grandparent nightmare!

[Raspberrykin]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tennessee

Does anyone have any advice for this situation. My eleven year old son's father and I never married. He has had a very limited role in my Son's life. I have been married to my husband for almost five years and we have a three year old daughter together.

I have allowed my son's father's parents liberal visitation with my son over the years. 90% of the time I allow them to have him when they ask. On the occassions I do not let him go, they will sulk and accuse me of various things then invoke the "grandparent's rights" threat. My son has behavior issues (nothing really major, but I have a family history of bipolar disorder and addiction, so I want him to deal with these issues before he has worse problems), and they will not work with me to help with this. they have even criticized me for sending him to a "quack" (their description of his consuleor). My son is a very schedule/routine oriented person. He thrives on structure....they will not even attempt to do simple things to help keep him on track.

His father has little contact with my son. He pays child support (most of the time). He has switched jobs over the past two years and the child support payments would become sporadic during his job transitions. This has thrown my finances off. Don't get me wrong, i am an independant woman, and capable of supporting myself. I could support myself and my children on my own (without help from my husband or son's father), if need be, although it would be tough. Things would be tight, but I would not be in dior straights without childsupport. It definately helps, though. After talking to his father and trying to explain that I had bills to and that we were doing some work to the house at the time, that i needed to know when there was going to be a hiccup in childsupport. I can budget my money appropriately, but it is difficult when I am expecting something and it does not come in. I politely asked him if he could warn me when it was going to be late, or at least let me know when he sent his payment to the state. This was so that i would not spend extra money during a month when support was not going to be there....not to sick the child support people on him. I even suggessted that he apply for a modification if he could not afford the current payment. I waited a year and filed a modification for him, now he refuses to go to court. I am actually trying to help him LOWER what he pays in support.

He now lives in FL, and used the excuse that he was not served papers in time to go to court. Ironically, he emailled me the next day saying that he was in TN at his parents house and wanted to see our son that weekend. I told him no, because we have already made plans, and that he should give more advanced notice. He then shouts off in an email that he DEMANDS that I allow him to see his son and that I constantly deny he and his parents visitation. (For the record, son's father has only asked to see son about 4 or 5 times total....I only turned him down because of the lack of notice) He threatens to "take legal action" and lots of other mess. I invited him to hire a lawyer, petition the court for set, regular visitation....after all he will have to abide by it and visit his son.

Another complication I have is my crazy mother. She was diagnosed with multible mental issues years ago. Since I married my husband she has done multiple things to undermine my authority with my son. She has even taken actions that put our daughter at risk. She had a habit of showing up at my house, letting herself in (she no longer has a key), and even attempting to take my son with her on occassion. What would usually happen is she would barge into my home, lead my son to his room (which is out of earshot) and tell him untrue things about me. On multiple occasions, the baby monitor would be on in my daughter's roon accross the hall, so I would turn on the receiver just to see what she was saying. She would call me horrible things, tell my son that he should not have to pick up his own room or do chores, that was considered abuse, etc. I finally got tired of her doing this and threw her out of my house two years ago and have cut off contact with her. It does not end there. She is very muniputalive. Since I have not willingly given my son over to her, she has started a smear campaign. She tells various people in our small town things that are not true about me. She has told people that my husband will not allow me to have contact with my family because he made us join a cult**************my husband is an atheist, and last time I checked they do not form cults! She has told people that my daughter is retarded because I took drugs while pregnant with her...neither is true. My daughter knew her ABC's before she could walk and can count past twenty at 3, not to mention, she can talk your ears off! I have never used/abused any illegal substance. The only prescription drug I took when I was pregnant was Phenegram for nausea. You get the point. She is now communicating with my son's other grandparents. My son has read some of the emails they have exchanged and has tried to tell his nana that my mother is lying. I am becoming paranoid, because I do not know what they are planning and why they (especially my own mother) feel the need to do these things....my son is caught in the middle. My son has had a good relationship with my stepfather, unfortuanately, he and my mother are a package deal and I will not risk either of my children's safety.

Here is my dilemia...this situation is driving me nuts! I Try to be fair with my son's father and his parent's for visitation, although they have no regard for my wishes and my son's emotional needs. Often we are faced with canceling our plans at the last moment so they can get my son, and he will not miss out on what we were going to do. If we continue with our plans when he is away, he feels left out and jealous of his sister, sometimes resentful. He always comes back home with an attitude and sometimes behavior problems at school after a visit. What can I do? I have no issue with the father and his parents having visitation, I have a problem with the last minute insistance that I comply with their demands and their lack of respect for my family. I do not want my delusional mother in my or my children's life. How can I legally prevent her from doing that? Is there something preemptive I can do? We are not wealthy by any means....We pay our bills and have a little bit of extra money, but not enough to sustain a lenghthy court battle. If my son's father would just man-up and talk to me instead of using his mother, I feel like a lot of issues would be resolved. Anytime I mention that idea, His mother puts out the idea that I just want to get back together with him, which could not be further from the truth! Is there a way that I can get our parents to butt out and let us resolve the issues ourselves? Please, any advice, this is driving me nuts!

Raspberrykin

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by Raspberrykin

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? tennessee

Does anyone have any advice for this situation. My eleven year old son's father and I never married. He has had a very limited role in my Son's life. I have been married to my husband for almost five years and we have a three year old daughter together.

I have allowed my son's father's parents liberal visitation with my son over the years. 90% of the time I allow them to have him when they ask. On the occassions I do not let him go, they will sulk and accuse me of various things then invoke the "grandparent's rights" threat. My son has behavior issues (nothing really major, but I have a family history of bipolar disorder and addiction, so I want him to deal with these issues before he has worse problems), and they will not work with me to help with this. they have even criticized me for sending him to a "quack" (their description of his consuleor). My son is a very schedule/routine oriented person. He thrives on structure....they will not even attempt to do simple things to help keep him on track.

His father has little contact with my son. He pays child support (most of the time). He has switched jobs over the past two years and the child support payments would become sporadic during his job transitions. This has thrown my finances off. Don't get me wrong, i am an independant woman, and capable of supporting myself. I could support myself and my children on my own (without help from my husband or son's father), if need be, although it would be tough. Things would be tight, but I would not be in dior straights without childsupport. It definately helps, though. After talking to his father and trying to explain that I had bills to and that we were doing some work to the house at the time, that i needed to know when there was going to be a hiccup in childsupport. I can budget my money appropriately, but it is difficult when I am expecting something and it does not come in. I politely asked him if he could warn me when it was going to be late, or at least let me know when he sent his payment to the state. This was so that i would not spend extra money during a month when support was not going to be there....not to sick the child support people on him. I even suggessted that he apply for a modification if he could not afford the current payment. I waited a year and filed a modification for him, now he refuses to go to court. I am actually trying to help him LOWER what he pays in support.

He now lives in FL, and used the excuse that he was not served papers in time to go to court. Ironically, he emailled me the next day saying that he was in TN at his parents house and wanted to see our son that weekend. I told him no, because we have already made plans, and that he should give more advanced notice. He then shouts off in an email that he DEMANDS that I allow him to see his son and that I constantly deny he and his parents visitation. (For the record, son's father has only asked to see son about 4 or 5 times total....I only turned him down because of the lack of notice) He threatens to "take legal action" and lots of other mess. I invited him to hire a lawyer, petition the court for set, regular visitation....after all he will have to abide by it and visit his son.

Another complication I have is my crazy mother. She was diagnosed with multible mental issues years ago. Since I married my husband she has done multiple things to undermine my authority with my son. She has even taken actions that put our daughter at risk. She had a habit of showing up at my house, letting herself in (she no longer has a key), and even attempting to take my son with her on occassion. What would usually happen is she would barge into my home, lead my son to his room (which is out of earshot) and tell him untrue things about me. On multiple occasions, the baby monitor would be on in my daughter's roon accross the hall, so I would turn on the receiver just to see what she was saying. She would call me horrible things, tell my son that he should not have to pick up his own room or do chores, that was considered abuse, etc. I finally got tired of her doing this and threw her out of my house two years ago and have cut off contact with her. It does not end there. She is very muniputalive. Since I have not willingly given my son over to her, she has started a smear campaign. She tells various people in our small town things that are not true about me. She has told people that my husband will not allow me to have contact with my family because he made us join a cult**************my husband is an atheist, and last time I checked they do not form cults! She has told people that my daughter is retarded because I took drugs while pregnant with her...neither is true. My daughter knew her ABC's before she could walk and can count past twenty at 3, not to mention, she can talk your ears off! I have never used/abused any illegal substance. The only prescription drug I took when I was pregnant was Phenegram for nausea. You get the point. She is now communicating with my son's other grandparents. My son has read some of the emails they have exchanged and has tried to tell his nana that my mother is lying. I am becoming paranoid, because I do not know what they are planning and why they (especially my own mother) feel the need to do these things....my son is caught in the middle. My son has had a good relationship with my stepfather, unfortuanately, he and my mother are a package deal and I will not risk either of my children's safety.

Here is my dilemia...this situation is driving me nuts! I Try to be fair with my son's father and his parent's for visitation, although they have no regard for my wishes and my son's emotional needs. Often we are faced with canceling our plans at the last moment so they can get my son, and he will not miss out on what we were going to do. If we continue with our plans when he is away, he feels left out and jealous of his sister, sometimes resentful. He always comes back home with an attitude and sometimes behavior problems at school after a visit. What can I do? I have no issue with the father and his parents having visitation, I have a problem with the last minute insistance that I comply with their demands and their lack of respect for my family. I do not want my delusional mother in my or my children's life. How can I legally prevent her from doing that? Is there something preemptive I can do? We are not wealthy by any means....We pay our bills and have a little bit of extra money, but not enough to sustain a lenghthy court battle. If my son's father would just man-up and talk to me instead of using his mother, I feel like a lot of issues would be resolved. Anytime I mention that idea, His mother puts out the idea that I just want to get back together with him, which could not be further from the truth! Is there a way that I can get our parents to butt out and let us resolve the issues ourselves? Please, any advice, this is driving me nuts!

Raspberrykin

Well, the first thing that you do is that you grow a pair. If you have other plans, you have other plans. You should NEVER cancel your plans in favor of what grandparents want EVER. Since dad so rarely sees the child it might (depending on the plans that are to be cancelled) be appropriate to cancel or adjust plans for him, but NEVER for grandparents. Let them threaten and bluster all that they want.

You are the child's mother. Act like the child's mother and take some authority where your child is concerned.

If you don't want your mother in your child's life, then keep her out...don't worry about her gossip and mudflinging.

[Raspberrykin]

I grew my "woman b@lls" years ago! I am actually laughing right now because that is what i told the father....man-up and grow a pair!

I do turn them down sometimes, if we have something important things going on.....this weekend we went to the zoo, because we had promised BOTH of the children for a while. I held my ground. The father fired back a nasty email, and I fired right back. Sometimes, I just get wore down by them....My son must get that trait from them.....no does not mean no, it means keep trying for a yes!

I know that in TN Hawk vs Hawk is an important case. I seem to recall another case more recently (last couple of years or so) here in TN that involved GPV. The scenerio was that the child's father had died, and the mother moved or otherwise would not let the paternal grandfather see the child. I do not think there was an issue of abuse. It went to the TN supreme court, the mother won, but she was advised to let the grandfather see the child because they had a relationship. Does anyone remember this? If so what was the case?

Thanks!