Grandmother granted temporary custody for 4 months

[tclark_213]

What is the name of your state? VA
I am really confused. My 15 year old daughter was causing alot of problems in my household, because she didn't like the rules we gave her. I did everything I could to try to remedy this problem, but just wasn't able to stop her violence to me whenever I told her to do something. I asked for family counseling and did start receiving services for all of us. One day my daughter became very violent when told to wash dishes. I contacted counselor and was told to press charges so she could learn that there was consequences to her actions. I took their advise and pressed charges. I was told that they would place her in detention for 3 to 5 days, but this was not the case. The judge was about to order her placed in detention for a month. I had to get an attorney to represent her and behind my back he called her grandmother and asked if she could keep her for a month until her court date. That day my daughter was taken from me and I was ordered to have no contact at all. Then my mother talked to lawyer and when the court day came around she was granted another 3 months custody without any contact form me.. I have never been away from my daughter for longer than a couple of days and this is killing me. My daughter is happy with her grandmother, because she doesn't have to follow any rules and gets anything she wants. I can't understand how they can take her away when i haven't been proved unfit. What should I do. I really miss my daughter and want her back.

[msiron]

Then leave her there and leave her alone. After this court issue send her letters, and talk on the phone. Let her make the 1st move. Don't force anything on her or you will regret.

Why are you always commanding her to do something? Did you ever think it might be in your delivery or constant demands. Do you have a son that you treat differently, you may not think so but on the outside as they!

So you pressed charges and now she will have a criminal record for life, what charges? I'd like you too after having me arrested. She is better off with grand mama.

And furthermore I don't believe for second that there are NO rules at grand mama's house nor do I believe she gets EVERYTHING she wants. They get along well, are you jealous?

I do believe I can read between the lines of your post and you have some issues with yourself to take of.

[tclark_213]

After reading over my post the third time, I realised I needed to add a few statements. My daughter and I do get along fine most of the time. It's just when I have to enforce rules. Her grandmother is always interfering and causing problems. I foolishly took the advice of her counselor and pressed charges and now I am paying very dearly.

[tclark_213]

OK maybe I didn't explain myself well enough. It's not like I am this strict person. I do everything for my daughter. I wash her clothes, clean her room, and she never wants to do anything. I only ask her to help. I offer her rewards and nothing helped. The only reason I pressed charges is that her counselor said it was the only option. The reason I pressed charges this time is that the offense was very violent. I was told that if something wasn't done she would end up in "real" prison someday. I love my daughter and would do anything for her.

[tclark_213]

I am certainly not jealous, my daughter and I normally have a great relationship. Until this happened she hadn't been to her grandmother's in 6 months and she lives 5 miles away. She only wants to go there when she doesn't get her way. It's called teen defiance, according to her counselor. Her problems are related to several other issues in her life right now. She was not arrested, I would never do that. One other thing is that you really don't know her grandmother as i do. I lived with her for 14 years. There really are no rules. Trust me on that.

[CourtClerk]

15 year old girls are manipulative little beings and I'm sure she's at grandma's house right now wearing her halo exclaiming that she is just horribly misunderstood. That, I believe with no doubt, but with that being said what I want to know is this:

What went on with her at ages 2, 3 5, 8, 10, etc. to have her think that she can come home and lift her hand to you to get violent with you? See, this behavior doesn't start overnight and if you're ready to fix yourself to say that it did then (1) that is the problem or (2) she's on drugs. My sons would rather have a dinner date with satan and spend the night in hell than to lift their hand to me or openly disrespect me. Why? Because I started with them REAL young with them knowing that behavior is NOT acceptable.

Now Msiron said:

Why are you always commanding her to do something? Did you ever think it might be in your delivery or constant demands.

She's commanding her to do things because there are things that need to be done. She's a CHILD. She doesn't have to like it, she just has to do it... sans attitude. I'd hate to see what you think of what goes on in my house.

OP, you posted:

After reading over my post the third time, I realised I needed to add a few statements. My daughter and I do get along fine most of the time. It's just when I have to enforce rules. Her grandmother is always interfering and causing problems. I foolishly took the advice of her counselor and pressed charges and now I am paying very dearly.

First of all, if you enforced the rules all the time, you probably wouldn't be in this situation. If you're inconsistent, this is where you have the problems. You did not foolishly follow the advice of your counselor, you did the RIGHT thing by pressing charges.

OK maybe I didn't explain myself well enough. It's not like I am this strict person. I do everything for my daughter. I wash her clothes, clean her room, and she never wants to do anything. I only ask her to help. I offer her rewards and nothing helped. The only reason I pressed charges is that her counselor said it was the only option. The reason I pressed charges this time is that the offense was very violent. I was told that if something wasn't done she would end up in "real" prison someday. I love my daughter and would do anything for her

Why at 15 are you doing all this stuff for her? My 11 year old washes his own clothes, cleans the kitchen EVERYDAY, empties all the trash cans/waste baskets and cleans his own room. I don't do any of that mess. None of it, and if it doesn't get done, he gets no privleges. It should be automatic. He wakes up on Saturday morning, starts his chores, I take him to football, he comes home, rests for a little while, then gets back to his chores and whatever homework he has. AT 11. You know why? Because he's always had chores. Even at 3 he had chores, albeit back then it was help pick up your toys or put your toys away, I've ALWAYS taught him responsibility. Your daughter IS going to end up in prison one day. She's an overindulged brat and I see it everyday at work. It absolutely is defiance and you need to nip it in the bud... YESTERDAY, but now that she's inside of the court system, let them be your friend.

Curt said:

You did the right thing. Your daughter needs to learn that there is absolutely NO excuse for violence against another family member... despite what anyone else here have to say. She needs to learn there are real-world consequences for actions like that.

I think it's absolutely despicable that someone here would try to blame you for getting beat up by your daughter. You may or may not have handled the situation perfectly, but that does not excuse physically attacking someone.

You wouldn't put up with it from your husband, why would you put up with it from your child

He's absolutely right, but pay particular attention to the bolded. Think about it and then change the way YOU deal with your daughter. I often say there are more problem parents than there are problem children. You fix the parents, you fix the children.

[tclark_213]

First of all, my daughter was raised to respect anyone who's older than her. Of course, she did see violence when she was younger, her father was very abusive to me and her. I did get out of that relationship "eventually". I do realise that this did affect her. I guess it just took a few years for it to come out violently. This is the reason "we" were getting counseling. Everything she is going thru is my fault. I really do realise this and am not making excuses. I just feel that taking my daughter away from me for four months without me even getting to say anything was really extreme. How am I supposed to fix the problem when I can't even see her? I have talked to her counselor and he can not believe this happened. He knows that I am not unfit to be her mother, I just need to be more assertive with her. This is very hard for me after being abused myself for so long.

[CourtClerk]

Originally Posted by tclark_213

First of all, my daughter was raised to respect anyone who's older than her. Of course, she did see violence when she was younger, her father was very abusive to me and her. I did get out of that relationship "eventually". I do realise that this did affect her. I guess it just took a few years for it to come out violently. This is the reason "we" were getting counseling. Everything she is going thru is my fault. I really do realise this and am not making excuses. I just feel that taking my daughter away from me for four months without me even getting to say anything was really extreme. How am I supposed to fix the problem when I can't even see her? I have talked to her counselor and he can not believe this happened. He knows that I am not unfit to be her mother, I just need to be more assertive with her. This is very hard for me after being abused myself for so long.

Use the 4 months to work on you, then you can work on her. You can't deal with her properly if you are a mess and dealing with your own issues. Maybe you 2 need a break from each other.