Absent Father of 8 years comes to surfice...

[Dancingchia]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

So I had my oldest daughter when I was 18. He left after she was about a year and a half and I hadn't ever had the money to go and get his rights revoked. I got married to a guy when she was two (Me and her father hadn't been together since she was 3mos). He raised my daughter since she was 6months old. We separated when my oldest turned 6yrs old and haven't been living together for 4 years. We had always talked about him adopting my oldest daughter but we never got around to doing it financially. Well, a month ago my daughters "Father" called me out of the blue and wanted to talk about getting to know my daughter.... He said he feels guilty and such. My oldest says she doesn't really want to get to know him right now (Shes 10) and maybe when she is older she will maybe. Now that me and her stepdad have not been together for 4 years and we both have moved on into other relationships... I don't know what to do. I still want him to adopt her, as far as anyone is considered HE is her Dad.... Can he still adopt her? Can he adopt her even after we finally get our divorce finalized or should I wait? What kind of rights does my daughters "Father" have?? Can he just suddenly get visitations with her? Can I now go and revoke his rights?

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

So I had my oldest daughter when I was 18. He left after she was about a year and a half and I hadn't ever had the money to go and get his rights revoked. I got married to a guy when she was two (Me and her father hadn't been together since she was 3mos). He raised my daughter since she was 6months old. We separated when my oldest turned 6yrs old and haven't been living together for 4 years. We had always talked about him adopting my oldest daughter but we never got around to doing it financially. Well, a month ago my daughters "Father" called me out of the blue and wanted to talk about getting to know my daughter.... He said he feels guilty and such. My oldest says she doesn't really want to get to know him right now (Shes 10) and maybe when she is older she will maybe. Now that me and her stepdad have not been together for 4 years and we both have moved on into other relationships... I don't know what to do. I still want him to adopt her, as far as anyone is considered HE is her Dad.... Can he still adopt her? Can he adopt her even after we finally get our divorce finalized or should I wait? What kind of rights does my daughters "Father" have?? Can he just suddenly get visitations with her? Can I now go and revoke his rights?

Dad, once paternity is established (if it hasn't been already) can absolutely petition for visitation. Visitation will likely be graduated and supervised at first, but eventually will probably end up with the standard NCP visitation schedule (generally every other weekend and one night per week).

Your ex (or soon to be ex) isn't her Dad - he has no rights.

Dad's rights cannot be terminated in Oregon unless the state terminates (for reasons such as abuse etc) or as part of a stepparent adoption. Given that you and your ex have been separated for 4 years, that's not going to be approved either.

 

[stealth2]

I don't have anything to add to Pro's post, but I did want to commend you for not allowing your daughter to believe her stepDad is her bioDad. Kudos on that.

 

[Dancingchia]

I don't have anything to add to Pro's post, but I did want to commend you for not allowing your daughter to believe her stepDad is her bioDad. Kudos on that.

I told my daughter at a young age where she came from and made it age appropriate as the years went by. I'm not about lieing to my kids. The reason I left her BioDad is because of abuse. He held me against a way by my throat while pregnant, it took me a long time to finally get out from the situation. He held me against a couch and told me i needed to be raped. and even swung at me a few times through out our relationship, it was incredibly vile. From what a lawyer years ago told me and from what I have read there is an abandonment law in Oregon and he fits under that. He came to my place when my daughter was 18months or so and simply stated he wanted nothing to do with her anymore and he would sign away his rights. He then disappeared for 8yrs never to be heard from, He was garnished for child support through the state so that part was always taken care of.

I Don't want there to be a time my daughter wants to get to know him under the age of 18 and I not know who this man is anymore, so I have been very civil with her BioDad. We text back and forth and are friendly. I personally want nothing to do with him and still harbor serious resentment towards him, wish he never even came around. But i know logically that I can not show those feelings to my 10year old, it wouldn't be fair to her. She is very smart and knows a bit of the background as to why I left, her and I have a very good relationship. But she has to make her own feelings up on what she thinks of her BioDad with out mine clouding that. As much as I wish she hated him too.

So, there is nothing I can do to protect myself and her from just simply wanting visitations? even though so far he is following my rules, he is not to contact her in anyway since right now she has shown zero interest in meeting him. She has always since the day she could speak referred to my Ex as her Dad and my now boyfriend as her stepdad. In the eyes of family and people that matter thats how we all see it as well. But with my daughters obvious chaotic start in life I am worried about potential "daddy" and "Abandonment" issues. The fact that her BioDad resurfaced has even shown negative impact on my daughter and I fear that if he where to bully his way into her life without her being ready that the situation would only be for the worse. And that his entering her life would not be in her best interest at all.

As of right now he has not pushed the subject, and has stated that he has "No leg to stand on" when it comes to her. But I am still fearful, and need to know if there is anything I can do to protect her.

 

[TheGeekess]

I told my daughter at a young age where she came from and made it age appropriate as the years went by. I'm not about lieing to my kids. The reason I left her BioDad is because of abuse. He held me against a way by my throat while pregnant, it took me a long time to finally get out from the situation. He held me against a couch and told me i needed to be raped. and even swung at me a few times through out our relationship, it was incredibly vile. From what a lawyer years ago told me and from what I have read there is an abandonment law in Oregon and he fits under that. He came to my place when my daughter was 18months or so and simply stated he wanted nothing to do with her anymore and he would sign away his rights. He then disappeared for 8yrs never to be heard from, He was garnished for child support through the state so that part was always taken care of.

I Don't want there to be a time my daughter wants to get to know him under the age of 18 and I not know who this man is anymore, so I have been very civil with her BioDad. We text back and forth and are friendly. I personally want nothing to do with him and still harbor serious resentment towards him, wish he never even came around. But i know logically that I can not show those feelings to my 10year old, it wouldn't be fair to her. She is very smart and knows a bit of the background as to why I left, her and I have a very good relationship. But she has to make her own feelings up on what she thinks of her BioDad with out mine clouding that. As much as I wish she hated him too.

So, there is nothing I can do to protect myself and her from just simply wanting visitations? even though so far he is following my rules, he is not to contact her in anyway since right now she has shown zero interest in meeting him. She has always since the day she could speak referred to my Ex as her Dad and my now boyfriend as her stepdad. In the eyes of family and people that matter thats how we all see it as well. But with my daughters obvious chaotic start in life I am worried about potential "daddy" and "Abandonment" issues. The fact that her BioDad resurfaced has even shown negative impact on my daughter and I fear that if he where to bully his way into her life without her being ready that the situation would only be for the worse. And that his entering her life would not be in her best interest at all.

As of right now he has not pushed the subject, and has stated that he has "No leg to stand on" when it comes to her. But I am still fearful, and need to know if there is anything I can do to protect her.

He hasn't "abandoned" her if he's paying CS. And, no, parents cannot simply 'sign away their rights'. They can choose not to EXERCISE their rights. The state has no interest in b@stardizing children. The state wants 2 parents who are obligated to support a child.

Dad will get visitation if he files for it. Make sure it's a graduated plan so she can get to know him. Get daughter into counseling to help her deal with what issues will arise.

 

[Dancingchia]

He hasn't "abandoned" her if he's paying CS. And, no, parents cannot simply 'sign away their rights'. They can choose not to EXERCISE their rights. The state has no interest in b@stardizing children. The state wants 2 parents who are obligated to support a child.

Dad will get visitation if he files for it. Make sure it's a graduated plan so she can get to know him. Get daughter into counseling to help her deal with what issues will arise.

Alright, yes I do plan on getting her into counseling. thank you

If i married my long term boyfriend could he adopt her? since my ex and i have been separated he can not...

 

[TheGeekess]

Alright, yes I do plan on getting her into counseling. thank you

If i married my long term boyfriend could he adopt her? since my ex and i have been separated he can not...

That would depend on Dad and Boyfriend. Dad would have to agree to giving up his rights (and if he doesn't agree, then it's no use to go any further). Would Boyfriend be willing to pay Child Support if you and he divorced after an adoption? Would YOU be willing for Boyfriend receive custody/child support if you and he divorced after an adoption?

 

[Ohiogal]

Alright, yes I do plan on getting her into counseling. thank you

If i married my long term boyfriend could he adopt her? since my ex and i have been separated he can not...

You are NOT even divorced from your husband (her step dad) and you want your new boyfriend to adopt her? A long term boyfriend at that? And yet you still want your husband to adopt if he can but if not then the new boyfriend could? Because this is all about playing musical daddies, right? No really, what will that do to the stability in your daughter's life for you to just pick a guy in order to get bio-dad out of her life permanently?

 

[Antigone*]

Alright, yes I do plan on getting her into counseling. thank you

If i married my long term boyfriend could he adopt her? since my ex and i have been separated he can not...

I'm sorry but I just don't get the game of musical daddies that you are willing to play with your daughter's sanity? Your daughter has a father, accept that. You thought enough of this man to make him her father, now it is up to you to help her through the mess you both created, and the mess that you both seem intent on continuing.

 

[Silverplum]

I'm sorry but I just don't get the game of musical daddies that you are willing to play with your daughter's sanity? Your daughter has a father, accept that. You thought enough of this man to make him her father, now it is up to you to help her through the mess you both created, and the mess that you both seem intent on continuing.

I agree, Mrs. Tiggins.

This isn't "Let's Make A Deal." Even if Mom thinks she has a choice of what's behind Curtain #1, Curtain #2, and Curtain #3.

 

[Dancingchia]

I agree, Mrs. Tiggins.

This isn't "Let's Make A Deal." Even if Mom thinks she has a choice of what's behind Curtain #1, Curtain #2, and Curtain #3.

Wow, you guys are being awfully rude, I am asking for advice not opinions on what you feel I am or am not doing correctly. I haven't gotten the legal divorce from my "Husband" because he was in and out of Iraq. He could not have a pending court order or anything like that before he could leave. It was better for him in the long run and he also got the extra housing in which in turn he paid for my oldest daughters and the daughter we share together currently, stuff. And support. We did not do well as a married couple PERIOD but he was always a good Dad. The reason I want to "Play musical chairs" as you people so rudely put it is because what if something happens to me? God forbid. And the only person who can make legal choices on her is her BioDad who knows nothing about her. The current guy Im with we have a daughter as well, yes I have 3 kids from 3 diff daddies. The only 3 guys i have ever been with so no im not some slutty girl, I though my Husband was going to be it when we planned to have a baby. He and I could not work out and i wont go into details about it. My 3rd was an oops, I was on birth control and it still happened. I dont regret any of my girls. My Ex husband and my Boyfriend get along, we all parent the girls well together. Before you pass judgment on me perhaps you should walk in my shoes, I can't write enough on here to give any idea of what I have done for my kids, Even though it probably wouldnt even matter because you have already make your descions on what type of person you feel I am.

My daughter lives with me and my Boyfriend, shes expressed the wants to have him as her legal Dad as well as the Ex Husband. she loves them both and isnt struggling with any issues in that area. She does have an issue with the BioDad, and only expressed to me "why now? Why does he care now? I have 2 dads I dont need another one." So... my main concern is to be sure she is in safe hands should something happen to myself. If i where to die tomorrow, the best interest of my daughter is NOT to go live with some man she doesnt even know. But to either stay with my Boyfriend or to live with my Ex Husband. Both of which men would not keep her from seeing the other as they have her best interest in mind as well.

So yes, I look like the slutty idiot who got pregnant many times and is trying to pick and choose, which isnt the case at all. I made the choice to keep her, I got my nursing and worked gravyard shifts while pregnant at 18. While he left and decided not to look back, but to pop in and out for 18mos until he was just tired of it and didnt want her anymore. Now he feels bad... and wants back in? How is that fair? He wasnt there for the late nights, he wasnt there the first time she was seriously ill or even for her first words, steps, runs, anything.... And now he can just say okay, I want the easy and fun part now. And Im the bad guy?

 

[Silverplum]

Wow, you guys are being awfully rude,

See ya.


(And, by the way, I can't possibly walk in your shoes. I can and will, however, pass judgement on your "parenting." It's all within my purview. )

I am asking for advice not opinions on what you feel I am or am not doing correctly. I haven't gotten the legal divorce from my "Husband" because he was in and out of Iraq. He could not have a pending court order or anything like that before he could leave. It was better for him in the long run and he also got the extra housing in which in turn he paid for my oldest daughters and the daughter we share together currently, stuff. And support. We did not do well as a married couple PERIOD but he was always a good Dad. The reason I want to "Play musical chairs" as you people so rudely put it is because what if something happens to me? God forbid. And the only person who can make legal choices on her is her BioDad who knows nothing about her. The current guy Im with we have a daughter as well, yes I have 3 kids from 3 diff daddies. The only 3 guys i have ever been with so no im not some slutty girl, I though my Husband was going to be it when we planned to have a baby. He and I could not work out and i wont go into details about it. My 3rd was an oops, I was on birth control and it still happened. I dont regret any of my girls. My Ex husband and my Boyfriend get along, we all parent the girls well together. Before you pass judgment on me perhaps you should walk in my shoes, I can't write enough on here to give any idea of what I have done for my kids, Even though it probably wouldnt even matter because you have already make your descions on what type of person you feel I am.

My daughter lives with me and my Boyfriend, shes expressed the wants to have him as her legal Dad as well as the Ex Husband. she loves them both and isnt struggling with any issues in that area. She does have an issue with the BioDad, and only expressed to me "why now? Why does he care now? I have 2 dads I dont need another one." So... my main concern is to be sure she is in safe hands should something happen to myself. If i where to die tomorrow, the best interest of my daughter is NOT to go live with some man she doesnt even know. But to either stay with my Boyfriend or to live with my Ex Husband. Both of which men would not keep her from seeing the other as they have her best interest in mind as well.

So yes, I look like the slutty idiot who got pregnant many times and is trying to pick and choose, which isnt the case at all. I made the choice to keep her, I got my nursing and worked gravyard shifts while pregnant at 18. While he left and decided not to look back, but to pop in and out for 18mos until he was just tired of it and didnt want her anymore. Now he feels bad... and wants back in? How is that fair? He wasnt there for the late nights, he wasnt there the first time she was seriously ill or even for her first words, steps, runs, anything.... And now he can just say okay, I want the easy and fun part now. And Im the bad guy?

 

[Dancingchia]

I'm sorry but I just don't get the game of musical daddies that you are willing to play with your daughter's sanity? Your daughter has a father, accept that. You thought enough of this man to make him her father, now it is up to you to help her through the mess you both created, and the mess that you both seem intent on continuing.

How would either of them adopting her cause her any issues at all? nothing would change... living situation would be the same...only now someone who knows and has raised her can actually have a legal say in her medical care if i am unable to do so myself. Ive been with the Boyfriend for 4years. My ex husband raised my daughter for 5 years. The "father" for 0. He cant tell me her favorite color, animal, what age she spoke or walked yet he can make legal health care choices about her if im ill? that makes no sense what so ever

 

[Zigner]

How would either of them adopting her cause her any issues at all? nothing would change... living situation would be the same...only now someone who knows and has raised her can actually have a legal say in her medical care if i am unable to do so myself. Ive been with the Boyfriend for 4years. My ex husband raised my daughter for 5 years. The "father" for 0. He cant tell me her favorite color, animal, what age she spoke or walked yet he can make legal health care choices about her if im ill? that makes no sense what so ever

You want to go through an adoption so he can make medical decisions on your behalf?

You need a POA, not an adoption.

 

[Antigone*]

How would either of them adopting her cause her any issues at all? nothing would change... living situation would be the same...only now someone who knows and has raised her can actually have a legal say in her medical care if i am unable to do so myself. Ive been with the Boyfriend for 4years. My ex husband raised my daughter for 5 years. The "father" for 0. He cant tell me her favorite color, animal, what age she spoke or walked yet he can make legal health care choices about her if im ill? that makes no sense what so ever

Your plans for musical daddies is not going to happen. Oh and please stop being slutty. it is not very becoming.