Granddaughter's Grandfather!

[price1057]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I actually would just like an opinion here. I was in a 21 year relationship with my ex who subsequently raised my son from 5 years old until he went into the Army. He is out and on his own now. My son had a daughter (he is not with the mother) who my ex doted on from day 1 and lavished her with all kinds of material possessions, just as he did my son. When I asked him to stop, he said he would buy whatever he wanted to. Unable to compete with him, the clothing I brought for my son remained in the closets complete with price tags while my ex spent money on him for designer clothes (as he is doing for his step-granddaughter). I have been out of his life (not completely because of my granddaughter) for 3 years. My granddaughter has not been told that that is not her real grandfather and I think it is wrong. My son said he dotes on her, she loves him and if I tell her she may be confused. What's the point, she has no other grandfather. I am not trying to take that away from her. He has been very good to her, always there when needed as his work schedule allowed that. I was not. I had a regular 9-5 job. A situation arose last week where I had my granddaughter and we were joking about her father. Something we were talking about made me laughingly say, "that's because of what his dumb father did", she looked at me and she said, "grandpa did that"; I stopped for a moment and realized, she thinks her grandfather is my son's REAL father, naturally. I almost stepped into something. I immediately changed the subject. My granddaughter is 10 years old going on 15, extremely smart. Is it fair (and I will add here again, I would love for her to remain in contact with her step-grandfather (not even that), but is it fair to her to not be told the truth. It is also unfair to me because I have to always watch what I say when talking to her if it pertains to her father's father. MY QUESTION: When and "should" a child be told that her paternal grandfather is not her father's real father? Thank you. Whew!!!!

P.S. I want to add here that he has turned her into a monster, wanting everything she sees (because he always got it for her), he has reestablished a relationship with his own children and thus his real grandchildren, and I have none because she knows what he can do for her ($$$) and when she is with me, I cannot. Is there any recourse for me here. I know my granddaughter loves me, but on the back of that, it's always, grandma can you buy me this.

 

[CSO286]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

I actually would just like an opinion here. I was in a 21 year relationship with my ex who subsequently raised my son from 5 years old until he went into the Army. He is out and on his own now. My son had a daughter (he is not with the mother) who my ex doted on from day 1 and lavished her with all kinds of material possessions, just as he did my son. When I asked him to stop, he said he would buy whatever he wanted to. Unable to compete with him, the clothing I brought for my son remained in the closets complete with price tags while my ex spent money on him for designer clothes (as he is doing for his step-granddaughter). I have been out of his life (not completely because of my granddaughter) for 3 years. My granddaughter has not been told that that is not her real grandfather and I think it is wrong. My son said he dotes on her, she loves him and if I tell her she may be confused. What's the point, she has no other grandfather. I am not trying to take that away from her. He has been very good to her, always there when needed as his work schedule allowed that. I was not. I had a regular 9-5 job. A situation arose last week where I had my granddaughter and we were joking about her father. Something we were talking about made me laughingly say, "that's because of what his dumb father did", she looked at me and she said, "grandpa did that"; I stopped for a moment and realized, she thinks her grandfather is my son's REAL father, naturally. I almost stepped into something. I immediately changed the subject. My granddaughter is 10 years old going on 15, extremely smart. Is it fair (and I will add here again, I would love for her to remain in contact with her step-grandfather (not even that), but is it fair to her to not be told the truth. It is also unfair to me because I have to always watch what I say when talking to her if it pertains to her father's father. MY QUESTION: When and "should" a child be told that her paternal grandfather is not her father's real father? Thank you. Whew!!!!

P.S. I want to add here that he has turned her into a monster, wanting everything she sees (because he always got it for her), he has reestablished a relationship with his own children and thus his real grandchildren, and I have none because she knows what he can do for her ($$$) and when she is with me, I cannot. Is there any recourse for me here. I know my granddaughter loves me, but on the back of that, it's always, grandma can you buy me this.

When and if the child's parents deem it necessary to share that with the child. Not before and it isn't your place to disclose that information.

 

[Zigner]

You really need to mind your own business on this one. YOU don't get to control how this child is raised. PERIOD.

 

[price1057]

Granddaughter's Grandfather

Hold on Silverplum and Pazmania. First off, I would never tell that child anything. You are right, it is not my place. It is her parents. But I am the BLOOD grandmother. It certainly is my business, not to disclose, but to state my feelings. Our relationship did not work out. What is it, when the ex leaves, he maintains possession of his ex-s relatives? WTF! I have one granddaughter and because of his callous way of bringing up a granddaughter, he has in turn taken my granddaughter which he has no right to legally at all. My son is dense. No way in the world should he be allowing this to happen. But you see, monetarily, my ex helped him in paying private school fees because then he did not have to pay it. It is all so wrong. Why am I losing in the end and being told, "it is none of my business" by one of you above. I love my granddaughter and she loves me, but the situation is messy because of my ex-s inability to walk away and take nothing with him, or at the very least (and this is not his call) let her know the truth.

 

[Antigone*]

You really need to mind your own business on this one. YOU don't get to control how this child is raised. PERIOD.

I don't see where this guy has a legal issue at all. Other issues, most definitely, certainly not a legal one.

 

[CSO286]

Hold on Silverplum and Pazmania. First off, I would never tell that child anything. You are right, it is not my place. It is her parents. But I am the BLOOD grandmother. It certainly is my business, not to disclose, but to state my feelings. Our relationship did not work out. What is it, when the ex leaves, he maintains possession of his ex-s relatives? WTF! I have one granddaughter and because of his callous way of bringing up a granddaughter, he has in turn taken my granddaughter which he has no right to legally at all. My son is dense. No way in the world should he be allowing this to happen. But you see, monetarily, my ex helped him in paying private school fees because then he did not have to pay it. It is all so wrong. Why am I losing in the end and being told, "it is none of my business" by one of you above. I love my granddaughter and she loves me, but the situation is messy because of my ex-s inability to walk away and take nothing with him, or at the very least (and this is not his call) let her know the truth.

Ok, the "pazmania" bit a Silverplum's SIGNATURE. It is not a jab at you.

Second, while you feel you have an interest in this, it is not your place to do anything outside of mentioning it to your child and them dropping it--completely.

Now on to the whole,

What is it, when the ex leaves, he maintains possession of his ex-s relatives?

statement...As was stated very aptly in a classic movie (and the winner gets warm toasty muffiny goodness): "You divorce wives, not children."

When a marriage falls apart, the extended family--children grandchildren, etc, are collateral damage, unintended victims. To my way of thinking, it is good to attempt to maintain those relationships to help kids see that they arent at fault or that they aren't loved simply because the adults couldn't get along.

 

[price1057]

granddaughter's grandfather

I was never married to him. He left his wife because she cheated on him and stayed with me for 21 years, never divorcing his wife, so he is still married to her. So the issue is not, when there is a divorce or whatever, the children should not suffer. It is not her grandfather and he could be doing more damage by not telling her. When she gets to be about 16 or so she is going to wonder why she was never told. How dare he leave, go back to fix the damage with his grandchildren and take the affection of mine with him. Unfair. I have said my piece, I have heard your advice. I don't intend to speak with my son about it any further. Anything that develops out of this will be his doing. Thanks All!

 

[Zigner]

I was never married to him. He left his wife because she cheated on him and stayed with me for 21 years, never divorcing his wife, so he is still married to her. So the issue is not, when there is a divorce or whatever, the children should not suffer. It is not her grandfather and he could be doing more damage by not telling her. When she gets to be about 16 or so she is going to wonder why she was never told. How dare he leave, go back to fix the damage with his grandchildren and take the affection of mine with him. Unfair. I have said my piece, I have heard your advice. I don't intend to speak with my son about it any further. Anything that develops out of this will be his doing. Thanks All!

You're a GRANDMA - you haven't learned yet that life is not fair?

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

One must wonder how it came that you were together for 21 years, yet he never divorced, nor you both married.

 

[Zigner]

One must wonder how it came that you were together for 21 years, yet he never divorced, nor you both married.

One CAN wonder, but not "must" wonder

I choose to let this one fade from my mind

 

[Ohiogal]

Hold on Silverplum and Pazmania. First off, I would never tell that child anything. You are right, it is not my place. It is her parents. But I am the BLOOD grandmother. It certainly is my business, not to disclose, but to state my feelings.

GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE. Seriously. Blood grandma? You have NO RIGHTS to this child just because you gave birth to her father. You have the same rights that your ex has -- which is WHATEVER access the child's PARENTS deem you to have.

Our relationship did not work out. What is it, when the ex leaves, he maintains possession of his ex-s relatives? WTF! I have one granddaughter and because of his callous way of bringing up a granddaughter, he has in turn taken my granddaughter which he has no right to legally at all.

You have no right LEGALLY to her at all either. NONE. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

My son is dense. No way in the world should he be allowing this to happen.

He is dense, why? Because his mommy has her panties in a bunch over the fact that he loves this man and encourages the relationship?

But you see, monetarily, my ex helped him in paying private school fees because then he did not have to pay it. It is all so wrong. Why am I losing in the end and being told, "it is none of my business" by one of you above.

It is none of your business. Losing? Only if you continue being selfish and acting entitled.

I love my granddaughter and she loves me, but the situation is messy because of my ex-s inability to walk away and take nothing with him, or at the very least (and this is not his call) let her know the truth.

And maybe she does know the truth but quite frankly -- blood is NOT ALWAYS thicker than water. How about you grow up and realize you don't have any rights here. You have no entitlement to be in this child's life. You have nothing more than what your ex has.

 

[Ohiogal]

I was never married to him. He left his wife because she cheated on him and stayed with me for 21 years, never divorcing his wife, so he is still married to her. So the issue is not, when there is a divorce or whatever, the children should not suffer. It is not her grandfather and he could be doing more damage by not telling her. When she gets to be about 16 or so she is going to wonder why she was never told. How dare he leave, go back to fix the damage with his grandchildren and take the affection of mine with him. Unfair. I have said my piece, I have heard your advice. I don't intend to speak with my son about it any further. Anything that develops out of this will be his doing. Thanks All!

So you were his mistress for 21 years and now you are criticizing him? It if unfair because he returned to his wife and left you, the kept woman, alone? Lady that is YOUR fault. This is all about the fact that you are ticked because you were nothing more than a sex toy until he got tired of you. And then he left you to go back to his wife AND your son fell in love with him.

In other words, you are jealous. Look at it this way -- if you had substantial good morals YOU never would have allowed a married man to raise your child and you wouldn't have shared your bed with someone for 21 years who was married to someone else. You have sour grapes but don't you dare criticize your son for his decisions since you were nothing more than a paramour to a married man. Did you ever point out to your son how you were nothing more than a mistress to a married man while he was growing up? Were you that truthful with your son? Did you introduce yourself to his wife during those 21 years? How about his children? And when you did, did you say you were the mistress? Or did you nice it up to be his "girlfriend", "partner", or other nicety?

 

[LdiJ]

So you were his mistress for 21 years and now you are criticizing him? It if unfair because he returned to his wife and left you, the kept woman, alone? Lady that is YOUR fault. This is all about the fact that you are ticked because you were nothing more than a sex toy until he got tired of you. And then he left you to go back to his wife AND your son fell in love with him.

In other words, you are jealous. Look at it this way -- if you had substantial good morals YOU never would have allowed a married man to raise your child and you wouldn't have shared your bed with someone for 21 years who was married to someone else. You have sour grapes but don't you dare criticize your son for his decisions since you were nothing more than a paramour to a married man. Did you ever point out to your son how you were nothing more than a mistress to a married man while he was growing up? Were you that truthful with your son? Did you introduce yourself to his wife during those 21 years? How about his children? And when you did, did you say you were the mistress? Or did you nice it up to be his "girlfriend", "partner", or other nicety?

I have to agree with your assessment although I am not sure that I would have put it quite that strongly.

However, I do wonder what, if anything might happen if somehow the biological paternal grandparent ever made contact. Wouldn't that be really confusing to the child?

 

[price1057]

You're Dead Wrong "Ohiogal"

I was with this man because he got a separation when his wife cheated on him. Unfortunately they never divorced and HE IS NOT BACK WITH HIS WIFE. He is living alone in the home we had made together. He has no girlfriends (yes I know this because I am still in contact because of my granddaughter). I was not a "kept" woman. I've worked my entired life and we halved everything right down the middle. We both made good money. And he did not leave me. I left him due to some issues I did not like; one of them being the raising of my granddaughter. My son is in love with himself and at 30 years old is still feeling the need to know his real father. He has love and a great deal of respect for this man who raised him. But he will not call him father because he knows he has one, somewhere. As my son got older he knew the situation between me and this man, I kept nothing from him. No, I did not introduce myself to his children. He did not see them. I tried many times to get him to go and bring them to the house and he said their mother did not want them around my son. That should not have kept him from getting them; he has a drawer full of support payment receipts. He had every right to get them. He was stubborn. So without knowing the full details of what happened here, do not put yourself up on such a high horse. I asked for some advice here, not to be torn apart by people who do not have full knowledge of the situation.

 

[Silverplum]

Hold on Silverplum and Pazmania.

Here I am, and I wasn't here before.
Signatures can cause confusion amongst new posters, but I still enjoy the heck out of them.

First off, I would never tell that child anything. You are right, it is not my place. It is her parents. But I am the BLOOD grandmother. It certainly is my business, not to disclose, but to state my feelings.

Feel free.
Tell your friends and your therapist. Tell your friends on facebook.

But it's not a legal issue. So don't talk about your feelings HERE. Not now that you have received the legal answer and seem to understand it.

Our relationship did not work out. What is it, when the ex leaves, he maintains possession of his ex-s relatives?

Personal problem.

I have one granddaughter and because of his callous way of bringing up a granddaughter, he has in turn taken my granddaughter which he has no right to legally at all. My son is dense. No way in the world should he be allowing this to happen. But you see, monetarily, my ex helped him in paying private school fees because then he did not have to pay it. It is all so wrong. Why am I losing in the end and being told, "it is none of my business" by one of you above. I love my granddaughter and she loves me, but the situation is messy because of my ex-s inability to walk away and take nothing with him, or at the very least (and this is not his call) let her know the truth.

You're treading on dangerous ground.