for her!!!

Paula

 

[MySonsMom]

Thanks Paula..I'm sure it is evident that this is my husband posting on the boards..Whether I am comfortable with him doing so is beyond my decision as he has already done it and it's over with. You are right on alot of things in your post..the bio has been in "our" life but everything else you say is correct. I'm sorry that he posted..as I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish. But your post is correct to a T on what my feelings are. Thanks again!

------------------
~MySonsMom~

 

[usdeeper]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by paula2:
Usdeeper, I'm not sure that you are aware that this mans wife is a REG. here<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Actually, I was aware from the very first post. My advice still stands as I believe, there is another option. We are obviously dealing with two people who still very much love each other..

 

[holly]

first of all, let me say that i have been in this situation, too. it is not easy at all having to deal with this. my heart goes out to both of you, but this boy is probably having his little heart torn to pieces over the whole matter. i would like to say that the "system" will work for you. but i know very differently that it doesn't. please accept my heartfelt prayers for you and your little guy. god bless.

 

[paula2]

MySonsMom, I knew from the begining it was your husband.....and honestly....I think that more than anything the post was meant for you. It's obvious this man still loves you and doesn't know what to do with out you. I believe this was his way of reaching out to you......and personally....I find it very romantic. He knew the place you visited the most to find comfort.....and he came to you on your ground. I believe this is salvageable.....but it takes two. And it is difficult to think about mending things when your heart is so broken and you are hurting so deeply. Time and prayer can mend this things. I just wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Life is way to short, to be unhappy and have no joy or peace inside......let God have all the anger, hurt and pain and enjoy the blessings he has given you.

God Bles you and your family!!

Paula