IAAL; My X suggested this...

[Ukiah]

He came to p/u daughter and suggested we "share" her every other year- One year she is with me, the next she is with him...


Even though (to me) this doesn't sound like something beneficial to our child, my first thought is that he is fearing the outcome of the evaluation, and is trying to avoid paying support if the evaluator decides our daughter should live with me.

I thought our daughter wouldn't be able to establish her self at either residence IF we were to agree to this arrangement.

He said he would talk it over with the evaluator (today) when he goes in with our daughter for their session together.

On the other hand, it is appealing, IF he truly wants to do this, and try to change his attitude towards me. I still feel it won't work- because it's like he's doing me a favor for his own benefit, not out of concern for our daughter.

OH get this, his wife even admitted they KNOW our daughter wants to be with me - The reason (I feel) he doesn't want to let her go is because he's afraid of having to pay support for her.

Anyways, he didn't file his Points & Authorities. Our court date has been continued to 8-17-01.

Thanks for any input.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

I think his idea sucks.

A child needs "grounding". A child needs to know "security" and needs to know that he / she won't have to move at the end of the term. You know, this suggestion reminds me of "Army Brats". Those kids can get really messed up because of all the schools, the moving, the differing environments. Except it can't be helped when you're in the Service. Ask a grown-up "Brat" how they felt about leaving friends behind all the time, and changing schools and housing all the time. Your situation, however, can be helped. It doesn't have to be like this for your child.

A child makes friends and shouldn't be swept away from those friends, and other things the child has become accustomed to during that year.

Go for the whole enchillada - - if you feel good about your own situation . . .

No matter whether I'd would win or lose, I would never do as he is suggesting. I think it's cruel to do that to a child.

I think his idea sucks, and I would always dissuade my clients from doing such a thing.

IAAL

 

[Ukiah]

Thank you my friend for your opinion.

I didn't really like the suggestion either.

See, I am so wanting things to go better than they are, for our daughter, that if he's willing to make suggeestions, I'm willing to listen - doesn't mean I will go for what he suggests, because I wholeheartedly have my little girls best interest in mind.

I DO know how those "Army Brats" feel! Though I wasn't an Army Brat, I too as a child moved quite often, and I hated it. In a way it was good, because I could re-invent myself until we moved again, and started all over. When I got into high school, we actually stayed the entire 4 years!! This is where I met my 2 best friends whom I still talk to (daily).

I wouldn't want ur daughter to go through all the moving around that I did. And I do plan to go for the whole enchilada, as you say. My daughter deserves better than he's suggesting.

I hope he did talk with the evaluator about his suggestion, I hope it makes him look desperate, and unstable, self centered.

Again, thank you my friend, confidant for your input!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My dearest Ukiah:

I truly wish you and your daughter good luck in August.

Please feel free to write to me at my e-mail address.

IAAL

 

[DSRS]

ukiah....

I am glad that you are not going to agree to your ex's suggestion.I agree with Iaal that your ex's suggestion is a bad idea.My opinion.... I think he knows it's a bad idea but he not only don't want to pay child support but does not want to lose the control over you. He might know that evaluator would probably feels that you are best suited parent to have your daughter to live with you.


[Edited by DSRS on 07-17-2001 at 09:54 AM]

 

[MySonsMom]

OH get this, his wife even admitted they KNOW our daughter wants to be with me - The reason (I feel) he doesn't want to let her go is because he's afraid of having to pay support for her.

I'm appauled at the fact that this step Mother knows that the child wants to go back with the Mother, yet does nothing to help the child get back home.

MSM

 

[housewife]

I dont see any problem with sharing your obligations as parents to your daughter. I have a seven year old and she stays half the year with me & the other with her father. The child is not a posetion and she needs her father too. We have them same rules & same schedules at both homes, such as praryers at night & chores in the morning. She comunicates to us that she is happy this way because she says she can still have us both, & love us both plus she gets 2 birtdays a year & christmas hehe! Although we couldnt live together we can still remain good friends to eachother and great parents to our daughter. And thats what is important.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Dear Housewife:

I think you'll agree that not every couple (or former couple) are as fortunate as you appear to be with your ex-husband. Granted, some can remain friends, while still others enjoy an "arms length" relationship - - and it's better that way.

The latter is the type of relationship Ukiah has with her ex-husband. After many months of discussing Ukiah's situation with her as I have, the suggestion that he has made to Ukiah is not in the best interests of their little girl.

One would have hoped that Ukiah's situation could have been much better than it is, but each of us must deal with life's deck of cards handed to us.

Thanks for writing and stating your opinion.

IAAL

 

[Ukiah]

To Housewife;

You stated; "I dont see any problem with sharing your obligations as parents to your daughter. I have a seven year old and she stays half the year with me & the other with her father. The child is not a posetion and she needs her father too. We have them same rules & same schedules at both homes, such as praryers at night & chores in the morning. She comunicates to us that she is happy this way because she says she can still have us both, & love us both plus she gets 2 birtdays a year & christmas hehe! Although we couldnt live together we can still remain good friends to eachother and great parents to our daughter. And thats what is important."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The reality of our relationship is this; We live over 100 miles away from one another (for the last two years). My Fantasy would be as you describe. BUT, since my X would like me to leave and never come back and give up my relationship with my daughter (which I will never do), he does his best to make things as hard on US as possible. He has even left my name off medical and dental records, and I just recently discovered he has left my name off school records. This isn't even the tip of it!!

The reason why I stated that his offer was appealing is because I want to be able to have a friendly relationship with THEM, which is impossible- because they pry for information from me, and do not tell me what is going on with them, even the simplest issues are hard to get straight answers out of them (he tells me one thing his wife tells me another, then I find out something completely different).

It's all mind games, and control issues, with the focus on Money (from their point of view).

I know IF we lose this case - we'll be worse off than before. He'll ask for more money, and try to control US more, and you name it.

If I am awarded custody of my little girl, I know things will get better, because HE will know that this new court system we are in has seen through him, and he has no choice but to get along with me, and change the way he interacts with me. THIS IS WHAT I AM HOPING FOR.

I just want my daughter somewhere where I KNOW she can be helped, with self esteem and confidence issues. She's been with them for 4-5 years now and has not shown signs of improvement in these areas, as well as new issues rising. I don't care about the money, what I plan to do with the support I get from him, is put it in my daughters bank account for college.

Thank you for your opinion, it does give me hope that some day we will get along.


TO MSM;

It is sad to see a woman who is easily willing to put the health and welfare of a child aside for her own purposes. This is why I don't think I can ever fully trust them - BUT I am willing to try for my daughters sake.


TO ALL;

I will not agree with his suggestion as our daughter will not have the ability to establish herself in school, with friends, and in the comunity we live by being shuffled year by year to two different cities.


Ukiah




[Edited by Ukiah on 07-17-2001 at 05:08 PM]

 

[Grandma B]

Bravo, Ukiah

Had been wondering about you lately. Will be thinking of and praying for you throughout.

 

[Ukiah]

Thanks GMA B!

I've been busy with my new job, and spending time with my little one, and going thru all the codes, and the CD my "Mentor" gave me. And preparing for everything, over and over again.

We've been in court a few times in the past few months and go again in August. I must say, I am impressed with the way the New Court System has handeled our case, we've only had one continuance - and that's because the X hasn't turned in things the Judge ordered him to.

I've just got to remember that I can't get too excited though, I don't want a big let down, if things go the other way. Though I am able to handle it this time - IF it does go that way.

Thanks for asking!
Ukiah