Best way to survive an appearance in court??

[RYANSTEELE]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Cali.

Hi anyone,
It's been awhile but here I am again, new password in hand and ready to poke around in the hope of finding something valuable to use in my divorce war(year 5)
If anyone gets this and posts a reply??... thanks in advance.
I will be in court tomorrow morning for a custody hearing and possibly?? support hearing in the afternoon.
I am convinced that my ex has stuck her neck out too far this time.
Our judgement was issued in October 2007. It was followed by a support hearing a year later resulting in payments to my ex. The payments lasted 4 months during which time I enforced my custody rights and the payments stopped. My ex wife responded to the enforcement with a campaign of harassment. I have 2 police reports from nights when my ex picked our daughter up from activities(parties) and took her back to her house in violation of the custody schedule and my rights. Her harassment of our daughter and myself during my custody(constant phone calls checking times, abusive text messages to me) resulted in a visit to my home by the local police after calls from my ex saying she was extremely worried about the safety of her daughter and stating that I had no idea where our daughter was. Our daughter had been in bed for about 30 mins but the officers asked to talk to her and after they realised everything was O.K. they left. I asked them to file some kind of a report that I could produce in court but they didn't want to get involved.
This mess has had a negative effect on our 14 year old daughter and she finished her first year of high school with straight F's
Summer school was required and my ex offered to let our daughter stay with her for the 6 week period because the school was on the way to her office. That way our daughter could get dolled up with her expensive clothes and cruise to school in the new BMW( I ride a motorcycle, an old one not a cool one, and although it was no problem in the beginning now my daughter is embarassed to ride with me????)
During the 6 week period my ex arranged to drop our daughter off at my house but did the no show routine again and I folded and let the 6 weeks slide by without enforcing my custody.
THEN THE TRICK WAS REVEALED.
I was in the middle of moving when I heard that a lady was looking for me and a week later I was served papers for a modification of custody followed by support hearing. The lady that served me was a charming old girl and after we had a little laugh about me moving from house to house to evade her she said goodbye then she said , "and good luck with that one" and made one of those exaggerated jaw drop faces. She said she had glanced through the FL-300 when she was stopped in traffic or red lights and she could only imagine what kind of a maniac this person was. When I read the contents I could not believe it myself. Almost everything is false, it is the distorted image of the way my ex see's me. The statements can be easily rebutted but there is a bigger problem because there is no mention of a major change in circumstances that would warrant the change being granted. My ex says she wants %90 to %100 legal and physical custody and $500 a month.
Sorry for the amount of info but I think I can cut to the chase now..
I have some serious thinking and some weighty decisions to make in the near future and it will be driven by the performance of our daughter when she returns to school but right now I want to appear for the hearing and see the judge deny the changes because there is no basis for it. Having said that I always find court appearances very emotionally distressing and feel that there is always the horrifying prospect of things going terribly wrong in a blink of an eye(obviously I am not represented by an attorney, I couldn't find one that had any interest in a '96 Suzuki)
Is there a way to skate through? Is honesty the best policy? Can I simply answer the obvious questions and hope that the judge likes me?
And is there a gigantic hole in the road ahead waiting to swallow me up based on the second episode of me allowing her to take over all of the custody??

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Cali.


Our judgement was issued in October 2007. It was followed by a support hearing a year later resulting in payments to my ex. The payments lasted 4 months during which time I enforced my custody rights and the payments stopped.

Stopped by the court, yes?

My ex wife responded to the enforcement with a campaign of harassment. I have 2 police reports from nights when my ex picked our daughter up from activities(parties) and took her back to her house in violation of the custody schedule and my rights.

What does your custody order actually address?

Her harassment of our daughter and myself during my custody(constant phone calls checking times, abusive text messages to me) resulted in a visit to my home by the local police after calls from my ex saying she was extremely worried about the safety of her daughter and stating that I had no idea where our daughter was. Our daughter had been in bed for about 30 mins but the officers asked to talk to her and after they realised everything was O.K. they left. I asked them to file some kind of a report that I could produce in court but they didn't want to get involved.

Can you prove that Mom wasn't genuinely concerned?

This mess has had a negative effect on our 14 year old daughter and she finished her first year of high school with straight F's

The custodial parent is going to bear a lot of the blame for this one (should blame be apportioned)

Summer school was required and my ex offered to let our daughter stay with her for the 6 week period because the school was on the way to her office. That way our daughter could get dolled up with her expensive clothes and cruise to school in the new BMW( I ride a motorcycle, an old one not a cool one, and although it was no problem in the beginning now my daughter is embarassed to ride with me????)

Not relevant.

During the 6 week period my ex arranged to drop our daughter off at my house but did the no show routine again and I folded and let the 6 weeks slide by without enforcing my custody.

Your choice - you did not have to allow that.

THEN THE TRICK WAS REVEALED.
I was in the middle of moving when I heard that a lady was looking for me and a week later I was served papers for a modification of custody followed by support hearing. The lady that served me was a charming old girl and after we had a little laugh about me moving from house to house to evade her she said goodbye then she said , "and good luck with that one" and made one of those exaggerated jaw drop faces. She said she had glanced through the FL-300 when she was stopped in traffic or red lights and she could only imagine what kind of a maniac this person was. When I read the contents I could not believe it myself. Almost everything is false, it is the distorted image of the way my ex see's me. The statements can be easily rebutted but there is a bigger problem because there is no mention of a major change in circumstances that would warrant the change being granted. My ex says she wants %90 to %100 legal and physical custody and $500 a month.

Mom is allowed to file for custody and child support.

What's the nature of the allegations?

Sorry for the amount of info but I think I can cut to the chase now..
I have some serious thinking and some weighty decisions to make in the near future and it will be driven by the performance of our daughter when she returns to school but right now I want to appear for the hearing and see the judge deny the changes because there is no basis for it.

No one can possibly comment unless you actually tell us what your ex is alleging and how she is justifying modification

Having said that I always find court appearances very emotionally distressing and feel that there is always the horrifying prospect of things going terribly wrong in a blink of an eye(obviously I am not represented by an attorney, I couldn't find one that had any interest in a '96 Suzuki)
Is there a way to skate through? Is honesty the best policy? Can I simply answer the obvious questions and hope that the judge likes me?
And is there a gigantic hole in the road ahead waiting to swallow me up based on the second episode of me allowing her to take over all of the custody??

Again nobody can guess the result - we need to know what exactly Mom is saying and how she and you intend to prove and disprove the points.

(and yes, of course honesty is the best policy!)

 

[RYANSTEELE]

Thanks and here's what happened

Thanks,
Basics: We have a joint custody 50/50 FINAL judgment, Oct 2007.

Mom continues to rage against Dad with absolutely no regard for anything else.

Mom filed show cause paperwork listing untrue statements regarding where I live, non payment of legitimate expenses, lack of communication, bad parenting etc. She asked for full custody, physical, 95% to 100%, and $500 a month. A great deal of her statements were contradictory, vague, and simply personal opinions. None of the contents could be considered the major change needed to alter the original judgement.

Example #1: "He never answers his phone"
Fact: She has not called me since June. She has our daughter call me and talks to her. She has blocked any numbers of mine from calling her sometimes for up to 6 months, including systematically blocking my girlfriends number, her daughters numbers etc. to the point where I had to call our daughters friends and ask them to call our daughter and get her to call me. I am very uncomfortable with these calls and yesterday told our daughter that I wasn't going to allow this anymore because it wasn't fair to her. She immediately agreed.
Example #2: "I just learned he has moved over 10 miles away to the other side of town, he used to live across from the high school and my daughter could go over there after school any time she wanted, WHO'S GOING TO WATCH HER NOW, I work nine hours a day and I don't finish until 5:00 pm"

Fact: Yahoo maps.com printout. Moved 4.3 miles. Now situated slap bang in the middle of the community and STILL WITHIN the regional boundaries that allow our daughter to attend her High School. Mom moved about 3 miles, away and across the border into the next town, OUTSIDE the regional boundaries. How can it be in our daughters best interests to award custody to Mom then have our daughter kicked out of her High School?? It basically attacks the core needs of our daughter, her school, her friends, and possibly her neighborhood.

Relevant thing to note: I have come to learn that I am basically a narcissist and can often come across as conceited and arrogant. When in the right and attacked as above I tend to adopt an attitude that says, bring it on, no matter what you've got you can't hurt me, I am ultimately, spiritually in the right so try to hurt me while I laugh at your ignorance. Due to the damaging effect on me and those around me I intend to fix this personal trait.

Yesterday in court: Sent immediately to mediation. Mom requested separate sessions and goes first. In less than 15 mins I had with the mediator she said she was sending us back to court, the judge would make the call, and as long as I repeated the things I had told her there was nothing to worry about. I asked for compliance with the original judgment. One thing I would l like input on is this, the mediator first talked about an attorney ONLY for our daughter, but it seemed like she dropped that idea?

On returning to court the judge quickly stated that, unfortunately we weren't able to settle this in mediation, this required a little more time, ordered to return in 2 weeks.

Additional responses to posted questions:

The payments were stopped by the court. We were initially ordered to return 2 months later and I was able to show 40% custody and climbing despite the fact that Mom still took any opportunity to make things difficult.
The 2 police reports and the harassment started shortly after that(as I write this the imaginary light bulb above my head illuminates and once again it's so clear that it's all about the money).
Interestingly Mom has done well in the corporate world and her income has increased dramatically, the judge made note that he was calling a special ruling and not awarding support to me??? (ouch!! didn't hurt a bit! do it again...LOL)

Mom was not genuinely concerned about our daughters safety on the night she tried to create the problem with the police. Every parent knows that horrible feeling, you go out of your mind, you call every friend who's number you ever got, you drive all over town erratically from one end to the other....she sat outside my townhouse, waiting for the police to arrive, hoping that our daughter wasn't home yet(there was a chance this could have happened), our daughter had turned her phone off(bad) when she couldn't stand the constant calls anymore(can you blame her)

I asked the police to file some kind of report for trespassing, harassment, wasting police time or anything just as long as it was documented but the officer in charge told me there was nothing he could do while the expression on his face told me he was controlling his anger, he was pissed!! best left alone at that moment in time.

I hope this answers some of your questions. Thank you so much for your input. I am looking forward to any comments, casual, critical, or invaluable and I will keep all of you posted on how this all develops. Stay tuned for Sep. 23rd, and the next episode of..
"The Monster from the Black Lagoon" or
"How I underestimated my ex and got my clock cleaned"

Cheers,
Steve

 

[Proserpina]

Thanks,
Basics: We have a joint custody 50/50 FINAL judgment, Oct 2007.

Mom continues to rage against Dad with absolutely no regard for anything else.

Alas, not uncommon.

A great deal of her statements were contradictory, vague, and simply personal opinions. None of the contents could be considered the major change needed to alter the original judgement.

Example #1: "He never answers his phone"
Fact: She has not called me since June. She has our daughter call me and talks to her. She has blocked any numbers of mine from calling her sometimes for up to 6 months, including systematically blocking my girlfriends number, her daughters numbers etc. to the point where I had to call our daughters friends and ask them to call our daughter and get her to call me. I am very uncomfortable with these calls and yesterday told our daughter that I wasn't going to allow this anymore because it wasn't fair to her. She immediately agreed.

Buying daughter a cheap pre-paid cell phone would solve this one very easily.

Example #2: "I just learned he has moved over 10 miles away to the other side of town, he used to live across from the high school and my daughter could go over there after school any time she wanted, WHO'S GOING TO WATCH HER NOW, I work nine hours a day and I don't finish until 5:00 pm"

Fact: Yahoo maps.com printout. Moved 4.3 miles. Now situated slap bang in the middle of the community and STILL WITHIN the regional boundaries that allow our daughter to attend her High School. Mom moved about 3 miles, away and across the border into the next town, OUTSIDE the regional boundaries. How can it be in our daughters best interests to award custody to Mom then have our daughter kicked out of her High School?? It basically attacks the core needs of our daughter, her school, her friends, and possibly her neighborhood.

Even if it is 10 miles away Mom is being unreasonable here.

Relevant thing to note: I have come to learn that I am basically a narcissist and can often come across as conceited and arrogant. When in the right and attacked as above I tend to adopt an attitude that says, bring it on, no matter what you've got you can't hurt me, I am ultimately, spiritually in the right so try to hurt me while I laugh at your ignorance. Due to the damaging effect on me and those around me I intend to fix this personal trait.

Um.....okay**************there also appears to be a slight case of irrelevant-itis.

Yesterday in court: Sent immediately to mediation. Mom requested separate sessions and goes first. In less than 15 mins I had with the mediator she said she was sending us back to court, the judge would make the call, and as long as I repeated the things I had told her there was nothing to worry about. I asked for compliance with the original judgment. One thing I would l like input on is this, the mediator first talked about an attorney ONLY for our daughter, but it seemed like she dropped that idea?

You can still request a GAL (guardian ad litem - a person, often an attorney, who advocates for the child).

On returning to court the judge quickly stated that, unfortunately we weren't able to settle this in mediation, this required a little more time, ordered to return in 2 weeks.

Get your ducks lined up and in order.

Additional responses to posted questions:

The payments were stopped by the court.

Good - I was concerned about that one.

We were initially ordered to return 2 months later and I was able to show 40% custody and climbing despite the fact that Mom still took any opportunity to make things difficult.
The 2 police reports and the harassment started shortly after that(as I write this the imaginary light bulb above my head illuminates and once again it's so clear that it's all about the money).
Interestingly Mom has done well in the corporate world and her income has increased dramatically, the judge made note that he was calling a special ruling and not awarding support to me??? (ouch!! didn't hurt a bit! do it again...LOL)

Not entirely sure where you're going with this one; I'm not convinced Mom is actually guilty of harassment.

Mom was not genuinely concerned about our daughters safety on the night she tried to create the problem with the police. Every parent knows that horrible feeling, you go out of your mind, you call every friend who's number you ever got, you drive all over town erratically from one end to the other

Hold it. You can't conclude that Mom wasn't genuinely concerned based on this paragraph; people do respond differently to stressors, and it's more than feasible that Mom's coping mechanism (or lack thereof whichever is more appropriate) is simply different to yours.

....she sat outside my townhouse, waiting for the police to arrive, hoping that our daughter wasn't home yet(there was a chance this could have happened), our daughter had turned her phone off(bad) when she couldn't stand the constant calls anymore(can you blame her)

There is a chance this could actually be in Mom's favor - she was very concerned, couldn't reach daughter to be reassured and started to panic....see where I'm going with this?

I asked the police to file some kind of report for trespassing, harassment, wasting police time or anything just as long as it was documented but the officer in charge told me there was nothing he could do while the expression on his face told me he was controlling his anger, he was pissed!! best left alone at that moment in time.

Hold it once more. There is no way you can know what the officer was feeling...you can assume, yes, but your perception may not be accurate. As for you wanting to make a formal complaint or see that charges are pressed you're really, seriously reaching...but the point is moot anyway.

I hope this answers some of your questions. Thank you so much for your input. I am looking forward to any comments, casual, critical, or invaluable and I will keep all of you posted on how this all develops. Stay tuned for Sep. 23rd, and the next episode of..
"The Monster from the Black Lagoon" or
"How I underestimated my ex and got my clock cleaned"

OK you do get bonus points for that one, though I'm tempted to bill you for the cost of the paper towels I had to use after snorkling cola all over the monitor.

 

[RYANSTEELE]

Many thanks to all for great comments

Hi and thanks for the generous amount of interest. Every single comment helps me. When I read them I hear the voice of the poster and then I can see what it looks like to them from the outside.

I definitely need advice before I head in to court on regarding what to ask for. It may be silly to think that I have a good case but I am optomistic. The core issue for me, well all of us(the family) is how to correct the disastrous start our daughter had in High School. Our daughter is capable of good grades and going on to college but last year she got straight F's and was kicked of the cheerleading squad because of missing assignments and refusing to suit up for gym.

I won't beat around the bush here so please believe me when I tell you that Mom put our daughter on the cheerleading team, Mom gets her the best clothes from the most expensive stores, Mom is almost incapable of helping with assignments, Moms strategy for dealing with problems is loud abusive conflict.

Our daughters best chance for improvement is to work one on one with me which means weekends with Mom. Mom has an active social life and will not agree to this at all(I tried)

I appreciate any ideas or advice. and will gladly elaborate in detail if needed.

Cheers

 

[LdiJ]

Hi and thanks for the generous amount of interest. Every single comment helps me. When I read them I hear the voice of the poster and then I can see what it looks like to them from the outside.

I definitely need advice before I head in to court on regarding what to ask for. It may be silly to think that I have a good case but I am optomistic. The core issue for me, well all of us(the family) is how to correct the disastrous start our daughter had in High School. Our daughter is capable of good grades and going on to college but last year she got straight F's and was kicked of the cheerleading squad because of missing assignments and refusing to suit up for gym.

I won't beat around the bush here so please believe me when I tell you that Mom put our daughter on the cheerleading team, Mom gets her the best clothes from the most expensive stores, Mom is almost incapable of helping with assignments, Moms strategy for dealing with problems is loud abusive conflict.

Our daughters best chance for improvement is to work one on one with me which means weekends with Mom. Mom has an active social life and will not agree to this at all(I tried)

I appreciate any ideas or advice. and will gladly elaborate in detail if needed.

Cheers

Dad, if you have 50/50 time and your daughter got straight Fs its just as much your fault as mom's. Unless you have direct proof that your daughter always did her homework and turned in her assignments on your time, but didn't on mom's, you will get no where with the argument that the child should spend the week with you and weekends with mom.

I am glad that you admit that you are narcissitic, because you do come across that way. You make everything about "you"...and everything a plot against "you".

That will absolutely not help you in court. You need to focus clearly on what you believe is in your child's best interest, and solid reasons/proof why, and take it from there.

It sounds to me like the end result should be that 50/50 custody is maintained and that you strictly enforce your parenting time.

 

[stealth2]

The core issue for me, well all of us(the family) is how to correct the disastrous start our daughter had in High School. Our daughter is capable of good grades and going on to college but last year she got straight F's and was kicked of the cheerleading squad because of missing assignments and refusing to suit up for gym.

I won't beat around the bush here so please believe me when I tell you that Mom put our daughter on the cheerleading team, Mom gets her the best clothes from the most expensive stores, Mom is almost incapable of helping with assignments, Moms strategy for dealing with problems is loud abusive conflict.

Our daughters best chance for improvement is to work one on one with me which means weekends with Mom. Mom has an active social life and will not agree to this at all(I tried)

Actually, since your daughter is capable (according to you) of getting good grades, sitting one on one with either of you isn't going to solve the problem. BTDT. You can help her do her work - you can't make her hand it in. Nor can you make her dress for PE.

My oldest is very bright, but pulled the not handing in homework card all the time. His only saving grace was he actually did know the subject matter and could ace tests w/o studying. I rode him for two years. Last year (as a Junior), I stopped. Painful as it was, because I knew all too well what an important year it was for him wrt college. Man, was that a wake-up call for him. His missing assignments left him with grades he wasn't proud of (again, saving grace was tests and weighting of AP classes). But he learned a lesson. So far, he's showing a lot of responsibility both with the summer work he had to do and now with his regular classwork. He's more serious, he's more organized, and he's doing his work w/o my having to even mention it. Best of all, he thanked me for letting him learn the hard way.

A strategy you may want to use with your daughter is to talk to her about what her future plans and aspirations are. Maybe her classes are stuff she has no interest or use for. Or maybe she simply doesn't realize the importance those grades can be. Once she knows where she wants to end up, she may well figure out how she needs to get there.