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Father with Alzheimers and anger management issues.

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MattM1965

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama.

My father who has Alzheimers is becoming increasingly angry and verbally abusive to my mother who is blind and completely dependent on him. I am their youngest son at 50. They are in their 80s. My mother requested that I live with them because she is afraid and wanted me here to help them with things they can no longer do. My father resents me being here and refuses to accept that he needs help. He gets verbally abusive when he forgets or can't find things when I am asked to help by my mother. I have recently had to leave my job due to ongoing medical issues so when he gets angry his threat to me is I am welcome to leave any time knowing full well I have nowhere to go. I am afraid for my mother's safety as well as my own. He has access to a firearm and although has never used it in a threatening manner I fear as time goes on his violent nature will escalate. I would like to know what steps I could take for myself and my mother to address our safety concerns. We can't afford to hire a lawyer and I don't want to be thrust into making decisions in the middle of the night calling the Sheriffs Department with a pistol in my face. My questions are: Can he make me leave by threat or gunpoint since it is his house. Can I have him arrested for threatening me with bodily harm in his own house. Can I have him removed from his premises because I fear he will harm me or my mother. What legal issues are there to have him declared unfit and transfer ownership of the home to my mother. What legal issues are involved in removing his access to bank accounts, savings, etc, to protect my mother from financial ruin. I am fully aware there will be no easy answers and am just looking for general advice. Thank you.
 


commentator

Senior Member
Check out www.ElderRage.com or the book Elder Rage by Jacqueline Marcell. This person went through something similar with her elderly parents and I found her work to be very helpful in dealing with my elder rage situation. She provides many resources and suggestions. I completely agree. The time to begin reaching out is NOT when your father has a gun in your face.

In your situation, my first question is: Has your father actually received a diagnosis for Alzheimer's from his physician or is he just really hard to get along with? If he is in actual dementia, and your mother is living with him and he is her sole caregiver (besides you) what does their physician think about this situation? That is usually the first outside watcher who will pick up on it if a family needs more help with eldercare issues.

Also very important, what about your siblings? Where are they on the subject of your father's memory problems/abuse, etc. and your mother's need for control of the assets? You need to get them involved if at all possible.

It sounds like he is still pretty autonomous, driving, taking care of the house? Because he's getting angry when you try to help isn't necessarily a sign of dementia, nor is forgetting things or being verbally abusive. Mean people get old too, with or without dementia.

Talk to legal aide in your area if you cannot afford a lawyer. They have a lot of material about elder care and the law. Be Very Careful about this idea of declaring your father incompetent and getting everything put in your mother's name. Since, as you say, you are out of a job and have no place else to go, and it might be seen as self serving that you're trying to move yourself into a position of more control over your parents assets, you must make sure you do this legally and with the full cooperation of the agreement of the courts and in the strictest legal sense. Adult Protective Services may get involved and you end up out of the equation (and the house) and they get a guardian appointed by the courts to manage their assets if there is no one else in the family willing and able to do it.
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Xylene is right. Also contact your Senior Citizens Center (most communities have one) as they may have some resources to suggest.

If I were in your shoes (and actually, I am, although we're not to the anger stage yet), I would also call his doctor first thing. I assume he sees a neurologist - he may need an adjustment to his meds and/or dosages. While this is a relatively normal/predictable progression of his disease, it can be eased/tempered with the right meds.

Another great resource is alz.org (run by the Alzeihemer's Association). Lots of information to be had, both for the patient and caregivers, as well as some very supportive boards to post on.

Try to keep things as predictable as possible, both in terms of daily routine and where things are normally kept. Just as it likely helps your Mom to know where to find something, so too, it does him. Imagine how frustrating - and frightening it must be for him to literally be losing his mind. The fear is where the anger and lashing out come from.

What support do YOU have? Do your siblings help at all? Would they be willing to provide any respite for you? If not, your parents may be eligible for some aid through Medicare to give you a break.

Good luck - your parents are lucky to have you. Deep down, your Dad knows that. ;)

P.S. Some great advice from commentator, too! I'm going to look into that book.
 
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single317dad

Senior Member
My father who has Alzheimers [...] Can I have him arrested for threatening me with bodily harm in his own house. Can I have him removed from his premises because I fear he will harm me or my mother. What legal issues are there to have him declared unfit and transfer ownership of the home to my mother. What legal issues are involved in removing his access to bank accounts, savings, etc, to protect my mother from financial ruin.
That these are your questions with no mention of "how can I help him to cope with this terrible disease that is eating his mind?" is quite telling to me.

You need a whole new attitude if you're going to enjoy any of the time your father has left on this Earth.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
commentator makes some good points regarding the assets and your position. And your siblings. I tread very carefully in that regard, as my sibling is the one who resents my "involvement" in this situation. But since they live with me..... Not sure what the expectation was. Of course, my sibling is also in complete denial that there is anything wrong.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
That these are your questions with no mention of "how can I help him to cope with this terrible disease that is eating his mind?" is quite telling to me.

You need a whole new attitude if you're going to enjoy any of the time your father has left on this Earth.
While I agree, singledad, it is so much easier said than done.

I was at the supermarket yesterday (and in a rush, if I might add), when I was approached by an older lady. It became quickly clear that she had cognitive issues, so I helped her as I could, chatted with her, steered her back to her husband. As I finally extricated myself, I marveled at how much easier it is to remain patient with a stranger than with my own.

When you are living in the situation, especially with another dependent person in the mix, your own mind doesn't always work rationally. Besides, as we so often tell posters - this is a legal site, not one for support. OP has been steered to support avenues. Don't assume he's not concerned about how to help Dad, but he also has Mom and her safety/financial security to consider.
 

commentator

Senior Member
And I in no way discount that he may very well be dealing with a very mean person who has just gotten old, has always been difficult.
They're out there. There are those parents who even deep down don't give a hoot if they're giving you a lot of trouble and being unreasonable, selfish and abusive to their spouse and children. They never did! You're not going to go into their golden years with a whole lot of happy experiences and good memories and aren't likely to have a whole lot more.

But the caregiving issues must still be dealt with. Lots of times in a family where there's a person like this, some of the siblings may have chosen to "cut off ties" with the parent due to their behavior. That's rougher for the one who stays involved.

And aging and dementia sometimes go in wildly varying directions as far as how the person reacts to their condition. They may totally have a personality change, or they may just become "more so" the way they've always been. What to pray for= pleasant dementia. Look it up!

But I would definitely have his doctor involved and have a good established observation and ball park diagnosis of dementia of some type before I sought much assistance from the local law enforcement community. In the present situation, it's entirely possible that the son calls the police, and he's the one who gets hauled off for domestic violence, or removed from the house. Sometimes even in the early stages of dementia, the elder can turn on and off the undesirable behaviors for a while, change gears and be very convincing.

There should be a local Council on Aging in your area. Check the yellow pages for your area on line. They will be able to guide you and will have helpful materials for you about all sorts of issues with caring for your parents.
 
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MattM1965

Junior Member
I want to thank everyone for the advice. To answer some of your questions: Yes he has been diagnosed and is under a doctor's care and on medication. He personally doesn't think anything is wrong with him and that his doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. He angrily hides everything and I don't know if he takes his medication or acts like he does and throws it away. I have an older brother and sister that want no part of helping me care for my parents. My father has been abusive and a control freak all his life. My mother is from old school marriage and she pretty much ignored what went on in the family. She had always been a housewife and was terrified of the thought going through a divorce so she made excuses for him. They were never very nice to me either but I evidently inherited all the compassion in the family. My father has run everyone else off and if it weren't for me they would have no one. My mother is frightened and alone in the darkness of blindness and I can't leave her to face this alone. It's beginning the long downward spiral out of control and I just don't know what to do. You all gave me some very good ideas and places to start. Wish me luck.
 

commentator

Senior Member
You very much need to read Elder Rage, based on what you've shared. It is VERY helpful. Best wishes to you in your journey.
 

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