Skipping school and the law, help!

[InnaPickle]

First off, thanks for listening! Reside in Washington state and I have 2 issues I need help with:

1) 17year old daughter refuses to go to school and has been to court numerous times for truancy - the next time she goes (which she will, as she continues to skip) the judge told her she will be sent away for a week. This doesn't seem to phase her one bit.

2) 18year old daughter has a 11 month old baby and is living with us.....for now. She is attending high school, but has been skipping classes as well. One of our prerequisits for allowing her to stay with us is she attend school - or out the door she goes.

They both come and go as they please..sometimes spending days away from home. When confronted it becomes a screaming match which we simply cannot endure any further. Because we are spending so much time trying to deal with the older two, we are afraid the younger two are not getting the attention they deserve - and THIS ISN'T FAIR TO THEM!

The big problem: We cannot handle this anymore as we are ready to break mentally. They both constantly fight with us, disrespect us and our property (always breaking something), and are mean to thier little brother and sister. The younger of the two (17) wants to have the older (18) be her guardian, but we know this won't fly because the older doesn't have anywhere to go, a job or even a driver's license. We work out of our home and do sales calls on a regular basis. During this time, the baby is always crying in the background (VERY unprofessional), and they have the TV and thier ghetto music blaring. I have to lock myself in my bedroom closet whenever the business line rings! Even this doesnt drown out the noise.

Any suggestions on where we can go from here? Can the oldest take custody of the younger? Can they move in with friends? Where are our legal obligations to the 18year old if she stops going to school? The school says we are responsible as long as she attends.....but she isnt attending! Please help!

 

[InnaPickle]

bump , does anyone know of a possible resolution to this, or am I pretty much going to have to be at thier mercy?

 

[cmorris]

It is time to take charge!

Kick the 18 year old out. Because of living circumstances, you can call child protective services who may take the child from her. The baby may be placed with family or in foster care. You could even file for emergency guardianship. This might be a wake-up call for the 18 year old.

For the 17 year old...Take away EVERYTHING. No TV, phone, music, car, driver's license, furniture, etc. Place alarms on all of the doors and windows. For meals, make all of her least favorite (yet healthy!) foods. I think brussel sprouts, tofu, and the like would be great. Take away anything and everything that brings fun or pleasure. If she still manages to get out (run away), call the police. If she destroys property or abuses the younger children, call the police. If and when she starts acting responsible, she can EARN privileges back.

The only way I can foresee the 18 year old gaining custody of the 17 year old is through guardianship. She would have to prove you are an unfit parent and that she can take care of her. Doesn't sound like that will happen at all.

Give the younger (good) children lots of attention, praise, and rewards. Spend time with them and show them what a fun, loving, and caring parent you are. Show them by example that good behavior is the desired behavior and will be rewarded accordingly. Fix them lots of their favorite (healthy) foods and let them have "free time" (i.e. TV, video games, playground, whatever). Make the 17 year old see what she is missing by not going to school and misbehaving.

 

[InnaPickle]

cmorris, thank you SO much for your reply! We recently moved from NY to WA and back in NY, that is EXACTLY what we did. She had a mattress on the floor, and a small dresser...thats IT.The problem being that we are so tired of the screaming all the time when we do this. Now, please don't say "It's time to grow up and act the parent" because we have been dealing with this issue for over 3 years now and we are NOT the type of people who just let them do whatever they want - there is supervision out the yahoo (which is probly why they hate us so much) Previously, the 17 year old has been caught breaking into houses and cars, and shoplifting (when she was 14). I think I know the court secretary by name

To top it all off, I am now a grandpa at age 37....wow do I feel old. Big issue with the 18 year old is if we kick her out, the baby is the one who suffers. It kills me to see this happen, but we are in no position to take on this added responsibility of raising this child.

Taking away the 17 year old's stuff is going to turn this house into a living nightmare with the police called on us almost every other night from the screaming going on - we simply cannot do this anymore. I cannot count the number of times my wife has cried herself to sleep, blaming herself for what is going on "If only I did this better, or that better". I try to reassure her, but she is menatlly exhasted by all of this. If she were 18, she would have a big boot print on her a$$ and living on the streets right now. Yes, it's cruel, but these two 'kids' are tearing our family apart. Sorry for the rant, thanks for all the help!

 

[stealth2]

If she were 18, she would have a big boot print on her a$$ and living on the streets right now.

Except you've already shown that you won't do that. All she needs to do is get pregnant and she knows you won't throw her out.

 

[InnaPickle]

well...

If I kick the 18 year old out it shows that. I told the 18 year old yesterday she has until the end of April to find another place to live (in front of the 17 year old). It is still tearing me apart inside about the baby, and I don't know what to do in that regard. BTW, I had to pick the baby up from daycare today, because the 18 yo skipped school and the baby cant be in the school's daycare if she isnt there. Since I work on commission, that 30 minute trip to the school and back just cost me $50.00. We could have eaten for a day on that...

 

[cmorris]

I know this has to be hard for you. Whatever you do though, do NOT give in to any of the arguments or screaming, no matter what. If they do not get a reaction from you, they will ultimately give up.

I cannot fathom what it must be like with the 18 year old having a baby. However, if you keep giving in and rescuing her, everyone suffers. Next time, do NOT pick the baby up. The daycare will not toss the baby outside, but they may well decide they will not allow her to bring the baby back. She is not going to school anyway.

Now, the baby cannot be homeless. Even foster care, in my opinion, would be better than being homeless. If you or any other family members are not in a position to take the child in, it would be better. At least the child would have stability and proper care. I used to have a friend who was in foster care. She loved her foster parents more than her biological parents. When she turned 18 (still in school), the foster parents still kept her, without getting paid by the state. There ARE good foster parents. Even adopting the baby out (since the 18 year old won't take care of him/her) may be an option. Of course, she would have to do it. But she is not responsible enough to raise a child. She is showing that by not going to school, working, leaving for days at a time, etc.

Hopefully, this will all work out in the end. Somehow these kids have to get a reality check. Follow through kicking out the older child. See if you can take her to the crappiest place in town and tell her the child will end up there if she doesn't straighten up. The local jail may also give them [the 17 and 18 year olds] a nice tour... Do not rescue her anymore. Either call child protective services or take the baby in. Counseling is also a good thing that the entire family could benefit from.

 

[InnaPickle]

Thank you so much for all the insight. Hopefully our family can get through this in one piece.