How to protect myself before marriage

[Harmonygrl]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

Hello,

Thanks in advance for your time to consider my questions.

I have concerns about how to legally protect myself in a situation with my live-in boyfriend (and his ex-wife).

She has trashed his credit due to not following the court orders to pay debts. Also, he has been unemployed for a while and has a lot of credit card debts and late payments as well. He also has a very litigious and vindictive ex-wife.

However, my financial situation is quite different. I have never married. I have savings/investments, a home and earn a good living / pension benefits.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but his current legal, financial and employment situations give me great pause when considering moving forward to marriage. We currently do not have a wedding date, and I have not accepted an engagement ring from him. However, he frequently talks about wanting to marry me.

In the event that we do marry, how can I protect myself -- specifically:

* My home
* My pre-marital financial and personal assets
* My pension

Currently what I have done is the following:

* Allowed him to move in with me (vs. being homeless).
* Created a lease for a modest amount of "rent" to pay me, which is all inclusive of utilities. (However, I am not enforcing payment because of his lack of funds. He has not paid anything on this lease which began in 2008.)
* Accepting his occasional payments for some of the groceries he eats or household expenses.
* Added him to my car insurance as a household driver (in case he has an accident while driving my car -- he has no car of his own).
* Allowed him in the past to use my credit cards in swipe machines (that do not require ID).
* Added him as beneficiaries upon death to all my financial accounts.
* Accepted small gifts from him on holidays / occasions as well as made gifts to him of cash or property.
* Asked him to start contributing $20/week from his unemployment check for household expenses. However, he has not yet made any payments to me.


What I have *not* done is the following:
* Added him to any of my bank accounts or credit cards.
* Allowed him to make any direct payments to my creditors, such as mortgage, utilities, etc.
* Paid any of his bills directly (although I have given or loaned him money for those purposes).
* Paid any of his alimony payments.
* Signed over any property to him or made any verbal promises of the same.

I'm worried about his ex-wife trying to sue for my assets.

I'm also concerned that if he doesn't go back to work soon, that he will become permanently dependent on me. I'm frankly concerned that because of his current financial dependence on me for nearly everything now, does this setup a precedent for me having to pay support/alimony to him if the relationship ends?

What are my options and/or actual liabilities?

[Wirelessany1]

Originally Posted by Harmonygrl

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Kentucky

Hello,

Thanks in advance for your time to consider my questions.

I have concerns about how to legally protect myself in a situation with my live-in boyfriend (and his ex-wife).

She has trashed his credit due to not following the court orders to pay debts. Also, he has been unemployed for a while and has a lot of credit card debts and late payments as well. He also has a very litigious and vindictive ex-wife.

However, my financial situation is quite different. I have never married. I have savings/investments, a home and earn a good living / pension benefits.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but his current legal, financial and employment situations give me great pause when considering moving forward to marriage. We currently do not have a wedding date, and I have not accepted an engagement ring from him. However, he frequently talks about wanting to marry me.

In the event that we do marry, how can I protect myself -- specifically:

* My home
* My pre-marital financial and personal assets
* My pension

Currently what I have done is the following:

* Allowed him to move in with me (vs. being homeless).
* Created a lease for a modest amount of "rent" to pay me, which is all inclusive of utilities. (However, I am not enforcing payment because of his lack of funds. He has not paid anything on this lease which began in 2008.)
* Accepting his occasional payments for some of the groceries he eats or household expenses.
* Added him to my car insurance as a household driver (in case he has an accident while driving my car -- he has no car of his own).
* Allowed him in the past to use my credit cards in swipe machines (that do not require ID).
* Added him as beneficiaries upon death to all my financial accounts.
* Accepted small gifts from him on holidays / occasions as well as made gifts to him of cash or property.
* Asked him to start contributing $20/week from his unemployment check for household expenses. However, he has not yet made any payments to me.


What I have *not* done is the following:
* Added him to any of my bank accounts or credit cards.
* Allowed him to make any direct payments to my creditors, such as mortgage, utilities, etc.
* Paid any of his bills directly (although I have given or loaned him money for those purposes).
* Paid any of his alimony payments.
* Signed over any property to him or made any verbal promises of the same.

I'm worried about his ex-wife trying to sue for my assets.

I'm also concerned that if he doesn't go back to work soon, that he will become permanently dependent on me. I'm frankly concerned that because of his current financial dependence on me for nearly everything now, does this setup a precedent for me having to pay support/alimony to him if the relationship ends?

What are my options and/or actual liabilities?

It appears to me that you are doing most of the right things. Keeping your finances separate is of the uttmost importance. I do caution, however, allowing him to use your credit cards ~ you can certainly be setting yourself up for a potential loss.

Aside from what is legal, you need to think more with you mind than with your heart. Is he going to be able to contribute to the relationship in a healthy manner, or is he going to suck everything that is good out of you??? I personally would not even think of marriage until he had a steady job and made a steady contribution to the relationship. From your posting it appears 99% you.

take care, (I'd say follow your heart, but often times, leaving the heart out of it is a much better decision) ana

[Harmonygrl]

Thanks for your quick reply. Yes, I have reconsidered the credit card risk and taken them away. I had been monitoring my accounts daily online to track his charges, but I decided that was not worth the stress.

I agree with you about the 99% me -- I don't want to throw anyone out in the street, because no matter what, I do love him. However, I also fell in love when he was an independent, employed and employable, contributing person. I don't like what I'm seeing in this, and like I said, it's given me considerable doubts.

I don't know if taking any "regular" payments from him gives him rights to my home, since we have a lease. He has not ever paid a "rent" payment, and the amount of contribution I am asking from him is not even equal to 20% of the monthly lease amount. His previous contributions over the last year are also not even equal to a "rent" payment.

Honestly, I don't need his money, but he is an adult and I want him to remember that he's not on permanent vacation.

I don't want to evict him, but I would imagine that is an option for nonpayment. Mostly, I just want to know what legal firewalls I need to set up and how far in advance of an engagement / wedding. He says he is willing to sign a pre-nuptial agreement as well.

I also don't know if I have any liability relating to his ex-wife. I'm probably just overreacting, but I am getting collections calls and even visits to my home due to his debts -- it's unnerving to say the least!

Please, do keep these answers coming. Thanks so much for your time.

Originally Posted by Wirelessany1

It appears to me that you are doing most of the right things. Keeping your finances separate is of the uttmost importance. I do caution, however, allowing him to use your credit cards ~ you can certainly be setting yourself up for a potential loss.

Aside from what is legal, you need to think more with you mind than with your heart. Is he going to be able to contribute to the relationship in a healthy manner, or is he going to suck everything that is good out of you??? I personally would not even think of marriage until he had a steady job and made a steady contribution to the relationship. From your posting it appears 99% you.

take care, (I'd say follow your heart, but often times, leaving the heart out of it is a much better decision) ana

[TheGeekess]

Totally NOT legal advice: You are being used. Taken for a ride. Time to kick this one to the curb and find a significant other that is worthy of your time and effort.

Legally, I'd start eviction proceedings against this man. And file a restraining order against him the first time he throws a fit.