Muddling family member - Arkansas

[complicatedkids]

Our 16 yr old son has had quite a few problems in school that we've been trying to solve, mainly with being bullied by the faculty members etc. This has also reflected on his behavior at home. He's had a bad attitude anytime he was asked to do something. About a month ago, it all came to a head and when we replaced is very worn out bed with a new, smaller version (full to a twin) he totally pitched a fit. The next morning he announced to us that there's a deputy outside and he wanted to move in with his grandmother. Apparently, him and his grandmother have worked it all out the night before. Long story short, he stayed at the house that morning but things blew up again that afternoon and he was told to move out if he didn't like our rules. We never told him just to get out, we didn't abandon him. In order to difuse the situation, we let him move in with her as a cooling off period and to get into a different school, since he had so many problems in the other one. Now my mother in law, his grandmother, filed a FINS petition (family in need of services) so he can get counseling and she also asked the court to grant her guardianship of him. She came up with all these ficticious things in the petition she filed. Our court date is set for 6 days from now, I've requested that he moves back here today.
Long story short, he cried wolf to someone who he knew would buy into his story, who's desperate for company and free labor, because we made him clean his room, replaced his furniture with better and a little smaller items so he would have more room to move around. He didn't like our rules and felt "unappreciated". All we've ever tried to do is parent, teach him what's important etc and now we have to contend with a muddling family member who only hears one side of the story. Is there any chance that the juvi court will grant her guardianship? We are by no means unfit parents, we're dealing with a rebellious teenager here. Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[Zigner]

You told him to leave and he did...what am I missing?

 

[complicatedkids]

I told him that if he didn't like the rules of the house, he needs to move out. Fact is, he's still a minor. Sheriff has determined that there was no abandonment with this statement as did DHS.

 

[sandyclaus]

Our 16 yr old son has had quite a few problems in school that we've been trying to solve, mainly with being bullied by the faculty members etc. This has also reflected on his behavior at home. He's had a bad attitude anytime he was asked to do something. About a month ago, it all came to a head and when we replaced is very worn out bed with a new, smaller version (full to a twin) he totally pitched a fit. The next morning he announced to us that there's a deputy outside and he wanted to move in with his grandmother. Apparently, him and his grandmother have worked it all out the night before. Long story short, he stayed at the house that morning but things blew up again that afternoon and he was told to move out if he didn't like our rules. We never told him just to get out, we didn't abandon him. In order to difuse the situation, we let him move in with her as a cooling off period and to get into a different school, since he had so many problems in the other one. Now my mother in law, his grandmother, filed a FINS petition (family in need of services) so he can get counseling and she also asked the court to grant her guardianship of him. She came up with all these ficticious things in the petition she filed. Our court date is set for 6 days from now, I've requested that he moves back here today.
Long story short, he cried wolf to someone who he knew would buy into his story, who's desperate for company and free labor, because we made him clean his room, replaced his furniture with better and a little smaller items so he would have more room to move around. He didn't like our rules and felt "unappreciated". All we've ever tried to do is parent, teach him what's important etc and now we have to contend with a muddling family member who only hears one side of the story. Is there any chance that the juvi court will grant her guardianship? We are by no means unfit parents, we're dealing with a rebellious teenager here. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Tell Grandma to butt out. Step up and take charge of your own child.

If the FINS petition is granted, then it sounds like you could definitely use the counseling, as a family, to help you deal with the issues you are having with your son. Unless there is an immediate/imminent threat of danger to your son, there is very little chance that Grandma is going to gain guardianship of him. As for these "fictitious" allegations made against you by Grandma, the burden will be on her to prove the truth of her claims. If she can't, it will look that much worse for her.

 

[complicatedkids]

Thanks. This has been weighing heavily on our hearts, minds and souls. My husband is totally floored. I've requested that he is to move back here this afternoon. The school district we live in has 1 day of school left before summer break (monday). I agree about the counseling as a family to learn to communicate better. We seem to have no problems communicating with our 9 yr old daughter, she has the concept of us being parents, respecting us (most of the time) and household rules.
I know my husband is worried about our sons attitude, mouth and abusive behavior tearing the family apart. Our son has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his younger sister and verbally abusive towards us, physically abusive towards the pets and horses if things don't go his way or he get punished for something he did (i.e. gets his phone taken away), he's also destructive when such punishment occurs. We patched knife holes in his rooms drywall as well as found empty liquor bottles hidden away.

 

[sandyclaus]

Thanks. This has been weighing heavily on our hearts, minds and souls. My husband is totally floored. I've requested that he is to move back here this afternoon. The school district we live in has 1 day of school left before summer break (monday). I agree about the counseling as a family to learn to communicate better. We seem to have no problems communicating with our 9 yr old daughter, she has the concept of us being parents, respecting us (most of the time) and household rules.
I know my husband is worried about our sons attitude, mouth and abusive behavior tearing the family apart. Our son has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his younger sister and verbally abusive towards us, physically abusive towards the pets and horses if things don't go his way or he get punished for something he did (i.e. gets his phone taken away), he's also destructive when such punishment occurs. We patched knife holes in his rooms drywall as well as found empty liquor bottles hidden away.

Stop REQUESTING. If the boy does not return home voluntarily, or Grandma doesn't bring him home, you go there and get him. Get the police involved if you need to. Grandma has no legal right to keep him there. By ASKING her, you are allowing her to have some say in the matter. It's NOT her child - it's YOUR child.

And IMHO, I think that the FINS request was a fantastic idea. That way you will be able to get the services you need to straighten this child yourselves.

 

[complicatedkids]

she didn't object when I asked her when he will be back here after I told her I wanted him back today. Just got a time from her when he will be here and I said I will have a deputy on hand, she said that wouldn't be necessary but I really don't care if it is or not, I will have one here.

 

[Ohiogal]

Did the court give her an emergency order of guardianship when she filed her complaint? That may have been done ex parte. If the court did, then don't expect your child back OR the police to help you.

 

[complicatedkids]

No, nothing was transferred and no guardianship was given, not even a power of attorney. The deputy told her that my son has to be returned whenever I say so.

 

[Eekamouse]

How exactly is your son being bullied by faculty members?

 

[complicatedkids]

Let's just say it's been proven that they have been retaliating against my son and bullied him due to the fact that several of their staff members got called on the carpet so to speak for violation of IEPs, manipulating/changing handbook rules to suit their current situation, falsifying grades and papers etc. This has been going on and we've been actively involved in trying to bring it to light but the superintendent doesn't care and the school board is a closed meeting, meaning that everything on the agenda has to be approved by the superintendent first. This is also the school that a 12 yr old female student was paddled so hard by a male faculty member, she started bleeding.

 

[stealth2]

Honestly? Sounds like this kid has learned how to manipulate a lot of people.

 

[stealth2]

I agree about the counseling as a family to learn to communicate better. We seem to have no problems communicating with our 9 yr old daughter, she has the concept of us being parents, respecting us (most of the time) and household rules.

Thing is, how one communicates with/parents a nine yo is MUCH different than how one does so with an older teen. It's really not all that unusual for teens to rebel, argue, disagree... have their own opinions and be very willing to verbalize them. How the parents handle that (and frankly, good communication doesn't start at 16 - it starts much, much earlier than that) contributes to how the teen reacts.

To use your situation where you told him he would have to move out if he didn't like your rules - he did exactly as you specified. Didn't like your rules, so he moved out. Now you get all up in arms for him having the temerity to actually do so and order him home. Talk about an inconsistent message, and a clear example of poor communication.

I agree that GMa actually did you a favor by filing a FINS. Beause your family IS in need of services. ALL of you. Because how you handle yoru situation with your son? Is going to go a long way to determining how your daughter behaves at that age.

I know my husband is worried about our sons attitude, mouth and abusive behavior tearing the family apart. Our son has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to his younger sister and verbally abusive towards us, physically abusive towards the pets and horses if things don't go his way or he get punished for something he did (i.e. gets his phone taken away), he's also destructive when such punishment occurs. We patched knife holes in his rooms drywall as well as found empty liquor bottles hidden away.

I have to wonder which came first... the teachers' "bullying" or your son's behavior. I'd be willing to bet that the teachers have been dealing with the same lousy behavior that you have been. Frankly, your son has more serious issues than strict teachers if he's drinking and using knives.

 

[complicatedkids]

oh, he's manipulative for sure. The entire family was so very quick to jump on the band wagon and make me the evil one in this, convinced that none of this was my sons fault. I guess it's always much easier to shun an non-blood relative. This is my husband's part of the family, by the way. In their opinion, Matt is the innocent victim in this.
Mistakes have been made all around and I've come to the realization that being a teenager and being a parent of one doesn't come with subtitles or a manual. Mistakes happen, wrong things are said and done but the key is to learn from the mistakes and not to repeat them. Many things have become very clear to me lately, one of those things, couldn't see the forest for the trees for a while.
As for the teachers and the school problems, you're most likely right. One thing usually leads to another, it's a chain reaction and despite efforts to defuse it, it just kept snow balling.
After last nights blow up, we were able to talk to each other and had a good conversation at the end where, I believe, we made some progress. I agree that counseling for the entire family would be very beneficial.