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Mother spreading damaging libel; what is my recourse?

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vegannomnom

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

Mother's state of residence: West Virginia

My mother's been abusive all my life, but I have always tried to stay away from her & ignore her since becoming of age. Into my adulthood she has continued to harass me via voice and text message, but again, I try to ignore. This has come to a head within the last 1 1/2 years, primarily the last 6 months. We quit speaking in December 2015 due to her refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing on her part in a December 2014 visit to my home, which was simply rude behavior but nothing blatantly illegal. Earlier in 2015 she performed some harassing behaviors, such as sending a letter to my child's school teacher, apparently stating concern over home life, and sent me "fact sheets" highlighted in certain areas to insinuate my husband is a child molester, which she had mentioned during the 2014 visit (she is always trying to create drama in my life - misery loves company).

However, within the last two weeks (May 2016) I tried to give her another chance and speak to her, and she then thought I was ignoring her again (simply had not responded to texts for approximately 4 days - texts I thought needed no response), so she sent text messages with malicious intent to my family members stating "I use my daughter as a pawn in an attempt to extort money, etc." from her, when she knows this to be completely untrue - I even have proof that the last time she offered me money (December 2015, to fix my car), I turned her down. She then forwarded this same text message to me, which also called me a "sociopath," among other things.

This has damaged my reputation with my family - as I am miles away and cannot defend myself - and several family members have since severed ties via social media outlets. This is also extremely emotionally upsetting, as she knows I've always struggled with disabling anxiety and depression, and am currently trying to finish college, and I am also afraid the stress could cause me to go into an early labor with my current pregnancy (she found out through family members, who told her about my life situation without my permission, so she knows how much potential damage she could cause). This has been a huge upsetting distraction from my final college semester and causing me severe panic attacks.

I honestly don't know what to do - restraining order? Cease and desist letter? Or full-blown civil harassment suit? She doesn't have a lot of money, only a house and car, so I'm not necessarily seeking monetary damages, I just want this libel and harassment to stop, and wish she would issue some sort of retraction or public apology to restore my reputation within the eyes of my family. As far as evidence I have our entire log of text messages saved, in which I have proof I never asked her for money, and a few voice messages, and emails from my father to me (her ex-husband) detailing her bizarre and malicious behavior over the years and why he left her, etc.

I'm a wreck, thank you for any advice. My friends are telling me to just let this go, but that doesn't seem to be helping the harassment and libel. I don't feel I should have to put up with such distress just because she is miles away. It is indeed very emotionally damaging, as much as I'm trying to just brush it off.
 


Just Blue

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

Mother's state of residence: West Virginia

My mother's been abusive all my life, but I have always tried to stay away from her & ignore her since becoming of age. Into my adulthood she has continued to harass me via voice and text message, but again, I try to ignore. This has come to a head within the last 1 1/2 years, primarily the last 6 months. We quit speaking in December 2015 due to her refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing on her part in a December 2014 visit to my home, which was simply rude behavior but nothing blatantly illegal. Earlier in 2015 she performed some harassing behaviors, such as sending a letter to my child's school teacher, apparently stating concern over home life, and sent me "fact sheets" highlighted in certain areas to insinuate my husband is a child molester, which she had mentioned during the 2014 visit (she is always trying to create drama in my life - misery loves company).

However, within the last two weeks (May 2016) I tried to give her another chance and speak to her, and she then thought I was ignoring her again (simply had not responded to texts for approximately 4 days - texts I thought needed no response), so she sent text messages with malicious intent to my family members stating "I use my daughter as a pawn in an attempt to extort money, etc." from her, when she knows this to be completely untrue - I even have proof that the last time she offered me money (December 2015, to fix my car), I turned her down. She then forwarded this same text message to me, which also called me a "sociopath," among other things.

This has damaged my reputation with my family - as I am miles away and cannot defend myself - and several family members have since severed ties via social media outlets. This is also extremely emotionally upsetting, as she knows I've always struggled with disabling anxiety and depression, and am currently trying to finish college, and I am also afraid the stress could cause me to go into an early labor with my current pregnancy (she found out through family members, who told her about my life situation without my permission, so she knows how much potential damage she could cause). This has been a huge upsetting distraction from my final college semester and causing me severe panic attacks.

I honestly don't know what to do - restraining order? Cease and desist letter? Or full-blown civil harassment suit? She doesn't have a lot of money, only a house and car, so I'm not necessarily seeking monetary damages, I just want this libel and harassment to stop, and wish she would issue some sort of retraction or public apology to restore my reputation within the eyes of my family. As far as evidence I have our entire log of text messages saved, in which I have proof I never asked her for money, and a few voice messages, and emails from my father to me (her ex-husband) detailing her bizarre and malicious behavior over the years and why he left her, etc.

I'm a wreck, thank you for any advice. My friends are telling me to just let this go, but that doesn't seem to be helping the harassment and libel. I don't feel I should have to put up with such distress just because she is miles away. It is indeed very emotionally damaging, as much as I'm trying to just brush it off.
Change your e-mail, phone and mailing address. If your family chooses to believe your mother...there is not much you can do about that. You could sue...But that is expensive to do. :(
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

Mother's state of residence: West Virginia

My mother's been abusive all my life, but I have always tried to stay away from her & ignore her since becoming of age. Into my adulthood she has continued to harass me via voice and text message, but again, I try to ignore. This has come to a head within the last 1 1/2 years, primarily the last 6 months. We quit speaking in December 2015 due to her refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing on her part in a December 2014 visit to my home, which was simply rude behavior but nothing blatantly illegal. Earlier in 2015 she performed some harassing behaviors, such as sending a letter to my child's school teacher, apparently stating concern over home life, and sent me "fact sheets" highlighted in certain areas to insinuate my husband is a child molester, which she had mentioned during the 2014 visit (she is always trying to create drama in my life - misery loves company).

However, within the last two weeks (May 2016) I tried to give her another chance and speak to her, and she then thought I was ignoring her again (simply had not responded to texts for approximately 4 days - texts I thought needed no response), so she sent text messages with malicious intent to my family members stating "I use my daughter as a pawn in an attempt to extort money, etc." from her, when she knows this to be completely untrue - I even have proof that the last time she offered me money (December 2015, to fix my car), I turned her down. She then forwarded this same text message to me, which also called me a "sociopath," among other things.

This has damaged my reputation with my family - as I am miles away and cannot defend myself - and several family members have since severed ties via social media outlets. This is also extremely emotionally upsetting, as she knows I've always struggled with disabling anxiety and depression, and am currently trying to finish college, and I am also afraid the stress could cause me to go into an early labor with my current pregnancy (she found out through family members, who told her about my life situation without my permission, so she knows how much potential damage she could cause). This has been a huge upsetting distraction from my final college semester and causing me severe panic attacks.

I honestly don't know what to do - restraining order? Cease and desist letter? Or full-blown civil harassment suit? She doesn't have a lot of money, only a house and car, so I'm not necessarily seeking monetary damages, I just want this libel and harassment to stop, and wish she would issue some sort of retraction or public apology to restore my reputation within the eyes of my family. As far as evidence I have our entire log of text messages saved, in which I have proof I never asked her for money, and a few voice messages, and emails from my father to me (her ex-husband) detailing her bizarre and malicious behavior over the years and why he left her, etc.

I'm a wreck, thank you for any advice. My friends are telling me to just let this go, but that doesn't seem to be helping the harassment and libel. I don't feel I should have to put up with such distress just because she is miles away. It is indeed very emotionally damaging, as much as I'm trying to just brush it off.
Suing her is unlikely to make her stop, and would tend to make the rest of the family feel sorry for her. Getting her on harassment charges would again likely make the rest of the family feel sorry for her.

The best way to stop the nonsense is to change all of your contact information, and say good riddance to any family member that believes her lies. It will make life happier and healthier for you. Its actually a good thing that you are miles away from her and everybody else. You might consider making the distance even greater once you graduate from college.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
A defamation suit against her would cost an immense amount of money and nothing would change except the fact that you'd be tens of thousands of dollars worse off financially. Her lies would not stop, either (it's virtually impossible to stop someone from saying bad things about you).

Block her number, and move on with your life. The people who believe those lies are not your friends - you're better off for them not being in your life.
 

vegannomnom

Junior Member
Thank you all...I had figured about as much.

Although it seems easy enough on the surface to simply forget about it, that is hard to do when this isn't just a distant relative or neighbor saying these things, but your own "mother" who is supposed to love/nurture or maybe somewhat accept you...let's just say I've been in therapy a while.

I am afraid of her continuing to attack me via those around me - such as when she sent my child's teacher a letter last year (she must have researched the school address and everything, which I find entirely creepy), just to give rise to suspicions about my character (lucky for me, the teacher told me about it and saw through mom's BS). Last thing I want to do is provoke her into more harassment, but do you think it's reasonable for these reasons to seek a protective order? So that hopefully she couldn't contact my child's school/husband's work/etc.? I realize that may be somewhat hard to enforce between states but there is no chance of us moving anytime soon, so I can't completely hide my information that she already knows unfortunately, and I really don't know what she might try.
 
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LdiJ

Senior Member
Thank you all...I had figured about as much.

Although it seems easy enough on the surface to simply forget about it, that is hard to do when this isn't just a distant relative or neighbor saying these things, but your own "mother" who is supposed to love/nurture or maybe somewhat accept you...let's just say I've been in therapy a while.

I am afraid of her continuing to attack me via those around me - such as when she sent my child's teacher a letter last year (she must have researched the school address and everything, which I find entirely creepy), just to give rise to suspicions about my character (lucky for me, the teacher told me about it and saw through mom's BS). Last thing I want to do is provoke her into more harassment, but do you think it's reasonable for these reasons to seek a protective order? So that hopefully she couldn't contact my child's school/husband's work/etc.? I realize that may be somewhat hard to enforce between states but there is no chance of us moving anytime soon, so I can't completely hide my information that she already knows unfortunately, and I really don't know what she might try.
What would be better is to inform the schools and everyone's employer that your mother is basically insane and that she may contact them wild accusations. That may be an over exaggeration but it would put everyone on alert that they may get bizarre contacts.
 

quincy

Senior Member
Thank you all...I had figured about as much.

Although it seems easy enough on the surface to simply forget about it, that is hard to do when this isn't just a distant relative or neighbor saying these things, but your own "mother" who is supposed to love/nurture or maybe somewhat accept you...let's just say I've been in therapy a while.

I am afraid of her continuing to attack me via those around me - such as when she sent my child's teacher a letter last year (she must have researched the school address and everything, which I find entirely creepy), just to give rise to suspicions about my character (lucky for me, the teacher told me about it and saw through mom's BS). Last thing I want to do is provoke her into more harassment, but do you think it's reasonable for these reasons to seek a protective order? So that hopefully she couldn't contact my child's school/husband's work/etc.? I realize that may be somewhat hard to enforce between states but there is no chance of us moving anytime soon, so I can't completely hide my information that she already knows unfortunately, and I really don't know what she might try.
First, do NOT state or imply to others that your mother is "basically insane." You do not want to retaliate against your mother by telling the same type of falsehoods about her that she is telling about you.

An order of protection will not be issued against your out-of-state mother based on her lying to others about you. You cannot restrain speech in that way. You can only deal with any damage that has been caused by speech after-the-fact. One (expensive) way to do this is through a defamation action, if what is said to others causes you severe and demonstrable reputational injury. Another (less costly) way is to have an attorney send a cease and desist letter advising that legal action might be considered if the lies do not stop. And another (cheap) way is to cut off all contact with your mother as the forum members above have advised and, if family members or others DO happen to contact you about the lies, combat the lies with the truth.

The best antidote to poisonous relationships is to cleanse your life of these toxins.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
First, do NOT state or imply to others that your mother is "basically insane." You do not want to retaliate against your mother by telling the same type of falsehoods about her that she is telling about you.

An order of protection will not be issued against your out-of-state mother based on her lying to others about you. You cannot restrain speech in that way. You can only deal with any damage that has been caused by speech after-the-fact. One (expensive) way to do this is through a defamation action, if what is said to others causes you severe and demonstrable reputational injury. Another (less costly) way is to have an attorney send a cease and desist letter advising that legal action might be considered if the lies do not stop. And another (cheap) way is to cut off all contact with your mother as the forum members above have advised and, if family members or others DO happen to contact you about the lies, combat the lies with the truth.

The best antidote to poisonous relationships is to cleanse your life of these toxins.
The best way to diffuse lies that her mother would tell to her children's schools or her employer is to forewarn the employer or the school personnel. Now, she certainly doesn't have to use the term "basically insane" but some sort of description has to be given to make them understand the situation.
 

quincy

Senior Member
The best way to diffuse lies that her mother would tell to her children's schools or her employer is to forewarn the employer or the school personnel. Now, she certainly doesn't have to use the term "basically insane" but some sort of description has to be given to make them understand the situation.
I don't agree that the best way to diffuse lies is to tell schools and employers about the mother and what she might say. Neither schools nor employers want to get involved in family disputes.

Schools have other matters to deal with and employers just want their employees to show up at work to do the work they are being paid to do.

If vegannomnom's mother sends a letter or email that raises questions, a school or an employer will either address it with vegannomnom at that point or ignore the message entirely. If a response by vegannomnom is for some reason required, it could be as simple as offering an "I'm sorry. My mother and I don't get along." It can be best to just leave it at that.
 

vegannomnom

Junior Member
Thank you all for your input.

I am curious as to why you would not recommend a protective order?

I know one wouldn't be issued on the grounds that she is simply saying rude things about me. I know there is not a lot she can do from far away, but I do feel threatened by her, and after all, I would consider what she's doing legally harassing me (intending to cause embarrassment, etc.). She has physically harmed me in the past (quite often, as a child - and frequently told me I better not tell anyone about it or I would be sent to foster care, where I would definitely be molested), and if an ex-boyfriend were to do the things she is doing, I believe many more people would tell me that the protective order is the way to go. She told my/her family at my one-year-old's birthday party she was going to have custody taken away from me (for no reason, other than the fact I was weepy and emotionally distraught after having to leave said daughter's abusive dad abruptly) - of course that never happened.

She has never outright threatened me; only implied things...During her 2014 visit she twirled a knife in her hands (was eating brisket with the knife...) and talked about how she felt vindicated in turning in a quadriplegic she worked for to the police because she "had suspicions" that he used drugs, and said something about "bringing justice to a WHOLE lot of people that don't suspect it" (she later told me she thought she smelled pot while here, lol). The whole knife situation was really off-putting.

During my last phone conversation with her - the ONLY phone conversation in over 5 months - I allowed her to talk to my daughter briefly, and overheard her say she was saving up money for another visit (she knows she is not welcome here at all, after 2014 visit), so it is not out of the realm of possibility she would try to kidnap my daughter. Like I said, I really have no idea what the woman is capable of. While I would rather try to just let this go, I am thinking that if she ever did try anything serious in the future, having the protective order dating back would set some sort of a precedent of me feeling threatened. I guess I'd just be afraid of having to talk to police and them asking "Well, if it was that serious, why didn't you get a protective order?" I had considered it after the 2014 visit but then talked myself out of it.
 

quincy

Senior Member
Thank you all for your input.

I am curious as to why you would not recommend a protective order?
Here is a link to the American Bar Association's laws on civil protection orders and the elements that must be met to qualify for the issuance of an order (scroll down for the laws in Texas):

http://www.americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/migrated/domviol/docs/StalkingHarassmentCPOChartJune07.authcheckdam.pdf

There have been no police reports filed against your mother and no arrests. Your mother lives in a different state from you. Texas does not have personal jurisdiction over your mother in West Virginia. Annoying text messages, even defamatory text messages, are not going to be enough to support a civil protection order.

I know one wouldn't be issued on the grounds that she is simply saying rude things about me. I know there is not a lot she can do from far away, but I do feel threatened by her, and after all, I would consider what she's doing legally harassing me (intending to cause embarrassment, etc.). She has physically harmed me in the past (quite often, as a child - and frequently told me I better not tell anyone about it or I would be sent to foster care, where I would definitely be molested), and if an ex-boyfriend were to do the things she is doing, I believe many more people would tell me that the protective order is the way to go. She told my/her family at my one-year-old's birthday party she was going to have custody taken away from me (for no reason, other than the fact I was weepy and emotionally distraught after having to leave said daughter's abusive dad abruptly) - of course that never happened.
A protection order will not be issued over what happened to you as a child or over any embarrassment your mother might cause you now. The way to stop the harassment is to ignore your mother.

She has never outright threatened me; only implied things...During her 2014 visit she twirled a knife in her hands (was eating brisket with the knife...) and talked about how she felt vindicated in turning in a quadriplegic she worked for to the police because she "had suspicions" that he used drugs, and said something about "bringing justice to a WHOLE lot of people that don't suspect it" (she later told me she thought she smelled pot while here, lol). The whole knife situation was really off-putting.
Block all communications with your mother. You do not have to speak to her; you do not have to respond to her messages or phone calls; you do not have to allow her to visit you.

During my last phone conversation with her - the ONLY phone conversation in over 5 months - I allowed her to talk to my daughter briefly, and overheard her say she was saving up money for another visit (she knows she is not welcome here at all, after 2014 visit), so it is not out of the realm of possibility she would try to kidnap my daughter. Like I said, I really have no idea what the woman is capable of. While I would rather try to just let this go, I am thinking that if she ever did try anything serious in the future, having the protective order dating back would set some sort of a precedent of me feeling threatened. I guess I'd just be afraid of having to talk to police and them asking "Well, if it was that serious, why didn't you get a protective order?" I had considered it after the 2014 visit but then talked myself out of it.
Block all communications with your mother. You do not have to speak to her; you do not have to respond to her messages or phone calls; you do not have to allow her to visit you.

If your mother travels from West Virginia to see you in Texas and there are threats of violence (or you fear for your safety), contact your local police at that time.

I suggest you concentrate on your college studies and ignore your mother. Good luck, vegannomnom.
 
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vegannomnom

Junior Member
Thank you quincy for the very detailed answer!

Looks like that is what I will just have to do - ignore the BS and try to focus on finishing college.

Thanks again all for the input.
 

commentator

Senior Member
Believe me, I really can feel for you more than most. But absorb quincy's posts. The wisdom you need is there. What you'd like to hear could happen is that you could invoke the power of law and they would fix it somehow so that your mother could never approach you or cause problems for you or horribly embarrass you again. But that just can't happen.

Block phones, change numbers, break off facebook and other possible sources of contact. And be sure to keep things safe around your house. Lock your doors, keep an eye on your children, always be ready for that unexpected trip over from the other state. If she comes banging on your door and even breaks in and tries to murder you or kidnap your child, (things like that have happened) call the authorities and have her removed. I promise they won't ask you why you didn't get a protective order on her before. They'll come and they'll remove her. You are an adult, you get to say whom you allow in your home and whom you allow to have contact with your children.

If she actually does contact CPS, or your child's school, or writes letters to your husbands employer, all those things are sort of not too important until they actually happen, and you can deal with them if they do. You can't stop her from doing them if she's really determined. But a lack of feedback about how much you are being bothered and upset would be the best thing to stop such behaviors. And she hasn't done them yet.

You have no way of disciplining her at this point for what she's done to you in the past or what she might do in the future. Random crazy letters from grandparents or mother in laws aren't really as damaging as you might imagine. You can easily explain if it becomes necessary to do so that your mother is having some problems. If your relatives in her area think less of you, that's something they'll have to work out, without your input. You can't legally force them to believe YOU instead of her. Besides, if they've known her for many years, they probably have a pretty good idea what's going on. If not, so what? Move on.

You say you've been in counseling. I recommend it highly. You say all this stress is going to cause you problems with your pregnancy, is messing up your last semesters in college. Well, only if you permit it to do so. You're ceding her all the power and letting her dominate your thoughts from afar. No lawsuits can stop that or make her be a better mother or make her quit doing crazy stuff to you.

Not everyone has a good parent. Some children are born into very unfortunate circumstances. It sounds as though you have reached a point in your life where you are capable of being far away from her and not dependent on her in any way. You have a family, a significant other. Doing well in your own life and being happy (while she is obviously terribly miserable) is the best revenge.

Work with your counselor. Practice all the stress management you can muster. I really hope this works out well, but do take quincy's advice to heart and stop the contact and go forward with your own life. Your friends who know you are giving you the best of all advice.
 
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quincy

Senior Member
Thank you quincy for the very detailed answer!

Looks like that is what I will just have to do - ignore the BS and try to focus on finishing college.

Thanks again all for the input.
You're welcome, vegannomnom.

I am sorry none of us could conjure up some law that would make your mother behave and your problems with her disappear. If her communications to others DO start to severely affect you and your reputation to the point where you have demonstrable damages (job loss, economic harm), you might want to sit down with an attorney in your area to discuss legal options at that time.

Good luck with your studies.
 

vegannomnom

Junior Member
I really appreciate everyone's kind words and advice.

One more question! Although it is probably just a matter of personal opinion...

How do you think I should handle the letters/cards my mother continues to send to my daughter? Trash them/ignore them, or "Return To Sender"?

I really don't even want to see them in my mailbox, as it brings up the whole emotional issue again, so returning would get my point across, yet could also just piss her off enough to mess with me more. Thoughts?

Thank you.
 

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