*Deep breath* Ok...I am honestly scared to death to post this in open forum. But because I want what is best for my granddaughter, I am going to bite the bullet and do it. This has the potential to be a very long post - years worth of information. Please bear with me, and feel free to ask questions to clarify anything that I don't make clear.
My daughter and granddaughter have lived with me on and off since the day after my granddaughter was born. When my granddaughter was 10 months old, my daughter moved into an apartment with a man she had only known a few short months. I knew the man was abusive to my daughter, but I could not get her to admit it. I kept my granddaughter every day while my daughter worked. I checked her every day for signs of abuse. Thankfully, I never found any signs of abuse on my granddaughter (physical abuse, anyway). The relationship lasted 4 months, my daughter had finally had enough of the abuse and she moved back home with me. A few short months later, she started dating another man who was also abusive to her. He was also quite harsh with my granddaughter, and acted like he was her father - even posting things on facebook such as "Me and my girlfriend have an 18 month old daughter..." It made me sick. Even though she never fully moved in with this guy, she stayed with him at least 5 nights a week, and had my granddaughter with her. That relationship quickly fizzled also, but my daughter jumped straight into another unhealthy relationship. This one lasted ten months, and it was ten months of hell for my granddaughter - and for me.
This man demanded that my granddaughter call him "daddy" ...any time she called him by his name, he would quickly say "No, I'm daddy!" He expected perfection from a 2 year old little girl. She was not allowed to get dirty, he felt that she should be potty trained and punished her harshly when she would have accidents, he restricted her access to drinks because if she drank too much that was the reason she was peeing her pants in his mind. She was forced to ask before touching anything - even her own toys - and she had to say "Daddy can I please...(whatever she wanted to do) ... if she didn't say it just right, he would tell her to try again. She was also not allowed to make a mess of any kind. If she spilled something on her highchair tray, he would say "Messes make daddy very angry. Do you want daddy to be very angry?" He kept my granddaughter while my daughter worked (he did not work the entire time they were together). I would walk into the house to find him sitting on the couch watching tv eating his supper, and my granddaughter would be in a highchair on the other side of the room, with her back towards him and the tv, eating her supper. I walked in on this on several occasions. Also, numerous times when I would go to their house when my daughter was working, I would find him asleep on the couch, and my granddaughter would be baby-gated in her room. Then, when I approached my daughter with my concerns about my granddaughter and the care she was getting, he would restrict my access to my granddaughter. I would go weeks without seeing her for such minor infractions as allowing her to color with markers and getting marker on her hands or clothes.
I noticed that my granddaughter had frequent UTI's. At first, I thought it was because she was taking bubble baths every night, coupled with the fact that she was potty training and maybe wasn't being wiped properly. I was with my daughter at one of the appointments she took my granddaughter to where the doctor asked if my daughter suspected any kind of sexual abuse. My daughter didn't hesitate - the question wasn't fully out of the doctors mouth and my daughter was saying "No! Absolutely not!" But it made me start thinking. The relationship ended 13 months ago and my granddaughter has not had one UTI since she moved back into my home.
2 months ago, my daughter informed me that she had been talking to this man again - and that they are going to try to work things out. My heart sank. Around the time my daughter reintroduced my granddaughter to this man, my husband and I started noticing changes in our granddaughter. She is having accidents in her pants again - something she hasn't done in a year. She has started throwing fits - again, something she normally does not do. When my daughter tells my granddaughter that they are going out to dinner with this man, or having a sleepover at his house, my granddaughter has a major meltdown. She cries, she says she doesn't want to go, she begs her mom to let her stay with me. My daughter always ends up carrying her out of the house kicking and screaming.
My daughter has also become very harsh with my granddaughter since she started dating this man again. There have been a couple of times when they have gone out with this man and my daughter had brought my granddaughter home after an hour or so telling me right in front of my granddaughter that she is "the most horrible child ever!" and that she can't act right in public. (For the record, I take her shopping, out to eat, to church, and she is perfectly well behaved 95 percent of the time.) My daughter screams at my granddaughter and spanks her every day and puts her in the corner and tells her she is being ridiculous. When she cries, my daughter will yell at her "What the hell is your problem?!" And it is for the most minor things - not putting a toy away in the proper place (toy box vs arts and crafts bin). I started keeping a journal back in April. I know I will probably need it some day. My daughter will put my granddaughter to bed, then take off to be with this man and not come back until after her shift at work the following day. I write all of this down. My granddaughter is in pre-school. One day the week before school was out, my daughter had been out with this man all night, then took my granddaughter to school and dropped her off. She went back home and fell asleep and didn't wake up until 25 minutes after school was over. I just happened to be in town that day at an appointment and went to pick my granddaughter up at school. I keep notes on everything - when my granddaughter spends time with this man, and her reactions to spending time with him. She frequently pees her pants after a visit with him, and also has an attitude - even with me, which is unusual. My granddaughter has started punishing her stuffed animals, telling them they are "bad" and "ridiculous" and "horrible"...she will spank them and throw them in the corner and yell "You stay there until you can apologize!"
I'm worried about my granddaughter. I know my daughter has the potential to be an amazing mother - it's just buried so deep inside of her right now. She needs to get away from this man, and take some parenting classes or something. I've read these forums for weeks, and it scares me to think about getting the courts involved because what if I lose and my daughter takes my granddaughter away and never lets me see her again? How can I protect her if I don't get to see her? I don't want to take this precious little girl away from her mother - I want her mother to wake up and realize what she is doing to this child and make the changes she needs to make.
What do I do?
