feeling punished

[stephstew123]

What is the name of your state? California

----- Original Message -----
From: stephstew123
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2003 11:45 AM
Subject: feelingpunished


I was hired on 09-05-02. My boss tells me he hired me because I was a "Hottie" a couple of months later. I am 37 years old, never married with one 15 year old son, so needless to say I was flattered. He has been married for 15 years and has two sons. He continued to make innuendos and comments about how pretty I was, or how good I looked in certain jeans and became very open in his attraction to me. I told him it wouldn't be a good idea to continue these thoughts. He continued to pursue me and it really felt nice to receive the compliments and attention. He went out of his way to be nice, he helped me move into my new apartment, took me to an out surgery appointment, gave me money for food and eventually I gave in and became sexually involved. I continued to tell him he needed to work things out with his wife but he sad he didn't love her anymore and that the only thing that has made him smile in a very long time besides his sons was me. At work he started paying too much attention to me, constantly around me making the other employees and myself feel weird. I told him he needed to stay away from me at work, he needed to let me do the job I was hired for and to stop helping me with the everything. Eventually, the other employees went to my supervisors supervisor and complained of inappropriate behavior and preferential treatment. Now my problem is: When upper management came to address this complaint, they immediately sent my boss home and interrogated all my co-workers, even calling them in on their days off. Not one time was I spoken to about anything. It was Friday and I was soon to be off work. After completing their investigation (one week later) they told my boss that one of us (my boss or me) was going to be transferred to another store and to talk to me about transferring to a store 7 miles away (mind you I just moved into an apartment after being hired at this job not more than 1/4 mile away from it so I could walk to work due to not having transportation ). They told him to tell me that I was needed at that store and to offer me a .50 raise to transfer. I immediately said "NO", that it wasn't feasible for me to do this I refuse. He relayed this to them and was told they would get back to him. Not once was I spoken to, so I demanded that they explain to me themselves. The following week they came in, called me into the office and told me that I would be starting at the other location the following morning and that if I didn't clock in they would take that as a sign of my resignation. I ask about the raise and he said they didn't have to because it wasn't over 50 miles relocation. Not one thing happened to my boss. He no longer sees me or talks to me after promising me marriage, money and a life together (which is ok). I feel as though I was punished. I now HATE my job, feel uncomfortable with the new all male crew and I feel the company more or less approved of his behavior. My life is now miserable. While his life is just great. He has since hired another female. What can I do about this unfair treatment?

 

[Beth3]

Find another job.

You voluntarily entered into a sexual relationship with your married boss, the other employees found out (which was bound to happen) and it naturally caused significant problems in the workplace. Company management could have fired the both of you if they'd wanted to.

Just because your boss wasn't transferred doesn't mean he hasn't had any consequences. He engaged in what can be referred to as a CLC (career limiting caper) and there may be far more significant consequences to him than you'll ever know, both at work and at home. Just because you haven't SEEN anything happen to him doesn't mean it hasn't or that it won't.

One of you had to be moved from that location in order to resolve the problems in your workplace and I would expect that it was far easier to locate an available position in the vicinity for you than for your boss. Hourly positions typically become available far more frequently than supervisory/management positions.

 

[JETX]

I would love to see 'Beth' or 'cbg' respond to this one......

In the meantime, my 'gut' response....

You have no case. If you had not entered into the relationship, you would very probably have had a good case for sexual harassment, but since you allowed it to 'blossom', this becomes a basic 'boyfriend-girlfriend at-work, gone bad' situation. I notice that you make no mention of filing any complaints, etc. as to his conduct. And when the employer received complaints from fellow workers, they seem to hve taken appropriate action. Simply, I don't see any actionable claim on your part.

Your options now..... to continue work at the new location, or to find another employer.

 

[BeckyW]

Hello Stephstew! It sounds like you were targeted by a workplace bully with a serious narcissistic streak. What you describe is a situation where your boundaries were crossed, repeatedly, as a result of which your co-workers hate you and when you complained about what was happening you were made out to be "the problem".

I strongly encourage you to google search the terms "workplace bullying" and "mobbing" to educate yourself about this very painful, and psychologically violent and humiliating phenomenon you experienced.

There are several Yahoo support boards for people either enduring or recovering from workplace bullying. Some are specifically for women who have stories that are very similar to yours.

If you want more information, please feel free to contact me directly.

Becky W.

 

[JETX]

Becky, nice response, but you clearly either didn't read the initial post, or don't understand it.

"It sounds like you were targeted by a workplace bully with a serious narcissistic streak."
*** Wow, what size was the box of Cracker Jacks that you got your 'psyco degree' in??
First, there is NOTHING in the original post to imply anyone was 'bullied' ("He continued to pursue me and it really felt nice to receive the compliments and attention.")
Second, you clearly don't understand what 'narcissism' is. There is NOTHING in the post that even implies that the other employee had "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy".

"What you describe is a situation where your boundaries were crossed, repeatedly"
*** Again, there is NOTHING in the post that would lead a normal person to even assume that 'boundaries' were crossed. The writer was clearly flattered by the attention and fell for the 'line' presented by the manager.

"as a result of which your co-workers hate you and when you complained about what was happening you were made out to be "the problem"."
*** Again, the writer didn't complain, the fellow employees did ("Eventually, the other employees went to my supervisors supervisor and complained of inappropriate behavior and preferential treatment").

"I strongly encourage you to google search the terms "workplace bullying" and "mobbing" to educate yourself about this very painful, and psychologically violent and humiliating phenomenon you experienced"
*** Me thinks that YOU have some very serious emotional problems and very likely were on the receiving end of a narcisstic bully situation that was unresolved. And that anger and hurt clearly leads you to believe that every unhappy situation was caused by the same circumstances yours was. Either that, or you just can't comprehend the written word.

 

[Beth3]

I've noticed Becky posting on several law boards of late, under a variety of names. The entire jist of the advice she has to offer is to do a google search for workplace bullying and mobbing, whether it's relevant to the poster's question/problem or not (mostly not.)

Nothing wrong with that advice if it's relevant of course but I'm still waiting to see a response where it is.