step parents rights in Colorado

What is the name of your state? I live in Colorado and I am a step mother. The divorce agreement entails joint custody which is 50-50. Our question is about step parent s rights and their involvement in step childrens school activites, medical treatment, sporting events, et. Recently the natural mother has tried to ban my involvement in class fieldtrips, speaking with teachers, and now even being able to enter my step sons class room. She instructed the principal that since I am not a "natural" parent I have no right to be givin any information from the school, nor should I be allowed access with the exception of picking him up. My husband called the school and insisted that he has given them and myself permission to be comepletely involved in his sons school life, but the school has not allowed me to come into his class room since the ex-wifes request. Do I have any legal rights to be involved, and can she ban me from school and sporting events? This has crushed me, I have been actively involved in my step sons life from the first day. I have previoulsy gone on fieldtrips, was his assistant soccer coach, and helped with class room parties, can this all be taken away legally, and do I have recourse?

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Legally, you have no rights to do anything with the child with the exception of what goes on within the four walls of your home.

Anything you do outside the four walls as regards her child can, and will, be viewed as "interfering" with parental rights and privileges. She could, in fact, obtain a restraining order against you. I would strongly suggest that you not push this issue. Mother will win.

IAAL

[stephenk]

IAAL, my friend, on this one you are mistaken.

Bio-mom can request and the school can refuse the request. Father can indicate that the stepmom is his agent for purposes of all activities the kid is involved in. There is no court order or legal basis to bar stepmom from the school or school functions. I bet stepmom is on the emergency forms for the school to contact if the kid gets sick or hurt.

Let biomom push the matter and file a motion to bar stepmom. What would be the reason? I dont like her? A judge would laugh her out of the court.

Unless the school has a court order barring stepmom from the school or there is some safety/violence issue regarding stepmom, the school is open to a suit from stepmom for preventing her from coming to the school.

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Originally posted by stephenk
IAAL, my friend, on this one you are mistaken.

Bio-mom can request and the school can refuse the request. Father can indicate that the stepmom is his agent for purposes of all activities the kid is involved in. There is no court order or legal basis to bar stepmom from the school or school functions. I bet stepmom is on the emergency forms for the school to contact if the kid gets sick or hurt.

Let biomom push the matter and file a motion to bar stepmom. What would be the reason? I dont like her? A judge would laugh her out of the court.

Unless the school has a court order barring stepmom from the school or there is some safety/violence issue regarding stepmom, the school is open to a suit from stepmom for preventing her from coming to the school.

My response:

Stephen, you may be a little out of your league insofar as Family Law matters are concerned.

Unless a stepparent has "third party rights" that have been ordered by a court, a bioparent (our writer's husband) cannot simply "confer rights" to a stepparent to allow that stepparent to interfere with the rights a bioparent has to decision making. If biomother says, "I do not want you to do this with my child", then that's good enough, and any violation of that right is ground for a Restraining Order.

The biomother has every right to estop a "third party" from interfering in the parent/child relationship, whether or not such relationship is good or bad; e.g., going on field trips with the child may be a "good" thing for the stepparent and child to do from a "moral" standpoint, but can be construed, and held, as an "interference" in the parental relationship nonetheless.

The biomother does not need a "reason" to estop our stepparent writer - - except that our stepparent writer has no rights to interact with the biomother's child in any fashion if the biomother says "Stop it!" and that would be sufficient reason.

Our stepparent writer, without court ordered rights of her own to the child, has no more "right" to do anything with the child than I do. All because our stepparent writer is married to someone with a child, doesn't, in and of itself, "confer" rights to her, any more than it does to me. Marriage is not a "license" to interfere with someone else's child and, again, does not give the biofather any right to confer such "rights." Only a court can confer such "rights."

Biomother can take biofather into court for allowing "parental interference".

How would you like it some "third person" tells your child what to do, what to eat, where to go, etc., etc., etc., if such instructions or interactions to and with your child did not agree with your parenting plan and rights? A bioparent's parental rights are paramount to any third person's "supposed" or "assumed" rights.

Remember, a stepparent is an "interloper" if a bioparent chooses not to allow that stepparent to interact with the child, which if "pressed", could cause biofather all sorts of legal grief.

IAAL

[stephenk]

the examples you gave IAAL of parental interference do not include what the poster is claiming she is doing. volunteering to go on a class field trip or attending a school event does not qualify as parental interference especially if the biomom has no facts that the child's relationship with biomom is being affected. It's obvious that biomom is not attending any of the events or volunteering for field trips.

like i said before, let biomom file a motion with the court. the old "I just dont like her" allegation is not enough to get a judge to bar stepmom from the school. Defended many motions like these when I worked in family law before entering the prestigious insurance defense practice. I moved from the 7th level of Dante's Inferno to level 5.

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Stephen, please reread what this stepparent has said - -

"Our question is about step parent s rights and their involvement in step childrens school activites, medical treatment, sporting events, etc. Recently the natural mother has tried to ban my involvement in class fieldtrips, speaking with teachers . . ."

She wants to be involved with the child in school activities, medical treatment, and speaking with teachers about, with, and concerning the child! Either parent holds the right of medical and educational privacy as regards their child - - and that right defaults to "privacy" when one parent says "No, you shall not ask about, or doing anything concerning, my child's education, or medical, or anything else." The school must follow biomom's demands when there is no court order to the contrary. Stepparents cannot, without court order, usurp the rights, duties and obligations of a bioparent.

If you don't call that "parental interference" or "third party" interference, then I guess, I just don't know what "interference" is.

I have had numerous instances where I've had to file motions and requests for restraining orders against interfering parents (vis-à-vis the stepparent) for having made decisions for a child against the wishes of a bioparent.

The court put the brakes on in each instance.

IAAL

P.S. Not all children are born with a silver spoon in their mouth. So, even if the biomom doesn't involve herself in such matters; e.g., field trips, sporting events, medical decisions, educational decisions, etc., THAT STILL doesn't not give a stepparent the right to make those decisions and to "fill a perceived void" in the child's life. It's not a stepparent's "right" to make decisions concerning what that stepparent may perceive as bad parenting. Some kids have it tough in life - - but, that's life, and it's not up to the stepparent to decide what's good, bad or indifferent for a child that doesn't belong to her.

Your argument in this respect is a "red herring."

Thank you two for the imput, you have given us much to think about. I would like to add that everything I do with my step-son is strickly on our custodial days and after Dad and I have talked. Because his father (my husband) is a Fireman, he works 24 hours on-24 hours off. It is necessary sometimes for me to talk to teachers at school because he can't. I truly feel that it is not healthy for a child to see the adults that should be inspirations or guiding parental figures in their lives excluded from certain areas. I have to believe that when my step son is at his mothers house that she and her husband are BOTH strong parental figures and that they together work as a team. It is a shame to think that I could be restrained from my step son for talking to a teacher about his progress. I have been sick to my stomach all morning trying to find a way to tell my step son that I may no longer be able to be involved with him at school.
I do thank you for the advice, and a well organized arguement. It is clear that I will have to seek out an attorney. I would love to believe I can wait until Bio-Mom files action, but I can't risk having my family seperated because I pushed the wrong issue. How devistating that would be. Stepenk is correct, there has never been an issue of harm, it's always been an issue of Bio-Mom not being involved and retaliating at every opportunity. I am a "stay home" step mom because I believe when I married and accepted my title of "Step Mom", I had to earn it. This one is worth fighting, there is nothing I wouldn't do for him, and that includeds being involved because he is worth it!!!
Thanks again.

P.S. I finished Dante's Inferno (The Hollanders' translation) 2 months ago, your comment...very funny indeed.

After much consideration, if you are correct Liable, then what would prevent a bitter ex-wife from intruding in all areas? If Dad is at work and I need milk from the store and take my step son shopping (outside of my four walls), then she could, under your arguement stop that action too. It sounds like Absolute power. At the VERY LEAST, I could be considered a "baby sitter", baby sitters go to the park, shopping, movies, and even school. Could she potentially force a Bio Dad to fire baby sitters just because she did not like her son with them even if the were efficient? Since harm has never been an issue, I'm so very curious how this all works. I am fearful that everyday activities can become a target for legal action. Dad works 24 hours on-24 hours off, on the days and evenings he is not here I fill my step sons time with arts and crafts, fishing, soccer, and small day trips for two very specific reasons.....the first is so that the time away from Dad is no too upsetting or spent missing him. My step son and I plan our time together, we both look forward to those days. The second reason is because I have nothing but love for him and want him to exprience all that I can show him. If both houses and families can do this, he has a wonderful chance of growing up well rounded. This is not accomplished by bitter legal wars or "slamming" the adults in a childs life. That to me is harm, and terribly unhealthy for any child. It is amazing to me that a restraining order can potentailly be filed to hamper a childs involvement with someone he has bonded with for years. What rational purpose would that serve? Don't the courts look for what is in the best interest of a child?

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Apparently, you're having trouble with the words "No" and "None."

Of course a parent has "absolute power" - - She is the "parent", not you.

Your emotional arguments are of no moment. You are an intrusion, whether you want to think that or not. You are an unwelcome addition to HER child's life and HER prerogatives for how SHE wants her child to be reared.

Your marriage does NOT give you any rights over a natural parent's wishes and demands for THEIR child.

You married into this situation, and therefore, if you don't want to accept the biomother's wishes, then get out. Otherwise, HER wishes are paramount to yours.

Putting your emotional arguments aside (which don't count in a court of law anyway), you have no rights to make decisions for this child. If the child needs milk, you call the mother and get her permission. If you want to go out with the child, and Momma Bear says "No", then you get a babysitter. That's the cross you have to bear for having married into a man's life who had a child with someone else.

If you keep up this attitude, you're going to be in court more often than you like.

This is really very simple, and it's just a matter of you getting into the "swing" of reality.

So, if Momma Bear says "No", it means "No."

IAAL

[HomeGuru]

I have read this entire thread and must agree with IAAL.

i have read all as well and i am a bio mom and feel that this way of looking at things is extrememly childish! i think that Hollis is right. my ex is remarried to an older woman who has never had her own children and i hope that she as the step mom feels the way hollis feels and would want to be involved and help to show the children they have a great benefit that came out of this terrible upset of divorce in their lives. they now have 2 full families who love and care about them very much. at least i hope that is the case. and i feel this ex wife is being childish and should be grateful that someone is there loving her son as hollis is. i hope for your sake hollis that you are able to find a healthy solution to this problem for the childs sake.

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Originally posted by troubledmom
i have read all as well and i am a bio mom and feel that this way of looking at things is extrememly childish! i think that Hollis is right. my ex is remarried to an older woman who has never had her own children and i hope that she as the step mom feels the way hollis feels and would want to be involved and help to show the children they have a great benefit that came out of this terrible upset of divorce in their lives. they now have 2 full families who love and care about them very much. at least i hope that is the case. and i feel this ex wife is being childish and should be grateful that someone is there loving her son as hollis is. i hope for your sake hollis that you are able to find a healthy solution to this problem for the childs sake.

My response:

You said - -

"and i feel this ex wife is being childish and should be grateful that someone is there loving her son as hollis is."

We understand yours and Hollis' "emotional arguments". I too am sure that Hollis is an absolutely wonderful person and terrific stepparent. She sounds terrific to me, and I have absolutely now doubt that she's terrific.

That's not the issue.

The issue is a "legal" one, and whether Hollis should be legally allowed to make decisions for her stepson, whether or not the biomom agrees with Hollis. The answer is simple - - No. When biomom says "No", it means "No." Biomom's wishes, needs, wants, demands, and prerogative for her child's welfare and rearing, come first - - even if Hollis doesn't agree, or if she finds the wishes, needs, wants, demands, and prerogative to be wrong, intrusive, inconvenient, or whatever. It's not Hollis' "call" when it comes to the stepchild.

IAAL

i dont think hollis was asking to make important decisions without biomom involved i think hollis just wanted to be there for her stepson thats all she was asking. not to take over parental rights as far as decisions. why cant they both be there? why cant this child have both his "moms" there for him? what says that cant happen and why cant this biomom just see that and be an adult about it?
i know what you are saying about the emotion thing... i have heard it before from a wise woman whom i consult with on a regular basis and she is always telling me to take the emotions out and i still dont see how since i am human and i am a mother and there is no emotion stronger than that of a mother.

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Originally posted by troubledmom
i dont think hollis was asking to make important decisions without biomom involved i think hollis just wanted to be there for her stepson thats all she was asking. not to take over parental rights as far as decisions. why cant they both be there? why cant this child have both his "moms" there for him? what says that cant happen and why cant this biomom just see that and be an adult about it?
i know what you are saying about the emotion thing... i have heard it before from a wise woman whom i consult with on a regular basis and she is always telling me to take the emotions out and i still dont see how since i am human and i am a mother and there is no emotion stronger than that of a mother.

My response:

You said - -

"i am a mother and there is no emotion stronger than that of a mother."

You answered your own concern with that statement. The biomom, in Hollis' scenario, is saying the same exact thing, and she doesn't want Hollis involved at all. Hollis, for her own "legal safety" needs to learn and understand that concept. Otherwise, she's going to continually find herself in hot, legal, soup.

IAAL