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  1. #1
    sylnoah9 is offline Junior Member
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    stepmother won't let me see my 86yr old father

    What is the name of your state? Colorado. I am 61, she is 51. She married my 86 year old father 6 yrs. ago. She has disliked me and my children from the start..critical and controlling. She has now decided since I won't suck up to her, and she thinks I have not visited or called my dad often enough to please her, she has my phone calls blocked, as well as my childrens efforts to call. I am told I am not allowed to visit or call at all. She coerced my dad into agreeing to this, because he can't cope with her being upset about me all the time, he has extreme anxiety attacks, and can not cope with conflict, so he will not confront her..he has told me before he will not disagree with her, it upsets him too much...what upsets her is I don't do what she thinks I should do, so she gets even by punishing me and my children. Does a stepmother have the right to cut off adult children and grandchildren from ever seeing their father and grandfather again? He is getting very frail, has some dementia, and has a bad heart, and could die anytime now. What can I do to get legal rights to call or visit my own father? This is not his decision, he told my brother it was her idea, and he had to go along with it to keep the peace. My father has no problem with me, my stepmother is the one who has the problem...and now has made it my dad's as well. He loves me, and did not want to do this but felt like he had no choice, so to keep the peace between him and her, he had to.
    Last edited by sylnoah9; 03-28-2005 at 02:36 AM. Reason: Additional information
  2. #2
    stealth2 is offline Senior Member
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    Wouldn't it make sense to just let her have her way, so that you CAN see your Dad?
  3. #3
    rmet4nzkx is offline Senior Member
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    Isolation is a common form of elder abuse, please contact APS

    [url]http://www.cdhs.state.co.us/ADRS/AAS/index1.html[/url]
  4. #4
    BlondiePB is offline Senior Member
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    Isolation is a form of elder abuse as Rmet stated. However, calling APS will further antagonize the situation - especially if APS finds that there is no elder abuse occurring. Therefore, it may just be wise for sylnoah9 to take steath2's advise to just "suck up" to dad's wife in order to talk with and visit dad. Then should sylnoah9 view any other forms of elder abuse, call APS.
  5. #5
    sylnoah9 is offline Junior Member
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    86 yr. old dad, reply to suggestions.

    This is in the State of Colorado. I appreciate the responses to my post. Who or what is APA? How do I contact them? I do not have a lot of money as I am a senior myself and on a very low limited income. In response to the suggestions: I have tried to do things her way, but she manages to find something every single time she doesn't like, and criticizes. It has been this way from the start. What used to be ok around my dad, suddenly changed, and behaviors and interactions that the relationship we had prior to her, was no longer "acceptable" and would have to be changed. My dad told me before he married her it was get married or go to a nursing home. He wanted someone to care for him in his old age.....as well as a companion. That was fine with me. However, since he married her, she has gained control of EVERYTHING. He changed his will so that she will get EVERYTHING when he dies. He said he thinks he owes her that for taking care of him. I have no problem with that either, except that she will not even allow him to give me or my siblings or his grandchildren ANY of his personal belongings, things that are of sentimental value from years past... Since their marriage, his property in the mountains has been sold, a new home has been purchased, WITH ALL NEW FURNITURE FOR EVERY ROOM, two new cars have been purchased, and several trips overseas to India have taken place as well as other places. She has control of EVERYTHING. All of this has not been a big problem, I figured if that is what makes dad happy, and he feels she deserves to get everything for taking care of him , so be it. I accepted that. What IS a problem for me is her telling me at Christmas time last year I am no longer allowed to call, email, or visit my dad, and the same applies to my children and his grandchildren. This has REALLY HURT AND UPSET my children, as they have done nothing to deserve this.
    She has been super critical since she first got involved with my dad, and makes issues where there are none. For the last two years, she has severely restricted any visits I made to my dad. Her justification: she has asthma and I smoke. I do NOT and NEVER have smoked in my dad's home. I do NOT and NEVER have smoked around my dad. (I do the same with my other friends, I would NEVER smoke in their home or car if they are a non smoker) So last year I was told I can't come into their home anymore because there is smoke smell on my clothes and it upsets her asthma. (My brother who is a smoker, IS allowed to stay in their home for a week when he comes for a visit from out of state....he goes outside to smoke....but I am sure there is still smoke smell on his clothes.....she doesn't make him wash all his clothes when he arrives, or after he has had a smoke outside.) Then I was told I can not pick up my dad in my car and take him somewhere for a visit because if he sits in my car his clothes will get smoke smell on them, and upset her asthma. So for the last two years, if I want to see my dad at all, it is at a place of her choosing (a resturant), and she brings him there, where I meet them, and she goes inside, pays for his dinner, then leaves for an hour or so, then comes back and picks him up and takes him home. She refused every time I asked her to stay and eat with us.
    My dad is not allowed to come to my place for a visit. Last summer my brother was out for his yearly visit and we asked my dad's wife if she could bring him by for a visit, have some lemonade and cookies, and he could see my flower garden. She refused. Reason was: He would have to sit outside, because of the smoke smell, and he might have to go to the bathroom, which would mean he would have to be in my apartment for a few minutes, and those few minutes would be enough for smoke smell to get on his clothes. So I asked her to just do a "drive by" so he could look at my garden from the car. She refused that too.
    I am a part time artist, and often have my work in local exhibitions. My dad has always enjoyed and been very proud of my accomplishments. I always have invited him (and his wife) to come to the receptions and exhibitions...and he has always enjoyed that....UNTIL his wife decided to interpret my invitations as him being "summoned" or "expected" to come. I was only trying to share my good fortune with him.....so I had to stop asking them to come to any art functions.
    Last year, I was EXCLUDED from his 86th Birthday celebration. It was at a lodge in the mountains. My brother and sister from out of state were included (they both smoke). My contact with my dad was a week later for one hour at a resturant, where she brought him, paid for his meal, then picked him up an took him home. She knew I had already asked for time off from my work for the week my brother and sister would be here, my brother had told her so...I thought I would be part of that Birthday celebration, but found out at the last minute I wasn't (from my brother, she didn't tell me herself).
    Naturally, these restrictions are degrading and humiliating. I tolerated them, but did not see him as often as I used to. Then she decided I don't call my dad often enough to visit on the phone. I called my dad about as often as I always have.....but she won't say HOW often she thinks I should call....she just wants to make sure I know she doesn't approve of how often I do. Then she made up a big deal of a message I left on their answering machine when I did call.....I paraphrased their greeting when I left a message, and she decided it was an insult, when I had no such intention in mind.....she fumed over this for weeks, and finally told my brother (not me) that even though my dad hadn't caught it, I was "insulting" him. So, it seems whatever I do, I am in a no win situation with her. So, I cut back on the calls.
    Then, at Christmas time, she tells my brother to tell me that my behavior has been a problem for her, and she has decided to cut me off as well as my children and grandchildren from ALL contact: mail, email, phone calls have been blocked.
    Since the beginning, she has made no effort to get to know me, to call and just visit, or just the two of us have lunch together (I invited her and she ignored me). It seems to have all been one sided, she has expected me to do things the way she wants, if not, I am given her stamp of disapproval.
    I have done nothing to threaten her. I have disagreed with her on 3 occassions, and each time I have, she has gotten more remote and more demanding and critical. It is like she is telling me she is in control, and if I don't do things exactly as she expects, then I will have no rights at all where my own dad is concerned.
    He did not want to do this. He felt he had to because she was obsessing and fuming about it so much. He did agree to this idea because he wants her to not be upset...and he can't tolerate upset or conflict. Should I try and find a lawyer, or what?
  6. #6
    rmet4nzkx is offline Senior Member
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    That was APS Adult Protective Services, not APA just click on this link that I already proivided
    [url]http://www.cdhs.state.co.us/ADRS/AAS/index1.html[/url]

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