What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NJ
I am writing to seek some help in deciding what, if anything, I can do to help my mother. She is 60 and at a glance seems to be a wonderfully normal human being. Scratch beneath the surface however and you find a wealth of irrationality. The situation is complex, and so I’ll do my best to explain it in a way that makes sense and as briefly as possible (brief is not my strong suit
).
The first thing you might notice that would key you in to what I am talking about is the clutter that exists in our house. My mother has a very hard time disposing of anything. She saves second hand clothes, plastic containers, cancelled checks, furniture, you name it. She does not have a hard time giving it away if she thinks it will be put to good use, but there are not many people who want what she saves, and so she has a hard time even giving much of anything away. It has become a running joke in our family (sadly) that you take anything she offers, since that’s the only way it will get out of our house.
A second trait that is easily observable is her obsession with illness, death and medication. She is convinced she has very bad asthma, and I have little doubt she does have it, but the way she handles it is irrational. She sees, on average, five doctors a week, who each prescribe her a few different medications. She’s on several inhalers, uses a nebulizer at night, sleeps with a sleep apnea machine on, takes steroids, high blood pressure medication, acid reflux medication, medication for depression, and self-medicates with herbal remedies she hears about on TV as well. While I believe she may need some of these medications, the exuberance with which she runs to the doctor with a new diagnosis of herself on a regular basis is disturbing.
Another trait that is less obvious is her obsession with clipping and using coupons. She clips every coupon she can find and appears unable to resist using them. She thousands a year on dry cleaning, since she gets 20% off every time, and much of the house is littered with cans, jars, and boxes of non-perishables that she buys simply because she can get a half dollar off of it. She scans circulars for deals, and when something is on sale and she has a coupon she runs to buy it. Her and my father live alone, and I would estimate she spends a few hundred dollars a week on groceries.
She also has a level of irrational judgment when it comes to her home. In the last few months, she replaced the floors (they creaked), the attic AC unit (apparently she’s allergic to ozone now and had to have it changed) the furnace in the basement (it was leaking incredible amounts of carbon monoxide –yet the detectors were silent). She also hires cleaning people to help her change drapes, organize her clothes and do random things around the house. The worst of it was when she hired a handyman a few years ago to do odd jobs. He began by telling her small jobs needed to be done like tarring the driveways, and painting the house’s foundation and chimney. He then moved onto bigger jobs, like cleaning the crawlspace out in the basement, and culminated in telling her all the pipes needed to be replaced. He insisted he needed the money immediately. She called me panicking because the ATM would only let her withdraw $300 and he said he needed more. She got him another $2K the next day, and, needless to say perhaps, had to take him to court when he took off and is still paying her back $100 a month today.
Finally, she was a teacher for over 30 years at the same school. Last year the school threatened to take legal action if she did not retire, due to her irrationality compromising her ability to do her job. Thankfully the union was able to convince her to leave her job and take her pension before the case made it to court. While she enjoys retirement, I’m afraid it is affording her the time and energy to increase her commitment to her other irrational habits and spend money that she’s quickly running out of.
These examples barely scratch the surface of the irrationality I face whenever I see her and my that father faces everyday. There are smaller, less noticeable patterns in her everyday habits. We are practically desperate. I fear for her, not knowing what the medication she takes combined with the stress she creates for herself will do to her. She’s slowly estranging herself from the rest of the family with her ways. My father and I are the only ones who know the extent of her problems and stick with her since we know she doesn’t really understand what she does.
So I’m writing to ask, what can I do? Legally? Morally? She loves and listens to me, but I’m afraid she only hears what she wants, and much of my advice is twisted until it supports her irrational judgments.
Thanks so much for reading my lengthy post! I hope someone out there can offer me some help or advice.
I am writing to seek some help in deciding what, if anything, I can do to help my mother. She is 60 and at a glance seems to be a wonderfully normal human being. Scratch beneath the surface however and you find a wealth of irrationality. The situation is complex, and so I’ll do my best to explain it in a way that makes sense and as briefly as possible (brief is not my strong suit
). The first thing you might notice that would key you in to what I am talking about is the clutter that exists in our house. My mother has a very hard time disposing of anything. She saves second hand clothes, plastic containers, cancelled checks, furniture, you name it. She does not have a hard time giving it away if she thinks it will be put to good use, but there are not many people who want what she saves, and so she has a hard time even giving much of anything away. It has become a running joke in our family (sadly) that you take anything she offers, since that’s the only way it will get out of our house.
A second trait that is easily observable is her obsession with illness, death and medication. She is convinced she has very bad asthma, and I have little doubt she does have it, but the way she handles it is irrational. She sees, on average, five doctors a week, who each prescribe her a few different medications. She’s on several inhalers, uses a nebulizer at night, sleeps with a sleep apnea machine on, takes steroids, high blood pressure medication, acid reflux medication, medication for depression, and self-medicates with herbal remedies she hears about on TV as well. While I believe she may need some of these medications, the exuberance with which she runs to the doctor with a new diagnosis of herself on a regular basis is disturbing.
Another trait that is less obvious is her obsession with clipping and using coupons. She clips every coupon she can find and appears unable to resist using them. She thousands a year on dry cleaning, since she gets 20% off every time, and much of the house is littered with cans, jars, and boxes of non-perishables that she buys simply because she can get a half dollar off of it. She scans circulars for deals, and when something is on sale and she has a coupon she runs to buy it. Her and my father live alone, and I would estimate she spends a few hundred dollars a week on groceries.
She also has a level of irrational judgment when it comes to her home. In the last few months, she replaced the floors (they creaked), the attic AC unit (apparently she’s allergic to ozone now and had to have it changed) the furnace in the basement (it was leaking incredible amounts of carbon monoxide –yet the detectors were silent). She also hires cleaning people to help her change drapes, organize her clothes and do random things around the house. The worst of it was when she hired a handyman a few years ago to do odd jobs. He began by telling her small jobs needed to be done like tarring the driveways, and painting the house’s foundation and chimney. He then moved onto bigger jobs, like cleaning the crawlspace out in the basement, and culminated in telling her all the pipes needed to be replaced. He insisted he needed the money immediately. She called me panicking because the ATM would only let her withdraw $300 and he said he needed more. She got him another $2K the next day, and, needless to say perhaps, had to take him to court when he took off and is still paying her back $100 a month today.
Finally, she was a teacher for over 30 years at the same school. Last year the school threatened to take legal action if she did not retire, due to her irrationality compromising her ability to do her job. Thankfully the union was able to convince her to leave her job and take her pension before the case made it to court. While she enjoys retirement, I’m afraid it is affording her the time and energy to increase her commitment to her other irrational habits and spend money that she’s quickly running out of.
These examples barely scratch the surface of the irrationality I face whenever I see her and my that father faces everyday. There are smaller, less noticeable patterns in her everyday habits. We are practically desperate. I fear for her, not knowing what the medication she takes combined with the stress she creates for herself will do to her. She’s slowly estranging herself from the rest of the family with her ways. My father and I are the only ones who know the extent of her problems and stick with her since we know she doesn’t really understand what she does.
So I’m writing to ask, what can I do? Legally? Morally? She loves and listens to me, but I’m afraid she only hears what she wants, and much of my advice is twisted until it supports her irrational judgments.
Thanks so much for reading my lengthy post! I hope someone out there can offer me some help or advice.
