Is this a legal matter? sorry it's long

[JAFO123]

What is the name of your state? Virginia

My wife works for COMPANY. During the time frame I have indicated, my wife experienced an emotional and physical event with John Doe, which prompted her to believe she wanted to pursue a marital separation and eventual divorce. Originally, I took the news very hard. I tried to determine the problems in my marriage to work towards a resolution, whether that be divorce or reconciliation. This all happened so fast. My wife and I were dealing with our newborn son’s Illness for the first three months of his life. I set my business aside for three months to focus on the family. Within the next two months the ordeal with John Doe occurred. My wife explained that during those two months she felt I could do nothing right. She expressed her feelings of distain towards me, and said our daughter’s behavior was, at times, more than she could bear. She confided that she felt she wanted to escape from her life and that made her feel like a bad mother and wife.

Now, I would like to explain why you are getting this letter. When my wife and I started talking about this, she expressed how John Doe was a very dear friend. She explained how he cared so much about our family (my welfare included). At that time she believed he cared more about our family than even she did. Of course this was very hard for me to believe, since he was trying to start a relationship with her. Following that dialog, I never understood how a very intelligent woman with a degree in psychology could be convinced that someone else cared more about our family than the parents themselves. He was able to convince her of this in a matter of a couple of weeks. The more my wife told me about the things he said, such as, “your family should always come first,” “your family is the most important thing,” the more I asked myself how could she believe he cared about us, if he wanted a relationship with her only.

From previous conversations with my wife, I remembered the name John Doe. A short time ago, Mr. Doe made inappropriate comments to my wife, and sent her e-mails (jokes) that were unsolicited and my wife believed were morally inappropriate. At that time, my wife told me about the e-mails and comments because of there content, she explained that he was a much older man and had kids our age. She felt like he was a father figure and harmless. The things Mr. Doe knew about my wife were common knowledge. Mr. Doe knew about my wife’s struggles with her pregnancies, that issue alone made Mr. Doe’s motives confusing and unclear. He knew that we have a three- year-old daughter. He knew that my wife had three miscarriages, and that our newborn son was like a gift from God, thus the name, Matthew. He knew that my wife was having a tough time after our son’s birth. He knew that in July my wife was diagnosed with depression. (She went to therapy because she couldn’t understand why she was treating her husband and daughter so badly.) Although she was prescribed antidepressants, nothing improved. But all this set aside, what decent logical person could not see that there is something special in a relationship when a woman who has had multiple miscarriages continues to try to conceive. Plus, Mr. Doe knew my wife and knew how much her family meant to her.
I called Mr. Doe in October/November. I explained that I would not get anyone else involved but I was very upset about his behavior. The one thing that surprised me the most, aside from the reason Mr. Doe pursued my wife, (he said he was lonely), was that I had to ask him to apologize for his actions. He expressed he knew what I was going through, when I hung up the phone I found myself feeling sorry for him. He had explained that his wife had an affair, they eventually divorced because of it. I asked Mr. Doe what it was like not to be able to see his children every day, and he expressed how hard it was for him. I later learned that his divorced happened much later then he had made me believe, in fact when he divorced one of his children had already married, the other child was 16 one month away from being 17 years of age. I now know he told me these things to get the reaction from me that he received, I felt sorry for him. He empathized with me, he told me of his own experiences with this same issue, and how hard it was for him. Mr. Doe is very aware of his skills and how to use them.

My wife and I made the decision to try to reconcile our relationship. Over the next month or so, my wife was still convinced Mr. Doe had done nothing wrong. She believed that he truly cared about her family. She even explained that Mr. Doe’s father was a man of the church, which further implied that she still believed Mr. Doe did nothing wrong. She continued to find fault with me and our daughter. Much like before. During one of our marriage counseling sessions the topic of Postpartum Depression (PPD) arose. Our counselor was not extremely knowledgeable about PPD, but said it could explain a lot. I did some research on PPD and felt this could be what was affecting my wife. After attending a PPD support group, we sought a therapist that specialized in PPD. After a meeting with this professional, my wife was prescribed a different antidepressant. Within a week to 10 days my wife was herself again. We were told it was hormonal and within a year or year and a half she could discontinue the medication.

Now that my wife is herself again, she has expressed how betrayed she feels. She doesn’t understand how she could have ever believed Mr. Doe cared about her family at all, she has asked why would he do such a thing. She has expressed how he empathized with every crisis she had, stating he had similar experiences in his own life. That revelation created a facade as he attempted to develop a symbiotic relationship to make her believe he knew exactly what she was experiencing. She now believes, not only was Mr. Doe not her friend, but the mere thought of what he did, makes her feel violated.

It’s now July 2007. My wife and I have always had a very strong marriage and friendship. The events that took place were and are still very hard to deal with. We thank God every day for giving us the strength to make it through this. Even now, we are still experiencing problems trying to comprehend how any person could convince my wife he cared about our family more than she did. I decided to learn more about Mr. Doe by hiring a private investigator. I discovered he possesses an MS in Biomedical Engineering and expertise in Psychological Operations and Deception. I believe Mr. Doe targeted my wife and that he knew exactly what he was doing. It’s not nauseating enough that Mr. Doe made comments in the past that were unsolicited and morally inappropriate, but his behavior was deceitful and self-serving. Let’s take this a step farther. My wife works in Tysons. Mr. Doe works in Dulles 30 minutes away. I drove my wife to and from work daily. Mr. Doe actions had already crossed the line, he went way beyond the line when he drove to Tysons from Dulles during working hours to pursue my wife. He knew she was diagnosed with depression (he expressed how everyone goes through that). Knowing that he holds a masters degree in biomedical engineering and had specific training in psychological operations, he certainly knows how to manipulate the human mind, especially when that mind was terribly tormented by guilt resulting from hormonal imbalances. To say that Mr. Doe has knowledge of depression would be an understatement. Additionally, he knew that my wife was married and had a 3-year-old daughter and 6-month old son at home.

Mr. Doe is an educated man who occupies a position of authority. My wife spoke to Mr. Doe about relocating to Charlottesville. She expressed her remorse relative to the death of Mr. Doe’s father. My wife hoped to continue working for Company, eventually retiring from the company. She now has no desire to be a part of the company. She walks around the building dreading the mere thought of seeing Mr. Doe, even knowing the possibility of seeing Mr Doe is remote the possibility still exists. Although she attempted to get help from others at Company, no one assisted her. The lack of support by people she confided made her feel like she was very much alone.

We are going to start a PPD support group to try to help others that may not know they are suffering from this little-known illness. In support of this effort, if this letter will prevent one other woman from experiencing such pain inflicted by Mr. Doe then it’s served its purpose. My wife believes she was victimized by someone skillful enough to manipulate a person’s mind. Had this been a situation where a therapist did this to a patient, the therapist would be in jail right now, or at the very least, charged with a crime, as much as we feel this was a criminal act, we have not pursued that avenue.

My wife realized she was not herself in July, she sought professional help and was getting treatment. Mr. Doe undermined that treatment by love bombing my wife. Mr. Doe lead my wife to believe she was ok when in fact she was not, as a result (aside from the damage this has done to our marriage) my wife suffered with an illness much longer then she needed to. We are still trying to determine what damage PPD had on our son, the more information we receive, the more we feel he will have issues later on in life. Mr. Doe’s unsolicited involvement with my wife has had a very damaging effect on more then just a married couple, he has effected my entire family.

My wife has a strong belief that people are basically honest, decent and forthcoming. Therefore, the ease in which Mr. Doe was able to gain her trust and confidence does not surprise me. Mr. Doe is a predator with a lot of experience and I worry about his next victim.What is the name of your state?

[cbg]

WAY too long and has nothing to do with employment law.

[mitousmom]

Were your wife and Mr. Doe employed by the same COMPANY? Were they engaged in this relationship while both were employed by the same company? Nonetheless, it seems that the relationship was consensual, nothwithstanding your belief that your wife was emotionally fragile.

You need to let go of any need to protect the person with which Mr. Doe next may develop a relationship. I suspect that may simply be your way to justify trying to retaliate against Mr. Doe for his relationship with your wife. You should use your energies for your relationship with your wife and her struggle with depression. The last thing she needs is for you to extend the ordeal by confronting Mr. Doe. She's going to have to accept her responsibility for the relationship with him and your attempt to blame him for all of it and seek revenge, is not helpful or productive.

[JAFO123]

I was undecided about sending this letter. For what it's worth this all happened a year ago. At the time I thought this was just a very unfortunate event, still unfortunate only now I feel there was more to it. The part that she never understood is how he was able to convince her 1) that she wasn't depressed, after she herself sought help for her moods 2) that he cared more about her family then she did.

[moburkes]

Originally Posted by JAFO123

I was undecided about sending this letter. For what it's worth this all happened a year ago. At the time I thought this was just a very unfortunate event, still unfortunate only now I feel there was more to it. The part that she never understood is how he was able to convince her 1) that she wasn't depressed, after she herself sought help for her moods 2) that he cared more about her family then she did.

She doesn't "need" to understand it. Instead of blaming it all on John Doe, your wife needs to take responsibility for HER actions. Many women experience miscarriages and loss and postpartum depression. It doesn't excuse an extra-marital affair.

Sorry.

[seniorjudge]

...Therefore, the ease in which Mr. Doe was able to gain her trust and confidence does not surprise me....

Oh, brother.

Wake up and smell the petunias, pal.

This isn't rocket surgery!

[mitousmom]

Originally Posted by JAFO123

I was undecided about sending this letter. For what it's worth this all happened a year ago. At the time I thought this was just a very unfortunate event, still unfortunate only now I feel there was more to it. The part that she never understood is how he was able to convince her 1) that she wasn't depressed, after she herself sought help for her moods 2) that he cared more about her family then she did.

Confronting him, is not going to help your wife to understand and accept her actions and any vulnerabilities that contributed to her decision to have the relationship, if in fact, she hasn't. For whatever reason, you wife entered into the relationship, continued it, and in the process, choose him over you and your kids. I think it is you who needs to understand, accept, and forgive your wife's behavior. Mr. Doe isn't the problem. It's just easier to blame him for all of this instead of accepting your wife's role in the relationship. I suspect that deep down you also question your failure to realize your wife's condition and her needs. You can't understand why she turned to Mr. Doe instead of seeking help from you or how you allowed it to happen.

I don't think your work with the marriage counselor. or some therapist, is complete.

[JAFO123]

Thanks to everyone that responded to my question. I came here for legal advice and I received therapy. By the responses I received I realized that the letter I had intended to send makes me sound like a bleeding heart and in denial that my wife did anything wrong, my intention was to make someone aware of what the man involved was capable of. If everyone here had the knowledge that the man involved had as many as 6 similar cases, I wonder if the advice would have been different. I also wonder if this had been a case of my wife gifting a large sum of money instead of an affair, would I have gotten a different response. If both parties involved in a contract have knowledge of a person having a mental illness would the contract be void upon proving this, why does a person's virtue have so little value in the same instance. I gather the people that responded have little to no knowledge about PPD, or Psych-Ops. I had to learn about both, I had to contact some retired military people to learn what a person with Psych-Ops training was capable of. If I have insulted anyone that was not my intention, and I apologize ahead of time

[moburkes]

Half the people you come into contact with on a daily basis have some type of mental illness.

[enjay]

I had pretty massive PPD. The last thing I was in the mood for was an affair with anyone. I would have preferred to be completely alone, in my bed, watching TV.

[JAFO123]

I have been in contact with several people that have been effected by PPD. The severity of the PPD has been different. One woman left her husband and children several times, left no contact information would just leave. Another woman was a public speaker, while suffering with PPD she was unable to even go out in public mush less speak in front of a crowd. And there are several cases of woman harming themselves and or others while suffering from PPD, none of which were as severe as PPD psychosis. If you are interested take a look at the following link

[url]https://home.comcast.net/~ddklinker/mysite2/Stories_Page.htm[/url]

[moburkes]

And, the answer to your original question, is this is legal matter, is still no.

[mitousmom]

Originally Posted by JAFO123

If everyone here had the knowledge that the man involved had as many as 6 similar cases, I wonder if the advice would have been different. I also wonder if this had been a case of my wife gifting a large sum of money instead of an affair, would I have gotten a different response.

Yes, my response would have been the same. Your wife was in a consensual relationship with her co-worker. The EEO laws don't prevent individuals from entering into such relationships, even if you think their judgment is impaired. The man involved may be a master manipulator, but it doesn't appear that he has committed a crime or violated the EEO laws. If you haven't noticed, the world is full of predators. Most of their behavior is legal.

I don't know how you can have your wife declared mentally incompetent during the period of her affair or what you can gain by doing so. It may make you feel better, but I don't see any cause of action against Mr. Doe.

[pattytx]

This has been quite the soap opera thread. Mods, can we close this now?