Father is sick and mother wont let come home!

I live in Illinois and my father has leukemia and diabetis...he was admitted into the hospital about 3 weeks ago due to pneumonia and weakness. They have been working with him to get his legs stronger so he can go back home but now my mom decided she doesnt want him home. She says she does not want the responsibility of caring for him now that he's weak and needing care. He has hardly been sick a day in his life and now when he's needing cared for she throws him out basically! The whole family is upset by this and wanting to know if there is ANYTHING we can do???!!! She is his wife...50 years today....and his legal Power of Attorney and he wants to go home but she says no. She is telling everyone his mind is gone now since he speaks softly and he has started getting confused and forgetful....but is still there....unfortunately he gets very quiet whenever someone other than family comes in (he usually wont speak at all then) so everyone in the hospital thinks his mind is gone completely! I am his daughter and willing to take him into my home but her attitude is that if she doesnt want him, nobody else can have him I guess. She says he wouldn't want to live with me! She is a very controlling, mean woman but can appear to be so sweet when she is trying to fool people to get her way but beware of her if you cross her! I just want to know what to do here!? I love my father so much and all he keeps saying is how bad he wants to go home...the whole family wants him to go home and everyone has offered to help out....but she wont let him....wants him in a nursing home and wont let anyone else take care of him. Is there ANYTHING any of us can do to stop her?????? This is so horrible! He has taken care of her his whole life and she was always the sickly one...having had open heart surgery and a lung disease....among many other various illnesses....he never left her or threatened to do away with her....he doesnt deserve this! Someone, please, the whole family is desperately awaiting an answer of hope here! Thank you.

[JETX]

Thank you for your little novela. It was truly fascinating reading.
Was there a LEGAL question in there somewhere???

no offense meant greeneyed, but if your mother has been sickly for most of her life, she has every right in the world to feel like she can't handle the responsibility of caring for her husband.

You must be too young to understand the toll things like OPEN HEART SURGERY and LUNG DISEASE cause people.

Your father took care of your mother when he was strong, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of love for her. There is no score card in this, just because he took care of her does not somehow obligate his wife, especially if she is weak from illnesses herself.

I'm not so sure you understand the impact caring for a sick elderly person has on your life. He is not going to get better, only worse, over time, and there will come a point where YOU can't care for him anymore either and he will need constant medical care. Why move him to move him again?

Your mother is the only one thinking rationally here, I'm glad she is the one with power of attorney.

I figured right after I posted our families situation that there was more I needed to say or explain but didnt cuz I felt it was to long already but now I can see it was needed. First, I am a certified nurses aide and have worked in nursing homes and know what type of care the people get...here, at least...they are extremely understaffed and I quit three of them and started working on my own doing homehealth care where I'd have one patient at a time to devote all my time to. I stopped working after having our son, now 4 yrs to stay home with him. I told my mother that I would gladly take her AND my father into our home, which has plenty of room for them and us, and take care of them both....she says no. I told her we could arrange for nurses, aides, therapists to come to our home or theirs....she says no. My sister, brother in law and neighbors, friends, grandchildren has all offered to help out wherever my father is put, she still says no. When asked why, with all this being offered she will not let dad go home or here, she finally said that after 50 years of putting up with him that she did not want him back. She said all they were doing was fighting anyway and that he wouldn't talk to her....he'd just space off when she'd be talking while he was at home. She said she was sick of looking at him just sitting or laying around being depressed and wanted to start living her own life now. We all think she's being very selfish since yes, he is dying and his last and only dying wish is to come home. My question here was.....do we have any sort of legal way of getting him there....over riding her decision in any way????

One last bit of information.....ever since she's had her open heart surgery she has been the meanest person we've ever known....she lies, gossips and makes up stores just to cause problems with friends, neighbors and family members.....even church members have dissassociated from them because of this. Last week her neighbors of over 30 years asked me and my sister if we realized that our mother is either having dreams or hallucinations and then believing that things actually happened that didn't......we said yes, but we have tried to deal with it for our fathers sake so have done nothing. She is very forgetful and does imagine a lot of things and only hears what she wants to but our dad loved her and we figured if he could put up with her then we would too.....now, we're worried about him and what she's doing to him. She told us even if he were well enough to come home that she wouldn't want him back.....we feel she's using his health issues as a reason to basically throw him out of the house without actually having to divorce him.

I'm sorry if no one understands....maybe this wasn't the place I should've come. We're just all so distraught right now because my sister and I have both made offers to take our dad and/or her in but she says no....even though he is saying yes. By the way, I am 44 and my sister is 49 years old.....sorry so long but after the two responses I had, I felt I needed to explain more. And, I was hoping an attorney would respond here..... thanks and blessings to all....

well, if it is any consolation I am still waiting for a lawyer to answer my question as well, I've been browsing the boards and there seem to be some rather outspoken people, to put it nicely...I'd wait a day or two before giving up on getting a legal answer, I know there are several attorneys that patrol the boards.

Your father is ill, but not incapacitated, he can revoke the power of attorney for healthcare he signed over to his wife and reassign it to someone else I believe. Contact the lawyer they had draw it up.

[ellencee]

grneyedlady

Your father is ill, but not incapacitated, he can revoke the power of attorney for healthcare he signed over to his wife and reassign it to someone else I believe. Contact the lawyer they had draw it up.

concernedgranny

Excellent advice.

All of those who are willing to care for your father, including you, can go to the nursing home and care for him there. You can also bring him home with you for visits.

I can attest based on personal experience that it will be the hardest work you have ever done and the most rewarding work you have ever done if you take your father into your home and care him for until his death. I believe my children benefited from being a part of this process and I also believe they made considerable sacrifice of my time and the freedom to enjoy our being able to leave home. You have no idea what it is like to be 'on duty' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week while you have the sole burden and responsibility for caring for a loved one in your own home. I do. I have no regret and if I had to do it again, I would. (In my case, it was not my father but another close relative.)

Give it some thought before you make a hasty decision. If you decide to do it, follow concernedgranny's advice and assist your dad in changing his power of attorney to you.

Best wishes,
EC

Thank you both for your kinder replies to my message. I will have to try and find out who my parents lawyer was....she's pretty secretive about those things and my father's mind seems to come and go these days. We were there at the hospital all this evening to celebrate their 50th Anniversary and he was very alert and aware of everything and pretty talkative to everyone. The only real problem with him right now is the extreme weakness of his legs....plus, he is very very depressed because he wants to go home. My mother keeps lying to him and telling him he can come home as soon as he can walk better and that he needs to just keep trying harder but she has already told us that she will never have him back. I think it is terrible that she is being so dishonest with him and the other problem is that she has the doctors all convinced that he is not of sound mind.....she had him sign a bunch of paperwork the other day where he was agreeing to give her everything and something called "spouse impoverenment" or something.....she said it was so she could get him into a nursing home. Nobody told him what he was signing and he totally trusts that she is doing what he wants her to and taking care of him. Isn't it illegal to have someone sign documents without explaining to them what they are signing for??? She said no since she's his power of attorney that she doesnt need to.

She talks about him like she hates him when she's not around him but acts like she adores him whenever she's there and people are watching or seeing them together. If the doctors' think he is not of sound mind, not sure what good it would do to try and take over the power of attorney....plus, I dont think he'd give it to me or anyone else when she is lying to him anyway and totally fooling him right now....right up until he lands where he doesnt want to be. His birthday is Sunday and he told us tonight (the family) that he cant be happy about anything as long as no one is telling him "when" he can go home......

Thanks for both your advice...I will try and find out more from my dad when I'm allowed to visit and I hope an attorney may be able to shed some light on all this soon too! I'm also wondering if medicare pays for a patient to be cared for at home as my mother told me they will not but I thought visiting nurses or hospice was paid for by them?

You can petition the court for guardianship over your father, but it is costly and very stressful. Since you are in the caretaking business you must realize just how difficult it is to caretake a dying person. I know how you feel, i did it for my mother before she died. I ended up loosing 20 pounds from not caring for myself, only her and my little children. I felt like I was ready for a nervous breakdown it was so difficult. My Mom had dementia with other physical problems, even with a CNA coming into the home 3 days a week it was too much for me and I realized it, but felt it was my obligation, and I truly loved my Mom so much and it has been a year and I miss her terribly. So, I know how you feel about caring for you Dad at home, nobody wants to go to a nursing home, sometimes it is the only way out.

Your Mom must know what she can and cannot handle. Maybe you feel this is very cold on her part, maybe it is. There has got to be a way out of this, maybe you should let your father come live with you then, don't listen to your mother, and just take it from there. Daily**************..... Good luck from the heart

Hi and thanks for your reply....

Yes, I do think it is cold of my mother since I have told her that I would take my dad into my home and care for him and she said she didnt want him here cuz it was to inconvenient for her to be able to see him since I live 20 minutes away. I am here all day anyway and am a CNA but have not been working since my son was born 4 years ago and I offered to let her stay here with and/or pick her up and bring her here any time she wants. My dad stays upset and my heart breaks every time I go to see him at the hospital. He is walking a little better but falls easily because his legs are so weak. I told her they could always go into assisted living together and then they'd have an onduty nurse right there if they needed one but she said no, she wants to stay in their home and reminds me how they never got along together any way so he can just go to the nursing home....she says she doesnt feel like putting up with him any longer. He is a good man and has put up with a lot living with "her!" I dont know how he's done it all these years...none of the family does! It sounds as if our hands are tied...... thanks for everyones replies.....