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  1. #1
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Question Keep grandmother away

    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MO


    I do not know much about these sorts of things so please bear with me if I am being naive on the subject as all of this is new to me. The simple version of my question is basically if I can take legal action into keeping the biological paternal grandmother away from my child? And what if the father of the child does not agree this is the best course of action, would it still be possible despite this? If so, what if she violates it and what if he even assisted with it and knew about it?



    Now, for the more in depth version and explaination as to why...

    First of all, let me just say that the grandmother in question has never directly done anything horrific to me personally. She has said a lot of hurtful, nasty things about me and has always left me in an uneasy state around her but she's never "done" anything to me. She's, for the most part, always tried to be pleasant and has even helped me a few times... example: I ended up getting sick in the middle of a grocery store once out of the complete blue and she took care of me. And I am not in any way trying to say she's some horrible person and "bash" her so much by this, it's just I want my child to be safe first and formost. And I don't necessarily see that in the brightest of lights.

    I have seen a few other posts where a lot of people bring similar up over something small, like they grandmother said something they didn't like once upon a time or is trying to run how they are raising their children, ect. My concern with this woman in my life goes a bit deeper than this.

    I will also point out that I am currently still pregnant, I am in my first trimester, I just want to know my options ahead of time instead of scrambling when it's too late.


    My boyfriend, the father, was born into his mother's second marriage (of six) when she was nineteen years old. His biological father remained in question for most of his life, but that's another story. He was just a toddler when his grandparents (his biological maternal grandmother and her second husband) stepped in to adopt him, challenging the courts against the mistreatment the mother was putting him through. It eventually got all worked out, he went to be raised by his grandparents, who would spend their life trying to shield him from her.

    His mother went on to marry six times in total, and she had three more children that she ended up raising and I have heard the shocking tales of abuse and neglect from not only the children but straight from the mother herself. The two daughters she has refuses to let their children be around her unless supervised and even then they hardly take any chances. All of her children have expressed how lucky my boyfriend is to have not been raised by her or ever even really know her at all when growing up. I've heard stories of being locked in a room for extended periods of time, hospital visits when she'd go off, there are legal case documents of legal action filed against with assult. She's been verbally abusive, manipulative, stolen from all of her children, ect. It's sad.

    My biggest issue is with her physical abruptness. She has a quick reflex into getting into it with someone. It's exactly what has always left me uneasy around her. She's gone to prison for assault, she abused her children and all of her husbands (though that was a two way street on every last one of them), she's gotten into fights with friends and family members, put people in the hospital, beat up a few police officers even when trying to break something she started up many years ago. And she'll just sit right there and tell you like it's nothing. She has thrown groceries and shouted at the top of her lungs and pushed carts at people or overturned them in stores if someone spends more than five seconds in her way then storm out of the place knocking stuff over along the way. When we were at a local fair last year she got kicked off the grounds for getting into it with a seventeen year old girl and slapped her. I will say the girl was being rude and had the entire two bleachers we were on insanely upset but it didn't start getting physical until she kept poking and prodding the situation too much. Tension was just filling the air and it almost came to a full out blow by blow knock out fight. And just the other week, she beat up her other son's girlfriend for accidentally knocking her elbow into her when she turned around in the computer chair. She had to be taken to the hospital for stitches and pain medication after it, the girlfriend was a bloody mess. Her clothing was ripped, dirty, bloody. There's blood stains on the carpet at the house.

    Obviously this is not someone I want around my child if I can help it.

    I have seen her around other children. She had been asked to watch the children of my boyfriend's best friend's children on a number of occasions, plus they had all temporarily lived together for a short while, and I saw her constantly screaming and just flat out slapping the crap out of them. Once even witnessed her picking the toddler up and throwing her over a baby gate. I would see her start something with the young girl, trying to be playful, then when she got tired of it she just expected the girl to be done after three minutes so when she would keep trying to play she would get knocked around and told to stop. And I mean just flat out backhand her.

    So again, biggest concern is safety.


    She also has medical issues. She's a former addict and she has seizures. She claims to not be able to live alone due to them. However, she has faked having an "episode" on numerous accounts. If she wants sympathy or something to benefit her or get out of something she's actually stooped that low. She also told my boyfriend she had a cancerous tumor on her brain, had her other son lie for her as well, in order for him to even speak to her again in the first place after having kicked her from his life years before. And used it as a way to get him to give her a place to stay when she found herself homeless.


    There is the company she keeps. All loser men, her type is always the same, they must be abusive lowlifes. She is currently dating and living with her newest man who is verbally and possibly been physically abusive to her already, he's rude, racist, has threatened my boyfriend more than once. He makes me just as uneasy as she does.

    Her previous husband is what had my boyfriend kick her out of his life for several years. That and the fact the two of them stole from him. When he got older, was an adult, had been in the Army and come back from his tour overseas in Kuwait and Iraq, he decided to meet his mother and the family. He started growing closer to her over the years, she even moved more south to be closer to him. He lived with her for a short while, was using her place as storage for a few things, as were two of his friends and all of them ended up screwed over it. All of their belongings were stolen and sold by the two of them. Again was something she would up in prison for when charges were brought up. Money was stolen, person belongings, car parts, forged checks, so on. It was a big mess.

    He wouldn't talk to her or anyone else if they were living with her or speaking to her for years after this. Then he decided to give her another chance last year. She divorced from the guy she was with, she'd been out of jail and supposively living clean, and he wanted to give her a chance. So for awhile they lived together. She wound up selling drugs out of his house, he continually had to step in and keep her out of jail and calm her down when she'd get riled up, she'd scream at him for hours when he was over at my place or we had gone out of town or state to come back home over nonsense like she needed soda or she couldn't find something in the house. And when he moved out of that house and in with me? Oh, my God!


    I haven't exactly discussed all of this with him, my fears and concerns, least not yet though I do fully plan to. But I already know he's going to try and talk me out of such of thing, saying she's just fine and so on. He chooses to ignore what's right in front of him more and more often. He would rather look the other way on so much. Now, if she truly did something to me and/or our child I have zero doubt in my mind that'd be a switch when it came to her. But then that's waiting until something has happened, damage already has been done. I don't want to HAVE to have a wake up call where me or my child end up getting hurt in the first place.
  2. #2
    Antigone* is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FairytaleOfNew View Post
    What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? MO


    I do not know much about these sorts of things so please bear with me if I am being naive on the subject as all of this is new to me. The simple version of my question is basically if I can take legal action into keeping the biological paternal grandmother away from my child? And what if the father of the child does not agree this is the best course of action, would it still be possible despite this? If so, what if she violates it and what if he even assisted with it and knew about it?



    Now, for the more in depth version and explaination as to why...

    First of all, let me just say that the grandmother in question has never directly done anything horrific to me personally. She has said a lot of hurtful, nasty things about me and has always left me in an uneasy state around her but she's never "done" anything to me. She's, for the most part, always tried to be pleasant and has even helped me a few times... example: I ended up getting sick in the middle of a grocery store once out of the complete blue and she took care of me. And I am not in any way trying to say she's some horrible person and "bash" her so much by this, it's just I want my child to be safe first and formost. And I don't necessarily see that in the brightest of lights.

    I have seen a few other posts where a lot of people bring similar up over something small, like they grandmother said something they didn't like once upon a time or is trying to run how they are raising their children, ect. My concern with this woman in my life goes a bit deeper than this.

    I will also point out that I am currently still pregnant, I am in my first trimester, I just want to know my options ahead of time instead of scrambling when it's too late.


    My boyfriend, the father, was born into his mother's second marriage (of six) when she was nineteen years old. His biological father remained in question for most of his life, but that's another story. He was just a toddler when his grandparents (his biological maternal grandmother and her second husband) stepped in to adopt him, challenging the courts against the mistreatment the mother was putting him through. It eventually got all worked out, he went to be raised by his grandparents, who would spend their life trying to shield him from her.

    His mother went on to marry six times in total, and she had three more children that she ended up raising and I have heard the shocking tales of abuse and neglect from not only the children but straight from the mother herself. The two daughters she has refuses to let their children be around her unless supervised and even then they hardly take any chances. All of her children have expressed how lucky my boyfriend is to have not been raised by her or ever even really know her at all when growing up. I've heard stories of being locked in a room for extended periods of time, hospital visits when she'd go off, there are legal case documents of legal action filed against with assult. She's been verbally abusive, manipulative, stolen from all of her children, ect. It's sad.

    My biggest issue is with her physical abruptness. She has a quick reflex into getting into it with someone. It's exactly what has always left me uneasy around her. She's gone to prison for assault, she abused her children and all of her husbands (though that was a two way street on every last one of them), she's gotten into fights with friends and family members, put people in the hospital, beat up a few police officers even when trying to break something she started up many years ago. And she'll just sit right there and tell you like it's nothing. She has thrown groceries and shouted at the top of her lungs and pushed carts at people or overturned them in stores if someone spends more than five seconds in her way then storm out of the place knocking stuff over along the way. When we were at a local fair last year she got kicked off the grounds for getting into it with a seventeen year old girl and slapped her. I will say the girl was being rude and had the entire two bleachers we were on insanely upset but it didn't start getting physical until she kept poking and prodding the situation too much. Tension was just filling the air and it almost came to a full out blow by blow knock out fight. And just the other week, she beat up her other son's girlfriend for accidentally knocking her elbow into her when she turned around in the computer chair. She had to be taken to the hospital for stitches and pain medication after it, the girlfriend was a bloody mess. Her clothing was ripped, dirty, bloody. There's blood stains on the carpet at the house.

    Obviously this is not someone I want around my child if I can help it.

    I have seen her around other children. She had been asked to watch the children of my boyfriend's best friend's children on a number of occasions, plus they had all temporarily lived together for a short while, and I saw her constantly screaming and just flat out slapping the crap out of them. Once even witnessed her picking the toddler up and throwing her over a baby gate. I would see her start something with the young girl, trying to be playful, then when she got tired of it she just expected the girl to be done after three minutes so when she would keep trying to play she would get knocked around and told to stop. And I mean just flat out backhand her.

    So again, biggest concern is safety.


    She also has medical issues. She's a former addict and she has seizures. She claims to not be able to live alone due to them. However, she has faked having an "episode" on numerous accounts. If she wants sympathy or something to benefit her or get out of something she's actually stooped that low. She also told my boyfriend she had a cancerous tumor on her brain, had her other son lie for her as well, in order for him to even speak to her again in the first place after having kicked her from his life years before. And used it as a way to get him to give her a place to stay when she found herself homeless.


    There is the company she keeps. All loser men, her type is always the same, they must be abusive lowlifes. She is currently dating and living with her newest man who is verbally and possibly been physically abusive to her already, he's rude, racist, has threatened my boyfriend more than once. He makes me just as uneasy as she does.

    Her previous husband is what had my boyfriend kick her out of his life for several years. That and the fact the two of them stole from him. When he got older, was an adult, had been in the Army and come back from his tour overseas in Kuwait and Iraq, he decided to meet his mother and the family. He started growing closer to her over the years, she even moved more south to be closer to him. He lived with her for a short while, was using her place as storage for a few things, as were two of his friends and all of them ended up screwed over it. All of their belongings were stolen and sold by the two of them. Again was something she would up in prison for when charges were brought up. Money was stolen, person belongings, car parts, forged checks, so on. It was a big mess.

    He wouldn't talk to her or anyone else if they were living with her or speaking to her for years after this. Then he decided to give her another chance last year. She divorced from the guy she was with, she'd been out of jail and supposively living clean, and he wanted to give her a chance. So for awhile they lived together. She wound up selling drugs out of his house, he continually had to step in and keep her out of jail and calm her down when she'd get riled up, she'd scream at him for hours when he was over at my place or we had gone out of town or state to come back home over nonsense like she needed soda or she couldn't find something in the house. And when he moved out of that house and in with me? Oh, my God!


    I haven't exactly discussed all of this with him, my fears and concerns, least not yet though I do fully plan to. But I already know he's going to try and talk me out of such of thing, saying she's just fine and so on. He chooses to ignore what's right in front of him more and more often. He would rather look the other way on so much. Now, if she truly did something to me and/or our child I have zero doubt in my mind that'd be a switch when it came to her. But then that's waiting until something has happened, damage already has been done. I don't want to HAVE to have a wake up call where me or my child end up getting hurt in the first place.
    The long version was just way too long to read. So let me answer your basic question. If you are unmarried and dad has not yet been legally declared the father of the child (no child yet to legitimize), then only you will have custody and you can choose who you want your child to be around.

    Once dad has himself legally declared the father and seeks visitation after the child is born, he will be able to take his child during his time. You will not be able to tell him who the child can see during his time.
  3. #3
    ecmst12 is offline Senior Member
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    All that completely irrelevent commentary, yet no mention of whether she and BF are still together, even.
  4. #4
    Antigone* is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    All that completely irrelevent commentary, yet no mention of whether she and BF are still together, even.
    Even that wouldn't matter.
  5. #5
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antigone* View Post
    The long version was just way too long to read. So let me answer your basic question. If you are unmarried and dad has not yet been legally declared the father of the child (no child yet to legitimize), then only you will have custody and you can choose who you want your child to be around.

    Once dad has himself legally declared the father and seeks visitation after the child is born, he will be able to take his child during his time. You will not be able to tell him who the child can see during his time.

    I am unmarried and the child is not yet born but once it is he will be on the certificate, have rights, we plan on getting married next year.

    I can not legally stop someone from seeing my child basically was the question? Even if it is someone abusive and I can prove to the court of her behavior? What if something does happen later when he/she IS born and is put in danger and/or is harmed by this woman?
  6. #6
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    All that completely irrelevent commentary, yet no mention of whether she and BF are still together, even.
    He is my boyfriend, not my ex boyfriend, we live together, are having this child together unless I choose to abort to keep it from his mother if need be and plan to get married next year. We just often have different views, he likes to try and give people chances who run him over and hurt everyone around him.

    I don't want it to come to what she did with her other son's girlfriend for him to come to his senses. I don't need to be another victim to this woman, nor does an innocent child.
  7. #7
    TheGeekess is offline Senior Member
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    Grandparents do not have inherent rights to their grandchildren. And suing for visitation against an intact family is usually doomed to failure, especially if said grandchild has not ever had contact with the grandparents.
  8. #8
    Antigone* is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FairytaleOfNew View Post
    I am unmarried and the child is not yet born but once it is he will be on the certificate, have rights, we plan on getting married next year.

    I can not legally stop someone from seeing my child basically was the question? Even if it is someone abusive and I can prove to the court of her behavior? What if something does happen later when he/she IS born and is put in danger and/or is harmed by this woman?
    At this point in time there is no child, so you do what you feel like with your body. When the child comes out of your body, if you are not married, you are the sole custodian. Dad will have rights when a court gives him rights. Dad will have visitation when a court grants him visitation. Until then you would have control over the life of your child.

    When the day comes that dad has visitation, or you are married to him things change. Until then, what ifs don't matter.
  9. #9
    Isis1 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by FairytaleOfNew View Post
    I am unmarried and the child is not yet born but once it is he will be on the certificate, have rights, we plan on getting married next year.

    I can not legally stop someone from seeing my child basically was the question? Even if it is someone abusive and I can prove to the court of her behavior? What if something does happen later when he/she IS born and is put in danger and/or is harmed by this woman?
    You cannot stop your boyfriend from visiting his mom WITH the child without a court order. Whether you are with your boyfriend, not with your boyfriend, married or divorced.
  10. #10
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheGeekess View Post
    Grandparents do not have inherent rights to their grandchildren. And suing for visitation against an intact family is usually doomed to failure, especially if said grandchild has not ever had contact with the grandparents.
    Also I always wondered with he fact she gave her son up yet is the biological mother so does that matter?

    My boyfriend is going to want his mother in the child's life while I never want her near. She's too mentally unstable and dangerous.
  11. #11
    ecmst12 is offline Senior Member
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    YOU can refuse to let grandma see the child. But dad can allow it. Dad can invite his mother over to his house to visit with his child, and there's not really anything you can do about it. You really need to accept the fact that she is his MOTHER no matter how imperfect of a mother she may have been, and it does not seem likely that he will want to cut her out of his life.

    You do not have anything resembling evidence that would allow you to get a restraining order or anything of the sort.
  12. #12
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Antigone* View Post
    At this point in time there is no child, so you do what you feel like with your body. When the child comes out of your body, if you are not married, you are the sole custodian. Dad will have rights when a court gives him rights. Dad will have visitation when a court grants him visitation. Until then you would have control over the life of your child.

    When the day comes that dad has visitation, or you are married to him things change. Until then, what ifs don't matter.

    I know, I'm just trying to get information so I don't go in blindly. I don't want something to happen THEN be scrambling around to figuring things out, just trying to be prepared. I'm just a little lost on all this so again I apoligize if I seem misguided. When he signs the birth certificate does he have right to choose who the child sees? Can he automatically go take her/him around his mother or can I prevent that? Does he have to a court ruling to make those decisions? Can I fight them, not him but who else is ever around? Or does have to be the two parents agree?
  13. #13
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ecmst12 View Post
    YOU can refuse to let grandma see the child. But dad can allow it. Dad can invite his mother over to his house to visit with his child, and there's not really anything you can do about it. You really need to accept the fact that she is his MOTHER no matter how imperfect of a mother she may have been, and it does not seem likely that he will want to cut her out of his life.

    You do not have anything resembling evidence that would allow you to get a restraining order or anything of the sort.

    Okay, thank you for your help. She has not done anything to me or the child obviously yet but it's only a matter of time and that scares me. Her other son's girlfriend had an emergency one put on her and is causing a lot of legal issues. She's put her own pregnant daughter in the hospital and I just didn't want to be that next one, you know? He's great, his mother is a basket case.

    I've been struggling with keeping the child or aborting and I grew up abused myself and I just can't see myself letting someone hurt my child. Was another big thing for me, this searching for answers to help decide what is best.

    I just know I don't want her around my child and until something bad enough happens he will fight me on it.
  14. #14
    ecmst12 is offline Senior Member
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    You are going to be living together. He is going to have access to the child. He can decide to allow his mother to visit. Are you going to break up with him over this and try to prevent him from having access to the child? You won't be successful in that either, though you could delay his access for a little while. But even then, eventually he will have access to the child and will have the same rights as you do, to decide who gets to spend time with the child during his parenting time.

    Consider this your first lesson in parenting: You CAN NOT control everything.
  15. #15
    FairytaleOfNew is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Isis1 View Post
    You cannot stop your boyfriend from visiting his mom WITH the child without a court order. Whether you are with your boyfriend, not with your boyfriend, married or divorced.
    Can I get a court order TO keep that from happening? What are grounds for it? If he contests it can it still happen? I mean, is there even a chance of it?

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