helping the enemy

[sickofinlaw]

What is the name of your state? New York

Some background info before I get to my question...
My wife, daughter and my self currently reside with my wifes grandmother at her residence. Her name (the grandmothers) is on the deed and no one elses.
The arrangement is that we live there and help pay a majority of the bills (which are in my name, gas/electric/tv etc.). The only bill that is in grandma's name is the phone bill as my wife and I use our cell phones regularly.

two years ago, prior to my wife and I moving in with her grandmother, we were living on our own in a duplex. We had one apartment, my brother in law lived in the other. While my wife was in labor and we were both at the hospital, he took it upon himself to go through all of our personal belongings and take what he saw fit. After we found out what was happening, we confronted him, he acknowledged, apologized, admitted to previous occasions of theft while we were residing at another location (that we had no idea even occured) and proceeded to pack his bags and remove himself from our lives entirely, at our demand.

Keep in mind now that we are not the only family members he has stolen from. We are just two in a long line of many that include his own mother, other siblings, nieces (stealing from a 5 year olds piggy bank - no lie!) and yes, even grandma. Acts range from stealing cash, dvds and cds to blatant credit card fraud. No one did anything because he was family and they have seemingly decided to just not deal with him.

Through a series of events we have now wound up living with my wifes grandmother to help, well, all of us. She buys the groceries and pays the telephone bill and we take care of everything else.

One evening not too long ago the phone rings. I answer it and it's a friend of my brother in law who says that he's been arrested. He is released on his on recognizance and is given 30 days to pay a fine. Since his release he has but one place to stay, with all of us. Well, the 30 days has come around and he goes back to court with 1/10th of the restitution he was supposed to pay. Keep in mind he was wearing brand new clothes/sneakers as he was feeding the judge his BS. He could've paid the restitution without any trouble if he actually had to. He knew someone would be there to bail him out though.

Grandma (the same one that he ripped of for over $3,000) pays the difference on his restitution and the judge still puts him up for another 30 days.

He is due to be released in mid January 07 and grandma wants him to live at the house with us again because he supposedly has no where else to go.

My question is...do I have any say in this what so ever? With her name being the only one on the deed, as far as I can tell my only recourse is to pack up our belongings and move out which would cause an even larger uproar between my wife, her grandmother and myself.

How can I allow my daughter and the rest of my family to live around this, risking everything that we're working so hard for? Grandma is very old and cannot really take care of herself the way she used to be able and I can understand her point of view. She knows she is not going to be around forever and would cherish the chance of spending what time she has left with her only grandson.

Is it wrong for me to make her choose? I really don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

[ezmarelda]

Originally Posted by sickofinlaw

What is the name of your state? New York

Some background info before I get to my question...
My wife, daughter and my self currently reside with my wifes grandmother at her residence. Her name (the grandmothers) is on the deed and no one elses.
The arrangement is that we live there and help pay a majority of the bills (which are in my name, gas/electric/tv etc.). The only bill that is in grandma's name is the phone bill as my wife and I use our cell phones regularly.

two years ago, prior to my wife and I moving in with her grandmother, we were living on our own in a duplex. We had one apartment, my brother in law lived in the other. While my wife was in labor and we were both at the hospital, he took it upon himself to go through all of our personal belongings and take what he saw fit. After we found out what was happening, we confronted him, he acknowledged, apologized, admitted to previous occasions of theft while we were residing at another location (that we had no idea even occured) and proceeded to pack his bags and remove himself from our lives entirely, at our demand.

Keep in mind now that we are not the only family members he has stolen from. We are just two in a long line of many that include his own mother, other siblings, nieces (stealing from a 5 year olds piggy bank - no lie!) and yes, even grandma. Acts range from stealing cash, dvds and cds to blatant credit card fraud. No one did anything because he was family and they have seemingly decided to just not deal with him.

Through a series of events we have now wound up living with my wifes grandmother to help, well, all of us. She buys the groceries and pays the telephone bill and we take care of everything else.

One evening not too long ago the phone rings. I answer it and it's a friend of my brother in law who says that he's been arrested. He is released on his on recognizance and is given 30 days to pay a fine. Since his release he has but one place to stay, with all of us. Well, the 30 days has come around and he goes back to court with 1/10th of the restitution he was supposed to pay. Keep in mind he was wearing brand new clothes/sneakers as he was feeding the judge his BS. He could've paid the restitution without any trouble if he actually had to. He knew someone would be there to bail him out though.

Grandma (the same one that he ripped of for over $3,000) pays the difference on his restitution and the judge still puts him up for another 30 days.

He is due to be released in mid January 07 and grandma wants him to live at the house with us again because he supposedly has no where else to go.

My question is...do I have any say in this what so ever? With her name being the only one on the deed, as far as I can tell my only recourse is to pack up our belongings and move out which would cause an even larger uproar between my wife, her grandmother and myself.

How can I allow my daughter and the rest of my family to live around this, risking everything that we're working so hard for? Grandma is very old and cannot really take care of herself the way she used to be able and I can understand her point of view. She knows she is not going to be around forever and would cherish the chance of spending what time she has left with her only grandson.

Is it wrong for me to make her choose? I really don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

I am wondering if he has a MAJOR drug problem...usualy if someone is willing to stoop to stealing from family they are in serious trouble. I would suggest to G'ma that if she wants to help her grandson maybe helping pay for rehab would be best.
Good Luck...it sounds like you need it.

[sickofinlaw]

Thanks for the reply. I know that marijuana use is prevelant, as far as anything else, I have witnessed him taking extacy and selling other drugs but he insists that he has never done anything else but weed and e.

Of course, isn't that the typical role that an addict plays? No matter what he says, no one knows whether to believe him or not because no one can ever get the truth or even some version of the truth out of him. There have been instances where he has told multiple versions of the same story to different people, just fabricated differently. I don't know if he is trying to make himself look cool or something, I don't know what his deal is.

He wrote a letter from jail and told my wife and I that the counselor there thinks he has some kind of mental problem. That counselor more than likely doesn't know all of the details.

Thank you for your reply.

[fairisfair]

I guess if grandma has opened her home as a halfway house, she has the right to chose who does and does not stay there. I mean, it is okay to help you, but no one else? c'mon.

If you are unhappy with her decision, pack your things and leave.

No you do not have the right to make grandma choose, but you certainly have the right to make choices for yourself.

by the way, what actions did you take when you personally witnessed this drug use and sales??

[ezmarelda]

Originally Posted by sickofinlaw

Thanks for the reply. I know that marijuana use is prevelant, as far as anything else, I have witnessed him taking extacy and selling other drugs but he insists that he has never done anything else but weed and e.

Of course, isn't that the typical role that an addict plays? No matter what he says, no one knows whether to believe him or not because no one can ever get the truth or even some version of the truth out of him. There have been instances where he has told multiple versions of the same story to different people, just fabricated differently. I don't know if he is trying to make himself look cool or something, I don't know what his deal is.

He wrote a letter from jail and told my wife and I that the counselor there thinks he has some kind of mental problem. That counselor more than likely doesn't know all of the details.

Thank you for your reply.

If he has been smoking weed for any signifacant amount of time and has even dabbled with E he very well could have some masive mental problems...E alone can cause serious brain damage even if only used once. You NEED to talk to G'ma about the drugs! She needs to understand that he will take her for everything he possibly can if he dosen't get help.
Have her watch "Intervention" on A&E (I think) if she is not understanding that the only way to "help" is to not help...(dose that make sence?)

[sickofinlaw]

I guess if grandma has opened her home as a halfway house, she has the right to chose who does and does not stay there. I mean, it is okay to help you, but no one else? c'mon.

We moved in because she was not able to afford living on her own, my wife and I can. It just so happens that it helps us because now we don't have to pay for groceries, that's all.

If you are unhappy with her decision, pack your things and leave.

If it were that simple, I would. My wife is deeply attached to her grandmother and has been since she was in her early teens. And now there's a beautiful 18 month old great-grand daughter that is what I'm sure helps grandma wake up every day.

No you do not have the right to make grandma choose, but you certainly have the right to make choices for yourself.

What about choosing for everyone else? (My wife and daughter) There's no way my wife would choose to stay and watch me leave. Neither of us want that. We want to find a way to resolve this issue so that everyone (My wife, her grandmother and myself) is happy but I've been robbed from this guy in the past, I'm tired of it. How many times does it have to happen???

by the way, what actions did you take when you personally witnessed this drug use and sales??

This was done prior to the incidents that directly involved me and my wife. Not that that matters, but nothing was done because there were no hard feelings at the time.

[sickofinlaw]

Originally Posted by sorry...eme

If he has been smoking weed for any signifacant amount of time and has even dabbled with E he very well could have some masive mental problems...E alone can cause serious brain damage even if only used once. You NEED to talk to G'ma about the drugs! She needs to understand that he will take her for everything he possibly can if he dosen't get help.
Have her watch "Intervention" on A&E (I think) if she is not understanding that the only way to "help" is to not help...(dose that make sence?)

She watches A&E all the time. Just last night we were watching some prison stories show that went on to talking about jailhouse gangs etc.

Talking to her about this only causes tension, screaming/yelling and crying. I understand that it's a necessary evil to discuss this matter as it affects a lot of people, however, her time with us is dwindling quickly, who am I to tell her that she can't spend time with her grandson?

As much as I want to fight her on this subject, the one I should be yelling and screaming at his her grandson, not her. Is it fair to anyone to refuse to live there as long as he is there? He may only be there temporarily but any time spent there is long enough for him to be back to his old tricks.

Is there any way I could get call the judge and get his sentance extended? Probably not.

[fairisfair]

Originally Posted by sickofinlaw

We moved in because she was not able to afford living on her own, my wife and I can. It just so happens that it helps us because now we don't have to pay for groceries, that's all.

uh, you forgot to mention that free rent part

If it were that simple, I would. My wife is deeply attached to her grandmother and has been since she was in her early teens. And now there's a beautiful 18 month old great-grand daughter that is what I'm sure helps grandma wake up every day.

and all of that is very sentimental and beautiful, it does not change the fact that grandma is the legal owner of the home and as such, she says who goes and who stays
What about choosing for everyone else? (My wife and daughter) There's no way my wife would choose to stay and watch me leave. Neither of us want that. We want to find a way to resolve this issue so that everyone (My wife, her grandmother and myself) is happy but I've been robbed from this guy in the past, I'm tired of it. How many times does it have to happen???
until you make it impossible for it to happen. or until he is incarcerated for good

This was done prior to the incidents that directly involved me and my wife. Not that that matters, but nothing was done because there were no hard feelings at the time.

so now it is different? Because he stole from YOU now it is important? Do you not think that his crimes had ramifications for others before YOU became the victim?

Eme can give the warm and fuzzies, she is sweet and kind that way. But the legalities remain the same. YOU have no say in who grandma lets into the house. You can do your darndest to protect her, and I would certainly expect you to do no less.

[BelizeBreeze]

This entire thread is ridiculous.

First, no, you have no say in granny allows to stay in HER home.

And yes, there is something you can do about it....MOVE!

There, feel better now?

[sickofinlaw]

Who said anything about free rent? I just told you that the only bills gram pays is the groceries and the phone bill. My wife and I pay for everything else. *EVERYTHING ELSE*

And no, not 'so now it is different because it's happened to me' The only help I was allowed to give was helping grandma fill out the fraud paper work for the bank and credit card companies and making sure everything was received by them. You can only help those that want to be helped and she obviously didn't want to press charges against her own grandson so I just did what she asked me to do.

The incidents that happened with other family members were not made known until *after* the incidents occured between him, my wife and myself, everyone else was too embarassed to say anything to anyone.

[sickofinlaw]

Originally Posted by BelizeBreeze

This entire thread is ridiculous.

First, no, you have no say in granny allows to stay in HER home.

And yes, there is something you can do about it....MOVE!

There, feel better now?

What makes my situation so ridiculous? What's ridiculous is the fact that my grandmother wants to move her thief of a grandson back into her home to let him rob her blind.

He has been given every break that life has been able to offer him. All he is learning from this situation is "Hey, I can steal from granny and she's not going to do a damn thing about it!"

And furthermore, would you uproot your whole family to spite the decision of the owner of the house? Talk about ramifications.

Gram can't afford to live in the house by herself, she doesn't make enough money which is why we moved in with her in the first place. Ever hear the phrase one hand washes the other? What do you think would happen to her if we left and let her and my brother in law live there? He gets about a 1000 a month with his disability check plus food stamps, they'll make it!

[Zephyr]

why don't you-your wife-and your children keep ALL of your possessions in your bedrooms and install key locks on the doors....and maybe remove granny's valuables to a safer location


or maybe you guys should move and granny can look into a reverse mortgage, or even sell the house and move into an elderly community/apartment building

[BelizeBreeze]

Originally Posted by sickofinlaw

What makes my situation so ridiculous? What's ridiculous is the fact that my grandmother wants to move her thief of a grandson back into her home to let him rob her blind.

He has been given every break that life has been able to offer him. All he is learning from this situation is "Hey, I can steal from granny and she's not going to do a damn thing about it!"

And furthermore, would you uproot your whole family to spite the decision of the owner of the house? Talk about ramifications.

Gram can't afford to live in the house by herself, she doesn't make enough money which is why we moved in with her in the first place. Ever hear the phrase one hand washes the other? What do you think would happen to her if we left and let her and my brother in law live there? He gets about a 1000 a month with his disability check plus food stamps, they'll make it!

You asked for legal advice and you received it. I'm done.

[sickofinlaw]

Originally Posted by Zephyr

why don't you-your wife-and your children keep ALL of your possessions in your bedrooms and install key locks on the doors....and maybe remove granny's valuables to a safer location

Presently that is the only viable situation we're looking at. The downside of this is that all of our possesions will not fit into our bedroom. A majority of the tangible things in the house belong to my wife and myself and therefore would enrage me even more to watch him watch tv on our television or eat meals off of our plates.

I understand this is probably a problem that I need to resolve somewhere in my mind but when I think about it again, why should I have to share anything with him? He's a thief who has stolen from every single member of this household. Why should I do anything to help him? Why should I say "Thanks! Come rob me again!" or even consider giving him the option to do so as he does not have to work and I do. Unfortunately I can't be there to watch our posessions 24/7.

or maybe you guys should move and granny can look into a reverse mortgage, or even sell the house and move into an elderly community/apartment building

Gram wouldn't go for it and frankly, none of us would want her to go into a facility like that.

Thanks for your input.

[Zephyr]

well it does seem it is something you need to resolve yourself to since you are not willing to utilize any of the other options available to you