Ex-friend (and sister's ex-boyfriend)

[MTD]

What is the name of your state? Massachusetts

I was a friend and classmate with this guy since junior high and high school. He later dated my sister for one summer, 11 years ago, and broke up on bad terms. She moved on with her life. He never got over her to this day.

Though I rarely see him in person the last several years, whenever I do bump into him, he still has some pretty nasty words about her. He's one with a devil-may-care attitude, and would openly speak his mind. I've been to a few parties in the past with him in attendance where he did badmouth her in front of my friends - and in my face - telling everybody about the details on the night of their breakup. (If you ask her side of the story on that night, she says he was on the verge of date-raping her. I believe her in this regard not because she's related to me... but I did hear that he tried the same thing to another girl prior.) Basically, he would say negative things about her to anyone that will listen to him.

Among the other rants he says like a broken record: she has sex with every guy in the club, she's the one preventing us from being perfect brothers-in-law, our perfect life together is ruined, and she screwed HIM and it was her fault and her prostitute-esque lifestyle proves it. This is just a few.

Though I cannot read his mind, but in some way, he blames ME for their relationship breakup (which explains why he prefers my presence with others when he badmouths her), even though I had absolutely NOTHING to do with their relationship. Honestly I never knew they were both going out together until long AFTER they broke up. He pretty much feels I'm guilty by means of association. As I stated at the start, he WAS a friend of mine.

For the record, my sister is no angel. Even she admits to that. She was a "party girl" during most of her 20s, but has in the last few years settled down with the right guy. She says everything that happened in the past is the past, and she doesn't look back on them. She will have her wedding this May, and I am happy for her. Sadly, the guy knows the date and locale of the wedding and reception - and my sister and her fiance has taken the proper security measures to make sure he's stopped at the door. You know he's not coming to this as a wedding crasher for free food and drinks. To make it clear, he has never directly threatened her (nor has he been one of those crazy "stalking ex's" where you must live in fear every day). He's basically a guy who's emotionally attached to certain people too long. Her run-ins with him after their breakup have been equally rare as my encounters with him. But when asked about him, she says she is aware of the things he says about her, but she basically pities him.

Whats worse in my mind is that, because both he and I are in the same graduating class, I expect the guy to do an encore and badmouth my sister at our next high school reunion (20th anniversary), which is only two years away. I know this is so far ahead... but if he ever does that, can my sister sue him for slander if I tell her what happened on this particular night? I should point out at our last high school reunion eight years ago, he did badmouth her in front of over 300 people with the things I mentioned. And no question in my mind he's not afraid to repeat them again.

I would like to hear responses on what can possibly be done. This cannot go on for a lifetime!

[David Jonathan]

videotape the event of him badmouthing her, give her the tape, and have her contat an attorney after the fact. There's nothing you can do now.

Check your local laws for harassment, stalking, and other crimes against a person, he may fall in there somewhere (I did cite a law just below there, it's a start)

If he does show up to the wedding, call the police, and this will start the process for an order of restraint, in that order, you MAY be able to get the judge to order him stop slandering her in public, etc. etc.

so this guy is what, about 36 years old, and he's still hung up on a highschool relationship? That's sad. Perhaps he needs some professional help.

--Dave. (Remember, I'm NOT an attorney, this is NOT legal advice, but hopefully this will arm you with a little bit of knowledge for when you DO seek legal council.)

P.S. .... here's a law that MAY work in your favor ...

Chapter 265: Section 43A. Criminal harassment; punishment

Section 43A. (a) Whoever willfully and maliciously engages in a knowing pattern of conduct or series of acts over a period of time directed at a specific person, which seriously alarms that person and would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, shall be guilty of the crime of criminal harassment and shall be punished by imprisonment in a house of correction for not more than two and one-half years or by a fine of not more than $1,000, or by both such fine and imprisonment. Such conduct or acts described in this paragraph shall include, but not be limited to, conduct or acts conducted by mail or by use of a telephonic or telecommunication device including, but not limited to, electronic mail, internet communications or facsimile communications.

(b) Whoever, after having been convicted of the crime of criminal harassment, commits a second or subsequent such crime, or whoever commits the crime of criminal harassment having previously been convicted of a violation of section 43, shall be punished by imprisonment in a house of correction for not more than two and one-half years or by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than ten years

[MTD]

Originally Posted by David Jonathan

So this guy is what, about 36 years old, and he's still hung up on a highschool relationship? That's sad. Perhaps he needs some professional help.

You are correct: This guy is 35 years old, going on 36... He went out with my sister at the time (he was 25, she was 21) when she was in her junior year in college. He got his college degree three years earlier. Professional help is an understatement! From what I know about him, he may well have deep (untreated) psychological problems... back in junior high school, his own younger sister attempted suicide twice, so thats a sign there is something direly wrong with his family. Given this, and had I known both he and my sister were going out, I would not have approved of the relationship. My parents didn't approve of him either, and his loose lips - and disrespecting both my father and mother - eventually made him unwelcome in our household.

[cbg]

Don't do any taping without his knowledge: MA is a two-party state. Everyone involved has to know about and agree to the taping.

[BelizeBreeze]

Nothing in your post rises to the level of libel/slander. Move on.

[moburkes]

Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze

Nothing in your post rises to the level of libel/slander. Move on.

Yep. That's what I was going to say!

[MTD]

Originally Posted by cbg

Don't do any taping without his knowledge: MA is a two-party state. Everyone involved has to know about and agree to the taping.

I expect our high school reunion to be taped. It certainly was taped eight years ago. Though IMO its unlikely two years from now that he'll grab the microphone and say in front of a camera and 300 of our alumni that my sister should have been his bride and/or that she still parties and sleeps around. If he's crazy enough to do that, so be it. I won't stop him. Scary part is, given his psyche and arrested development, I think he would!

Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze

Nothing in your post rises to the level of libel/slander. Move on.

Tell those last two words to my ex-friend! Believe me, I tried and his response was in these exact words: "I can't do that."

Seriously though you must tell me - why isn't what he's doing not libel/slander? It certainly was enough for me to terminate my friendship with him.

Keep in mind, I have no interest in suing this guy despite how much embarrassment he tries to put on me - though I think my sister should if she decides to. After all, its her reputation and those he rants to never heard her side of the story, let alone defend herself. She did say to me long time ago that he doesn't have the right to keep talking whatever he wants about her in public and to give the impression she's to blame for his 11+ year grief. Its kind of sick the way he seems to "enjoy" the badmouthing in front of me and my friends, sort of obsessive-like. I would hope that the threat of him being sued would be an incentive for him to finally stop.

[David Jonathan]

right now, it's simple harassment ...

for it to be slander/lible/defmation you'd have to prove damages ... IE: she can't get a job because of the things he says, she's been turned down for loans, fired because of him, needs to see a therapist because of him, etc.

I don't know if you'd have a case for harassment, but there is at least one officer who posts on the board, perhaps he can shed some light onto this one from that perspective.

--Dave.