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Thread: Pregnant with boyfriend yet still legally married to estranged husband... Advice?

  1. #1
    Anonymous11 is offline Junior Member
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    Question Pregnant with boyfriend yet still legally married to estranged abusive husband...

    Currently residing in CA

    I left my estranged husband in 09' due to domestic violence. Since then, both he and I have moved on and had no contact, but we never actually got around to filing for a divorce. We are not legally separated; we just don't have anything to do with each other especially since he was a batterer. I met and became involved with someone else in Feb 10' and together, my boyfriend and I moved from KS to CA in 11' to start a new life. My boyfriend has always known that I'm still "legally" married to my ex, but he doesn't care as we both feel that it is nothing more than a meaningless piece of paper. My estranged husband is also in a serious relationship with another woman and he still lives in KS. Here's my issue: I am now 7 months pregnant with my boyfriends baby (this will be my very first child) and we are very excited and in love - but since I am still technically married to my estranged husband, I want to know if/how I can get a no hassle uncontested divorce (which I know he will agree to) if that is possible before the baby arrives at the end of November. I want to be able to put my boyfriends name on the birth certificate, without issue, as he is the rightful father. What can I do?

    Thanks.
    Last edited by Anonymous11; 09-08-2012 at 02:58 AM.
  2. #2
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    Currently residing in CA

    I left my estranged husband in 09' due to domestic violence. Since then, both he and I have moved on and had no contact, but we never actually got around to filing for a divorce. We are not legally separated; we just don't have anything to do with each other especially since he was a batterer. I met and became involved with someone else in Feb 10' and together, my boyfriend and I moved from KS to CA in 11' to start a new life. My boyfriend has always known that I'm still "legally" married to my ex, but he doesn't care as we both feel that it is nothing more than a meaningless piece of paper.

    Well, you're about to find out that marriage isn't just a meaningless piece of paper....


    My estranged husband is also in a serious relationship with another woman and he still lives in KS. Here's my issue: I am now 7 months pregnant with my boyfriends baby (this will be my very first child) and we are very excited and in love - but since I am still technically married to my estranged husband, I want to know if/how I can get a no hassle uncontested divorce (which I know he will agree to) if that is possible before the baby arrives at the end of November. I want to be able to put my boyfriends name on the birth certificate, without issue, as he is the rightful father. What can I do?

    Thanks.

    You're not getting a divorce before the child is born. Why? Because the court will not b a s t a r dize (and yes, that's a legal term) a child.

    Your husband needs to sign off on paternity before your boyfriend can do anything relating to the child. Because at the moment, your husband will be considered the child's legal father.
    Antigone* likes this.
  3. #3
    Anonymous11 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    Well, you're about to find out that marriage isn't just a meaningless piece of paper....





    You're not getting a divorce before the child is born. Why? Because the court will not b a s t a r dize (and yes, that's a legal term) a child.

    Your husband needs to sign off on paternity before your boyfriend can do anything relating to the child. Because at the moment, your husband will be considered the child's legal father.
    What if my estranged husband and I have agreed not to mention the pregnancy in the divorce papers?
  4. #4
    Proserpina is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    What if my estranged husband and I have agreed not to mention the pregnancy in the divorce papers?


    You'll be committing fraud.

    You have read the relevant paperwork, yes?
  5. #5
    Anonymous11 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    Well, you're about to find out that marriage isn't just a meaningless piece of paper....





    You're not getting a divorce before the child is born. Why? Because the court will not b a s t a r dize (and yes, that's a legal term) a child.

    Your husband needs to sign off on paternity before your boyfriend can do anything relating to the child. Because at the moment, your husband will be considered the child's legal father.
    Quote Originally Posted by Proserpina View Post
    You'll be committing fraud.

    You have read the relevant paperwork, yes?

    No, that's why I need advice. My ex is aware of the pregnancy and he wants to be left out of it since he's not the father. He knows how much it means to me that I'm pregnant since I struggled with infertility for 15 years, and also he feels that he owes me a lot after all the physical and emotional abuse he put me through when we were together. Basically, he doesn't want to cause any trouble for me and my new family, and I really appreciate that. (btw, the only reason we didn't take care of the divorce before was due to lack of money, but now I'm financially able to handle it.)
  6. #6
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    What if my estranged husband and I have agreed not to mention the pregnancy in the divorce papers?
    Then you are committing fraud which is an illegal act and shows that you have no qualms about being a criminal. Congrats, liar.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  7. #7
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    No, that's why I need advice. My ex is aware of the pregnancy and he wants to be left out of it since he's not the father. He knows how much it means to me that I'm pregnant since I struggled with infertility for 15 years, and also he feels that he owes me a lot after all the physical and emotional abuse he put me through when we were together. Basically, he doesn't want to cause any trouble for me and my new family, and I really appreciate that. (btw, the only reason we didn't take care of the divorce before was due to lack of money, but now I'm financially able to handle it.)
    What you do to follow the law and NOT be a big fat liar and commit fraud, is file for divorce, ask to have your boyfriend added as a party, your boyfriend can establish paternity during the divorce while your husband's paternity is disestablished. Your ex does not get to be left out of it because he is NOT your ex yet. He may not be your current bed buddy, but legally he is NOT your ex and is still your current.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  8. #8
    Anonymous11 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    What you do to follow the law and NOT be a big fat liar and commit fraud, is file for divorce, ask to have your boyfriend added as a party, your boyfriend can establish paternity during the divorce while your husband's paternity is disestablished. Your ex does not get to be left out of it because he is NOT your ex yet. He may not be your current bed buddy, but legally he is NOT your ex and is still your current.
    Ok, I didn't say that we are planning to omit the pregnancy from the divorce proceedings. I only asked if we could do that legally because my estranged husband suggested it since it's technically not a lie to say that I'm not pregnant WITH HIS CHILD. Since I don't know the law, that's why I asked to know if we could even do that. That's all. I had a feeling the chances were slim, but thought I'd ask anyway. Of course when I get the money together, I'm going to go to an attorney and tell them my situation. I'm just getting advice in the meantime so I have an idea what to be prepared for. I haven't lied about anything.

    What is more important is - I want to know if I can have the divorce taken care of while I am pregnant (hopefully to be over with before the baby is born), or if I'll have to wait until after the baby is born and what paper work might need to be done, etc.

    People who have not walked in your shoes have no right to judge you, but since some people are unable to do that with understanding and compassion - that's why I chose to remain anonymous.
  9. #9
    Ohiogal is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    Ok, I didn't say that we are planning to omit the pregnancy from the divorce proceedings. I only asked if we could do that legally because my estranged husband suggested it since it's technically not a lie to say that I'm not pregnant WITH HIS CHILD. Since I don't know the law, that's why I asked to know if we could even do that. That's all. I had a feeling the chances were slim, but thought I'd ask anyway. Of course when I get the money together, I'm going to go to an attorney and tell them my situation. I'm just getting advice in the meantime so I have an idea what to be prepared for. I haven't lied about anything.

    What is more important is - I want to know if I can have the divorce taken care of while I am pregnant (hopefully to be over with before the baby is born), or if I'll have to wait until after the baby is born and what paper work might need to be done, etc.

    People who have not walked in your shoes have no right to judge you, but since some people are unable to do that with understanding and compassion - that's why I chose to remain anonymous.
    You can file for divorce now, reveal to the court you are pregnant and name your boyfriend as the putative father, ask to make your boyfriend a party to the divorce, request paternity testing upon the birth of the child to exclude your husband, and get divorced AFTER paternity is established. A court IS going to judge you. Hence why the person who presides is called a "JUDGE".
    mmmagique likes this.
    Parents should remember 3 things: Love your kids more than you hate your ex; when you have children the relationship with the other parent is until death; your children determine what type of nursing home you end up in.
    Nothing stated by me should be taken as giving you legal advice or forming an attorney/client relationship.

    Attorney-GAL in Ohio.

    I've removed the knife from my back, polished it, and will one day return it -- long after you think I have forgotten.
  10. #10
    Anonymous11 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiogal View Post
    You can file for divorce now, reveal to the court you are pregnant and name your boyfriend as the putative father, ask to make your boyfriend a party to the divorce, request paternity testing upon the birth of the child to exclude your husband, and get divorced AFTER paternity is established. A court IS going to judge you. Hence why the person who presides is called a "JUDGE".

    Thanks for the advice. I will be consulting an attorney, but I am glad to have this preparatory advice - as I don't want to do anything to create a bigger mess.
  11. #11
    swalsh411 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    What is more important is - I want to know if I can have the divorce taken care of while I am pregnant (hopefully to be over with before the baby is born), or if I'll have to wait until after the baby is born and what paper work might need to be done, etc.
    First of all, you're due in 2 months which is not enough time even if you were not pregnant. Secondly, since you are pregnant, no Court will b a s t a r d i z e a child. They will not allow you to get a divorce while pregnant. You've already been told this. You must disclose if you are pregnant and if you do not then it's fraud and that's illegal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    People who have not walked in your shoes have no right to judge you, but since some people are unable to do that with understanding and compassion - that's why I chose to remain anonymous.
    One does not need to have committed fraud in order to tell somebody else that committing fraud is not right.

    It was very irresponsible of you to allow another man to get you pregnant while you were still married.
  12. #12
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous11 View Post
    People who have not walked in your shoes have no right to judge you, but since some people are unable to do that with understanding and compassion - that's why I chose to remain anonymous.
    LOL Everyone here is pretty much anonymous, so you're not that special based on your username.

    As for the rest? YOU chose to post here, and we go only by what you choose to share. I don't know why it surprises you that people think you should finish one relationship before firing up a new one - especially when you choose to include a child.

    You could always choose to pay a lawyer.
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    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by stealth2 View Post
    LOL Everyone here is pretty much anonymous, so you're not that special based on your username.

    As for the rest? YOU chose to post here, and we go only by what you choose to share. I don't know why it surprises you that people think you should finish one relationship before firing up a new one - especially when you choose to include a child.

    You could always choose to pay a lawyer.
    That is maybe a little harsh in this instance. After all, they separated three years ago and the only reason they haven't divorced prior to this was because they could not afford to do so. Its not like she jumped into pregancy with someone else just a few months after splitting from her husband...we have certainly seen enough of THOSE kinds of cases.
  14. #14
    Mnemosyne is offline Member
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    It costs less money to obtain an uncontested divorce than it does to raise an infant.

    Quote Originally Posted by LdiJ View Post
    That is maybe a little harsh in this instance. After all, they separated three years ago and the only reason they haven't divorced prior to this was because they could not afford to do so.
  15. #15
    LdiJ is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mnemosyne View Post
    It costs less money to obtain an uncontested divorce than it does to raise an infant.
    Of course it does...however for many people the filing fees alone for an unconstested divorce are beyond their immediate resources. Which is something that is often overlooked by these forums.

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