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  1. #1
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    I want to emancipate my 17 yr old. NY

    What is the name of your state? New York

    My 17 yr old left home in January to live with her 21 yr old boyfriend. She came home for a few weeks but went to stay with him while on Spring break. She came and went as she pleased even if it was at 3:00am. (Not to our wishes) Last night after having a fight with her "boy"friend because she wouldn't make him something to eat, she came to my home, yelled vulgarly at my 6 yr old and then punched a window by my front door. 10 minutes later she's down the road getting in the car with him again. All we could do is stand in amazement. We were having a quiet afternoon and all of a sudden the tornado went through and blew us out of the water, only to leave and tell us we're the bad guys. We called a trooper to make a report. He said we could have her arrested but it would be more trouble in the long run. There is nothing I can do to stop this craziness.
    I am currently going through the court to have her father pay support since he decided he doesn't have to pay since she's not at home. That's a whole other battle that's going to cost me a lot.
    What other recourse do I have? Even though I never thought I would give my children up, if I intend on having any kind of a sane life I have to. She's just about flunked out of her Sr. year because she kept skipping to watch what the boyfriend does.
    Her father won't take her, he wants no part of any of it. He lives about 4 hours away and can't take the time for his children.
    I know emancipation is out and unless I can get them to get married I'm stuck with her irresponsibilty. (She's already wrecked his car by hitting someone and blew off her court appearance) I have to keep a place for her to stay and have to put up with her rules thanks to NY laws. Any suggestions????

    PS I know all she is doing is stupid and irresponsible but she won't believe that. We do not abuse her, she got anything she wanted within reason. This time she wanted a 21 yr old, we said no and we're getting the crap for it.
  2. #2
    BelizeBreeze is offline Senior Member
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    Let her go back to the boyfriend's then call the police and have her arrested for being a runaway.

    She can spend the next few months in jail.
  3. #3
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze
    Let her go back to the boyfriend's then call the police and have her arrested for being a runaway.

    She can spend the next few months in jail.
    They're the ones who told her she could leave. When I told her no on something she ran to them and they called me to tell me I had to do as she wanted because she was under 21. (I didn't do it though)
  4. #4
    BelizeBreeze is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by faith196237
    They're the ones who told her she could leave. When I told her no on something she ran to them and they called me to tell me I had to do as she wanted because she was under 21. (I didn't do it though)
    And I do NOT believe that.
  5. #5
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze
    And I do NOT believe that.
    I'm sorry you don't but it's true. Unknown to me they were planning on getting an apartment so went to the town cops and asked if they would get in trouble for leaving. The cops told them since she was 17 she was free to go.

    If that isn't true, why didn't the Sheriff who called to tell me I'm responsible for her an the trooper we talked to last night didn't tell me I could say she was a runaway? They just shrug they're shoulders and say sorry, there's nothing that can be done.

    The trooper did say to go talk to probation and ask them if I have any options. Trust me, if I could have I would have had her classified as a runaway the first day she left.
  6. #6
    BelizeBreeze is offline Senior Member
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    Then change the locks and tell her the next time she wants to run home to mommy she can go to the police station. THEY can have her.

    By the way, have you called daddy? He is just as legally responsible as you are should she get in trouble. And she will.
  7. #7
    Wolflmg is offline Member
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    Sounds like your kid could use a big wake up call. Which she will probably end up learning, the hard way.

    Have you tried putting her into consouling finding out what her problem is, perhaps her problem could be that her father wants nothing to do with her. So she's being rebelious and using the boyfriend to fill that void, but from the sound of it, her boyfriend doesn't seem like a good guy.

    In most cases there is always a reason why a teenager acts out. Just becasue she was raised in a nonabusive family and got everything she needed, doesn't mean that problems wont come up.

    When did this all start, her problems? Did you notice a change in her behavior after you and your x split, after he decided he wanted nothing to do with her.

    How long before she turns 18?
  8. #8
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolflmg
    Sounds like your kid could use a big wake up call. Which she will probably end up learning, the hard way.

    Have you tried putting her into consouling finding out what her problem is, perhaps her problem could be that her father wants nothing to do with her. So she's being rebelious and using the boyfriend to fill that void, but from the sound of it, her boyfriend doesn't seem like a good guy.

    In most cases there is always a reason why a teenager acts out. Just becasue she was raised in a nonabusive family and got everything she needed, doesn't mean that problems wont come up.

    When did this all start, her problems? Did you notice a change in her behavior after you and your x split, after he decided he wanted nothing to do with her.

    How long before she turns 18?
    Oh she definitley needs a wake up call, but I'm afraid she'll have ruined her education by then.
    I think her problems maybe started within the last year. She was always my carefree go lucky girl. She does think she deserves a wealthy lifestyle, not that he's giving it to her.

    I know she feels resentment toward her father, especially when he called to announce his girlfriend is pregnant. Great ego booster for my kids. Fortunately she's had a great step father, but apparently that wasn't enough.
    I've had her to the dr. for depression, she took the meds for a very short time.
    I regret now not getting us all into counseling, but when i took my older daughter once they said everything was fine we didn't need to go back again. Now I don't know where to turn.

    She'll be 18 in November.
  9. #9
    Wolflmg is offline Member
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    Hard call, but I would try getting the whole family into consouling, and it probably might be a good idea to include her father into the consouling. He needs to be aware that some of her problems is with him and how she feels abandonment towards him. You shouldn't have to go through this alone, even if his girlfriend is having his baby.

    Was she the only kid you had with him? Or are there others, if so how is their behavior or relationship towards their father changed, have you noticed anything that could lead to more dramatic behaviors falling towards the path your daughter is now?

    If the consouler you had went to before said, she didn't need help. Try another one, don't give up. Maybe even try a church group.

    As for her turning 18 in Nov. in most states that is considered an adult, but that could differ upon the state.

    Is there anyone you now of who your x will listen to, telling him that part of his daugthers problems has to do with him? Perhaps your daughter isn't the only one that needs the wake up call.

    Good luck to you and your family.
  10. #10
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you for the encouragment. Calling a counselor is on my list of calls tomorrow. I've had the phone number for a couple of weeks, now is the time to use it. It helped having a different insite on it. I was wondering what I can do legally, maybe it's emotionally we need the answers for.
    As far as her dad, he lives about 5 hours away and he's one of those people who do nothing wrong. It all comes back to me being the bad guy. I think someday he'll have to pay his dues and it'll be too late as far as his kids go. We have 3 together boy 21 girl 20 and 17 yr old. I went through a lot of this with my 20 year old but not to the mean vicious ways of her sister.
    Thanks again for your support and I'll make that call.
  11. #11
    Wolflmg is offline Member
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    Your welcome good luck.
  12. #12
    ablessin is offline Member
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    arrested

    Let me tell you something - I am now almost 30, however, when I was 16 I did the same thing - - my boyfriend and friends were a lot more important than what my parents had to say. So I moved out. That was that.
    You can not have her arrested for running away. I live in New York also, so I know.
    I never got arrested for leaving - before I moved out I did run away.... it was a "trial" move out, I guess************** so to speak.

    To get her emancipated, is not all that hard - -- and you DO want to do that, because otherwise YOU are $$$ liable for any trouble she might get into - - ANY trouble I might add.

    If she does not care to hear about counseling, which is a good idea, you certainly can't force her to go - -and why would you? It would be a waste of time and money to force someone to go and be miserable the whole time.

    I have since renewed my relationship with my parents and it's like it never happened sometimes! It is hard. But she is 17 and you know, hard as it is, you just have to let go, and pray she is smart enough to go to school and not get pregnant right now. I am now a parent and I hope that things when my son is 15 (we have some time!) I don't go through with him what I went through as a teen.
    Honestly, I turned out ok, I have a good job, a good child, a good home. I truly hope things with/for your daughter turn out the same! I really do.

    Also, my family DID change the locks on the door, so that is an option for you************** lock the windows too, and any basement windows or doors. Tough love sometimes is the way to go, no matter how painful it might be for you.

    Once emancipated, she will have to enroll herself into school and etc. But it's not hard to do, I am sure times have changed in the past 14 years, but I think it was just a signed and notarized form - google it......
    type in emancipation in new york state************** although if she will be 18 soon, you might just ride it out
  13. #13
    InnaPickle is offline Junior Member
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    Exclamation Wrong

    Quote Originally Posted by ablessin
    Let me tell you something - I am now almost 30, however, when I was 16 I did the same thing - - my boyfriend and friends were a lot more important than what my parents had to say. So I moved out. That was that.
    You can not have her arrested for running away. I live in New York also, so I know.
    I never got arrested for leaving - before I moved out I did run away.... it was a "trial" move out, I guess************** so to speak.

    To get her emancipated, is not all that hard - -- and you DO want to do that, because otherwise YOU are $$$ liable for any trouble she might get into - - ANY trouble I might add.

    If she does not care to hear about counseling, which is a good idea, you certainly can't force her to go - -and why would you? It would be a waste of time and money to force someone to go and be miserable the whole time.

    I have since renewed my relationship with my parents and it's like it never happened sometimes! It is hard. But she is 17 and you know, hard as it is, you just have to let go, and pray she is smart enough to go to school and not get pregnant right now. I am now a parent and I hope that things when my son is 15 (we have some time!) I don't go through with him what I went through as a teen.
    Honestly, I turned out ok, I have a good job, a good child, a good home. I truly hope things with/for your daughter turn out the same! I really do.

    Also, my family DID change the locks on the door, so that is an option for you************** lock the windows too, and any basement windows or doors. Tough love sometimes is the way to go, no matter how painful it might be for you.

    Once emancipated, she will have to enroll herself into school and etc. But it's not hard to do, I am sure times have changed in the past 14 years, but I think it was just a signed and notarized form - google it......
    type in emancipation in new york state************** although if she will be 18 soon, you might just ride it out
    In NYS, you have no right to lock out a minor from her residence. Even if you do, she can break a window to get in an there is nothing you can do about it. DO NOT REFUSE TO LET HER BACK IN. You can get into alot of trouble by doing this. Only if she is 18 can you legally turn her away. Believe me, I'm in the same boat and I'm just biding my time until our 17 year old turns 18. Until then....THEY have all the rights....you have none.
  14. #14
    faith196237 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by InnaPickle
    In NYS, you have no right to lock out a minor from her residence. Even if you do, she can break a window to get in an there is nothing you can do about it. DO NOT REFUSE TO LET HER BACK IN. You can get into alot of trouble by doing this. Only if she is 18 can you legally turn her away. Believe me, I'm in the same boat and I'm just biding my time until our 17 year old turns 18. Until then....THEY have all the rights....you have none.
    Thank you thank you thank you.
    People ask me all of the time why I don't just kick her out. I try to explain that I can't. If I do, I will be paying her to live somewhere else. People don't understand that. You are so right when you say they have all of the rights. In my situation my 17 yr old and her father who doesn't have to pay support have all of the rights. I'll be the one responsible when she gets in trouble.
    I've asked about emancipation and Family Court told me that there is really no such thing and to try and get rid of my responsibility takes a long time if it ever happens.
    On a side note, I have a 20 year old who lives back at home and the judge said my ex is no longer responsible for her either. She does have a full time job, but I thought we were responsible for her until she was 21?? When she applied for social services they called me and I had to have a place for her to live or pay them to pay her.
    NY really stinks on their laws regarding all of this, we are so helpless to try and take care of our children in a way that we think they'll become good citizens, but NY takes it all away when they hit 17. At lease I know I'm not the only one going through this, although I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
  15. #15
    InnaPickle is offline Junior Member
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    *sigh*, I know

    NYS does not recognize emancipation (at least that is what a court officer told me). You are legally responsible for your FEMALE child until they turn 21 as long as they are still attending school. (male it is 18 whether or not in school). If she is not in school, then you might want to dig a little deeper and ask someone about this. I don't think you are responsible for her anymore....then again, CPS has their OWN rules

    Good luck....I think we'll both need it...mine doesnt turn 18 until next April

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