Found biological father

[mominmo]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Missouri His state is Connecticut

I believe I found my biological father, who at my birth 43 years ago, did not want me or my mother. I mailed a letter to him telling him who I was with substantial facts and requested a reply. I did get a reply, but through his attorney stating that he and his family did not want to have contact with me at this time and do not contact him, his family or extended family. I did not expect a reply through an attorney, but am glad that a response was given. What I want to know is: Do I now get an attorney myself? Do I mail a letter to the attorney thanking him for a response and him to convey that if they should want to contact me in the future I would be glad to hear from them? Or should I just let it be? I do have questions for my "father" and would like some closure. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

[IsabellaSoriano]

you should just let it be. legally, you have been notified dad does not want contact from you. any other contact can be considered harrassment. for that, i am very sorry. you can have closure, without his approval. you just need to learn how to deal with it. and i don't mean that in a snarky way. they know how to contact you, they already did so.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by IsabellaSoriano

you should just let it be. legally, you have been notified dad does not want contact from you. any other contact can be considered harrassment. for that, i am very sorry. you can have closure, without his approval. you just need to learn how to deal with it. and i don't mean that in a snarky way. they know how to contact you, they already did so.

I agree, however I will add that dad can only make that demand on behalf of himself, his wife, and any minor children.

He cannot demand that you have no contact with any of his extended family.

[las365]

Do I mail a letter to the attorney thanking him for a response and him to convey that if they should want to contact me in the future I would be glad to hear from them?

That would be the appropriate way to deal with it if you really want to.

You can search threads here to see the kinds of reactions people have when contacted by abandoned adult children such as yourself. They usually suspect that the child is lying about paternity, are usually afraid that the child wants to get money for back child support, some of them have never told the current spouse about the child, some are afraid it will ruin their current family's lives, most of it is just basically a fear- and shame-based reaction, in my opinion.

I understand that you have questions, but frankly, it is unlikely that you would get answers that would make you feel better.

[FarmerJ]

There is one thing you can atleast write to the atty about Ask if your bio dad will give you his side of the familys medical history and current medical conditions so this way if there is any thing you need to know you can be warned. Your bio dad has no obligation to have any kind of relationship with you, you can let him know you are not asking to have a parental relationship or any kind of friendship ,but would like the medical info and would be open to hearing from him someday if he changes his mind. THIS is the best you can hope for. IT is the same thing many adoptees have had happen in the past. I am a adoptee and so was my sister a year after I was adopted as well as her placing a son into adoption back in 78, So both of us each have experiances with final outcomes of searches regarding bio parents. Your dad is older now and came from a generation that often encouraged parents for what ever the reason to move on and forget the past, so it will take him time if he changes his mind.

[Farfalla]

From what you have written, you do not have any other legal father... no man ever adopted you. Is that right?

You might want to check out the laws in the state your father and his family have lived. YOu might be entitled to inheretance if and when your paternal grand parents die and when your father dies... this will be determined by what their will says or if they die without wills. Just a thought...

[mominmo]

Originally Posted by Farfalla

From what you have written, you do not have any other legal father... no man ever adopted you. Is that right?

My mother married, the man I always believed was my father, before I was born. They gave me his last name and I was raised as his own. So other than putting his name on my birth certificate, there was no other legal action. I did not find out about my biological father until I was thirteen. Shortly after my parents divorced. Then I began searching for bio-father in my mid twenties off and on using the internet until now, I am 43.
Does that make a difference?

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by mominmo

My mother married, the man I always believed was my father, before I was born. They gave me his last name and I was raised as his own. So other than putting his name on my birth certificate, there was no other legal action. I did not find out about my biological father until I was thirteen. Shortly after my parents divorced. Then I began searching for bio-father in my mid twenties off and on using the internet until now, I am 43.
Does that make a difference?

Yep. Your mother's husband is your legal father. This man is a legal stranger.

[nextwife]

Your mom CHOSE to have her husband become be your legal father. She chose to exclude your father from her life, your life and her marriage. This man owes you nothing.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by nextwife

Your mom CHOSE to have her husband become be your legal father. She chose to exclude your father from her life, your life and her marriage. This man owes you nothing.

Legally yes...morally maybe a medical history.

[nextwife]

HIPAA laws protect his right to keep his medical records private.

Our laws should not make if just fine for a mom to, after the fact of conception, CHOOSE the dad she PREFERS to have around. Society doesn't really seem to CARE which father the child has, as long as we make some man legally/financially responsible. Well, when we allow that to be done, EVERY child whose mom chose a different guy to sign the AOP, never disclosed an affair to a spouse, married a different guy while pregnant, or pretended the boyfriend is biodad either gets the WRONG medical history, or no medical history.

Everytime an AOP gets signed without absolutely knowing the signatory actually IS biodad we potentially deny that child access to their medical history.

Weren't you on another thread saying that, if mom THINKS biodad won't be in the picture, it's ok to have someone else sign the AOP? Well, when we allow that, some day we end up with this: adult children who someday discover their "parents" lied to them, and who now cannot legally access their medical past. Like your relative who is walking around THINKING that one man's medical history applies to her, when, in truth, he's not biologically related. We should not be treating these matters as "personal choice" for the mom to decide about. Because then we do rob the child of all things about biodad.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by nextwife

HIPAA laws protect his right to keep his medical records private.

Our laws should not make if just fine for a mom to, after the fact of conception, CHOOSE the dad she PREFERS to have around. Society doesn't really seem to CARE which father the child has, as long as we make some man legally/financially responsible. Well, when we allow that to be done, EVERY child whose mom chose a different guy to sign the AOP, never disclosed an affair to a spouse, married a different guy while pregnant, or pretended the boyfriend is biodad either gets the WRONG medical history, or no medical history.

Everytime an AOP gets signed without absolutely knowing the signatory actually IS biodad we potentially deny that child access to their medical history.

Weren't you on another thread saying that, if mom THINKS biodad won't be in the picture, it's ok to have someone else sign the AOP? Well, when we allow that, some day we end up with this: adult children who someday discover their "parents" lied to them, and who now cannot legally access their medical past. Like your relative who is walking around THINKING that one man's medical history applies to her, when, in truth, he's not biologically related. We should not be treating these matters as "personal choice" for the mom to decide about. Because then we do rob the child of all things about biodad.

I absolutely did NOT say that it was ok to sign an AOP if you were not the father. I said it was ok to allow the child to have an emotional/psychological father if their own father was not going to be in the picture. That's is NOT saying that its ok to sign an AOP.

[mominmo]

Originally Posted by nextwife

HIPAA laws protect his right to keep his medical records private.

Our laws should not make if just fine for a mom to, after the fact of conception, CHOOSE the dad she PREFERS to have around. Society doesn't really seem to CARE which father the child has, as long as we make some man legally/financially responsible. Well, when we allow that to be done, EVERY child whose mom chose a different guy to sign the AOP, never disclosed an affair to a spouse, married a different guy while pregnant, or pretended the boyfriend is biodad either gets the WRONG medical history, or no medical history.

OK...after the fact of conception, my biodad DID NOT WANT ME!! He was in a rocky marriage, with children of his own, and had an affair with my mother without telling her he was married and decided to stay with his wife and his life did not include me. My mom was alone and her father suggested she remarry my now father (guess they were married and divorced before...long story) to give me a name and stability because she refused to give me up since her father made her give up her first child at 16 after a rape. So the biodad did not want any responsibility and my mom had to find a way to keep me and give me a stable home so she made a sacrifice for me and remarried the man she no longer loved. So, she did not PREFER, as you stated, to have him around. I guess things were different in the 60's and in New England/Canada. Maybe she did need to take a legal route to have my biodad keep his responsibility, but that did not happen. My mom did what she felt was right and perhaps, back then, the only thing she could do. As far as me contacting him, well, who wouldn't be curious? I am begining to think my posting this on here was not the way to go. Seems it only started controversy and some things said that have made me become defensive. So if it all the same to everyone here, I appreciate all the advice given, though maybe not the personal opinions, I am done here.

[LdiJ]

Originally Posted by mominmo

OK...after the fact of conception, my biodad DID NOT WANT ME!! He was in a rocky marriage, with children of his own, and had an affair with my mother without telling her he was married and decided to stay with his wife and his life did not include me. My mom was alone and her father suggested she remarry my now father (guess they were married and divorced before...long story) to give me a name and stability because she refused to give me up since her father made her give up her first child at 16 after a rape. So the biodad did not want any responsibility and my mom had to find a way to keep me and give me a stable home so she made a sacrifice for me and remarried the man she no longer loved. So, she did not PREFER, as you stated, to have him around. I guess things were different in the 60's and in New England/Canada. Maybe she did need to take a legal route to have my biodad keep his responsibility, but that did not happen. My mom did what she felt was right and perhaps, back then, the only thing she could do. As far as me contacting him, well, who wouldn't be curious? I am begining to think my posting this on here was not the way to go. Seems it only started controversy and some things said that have made me become defensive. So if it all the same to everyone here, I appreciate all the advice given, though maybe not the personal opinions, I am done here.

You are right, and I am very sorry. You are 43 years old and you are absolutely right that things were incredibly different 43 years ago, and none of us have the right to be judgemental about what happened 43 years ago, by today's standards.

People here have extremely strong opinions regarding what is definded today as "paternity fraud" and that colors their responses. We should have all made note that you were born in the 60's, and should have taken that into consideration.

However, the reality of things is that your biological father honestly can refuse to acknowlege you and can file for restraining orders against you if you continue to attempt to contact him, his wife, and any minor children that he might have. He however cannot file for restraining orders against you if you contact adult members of his family.

I do apologize for the fact that the forum in general disregarded the era when you where born, and disregarded how different things were.

Do consider writing a response to the attorney asking for a medical history and leaving the door open for further contact, should your biological father change his mind. Most people in a circumstance like this wouldn't have a problem with providing a medical history. I certainly wouldn't.

[Ohiogal]

Originally Posted by LdiJ

You are right, and I am very sorry. You are 43 years old and you are absolutely right that things were incredibly different 43 years ago, and none of us have the right to be judgemental about what happened 43 years ago, by today's standards.

People here have extremely strong opinions regarding what is definded today as "paternity fraud" and that colors their responses. We should have all made note that you were born in the 60's, and should have taken that into consideration.

However, the reality of things is that your biological father honestly can refuse to acknowlege you and can file for restraining orders against you if you continue to attempt to contact him, his wife, and any minor children that he might have. He however cannot file for restraining orders against you if you contact adult members of his family.

I do apologize for the fact that the forum in general disregarded the era when you where born, and disregarded how different things were.

Do consider writing a response to the attorney asking for a medical history and leaving the door open for further contact, should your biological father change his mind. Most people in a circumstance like this wouldn't have a problem with providing a medical history. I certainly wouldn't.

I agree with Ld in fact but not in sentiment. Here is the problem. -- you have a legal father. It is NOT the biological father. You are not ENTITLED to contact with who you perceive as being the biological father.