That is generally the case.
Lawsuits are expensive both to pursue and to defend against, and attorney fees account for much of the cost. That is why more people are attempting to cut their legal costs by eliminating the attorney part entirely and handling court actions on their own.
Although this is understandable in today's financial climate, and most courts now have self-help sites and court forms available to assist the pro se, and the internet allows for a pro se to do limited legal research, unfortunately some lawsuits are just too difficult for a person to handle
without the services of an attorney.
Defamation lawsuits generally fall into this category.
When faced with a defamation suit that involves two different states, and when money stakes are as high as they appear to be here, and when the
other side already has a lawyer working for him, it seems unwise not to have an attorney on
your side, handling the matter for you.
I believe your first step, therefore, should be to go over all of the facts of your situation with an attorney to see what your best course of action is, this either before you are served with the complaint or immediately after.
Your situation sucks for sure, Neil, but the most important thing to concentrate on is that your wife is home and doing well. The legal stuff, while important, pales in comparison, and will eventually work itself out.
Good luck.