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Step Mom Telling Son Unappropriate Things

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au83

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oklahoma, Cleveland County Courts.

Short Background: My Sons Father and I had a brutal custody battle when he was 3. Started when I asked for child support, grew into a custody battle. Myself not having much court experience thought it was a simple enough case of money dispute and did not go in prepared. They came in with TONS of accusations, and basically made me look like a piece of crap trailor trash, and him, this poor victimized loving father. I lost custody of my son to him, and ended up paying him child support and getting every other weekend visits with my son. This is esp devestating bc he was never an active part of my sons life until he met his gf, now wife, who over the years almost appears to be trying to be my sons mom, and phase me out completely.

The four instances of unappropriate statements: When son was about 4, he told me of a game he played with his step mom. They made a fold out paper game, the kind you put on your hand, write things on each flap, pick a number, count open and shutting the flaps til you hit your number. They were writing funny things on each flap. He wrote 'you eat spiders.' She wrote 'you dance naked'. I asked him did you do the things on the flaps. He said no, it was just funny stuff.

2. When my son was 5, she was preg with her 1st child, his half brother. She told him that she was scared to have a baby bc it was going to come out of her private. And milk was going to come out of her boobs. He told me this, bc he told me 'I know where babies come from' I said 'where' he said all this, told me she told him bc he asked. I was furious, but didn't mention to his dad or her.

3. Im not sure how the conversation started, but last summer (7 yrs.) somehow she told my son that if someone gets pregnant and doesnt want to have a baby, they can go to a dr. and he will kill it. (abortion.)
4. He is now 8. She recently told him that they want to have another baby. Somehow this brought on a conversation inwhich she told him her and his dad have to have s-e-x to make the baby. I asked him 'do you know what that means?' he said 'no.' So I left it at that. My son has never even kissed a girl and is still at that girls are icky stage. I don't understand why she keeps telling him weird things, or what will be next if I don't do SOMETHING.!!

She has been around my son since he was 3. She used to call herself "Mommy _______" in the beginning, which my son quickly took to. Then after they got custody, he started calling her "mom" and me "mommy." This has only recently appeared to have ceased bc iv brought it up anytime iv seen it (to sons dad) After I lost custody, they were alienating very badly, planning his time around his step mom, she does his school functions (im not even told usually) building close relationships with daycare and teachers so I appear as the deadbeat mom. I even recieved a text from step mom inwhich she was bad mouthing me and meant to send to daycare teacher. Some of that has died down, as its been 4 years and I think her insecurity has gotten better. But I am still in search of answers. I don't really want to just have a talk with them, bc that always ends up in disagreeance and accomplishing nothing. I know he will excuse her actions or brush off. What else can I do? am I wrong to be so upset? I can just see the writing on the wall for my son. Her continuing to tell him weird things and in turn, making him weird. I should also mention that everyone who knows her (inlaws and old high school friends) thing she is a bit on the psycho side. I've talked to a lawyer about having her mentally evaluated, to deem if she's fit but this is very intense and expensive. Am I wrong to be apprehensive about this? Need good solid advice from someone with experience!
 
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Proserpina

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oklahoma, Cleveland County Courts.

Short Background: My Sons Father and I had a brutal custody battle when he was 3. Started when I asked for child support, grew into a custody battle. Myself not having much court experience thought it was a simple enough case of money dispute and did not go in prepared. They came in with TONS of accusations, and basically made me look like a piece of crap trailor trash, and him, this poor victimized loving father. I lost custody of my son to him, and ended up paying him child support and getting every other weekend visits with my son. This is esp devestating bc he was never an active part of my sons life until he met his gf, now wife, who over the years almost appears to be trying to be my sons mom, and phase me out completely.

The four instances of unappropriate statements: When son was about 4, he told me of a game he played with his step mom. They made a fold out paper game, the kind you put on your hand, write things on each flap, pick a number, count open and shutting the flaps til you hit your number. They were writing funny things on each flap. He wrote 'you eat spiders.' She wrote 'you dance naked'. I asked him did you do the things on the flaps. He said no, it was just funny stuff.
Not seeing a problem with that.

2. When my son was 5, she was preg with her 1st child, his half brother. She told him that she was scared to have a baby bc it was going to come out of her private. And milk was going to come out of her boobs. He told me this, bc he told me 'I know where babies come from' I said 'where' he said all this, told me she told him bc he asked. I was furious, but didn't mention to his dad or her.
Not seeing a problem with that, either. Shouldn't he know?

3. Im not sure how the conversation started, but last summer (7 yrs.) somehow she told my son that if someone gets pregnant and doesnt want to have a baby, they can go to a dr. and he will kill it. (abortion.)
I'm seeing a pattern here.

4. He is now 8. She recently told him that they want to have another baby. Somehow this brought on a conversation inwhich she told him her and his dad have to have s-e-x to make the baby. I asked him 'do you know what that means?' he said 'no.' So I left it at that. My son has never even kissed a girl and is still at that girls are icky stage. I don't understand why she keeps telling him weird things, or what will be next if I don't do SOMETHING.!!
She seems to be doing what you're not - explaining the facts of life.

She has been around my son since he was 3. She used to call herself "Mommy _______" in the beginning, which my son quickly took to. Then after they got custody, he started calling her "mom" and me "mommy." This has only recently appeared to have ceased bc iv brought it up anytime iv seen it (to sons dad) After I lost custody, they were alienating very badly, planning his time around his step mom, she does his school functions (im not even told usually) building close relationships with daycare and teachers so I appear as the deadbeat mom. I even recieved a text from step mom inwhich she was bad mouthing me and meant to send to daycare teacher. Some of that has died down, as its been 4 years and I think her insecurity has gotten better. But I am still in search of answers. I don't really want to just have a talk with them, bc that always ends up in disagreeance and accomplishing nothing. I know he will excuse her actions or brush off. What else can I do? am I wrong to be so upset? I can just see the writing on the wall for my son. Her continuing to tell him weird things and in turn, making him weird. I should also mention that everyone who knows her (inlaws and old high school friends) thing she is a bit on the psycho side. I've talked to a lawyer about having her mentally evaluated, to deem if she's fit but this is very intense

Are you kidding?
 

ecmst12

Senior Member
Your son should have been taught where babies come from before age 5. He should CERTAINLY know by now at age 8. NOTHING that she has done was inappropriate and YOU are doing him a disservice by not teaching him the facts of life. Do you really want him to find out from his friends first?
 

au83

Junior Member
The fact is I'm uncomfortable with her telling my son these things. I don't believe his mind is mature enough to even know this stuff, which he wouldn't know if she wasn't telling him bc neither his father nor I have brought it up. He's in 3RD GRADE. He plays with action figures and stuffed animals. He's not a tween, or a teen, he's not at the age I feel is old enough to start discussing sex or babies or girls parts. She tells him these things on her own, not in the presence of son's father or anyone else. And no one even knows about these discussions unless son brings it up. I find it creepy. And I feel uneasy about her telling my son physical stuff on her own whims without consulting anyone. It bothers me. And I Do feel its a real issue. Seriously? Did you sit your kid down at 5- in kindergarden, when they're still learning to spell their own names and say, hey a baby's going to come out of my private? Thats infuriating to me. And that's my right as a parent to decide what's best for him. Seriously. It's not a custodial/non-custodial issue. Nor is she a custodial guardian anyway.
 

ecmst12

Senior Member
You are wrong about him not being mature enough to handle the facts, and it doesn't matter that you're uncomfortable with it. Get over it.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
The fact is I'm uncomfortable with her telling my son these things. I don't believe his mind is mature enough to even know this stuff, which he wouldn't know if she wasn't telling him bc neither his father nor I have brought it up. He's in 3RD GRADE. He plays with action figures and stuffed animals. He's not a tween, or a teen, he's not at the age I feel is old enough to start discussing sex or babies or girls parts. She tells him these things on her own, not in the presence of son's father or anyone else. And no one even knows about these discussions unless son brings it up. I find it creepy. And I feel uneasy about her telling my son physical stuff on her own whims without consulting anyone. It bothers me. And I Do feel its a real issue. Seriously? Did you sit your kid down at 5- in kindergarden, when they're still learning to spell their own names and say, hey a baby's going to come out of my private? Thats infuriating to me. And that's my right as a parent to decide what's best for him. Seriously. It's not a custodial/non-custodial issue. Nor is she a custodial guardian anyway.

No, she told him because - in your own words - he ASKED.

And yes, children can be told in an age-appropriate manner where babies come from. No, you CANNOT prevent her - or anyone else, for that matter - from answering questions.

It's obviously not bothering Dad.

Let it go - because you're going to be the one looking silly in court.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
The fact is I'm uncomfortable with her telling my son these things. I don't believe his mind is mature enough to even know this stuff, which he wouldn't know if she wasn't telling him bc neither his father nor I have brought it up. He's in 3RD GRADE. He plays with action figures and stuffed animals. He's not a tween, or a teen, he's not at the age I feel is old enough to start discussing sex or babies or girls parts. She tells him these things on her own, not in the presence of son's father or anyone else. And no one even knows about these discussions unless son brings it up. I find it creepy. And I feel uneasy about her telling my son physical stuff on her own whims without consulting anyone. It bothers me. And I Do feel its a real issue. Seriously? Did you sit your kid down at 5- in kindergarden, when they're still learning to spell their own names and say, hey a baby's going to come out of my private? Thats infuriating to me. And that's my right as a parent to decide what's best for him. Seriously. It's not a custodial/non-custodial issue. Nor is she a custodial guardian anyway.
My kids both knew about babies and sex and girl/boy parts well before 3rd grade. In age-appropriate terms.

In any event - what PROOF do you have that these conversations took place as you describe? (And no, your "immature" 3rd grader's word isn't enough.)
 

I'mTheFather

Senior Member
This is a great book to explain those questions:

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-Come-Peter-Mayle/dp/0818402539

It's recommended for ages 4 and up. Highly regarded. Has cartoon pictures showing *gasp* male and female anatomy and explains/depicts sex in kid-appropriate terms.

Not "unappropriate" at all. Not inappropriate either.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
This is a great book to explain those questions:

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Did-Come-Peter-Mayle/dp/0818402539

It's recommended for ages 4 and up. Highly regarded. Has cartoon pictures showing *gasp* male and female anatomy and explains/depicts sex in kid-appropriate terms.

Not "unappropriate" at all. Not inappropriate either.
YES!

Exactly!
 

au83

Junior Member
I didn't say anything about bringing it up in court, going to court, whatever. I wanted to know advice on how to handle the situation, possibly from a parent whos been in my shoes and how they handled it, coped, whatever. I didn't ask for everyone to be sheisty and hateful. I told my honest feelings as a parent. Im pissed off. Im upset bc she co-parented, minus both parents. And told my son things that neither parent was ready to address, or else we would have. And your right, it's not bothering dad- bc he's never been clued in. He doesn't know about the conversations. I chose to ignore the first instances, bc I felt like if I made an issue of it, she'd keep pressing on, but if I ignored it, she'd stop. But it just keeps escalating. Year by year. My concern is by the time he's 18, she's gonna have told him all kinds of weird things. Bc no ones saying anything to her about it. She's doing what she pleases, behind closed doors when no ones around and no ones addressing it. But clearly you all have 5-8 year olds who could teach me a thing or two about sex ed and baby making. Thats a dam shame. And no judge would laugh me out of court bc I didnt plan on hiring a lawyer and making this a huge fight. I just wanted to see what other parents had experienced, which no one has had a single bit to offer, and how they'd handled it.. Either side. Parent, step parent, guardian or non-custodial. No one has had a shred of positive or productive advice. Thanks. Big Ups to you all.
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
I didn't say anything about bringing it up in court, going to court, whatever. I wanted to know advice on how to handle the situation, possibly from a parent whos been in my shoes and how they handled it, coped, whatever. I didn't ask for everyone to be sheisty and hateful. I told my honest feelings as a parent. Im pissed off. Im upset bc she co-parented, minus both parents. And told my son things that neither parent was ready to address, or else we would have. And your right, it's not bothering dad- bc he's never been clued in. He doesn't know about the conversations. I chose to ignore the first instances, bc I felt like if I made an issue of it, she'd keep pressing on, but if I ignored it, she'd stop. But it just keeps escalating. Year by year. My concern is by the time he's 18, she's gonna have told him all kinds of weird things. Bc no ones saying anything to her about it. She's doing what she pleases, behind closed doors when no ones around and no ones addressing it. But clearly you all have 5-8 year olds who could teach me a thing or two about sex ed and baby making. Thats a dam shame. And no judge would laugh me out of court bc I didnt plan on hiring a lawyer and making this a huge fight. I just wanted to see what other parents had experienced, which no one has had a single bit to offer, and how they'd handled it.. Either side. Parent, step parent, guardian or non-custodial. No one has had a shred of positive or productive advice. Thanks. Big Ups to you all.




You don't see YOUR problem here? At all? Not even a teeny little bit?

And by "No one....positive or productive advice", you mean "No one told me what I wanted to hear", correct?
 

Proserpina

Senior Member
(By the way - this is not a support forum. You've apparently been here long enough to know that. Go to a parenting forum to whine)
 
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