Father with dementia

[kenh1967]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Wisconsin

Sorry for yet another thread, but I have a similar problem to one described in an existing thread ("Father with Alzheimers and anger management issues"). I did not want to highjack that thread, though. So, here goes:

Story: My father is in his mid-80’s and has led a mostly healthy life. He is stubborn and fiercely independent and has lived in a remote wooded area in northern Wisconsin since my parents were divorced 20 years ago. For the past ~15 years, his girlfriend (in her late 70s now) has lived with him. My three siblings and I all live out of state and visit him occasionally. We all love him and like his girlfriend—so no issues there. He is financially secure and owns his home. His girlfriend has been entirely dependent on him as she has no wealth or capability to generate income. She has two sons, but neither are involved in her life and one, in fact, is a liability as he has a history of crime as a drifter. She tends to give this son anything he asks for and he has repeatedly stolen from her. She just shrugs it off. She is becoming physically disabled with bad hips and now walks with a walker or cane.

My mom has just moved from Wisconsin to Florida into an assisted living facility. She is physically handicapped but doing well. She never remarried and is financially ok. I am her POA and my sister, who lives near her now, is a nurse and her medical POA.

Back to my father: He was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago. Each time I see him, his condition is significantly worse. He still remembers me, but does not recall much about my life or my wife and children any more. He is often confused and angry. He has become quite abusive lately as well. Similar to the discussion in the other thread, my dad has plenty of guns. With his growing confusion, I am not pleased to stay the night at his home any more for fear of him thinking that I am a night time burglar and shooting me.

His girlfriend has repeatedly asked me and my siblings to help. She wants house cleaning services, food delivery, transport to the doctor office, etc. We have tried, but my father refuses all our attempts to help. He absolutely wants to be left alone and will not move to any other place. He wants to live the rest of his life in that home. And he wants to remain independent.

One more part of the story is this: His girlfriend has recently began to push hard for my dad to marry her. She is understandably worried about her future should my dad die or be put in a memory care unit. She has no money or place to go. My dad has repeatedly told her that he will never remarry for years, but she has grown desperate lately. He has told her that she can live in the home after he is gone, but his will is very outdated (1995) and, as far as I know, does not mention this at all. Also, I do not think she would have enough income to live on and pay the bills and upkeep.

Problem: Recently, he had a kidney problem and was rushed to the hospital. After surgery, he is doing better and refused to be transported to a rehab facility. Instead, he went home. A Home Health caregiver was then sent to his home to continue the rehab, but she refused after arriving. Her claim was that the situation was not safe. As of today, I understand that Social Services is about to investigate.

Questions: So, my siblings and I are wondering what to do, if anything. I plan to visit in a couple of weeks and offer to become his Power of Attorney and begin to manage the finances and update his will according to his wishes. Also, my sister (the nurse) will offer to become his medical POA. Should he accept, this should help. But, I doubt he will accept...

One important note: I and my siblings are all financially secure. We do not want or need my father's estate-- it is his to spend as he wishes. We only want him to live his life as he wishes and hope that his girlfriend is taken care of somehow-- either via my dad or other. But, our father is our primary interest, she is secondary (as one would expect).

But, other concerns are:

1. What if he gets married? We all worry that his girlfriend will convince him somehow or get him on an alter while he is confused. If she manages this, then what? Or, can she claim “common law” now anyhow? If so, we worry that her son will show up, get involved and my dad’s fears will become reality with him walking off with his money. Can we somehow make my dad “un-marry-able”? We are not trying to force her out, but just trying to ensure my dad’s wishes are carried out. I actually had a stupid thought to see if my dad is willing to re-marry my mom. Then, the estate will clearly stay within the family and we can control how it is used going forward—even if it all ends up going to pay for his girlfriend’s care anyhow. Strange idea, eh?

2. And the other main concern is what to do with my dad. We are afraid that the Social worker will declare him unsafe and the State will begin to take action. Is this possible? And, if so, what happens? Do they first look for a family member like me or my siblings to step in, or does control stay with the State? Or the girlfriend?​

Sorry for the long rambling and thank you for reading this far. Any advice or input is welcomed.

Ken

 

[kenh1967]

update

After posting the above, I noticed a similar thread ("Father Diagnosed with Dementia - Girlfriends taking advantage") that was suggested by the website and read it. The suggestions there are applicable and useful. Again, sorry for a repeat thread.

One post suggested "Court Ordered Conservatorship". Didn't know about this and may be an option should my dad decline my offer to be his POA. I will look into this.

Ken

 

[justalayman]

If your father is deemed mentally incompetent he cannot assign a valid POA. You would have to seek a guardianship and/or conservatorship through the courts.

If he is deemed mentally competent you cannot force him to grant a POA nor will the courts grant you guardianship or conservatorship.


If your father is deemed mentally competent you cannot prevent him from getting married. If he is mentally incompetent he cannot agree to a marriage without a court being involved.


Getting your mother involved is a really bad idea for more reasons than I have time to post.

Girlfriend needs to realize she may have to find alternate accommodations. Given her issues and inabilities to take care of the issues she is seeking help for she might want to start looking really fast since as long as your father is capable of controlling his estate he is not obligated to provide any of the services she is seeking. Her welfare may be in jeopardy at some point and her only path may be to find accommodations elsewhere.

 

[commentator]

Do you have actual medical evidence of your father's dementia, has his physician given you a diagnosis?

Your father's girlfriend should have at least access to SSI, if she's in her late 70's. Doesn't she get social security retirement of some sort?

As long as your father is deemed able to express his wishes, and he refuses to let you become his POA, you can't render him "un-marry-able." He's still making his own decisions. Yes, it is entirely possible that the courts will step in and take control of the situation, particularly if he and the girlfriend get in a disagreement and law enforcement is involved or if there's another health crisis and social workers get involved. But as long as they are together and she is providing at least companionship, if not care, it's his choice. Why would his will not be valid even though it's outdated?

I agree with justalayman, very bad idea about remarriage to your mother. Are you thinking that the girlfriend's son might do something different if they were married? That remarriage to Mom idea sounds too strange and in all respects is a very bad idea. If he won't agree to anything else you reasonably suggest, why would he agree to that?

 

[Silverplum]

IF he has dementia, Dad cannot legally "update his will," as you'd like for him to do.

 

[kenh1967]

If your father is deemed mentally incompetent he cannot assign a valid POA. You would have to seek a guardianship and/or conservatorship through the courts.

If he is deemed mentally competent you cannot force him to grant a POA nor will the courts grant you guardianship or conservatorship.


If your father is deemed mentally competent you cannot prevent him from getting married. If he is mentally incompetent he cannot agree to a marriage without a court being involved.

As far as I know, he has not been deemed mentally incompetent. My dad gave my sister access to his medical records (HIPAA?) five years ago. Thus, she has been in contact with the doctor and knows that he has officially been diagnosed with dementia. He has been taking medicine that has some potential benefit with slowing down memory loss.

His recent hospital visit and social service involvement is what might change things. I believe it is possible that someone soon will deem him mentally incompetent.

Getting your mother involved is a really bad idea for more reasons than I have time to post.

Ok, understood.

Girlfriend needs to realize she may have to find alternate accommodations. Given her issues and inabilities to take care of the issues she is seeking help for she might want to start looking really fast since as long as your father is capable of controlling his estate he is not obligated to provide any of the services she is seeking. Her welfare may be in jeopardy at some point and her only path may be to find accommodations elsewhere.

Understood.

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[kenh1967]

IF he has dementia, Dad cannot legally "update his will," as you'd like for him to do.

He does have dementia, according to his doctor's diagnosis. The doctor was clear in that his diagnosis is "dementia", not "Alzheimer's" and described in detail his reasoning and conclusions. My father was also offered to be reviewed as a candidate for an experimental drug. My dad declined, though, and he was given a different typical medicine that has shown some benefit for resisting memory loss.

The diagnosis was about five years ago. Are you saying that my father has not had any right to his own legal representation or act on his own behalf during these past five years?

 

[justalayman]

Dementia would fall under the incompetence umbrella. Depending on the severity he may already be beyond able to make any legal decisions. Surely any legal decisions made from this point forward would surely be subject to review.

So to start with sis needs to have a talk with medical provider to get doctors opinion of dads condition and whether he is capable of making life and death decisions for himself. The doctor can give his opinion as to whether dad is capable of making legal decisions but it will require a court to actually make the ruling of whether he is or not.


Dementia is a blanket diagnosis. Something is causing the dementia. Alzheimer's is probably the most common cause of dementia but surely not the only cause.

Dementia is also not a specific diagnosis. Dementia refers to multiple symptoms with failing memory being among them.

 

[kenh1967]

Do you have actual medical evidence of your father's dementia, has his physician given you a diagnosis?

Yes, my sister has been in direct contact with his doctor, as well as has accompanied him on a visit once.

Your father's girlfriend should have at least access to SSI, if she's in her late 70's. Doesn't she get social security retirement of some sort?

She might very well have some sort of income, but I do not believe she worked enough in her lifetime to qualify for SSI. So, to be clear, I don't know her financial situation. But, I guess it would not be sufficient for her growing needs.

As long as your father is deemed able to express his wishes, and he refuses to let you become his POA, you can't render him "un-marry-able." He's still making his own decisions. Yes, it is entirely possible that the courts will step in and take control of the situation, particularly if he and the girlfriend get in a disagreement and law enforcement is involved or if there's another health crisis and social workers get involved. But as long as they are together and she is providing at least companionship, if not care, it's his choice.

Understood. I guess I am asking if there is anything I can and should do to prevent the courts from stepping in and taking control? Your feedback seems to indicate that there is not much I CAN do, but wait and hope for the best.

Why would his will not be valid even though it's outdated??

I do not think it is invalid. My thought is that he MIGHT want to update it to include any wishes he has with regards to his girlfriend. He signed the will in 1995. He did not meet her until ~2000.

I agree with justalayman, very bad idea about remarriage to your mother. Are you thinking that the girlfriend's son might do something different if they were married? That remarriage to Mom idea sounds too strange and in all respects is a very bad idea. If he won't agree to anything else you reasonably suggest, why would he agree to that?

Re-marriage thing: Understood. Very bad idea. Won't happen. Got it.

I am not thinking anything original regarding the girlfriend's son. I have never even met him. I am only trying to ensure that whatever my dad has wanted and still wants is put into effect. And, yes, my dad believes that this son will try to gain access to the home and funding as soon as he can. And, the girlfriend will give him whatever he wants.

At the end of the day, if my dad dies or gets put into a memory care unit and the girlfriend and her son disappear with the entire estate, it won't matter to me. This is not the point of my post and questions. The fundamental parts that I am trying to ensure happens are:

1. My dad lives at his home as long as possible.
2. He dies with dignity.
3. The girlfriend is taken care of exactly as my dad wishes.

My concerns are: The State steps in and disrupts the above. OR, the girlfriend marries him and the son steps in and does something to disrupt the above.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, my sister has been in direct contact with his doctor, as well as has accompanied him on a visit once.



She might very well have some sort of income, but I do not believe she worked enough in her lifetime to qualify for SSI. So, to be clear, I don't know her financial situation. But, I guess it would not be sufficient for her growing needs.



Understood. I guess I am asking if there is anything I can and should do to prevent the courts from stepping in and taking control? Your feedback seems to indicate that there is not much I CAN do, but wait and hope for the best.



I do not think it is invalid. My thought is that he MIGHT want to update it to include any wishes he has with regards to his girlfriend. He signed the will in 1995. He did not meet her until ~2000.



Re-marriage thing: Understood. Very bad idea. Won't happen. Got it.

I am not thinking anything original regarding the girlfriend's son. I have never even met him. I am only trying to ensure that whatever my dad has wanted and still wants is put into effect. And, yes, my dad believes that this son will try to gain access to the home and funding as soon as he can. And, the girlfriend will give him whatever he wants.

At the end of the day, if my dad dies or gets put into a memory care unit and the girlfriend and her son disappear with the entire estate, it won't matter to me. This is not the point of my post and questions. The fundamental parts that I am trying to ensure happens are:

1. My dad lives at his home as long as possible.
2. He dies with dignity.
3. The girlfriend is taken care of exactly as my dad wishes.

My concerns are: The State steps in and disrupts the above. OR, the girlfriend marries him and the son steps in and does something to disrupt the above.

If social services are about to investigate then its quite possible that the plan will be disrupted. It appears that the home is not safe for home caregivers and it appears that he can no longer care for himself. Certainly the girlfriend cannot care for him. It may be that he will get forced into assisted living whether he likes it or not.

 

[kenh1967]

Dementia would fall under the incompetence umbrella. Depending on the severity he may already be beyond able to make any legal decisions. Surely any legal decisions made from this point forward would surely be subject to review.

Understood. I would not be surprised if he is already beyond this point that you speak of.

So to start with sis needs to have a talk with medical provider to get doctors opinion of dads condition and whether he is capable of making life and death decisions for himself. The doctor can give his opinion as to whether dad is capable of making legal decisions but it will require a court to actually make the ruling of whether he is or not.

Understood. Thanks for the suggestion. Will talk to my sister.

Dementia is a blanket diagnosis. Something is causing the dementia. Alzheimer's is probably the most common cause of dementia but surely not the only cause. Dementia is also not a specific diagnosis. Dementia refers to multiple symptoms with failing memory being among them.

I am certainly not an expert on this topic, nor have I seen or would understand the doctor's diagnosis. Perhaps there was a more specific diagnosis, but the message that was given to my sister (and then to me) is that it is dementia. I could describe his behavior and go into all the issues that he is having, but that is probably not of interest here. I think I am ok accepting that his condition and ability to live independently is going to continue to deteriorate and accelerate.

Just attempting to understand what I can and should do, rather than learn too late that I should have acted sooner. And, it might be too late already.

 

[kenh1967]

If social services are about to investigate then its quite possible that the plan will be disrupted. It appears that the home is not safe for home caregivers and it appears that he can no longer care for himself. Certainly the girlfriend cannot care for him. It may be that he will get forced into assisted living whether he likes it or not.

Agreed. Should this occur, there is not much to do but wait for a phone call.

My questioning has been along the lines of, "If I get a chance to do something in advance of the State doing something", what can or should I do?

I have some feedback that I will act upon:

1. Get my sister to contact my dad's doctor and see if we can get his input.
2. Visit my dad (assuming nothing changes over the next 2 weeks) and see if he is willing to sign a POA. I understand that this may need to be validated by a court.
3. Marry him to my mom.
4. Investigate how to proceed with getting a court ordered conservatorship (last resort)

Ok, #3 is just kidding.

 

[ecmst12]

Conservatorship doesn't have to be a last resort, if he's not competent now then it's better to do it sooner than later before he has a chance to damage his situation any more. You should start calling around and make an appointment with an attorney experienced in elder law.

 

[kenh1967]

Conservatorship doesn't have to be a last resort, if he's not competent now then it's better to do it sooner than later before he has a chance to damage his situation any more. You should start calling around and make an appointment with an attorney experienced in elder law.

Understood and will do. Thanks for the feedback.