Incompetent Adult Child/Sterilization

What is the name of your state? Ohio

We have an 18 year old "wild child" that is learning disabled (low IQ), bipolar and has a multitude of other behavior and developmental disorders. She's currently at boarding school and is on a waiting list for a MR/DD residential unit. She needs constant supervision in everyday activities and has to be reminded to do simple, routine life skills (e.g. hygiene, medicine, cleaning, etc.). In other words, she really can't take care of herself.

She currently receives SSI and was deemed "incompetent" to handle her own finances, thus my spouse was named Representative Payee.

She is obsessed with having a boyfriend now and is confused about birth control and STD's. She could never be competent enough to be a mother and we want her tubes tied very soon.

Also, her medications are very strong and could cause serious birth defects. If she were to abstain from these meds while pregnant, she would be very violent and/or suicidal.

What is the legal approach to forcing her to get her tubes tied? We've heard that all we need is a letter from a psychiatrist to the gynocologist stating that she's incompetent. Is it really this simple? Or do we need to file this statement in court and then get their permission for sterilization? What if she refuses to a tubal ligation?

We're afraid to broach the subject to our MR/DD caseworker because they're such advocates for their "rights." We know damn well that our daughter would never care for herself nor for a child, and we are not in a position to raise a grandchild.

We have not filed for POA nor Guardianship at this point because we're very close to having her committed to MR/DD and don't feel the need to spend so much money with lawyers and court filing.

Thanks in advance for any help - - we sure need it.

wow i would say you do. i dont think anything i have to say will help you but, thoughtid throw in my two cents.

In one aspect , i dont think its right to make decisions for another person, especiallyabout their body. Then, you sayshe is incomp., cant take care of herself, much less a baby and recieves ssi.
sso, in this aspect i would figure the state would end up taking care of yet another (her baby if she has one). in the longrun and looking at the whole of the situation, doesnt make me feel good to say it, but i dont think she should have a child either. there has to be somethingg else that can be done though, other than forcing her to alter her body.
this is just one of those situations you really, really have to put some thought into.

We researched the Pill and Depo-Provera. She isn't a candidate for these because of asthma, depression and past liver problems. The side effects of these hormonal-altering drugs are awful and would surely be horrendous mixed with her current anti-psychotic meds. She's a rapid-cycling bipolar and has her meds titrated often. If she got pregnant while taking these powerful meds, the baby would have severe birth abnormalities. If she stopped taking the meds for a pregnancy (advisable), she would most likely hurt or kill someone. She has documented previous violent behavior.

Friday she came home from boarding school and was absolutely out of control in a manic rage. We sent her to her bio-mom's (also bipolar) and then bought ourselves a spa/hot tub!

We made an appointment to see a gyno in December. Hopefully the doc will give us some med/legal guidance on tubal ligation.

Well, for non-hormonal birth control, there's always an IUD....the copper T is good for ten years now. She'd have to check the string occasionally, though.

Norplant is still problematical, mainly in removing it after 5 years. Plus, norplant is hormonal.

Does your daughter have problems with her periods, and hygiene at those times? If she agrees/you get an ok for/ the sterilization, you can have an endometrial ablation done at the same time. The lining of the uterus is burned out with one of three methods, and she'll never have to mess with a period again (it possibly may still be there, but it'll be extremely light, for about 3ish days, max).

I'm bipolar, so I have an idea what you must be dealing with. With your daughter's mental retardation, she's unable to understand what's going on with her moods. I know when I get manic, I KNOW I'm manic, but can't do anything internally to control it. :P

Good luck with this,
Jeanne

Liquidfrequency -- thanks for your insight. She does not realize when she's manic and is hostile and in denial. Yet when she's caught in a lie or 'forgets' something, she says, "I must have been manic at that time." She's a master manipulator and is quite proud of herself that she likes to "mess with people's heads."

She's caught up in peer pressure in her dorm setting and gets a lot of attention dressing like the current pop stars (Brittney, Christina, etc.), and getting way too much attention from the boys. She is contstantly getting into trouble at school and home for her innapropriate dress, but she doesn't care that she's sending the wrong signals to the boys - - she is an attention junkie. She was reprimanded several times for going off-campus with one boy who tried to get her to go to a hotel. He showed her condoms and told her if she didn't "give it up" he would break up with her.

We had several emergency meetings at the school and they were forced to break up. But now that she turned the magic age of 18, the school is telling us that she doesn't have to listen to our rules any longer. Isn't that crazy? The day before her birthday she had rules, then at age 18, she's an "adult." Bull!

She's been tested and evaluated at: a 3rd grade math level; 7th grade reading; age 8-10 emotionally; and age 10-12 socially.

As much as she likes to dress up for the boys, she's not cognizant of her hygiene. I won't go into details, but I'll tell you that her grandmother takes her shopping nearly every month to buy new underwear - - because she "forgets / is too busy / is too embarassed" to, uh, change her "things." Every 6 months we give her a calendar to keep track of her period and to know when to expect it. She could care less. A similar problem occured a couple of years ago with urinating. She peed her pants every single day at school because she was "too busy" to go to the restroom. The biggest problem is that she didn't care!!!!

As far as the IUD is concerned, I can't imagine her knowing what to look for when checking the string. Those things are painful and cause heavy bleeding, cramps, and longer periods.

I've never heard of the endometrial ablation, that would probably be very convenient for her.

Thanks for your help and thanks for listening to me rant!

You're welcome, Angus

The ablation also causes sterility, as the egg has nowhere to implant. Most doctors require a tubal to be done at the same time, in order to make sure that an egg doesn't get fertilized and try to implant.

The danger with having an ablation and no tubal is that if one teeny patch of endometrium is missed, the fertilized egg could implant there (this is one in a million type of odds), and then when the baby is born, the placenta won't detach from the uterine wall, as it has grown into the muscular wall. This can cause the woman to bleed to death.

I had both done, as hubby and I don't want kids, never did. I've been thrilled with it, and recovery was only about three-four days, and percocet helped a lot

The tubal's done laparoscopically, so only two teeny incisions, with one stitch each. There's some drainage from the ablation, but it's not bad. If you find a gyn that's good, you can talk to him/her about doing a d/c (dilation and curettege) first, right before the ablation (same time), and this greatly cuts down on the amount of drainage afterwards.

The other option to thin out the lining before the ablation is to use a Lupron shot for six months. This is a hormone shot that stops estrogen production, so the lining thins out. I do not recommend this for your daughter. Suddenly being put into menopause would not be a good thing!! My doc did the d/c, and it worked wonders.

If she's not sure about not having kids, and agreeing to the tubal, have her spend some time with the whiniest, screaming kids you can find. Let her know that if she ever did have a baby, all the running around would stop, and those sexy clothes would not fit her again. Show her allll the negatives (I'm predicating this that on her understanding level this might work?) and she may realize/understand that a baby would be a bad thing for her.

Good luck!!!

Jeanne

[Bigfoot]

You haven't filed for POA or guardianship because you are too self-centered on your own needs, i.e., ridding yourself of this imperfect child. You haven't indicated any fear or concern about the physical aspect of sex, or even rape, of your 'wild child'. Although not a big advocate of some mental health facilities, somehow I feel that your 'child' will be better off without you AND your new hot tub.

i found that hottub comment abit unnerving myself. glad i wasnt the only one

Bigfoot - - We're not "ridding" ourselves of an imperfect child. It's in her best interest to be in the hands of professionals that deal with developmental disabilities and mental illnesses as she can NOT care for herself. At this point in her life, it's all about preventative measures and damage control. We've worked closely with her schools, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, physical therapists, etc. to put a plan together so she's not homeless, unemployed, ill or worse.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, she had an ex-boyfriend that was coercing her to have sex, so you should read the whole thread before you flame me. In another incident at school, a boy surprised her with a kiss and she was screaming 'rape' all over the campus. This was not a 'rape' at all as adults were present. She is very naive and confused when it comes to adult and sexual situations. I won't bother to give you examples of other incidents, but do know they were delusions and she was subsequently hospitalized.

There are some things in life with these low IQ people that they just don't/won't/can't understand. We have learned that she will most likely NOT progress in math, hygiene, social and life skills, and sexual relationships - as verified by all the professionals listed above. I am well aware of dangers of mentally ill people as a life-long friend of mine became bipolar and schizophrenic after college. She was a successful chemist but became frightfully dangerous and now lives in a group home. So you see, we have not given up on our "wild child." We will continue to be parents even when she lives in a group home with mental health and MR/DD professionals.

I should have known better than to mention the spa - I knew I'd get ripped on that one. You have no idea of the sacrifices we've made to insure that "wild child" has had everything she needs. I quit my job so that the kids weren't alone after school. The last time she threw a rollerblade at our son's head was the day I quit. I've been to her schools multiple times for "emergency" meetings because she threatened to stab her classmates. I've locked up and hidden every knife and other potential weapons. I took her to ettiquette classes, group therapy, teen therapy, individual psych counseling, family counseling, school board meetings, IEP meetings and joined special ed and mental health groups. We hired a new psychiatrist that was 50 miles away and took her there weekly for years. Did I mention that she was a preemie and she's deaf? We filed a complaint with the Ohio Department of Education because her previous school would not hire an interpreter. We then filed a lawsuit against her school and won. She was then transferred to a special ed school. She's had multiple surgeries, several hearing aids, and has been in a psych hospital. We had zero help from her bio-mom and we've had crappy insurance or no insurance at times. We've endured identity theft, threats, and fraud from her bio-mom. And guess what? I'm the step-mother! I could have walked away a long time ago from my husband, his daughter, and his "baggage." I don't know any other 2nd wife that would put up with this turmoil and heartache. But I never thought of leaving - I love my husband, his daughter and our family. I gave up a job I loved, never had a honeymoon or vacation, exchanged my Christmas gift cards for cash so I could pay for her hearing aids or psych bills. Both of our kids are high school seniors and we are finally treating ourselves to one "indulgence." I don't feel guilty in the least bit. We deserve it.

I'll think of you BigMouth, er, Bigfoot while I'm hot tubbing . . .

[Bigfoot]

Hope you're offended, especially if it's a new emotion.

[nextwife]

Bigfoot, NOT every woman endowed with a working uterus should necessarily USE it. NOT every woman who CAN SHOULD make a baby. The woman described is clearly not in any position to parent a child.

We had zero help from her bio-mom and we've had crappy insurance or no insurance at times. We've endured identity theft, threats, and fraud from her bio-mom. And guess what? I'm the step-mother! I could have walked away a long time ago from my husband, his daughter, and his "baggage." I don't know any other 2nd wife that would put up with this turmoil and heartache. But I never thought of leaving - I love my husband, his daughter and our family. I gave up a job I loved, never had a honeymoon or vacation, exchanged my Christmas gift cards for cash so I could pay for her hearing aids or psych bills.

angus


sounds to me like maybe you have thought about it.
all the things you go on and on about.....you must have thought about leaving the "baggage" as you call it