Step- Parents roles and limits

What is the name of your state? Virginia

My Ex- Husband and I have joint custody of our 4 children, he has remarried, under rather unusual circumstances. He met a woman online in a chat situation, they chatted for about 7 months. She is not an U.S citizen, and he had to go to her country to marry her, according to him she could not just come and go or use a passport to come to the US , she is a South African National. I asked him to have her meet the children before they married , he refused. When she finally gets to come to the US (about 5 months after the marriage) she will of course take up residence with him , and my children. We know absolutely nothing about this woman or her backround, I don't believe he and she ever even discussed the issues of raising children. My question is , do I have the right to ask for thier philosphy on raising children, what are her limits on discipline. If he refuses what should be my recourse? Is it resonable to get in writing an agreement of Parent roles and limits, and the outcome of breeching these definitions.

[karma1]

and though it is understandable-not really much you can do about someone your ex marries-legally.
Sure you have every right as a parent to ask these things of your ex and his new wife and if you are working towards co-parenting, which should be the goal, then everyone should be working for the best interest of the children....
But is sounds like this may not be the case and with the exception of child abuse, there is really nothing you can do legally about your ex's parenting style-and it really should be him doing the parenting, not his wife.
Any parenting plan you come up with-and it sounds like you want rules clarified etc.....which may be a good idea on paper, probably doesn't mean much in a court of law...so would not be enforcable.
Sit down and talk with ex-voice your concerns but do it in a way that makes him realize you're looking out for the kids and not trying to control him.
I'm curious-are you remarried and if so, any discussions between the ex and you and new hubby regarding raising these kids?
Also-you trusted this man enough to have 4 kids with him-why the concern now for his choices in a mate?
good luck

Thank you Lovingwife, I appreciate your input. On a couple of issues you mentioned, one being a plan holding up in a court, that is not my intention. I would like to know that we are on the same page with respects to the children. I don't have faith in my ex and his choice , because he doesn't really know her, with exception of internet chat, and of course two weeks to get married. She lives in South Africa and is having some sort of problems getting into the US. When I asked my ex to bring her out here to meet the kids before he married her, he gave me so many fishy answers as to why she couldn't travel to the US. ( INS stated that South African nationals , can travel freely with passports ). I'm really not sure that he has ever spoken to her about childcare. When we were married, he was addicted to the internet chats , and fell in love with an 18 year old, who told him she was dying, he believed it all, we later found out she was fine ! So I am leary of what he knows and even what he doesn't want to know! My kids are concerned because he promised them he wouldn't marry her until she met them, but he had no intentions of that , he just said this to keep the kids from complaining.Basicaly , a total stranger is moving in with my kids. I am not remarried, but I'm just not ready for that leap. I have enough to keep my kids and job and life together, right now.

[VeronicaGia]

Are you and your ex on good terms? If so, when she gets here, invite them over for dinner or a cookout or something. Get to know her yourself, though I wouldn't point blank ask detailed questions. Make her acquaintance as if she was someone you just met who had no ties to him or you. You may find out more that way, plus it will be a good time to get the kids to know her too!

Thanks, I will try something subtle. My kids over heard EX telling new wife how bad I am! So I don't want to fall into his trap. I think I see more clearly- he always is soooooo nice to me, but apparently he feels differently ( not nice), I believe he is setting us both up for a confrontation. So I won't be confrontive . But, I still want both of them to know I won't let my kids be used or hurt in any way. Any ideas on how to approach a pathological liar?

[LegalBeagle]

Originally posted by 12345mom
What is the name of your state? Virginia

My Ex- Husband and I have joint custody of our 4 children, he has remarried, under rather unusual circumstances. He met a woman online in a chat situation, they chatted for about 7 months. She is not an U.S citizen, and he had to go to her country to marry her, according to him she could not just come and go or use a passport to come to the US , she is a South African National. I asked him to have her meet the children before they married , he refused. When she finally gets to come to the US (about 5 months after the marriage) she will of course take up residence with him , and my children. We know absolutely nothing about this woman or her backround, I don't believe he and she ever even discussed the issues of raising children. My question is , do I have the right to ask for thier philosphy on raising children, what are her limits on discipline. If he refuses what should be my recourse? Is it resonable to get in writing an agreement of Parent roles and limits, and the outcome of breeching these definitions.

Legal Answer..
You can ask, but you have no legal recourse to demand an answer. Any agreement you make on parental roles is worthless in court.