Am in dire need of a kind spirit to assist!

[Leann]

What is the name of your state? New Mexico

Greetings from the Land of Enchantment - am a 32 year old female that have two wonderful children from a previous relationship that didn't mature in marriage for 10 years - been separated from him for over 4 years and now living on my own and building my confidence of being a good mother to my children - however, for the previous 4 years - he didn't provide much in way of support for his children - for the past year - he has made an effort to be a part of their lives by providing sporadic support and given sporadic visitaton to his children - not ordered from a court of law - my problem is very complicated and I need some advice from someone that has been there and done this type of situation - I am currently seeing someone and it's getting very serious and now my ex-boyfriend/father of my children demands that I get background checks on my fiancee and if I don't - he can either be very violent or very vendictive and controlling of me - since he has been assisting with some child support - what is my rights in regard to this matter - does he have a right to demand me to do what he wants - he threatens court action if I don't bow to his whims - while his past isn't that great either - my children are my world and I am deeply in crisis of not knowing what my rights are concerning my children - since I have been taking care of them for the past 4 years on my own. Someone please respond with kindness and compassion concerning this matter of great concern to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this monsterous problem I currently face here in New Mexico. Blessings to you - all!! Leann

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by Leann

What is the name of your state? New Mexico

Greetings from the Land of Enchantment - am a 32 year old female that have two wonderful children from a previous relationship that didn't mature in marriage for 10 years - been separated from him for over 4 years and now living on my own and building my confidence of being a good mother to my children - however, for the previous 4 years - he didn't provide much in way of support for his children - for the past year - he has made an effort to be a part of their lives by providing sporadic support and given sporadic visitaton to his children - not ordered from a court of law - my problem is very complicated and I need some advice from someone that has been there and done this type of situation - I am currently seeing someone and it's getting very serious and now my ex-boyfriend/father of my children demands that I get background checks on my fiancee and if I don't - he can either be very violent or very vendictive and controlling of me - since he has been assisting with some child support - what is my rights in regard to this matter - does he have a right to demand me to do what he wants - he threatens court action if I don't bow to his whims - while his past isn't that great either - my children are my world and I am deeply in crisis of not knowing what my rights are concerning my children - since I have been taking care of them for the past 4 years on my own. Someone please respond with kindness and compassion concerning this matter of great concern to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this monsterous problem I currently face here in New Mexico. Blessings to you - all!! Leann

First the standard questions that need answered:
Was dad adjudicated to be the father?
Is there a court order for support or visitation?
How d oyou know boyfriend is the father legally? Or is this just something you know?
Answer those questions.
And anyone can take anyone to court for anything. Does he have a chance of winning? Based on what you said not likely. Unless fiancee is a child molestor or what not.
your ex can only control you if you let him.But answer the questions I asked.

I don't want to say anything wrong here, but....

If Bio-dad wants a background check on this guy....why can't you tell him to do it himself if he is so concerned?

[Leann]

Thank you for responding Ohiogal - father only signed papers in hospital of acknowledgement of paternity in CA and AZ.

No court order of any kind.

Current fiancee does have a checkered past but no child molestor - I will kill anyone that would harm my children - especially being a victim of molestation as a child. This I am postitive of since I have screened his background check - myself.

[AHA]

Originally Posted by Leann

This I am postitive of since I have screened his background check - myself.

If you already have a background check done of your new bf, why not share it with the father of the kids, if that's his only demand for not taking you to court?

Originally Posted by AHA

If you already have a background check done of your new bf, why not share it with the father of the kids, if that's his only demand for not taking you to court?

I agree...

Now, I'm getting confused.

[Leann]

I believe that his only mission is to find dirt and either stop my relationship - so that he may continue to control me or use that dirt to harm in a court of law whereas; I may lose my children because my fiancee wasn't perfect in his life when he was young - over 27 years ago - he was a very angry young man and at 16 - coming from an environment of physical, mental and emotional abuse from his mother - he raped a woman and paid for it - yet, I feel that if I share this information with my ex-boyfriend, father to my children - he will attempt to destroy my relationship with my fiancee, or my children whom love my fiancee or simply try to destroy my character before a court of law that I am unfit as a mother -- please don't be confused - I need some guidance from people that have had some aspect of this issue of great concern and stress on myself, my children and my fiancee -- I don't believe he should be condemned all over again for his past errors in life.
Help!!

[ceara19]

Originally Posted by Leann

I believe that his only mission is to find dirt and either stop my relationship - so that he may continue to control me or use that dirt to harm in a court of law whereas; I may lose my children because my fiancee wasn't perfect in his life when he was young - over 27 years ago - he was a very angry young man and at 16 - coming from an environment of physical, mental and emotional abuse from his mother - he raped a woman and paid for it - yet, I feel that if I share this information with my ex-boyfriend, father to my children - he will attempt to destroy my relationship with my fiancee, or my children whom love my fiancee or simply try to destroy my character before a court of law that I am unfit as a mother -- please don't be confused - I need some guidance from people that have had some aspect of this issue of great concern and stress on myself, my children and my fiancee -- I don't believe he should be condemned all over again for his past errors in life.
Help!!

If he's kept his nose clean for the past 27 years, it shouldn't be that big of an issue. However, he was convicted of (or plead guilty to) a very serious violent crime, there is the POSSIBILITY that a judge may share your ex's concern. That still would not make you an unfit mother, but you may have to choose between your kids and your fiance.

There is probably no reason to worry about "what if" at this point. The father has done nothing for 4 YEARS. That does not help his case. However, as a parent, I understand.

Since this would be decided at the judges discretion, a consultation with a local family attorney (experienced with the court that would be hearing your case) could calm your fears and give you a great deal of insight as to how the judge generally views this type of issue.