stepparent rights

[fafee]

What is the name of your state? MN

My ex and I share joint physical/legal custody of our children. We each have the children 50% of the time. He is remarried. I do not have any problem with my kids spending time with their step-mom. As far as I know, she treats them well. My concern and question is this. My ex and step-mom feel that she has the right to attend our childrens school conferences, doctor and dental appointments, and has done so in the past. He states that she is their primary caregiver on his scheduled days and states that she needs to attend such things to be informed about them. I feel that these things are the responsibility of the biological parents only. Has anyone run into this situation before and how was it handled. If I took the matter before a judge (I will try mediation first), any idea of how it would be ruled upon? Thank you.

 

[skyy]

I'm a stepmom and do everything biomom would do. I'm on all my child's school forms even listed as the stepmom with biomom listed also. So, I've never had any problems, and I'm contacted first.

I believe IAAL posted something last month about a biomom being able to make a complaint if the stepmom did not stop attending events. Yes, you can be upset about her performing a parental duty. But at the same time, unless you're being left out of the loop or she seems to be undermining your role, she may not be doing harm. If the appointments are only routine, it would be no different than if your mother took the child to the doctor while you went to work.

You can make a issue legally or her not being involved or consulted about your children. But the downside is if an emergency ever occurs and neither you nor your ex can be reached about your child's condition, she'll have to say, "Can't help. So sorry. I'm not allowed to speak on it."

You might want to ask him to consider going to the appts and allowing her to go along instead of attending for him. Or ask for phone conferences with the teacher. Is it possible that he made a request to the school that she be provided information for him?

You can make a complaint. Be sure this is one you want recorded. I've seen a lot of people who are upset later because they want the law to work for the ex but not themselves when they get a spouse.

 

[nailtech]

She has a right to attend with your ex (her husband) but she has no right to attend alone... the only one(s) who have a right to the child(ren) is the bio mom and dad... she can only be a spectator....
She has no legal rights in front of a judge or anywhere else...

but if I may suggest, if things are going well with the step mom, don’t rock the boat with her.... it can make the child’s life a hell, so to speak... if she's being nice to the child and taking care of the child and there are no problems other than your concerns of her attending the child's functions, for the sake of the child then there are no problems In my opinion... chose your battles wisely..

Skyy and I were posting at the same time but after reading their post I had to reply further, If you and your ex were out of pocket and the step parent who truly cared for the child had to make a decision for the child would you not want that? OR would you rather wait a couple of hours until you or your ex could be reached to make a vital decision for the childs sake??

is your concern the step parent or the child? if it's the child, and i'm pretty sure it is,.. then this post is null and void.... RIGHT???

 

[nhunsb1]

I would really think about this before filing a complaint. With your x having 50% custody, she must accept 50% parenting duty. I know that you may not like the situation, but she does play a very important role in your childs life. Your child is blessed to have two women who are willing and able to be a mom. Think about all the other children out there that don't even have one. I'm sure that you have the best intentions for this situation, but I don't think that this needs to become a legal matter (I seriously doubt that it would help the relationship between you and your x's family). Sit down and discuss your concerns with your x and his wife, explain how you feel and why you feel that way. Attempt to find a solution that you all can agree on. Maybe all of you can go together.

 

[fafee]

Step mom has created alot of problems between me and my ex. We used to be able to talk positively about our kids and got along just fine. Now we only argue, mainly about her over-involvement. I have tried talking to him and letting him know how I feel about the situation, but to no avail. She is the type of person that wants to be involved and in control of all situations. My ex is no longer that same person he once was. It's as though he as adopted her personality and has lost his own. There is alot more to the story as this has been going on for about a year. Everything that we used to handle between us is now handled with step-mom calling the shots from his end. I know that step-mom does not like me - I have the nasty letters to prove it. I think it is because I stand up to her for what I believe is right. I also have a very good relationship with our kid's grandparents (his parents) and she does not. They back me 100%. I have never interferred with her relationship with them, she has ruined that on her own. They were having problems with her long before I ever was. I think my only option right now is mediation and see where that leads. Thank you everyone for the past advice and any advice in the future.

 

[haiku]

you know you get more flies with honey....In my opinion, you need to IGNORE the stepmom.

So what if you think dad only listens to her opinion, that makes him sound like a moron, and aren't you glad SHE is married to the moron, and not YOU?

why are YOU standing up to HER? You do not have to talk to her at all, the minute she opens her mouth about something not her business, walk away!

I really think going to court over this is silly. (but thats just me...)

Are YOU going to teachers meetings also? what has happened at these meetings? Unless the child is in crisis they are usually just meet the teacher nights...

I do not see what the big deal is here, unless dad is not going either or making the final decision with you. (whether or not you feel it is "his" is NOT relevent, or your business.)
are you also taking the child to doctors? same thing.

You are both parents you both have a right to this info equally, and who you share it with is your business.

being as she lives with the kids 50% of the time, I do think it is important she be interested in the kids, I know my steps love that I go to open house and see thier work. (my husband and I go at a different time then his ex) it is so important in blended family situations that children feel accepted, and part of your job is to accept the new people in thier lives. Not everyone (maybe stepmom in your case) is capable of it, but someone has to be, how about you?

Also I don't think it is wise to lord it over how much better you get along with his parents, your EX in laws. Isn't her relationship with her in laws, her business? it is not your problem.

any rules you impose on them will have to be imposed on you. Are you going to deny a future husband the chance to visit a teacher or school meeting with you? take the child to a dental cleaning on a day you or ex cannot? Do you want a husband that uninvolved, with children in his house? how are your children going to feel about these rules imposed on people that YOU may not care for but THEY do?

Obviously your ex does not believe his wife is over involved, maybe if you take a step back you will see that it is not as bad as you think.

(Haiku falls off her big soapbox.....)

 

[nhunsb1]

fafee

Your first post and second post paint totally different pictures. If you want a reply that is fitting to your story then you need to post the entire story. Your first post seems like the step mom is just trying to take care of the kids, the second seems like she is a controlling b****. Which is it?

As a note to all people posting questions at the sight:
PLEASE POST ALL RELAVENT INFORMATION!

 

[lpage]

sounds to me like the poster is saying "who the hell does she thing she is" "she got my man now she want's my kids too!"


if your initial post was true then you know that she is probably helping more than hurting (the child that is)
I think it is actually your "toes" that have the blisters

Did it ever occur to you that step mom is spending her time, effort and energy on "YOUR KID" if she is involved the way you 1st admitted 9 times out of 10 it is probably her that has sleepless nights and does the ground work to do what is best for "your kid" and you come off insecure -

legally you could do something - but then you create friction between step child and step parent - then you'll wanna get ticked off if she says "well, since daddy ain't around keep your kid at the house" (remember you started it)

I think you are blessed and don't even know it.

 

[julbug66]

"evil" stepmom's POV

for a second there, i thought you may have been my hubby's ex, but you sound way too intelligent to be her.... she says that i "need to know my place" when it comes to her kids. the thing is that if there's a teacher conference (req'd here when report cards are given out), i go to them in place of my husband simply because he works all day and i'm a SAHM. it's a convenience thing. i know that LEGALLY i have no rights, but most of this stuff is so minor, the only one who makes a big deal about it is their mother. (and she's just a control freak anyway). their doctors and teachers know me more than either of their parents, anyway.

if you really wanted to take her to court over this, i would think you would need to bring a lot of documentation to support your concerns. courts are way too busy to mediate what they see as 'catfights'. and, as my husband's ex and i have learned, sometimes one woman doesnt like the other one, and that's too bad for the both of them. the courts arent going to take the kids away or what have you simply because you "don't like her". if she's hurting your children or is any way harmful or dangerous, that's a different story. and, harmful or dangerous to YOU does not necessarily mean to THEM.

unfortunately, the kids often get dragged into it, and it can cause friction. someone made the point about "causing friction between your child and your ex". from my experience, my hubby's ex has caused a lot of friction that has BACKFIRED AGAINST HER. so, before you make a huge issue out of this, make sure it's worth it.
just my two cents

 

[allen03]

Fafee, why would her attending such things even bother you? Why SHOULDN'T she attend? What HARM is it doing other than "bugging" you? She seems to be doing a LOT of good and I'm not understanding why you want to shut her out of the privilege of attending functions/events. You clearly resent stepmom's involvement. You might want to determine which is more important - the welfare of the child or your resentment of the Stepmom personally. Your ex, the Stepmom, AND your child are very aware of that (your jealousy and resentment) I'm sure.

Shame on you. Children should not be used as pawns.

 

[djohnson]

I'm with everyone else on this one. I don't see a problem with it and even by your second post it seems to be you with the problem because she is there. She is trying to be the best mother to them she can be. She may not be biomom but she has them and is responsible for them as much as you are. I think you are very lucky to have a step mom that cares that much. It sounds like to me she is trying to be involved and I see no reason why she shouldn't be. Maybe until you can deal with situation a little better you could set up separate conferences. One for you and one for them. Most teachers and schools understand this and would be willing. Although I personally think it would be more harmful, 1. because what if something is said in one thats not in the other and would have been beneficial for everyone to know. 2. this shows the children a divided front and they can either use that to their advantage or become really pulled by it. It can hurt them worse in the long run. 3. it makes someone look petty (you can figure out who).

If doing this is not having a negative effect on the kids then I don't see any harm in it and actually thing you are very lucky. By excluding her it makes the dad retell every little thing which can take away from the children alot. If there is specific problems you have I don't think they have came across here. If not and this is it I think you may need counseling to help you start getting over the ex. No one is trying to take your kids, children have enough love for everyone if adults wouldn't spoil it for them.

 

[BUDDAHFULL]

STEP PARENTS RIGHTS

HI THERE, I FELT I HAD TO REPLY TO THIS ONE.LOL

I'M A STEP-MOM OF 2 ADORABLE BOYS, WHOM I THINK ARE SO VERY LUCKY TO HAVE SO MANY PARENTS THAT LOVE THEM. I'M MISSMEL AND THAT SUITS ME JUST FINE
I GET ALONG VERY WELL WITH THE WIFE IN LAW. ITS HARD SOMETIMES, BUT WE BOTH MAKE IT WORK. ITS NOT ABOUT US.ITS ABOUT THE KIDS. SHE KEEPS ME INVOLVED WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON WITH THEM,SCHOOL PLAYS, PARENT TEACHER MEETINGS,COUNSLORS, U NAME IT. SHE ASKS FOR MY OPINION QUITE OFTEN AND WE TALK FOR HOURS ON THE PHONE SOLVING LIFE AND GROWING PROBLEMS. BOTH OF OUR HUSBANDS WORK OUT OF STATE SO THEY AREN'T HOME OFTEN ENOUGH FOR THEM TO DO THAT TOGETHER. SO I GUESS THATS WHERE I FIT IN.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA DEAL WITH IT! PAST IS THE PAST.TIME TO SAVE THESE KIDS FROM FALLING THRU THE CRACKS OF DIVORCE.
LEAVE PETTY STUFF ALONE AND MOVE ON!!

K I'M DONE.LOL. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.

MEL

 

[nhunsb1]

Please read the red letters at the top of the page.

 

[BUDDAHFULL]

Sorry, did'nt check that.lol. my bad. thanx

 

[stayinganon]

If you are saying what I think you are saying, I can completely understand. My ex-husband's second wife was a control freak. She did it for attention, not for the best interest of the child. I had her taken completely out of control when it came to our daughter. Now, years later, ex-hubby is on wife #3 with children numbering 5 and he doesn't have time for our daughter at all. He hasn't been around in over 2 years which is completely fine with my daughter. She has always called my second husband daddy and knows him as daddy even though he didn't supply the sperm.

Best of luck,

StayingAnon.