Dear Mygirls,
Sorry, I can't give you any advice, but I can extend my empathy and hope you know you're not alone.
Curious...did you mean that your ex has children from a second marriage that he actively supports from an extra-curricullar standpoint, but refuses to support your 13 & 14 year old's needs?!?!?!!!
Either way, his clone lives in California. Two years in a row I spent nearly $500 in equipment, sign up fees, uniforms, etc. for soccer for my two children. My ex refused to take them to their practices or games on "his" days because I would be there and he felt I was encroaching on his time. I promised to not show up...ever...if he would simply comply for the good of our children's experience. His second reply was that he knew better than anyone how unimportant team sports are for a 6 & 7 year old, he didn't want his schedule interrupted for whatever he wanted to do AND he derived absolutely no enjoyment from watching them practice or play in a scheduled game and therefore had no good reason to go out of his way to accommodate their activities. Eventually, they fell behind the other kids in developing skills in soccer and now, at 10 & 11 want nothing to do with soccer.
Now that my son is 10, he desperately wants to play football. We're moving 122 miles away from their father and he's already told my son that he will not be attending any games or practices that may fall on every other weekend when it's "his" time.
My ex is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. I've been running "defensive damage control" for six years. My daughter's feeling are slightly hurt, my son becomes devastated from his father's inconsideration. I've spent a great deal of time and effort one on one with my son to "repair" his ego, selfworth and self esteem on top of thousands of "counseling" dollars - we don't do counselors anymore - way more effective when my boyfriend of 4 years and I just address any issues that he has.
Bottom line is...if Oklahoma is anything at all like California, your girls will live in the school of hard knocks and evetually build antomosity and resentment towards him. He'll eventually have his own regrets.
But, in the meantime, California believes that anytime with Dad, regardless of the lack of quality is much more important than the feeling of abandonment. My kids WANT to be abandoned! I was an "abandoned" child and thank God above for every day that he kept me from my real father. My stepfather is my "Daddy" and always has been.
The courts out here claim to have the children's best interest - but they never seem to take into consideration how children really feel or what they truly need to be well rounded people.
I feel for you and your girls, it sounds like they may or may not like/love their father a lot, and are dissapointed in his choices to not support their needs.
If they aren't, for some reason very connected to him, they're certainly old enough to say, "Sorry, Dad, I'd love to spend time with you this weekend, but I've got a committment on Saturday with the band until 8pm. Maybe afterwards, we could see each other...If not, I look forward to seeing you week after next...."
I can't imagine how my 10 & 11 year old will be when they're 13 & 14! I have to put reigns on them now not to create too much distance between them and him. I say give you're girls a lesson in the art of diplomacy and he'll either straighten up or lose his chance to be part of their lives. If the latter is what he chooses, it doesn't sound like they'll come up short in life with such a terrific mom.
Best 2U & yours.
