Verbal Bashing

[IndyDad1on1]

What is the name of your state? Indiana

So long story short, my ex and I have 2 children both toddler ages (actually one is pre-school age now) . We separated and filed divorce in early 2006 and finalized the divorce in the mid part of this year. The divorce started out in court as a messy civil matter than after I had a sworn dep done on her. Her attorney then wanted mediation which we did.

My ex has always hated me for wanting the divorce and since separation has tried to make my life miserable (hasn't worked though). Before the preliminary, she filed a TPO, wanted $500 a week in supports, sole custody, blah blah. During preliminary, judge ordered $130 wk in support, temp joint legal, so on and so forth.

Since then she has withheld mid weeks, tried denying overnights, denied me x-mas last year, you know visitation interferences.

Mom also has major anger control problems (the courts are aware of this). She was in consulting at the time of separation but stop going a few months after and has not gone back since (court is mostly aware of this).

O.K. with that little background here is my problem. Last year my son during a visitation said to me "Daddy You hit me". I told him that wasn't a nice thing to say and that daddy didn't want to hear that anymore. Over a course of 2 months those same words were repeated so finally I asked him, "Honey where did you hear that?". He said "Mommy said, thats why I have bruises".

Then about 5 months ago he comes over and says "Your going to jail cause you hit mommy". This one I have recorded.

Now today we are in the car headed here and he says "Mom said she hates you".

My son has an excellent memory and retains a lot of information. I know most of the repeated sayings were probably from one occurrence.

How do I get this to stop. I do nothing but speak positively about there mother to them. All I want is mother to do the same. I also still have pictures up of her where the kids can see them.



Mom and I are on limited speaking conditions set by the court which I like personally so I can't address the issue with her. I also don't want to fire off an injunction either.

Any ideas?

[OhSweetness]

I am sorry. You must be so frustrated with this situation especially since you seem to love your son. have you placed your son in counseling? Maybe you should ask the court to order that your son be put in counseling if your wife will not agree. This has to be painful for him and he does not deserve such sadness and pain in his life.

[IndyDad1on1]

Thought about counseling but think he is too young for it right now. He almost 4. I know if the situation does not get resolved soon, he will need it because of what he is hearing.

Both my daughter (age 2) ,my son and I have a great close relationship. They often don't want to go back but I tell them "Mommy wants to see you cause she loves and misses you". I do everything I can to make everything positive about our situation.

[Blue Meanie]

Why do you think 4 or near 4 is too young for counseling? There are Child Psychologist that specialize in very young patients.

[Gracie3787]

Originally Posted by IndyDad1on1

Thought about counseling but think he is too young for it right now. He almost 4. I know if the situation does not get resolved soon, he will need it because of what he is hearing.

Both my daughter (age 2) ,my son and I have a great close relationship. They often don't want to go back but I tell them "Mommy wants to see you cause she loves and misses you". I do everything I can to make everything positive about our situation.

Counseling can help all ages. Be sure to get a counselor that specializes in divorce type situations and younger children. If your ex won't agree, you'll need to go to court.

Does your court order contain any provisions regarding either parent not speaking badly about the other parent, to, or in front of the children? If not, that probably needs to be added. It might not stop what ex is doing, but it'll give you more rights in court later on.

Thank the Lord, even though my ex and I didn't like each other, we never put our son in the middle, but I have several friends who had the same problem as you. One friend did get counseling for her 3 yr old and it helped alot. Over a period of time she was able to prove the problem to the court and her ex ended up with supervised visitation, which ended the problem. One thing that I saw her do, really amazed me- I was with her and her son when he said that Daddy said that she (mommy) was mean to Daddy. My friend calmly explained to her son that his Daddy was kindof sick and wasn't thinking good, and not to worry about things that daddy said. It really seemed to help her son not be so upset about the mean things his daddy said.

[IndyDad1on1]

Yes ex parte order, preliminary order, final decree, GAL initial and final report all prevent both of us from speaking negatively towards each other. Also (I believe) the Indiana Parenting Guidelines has a section on this as well.

I just feel bad about sending my son that young to counseling when he is only repeating what he has heard. Plus I can send him but that won't stop mom from saying these things around him.

I don't think I can directly ask mom for a request to send him for counseling. I think I have to submit my request either to her attorney giving them 30 days to respond or just file for an order with the court.

I know that if I send the request to her attorney, they will more than likely ignore it and I will have to file with the court anyways. The TPO is very vague in the most recent modification I motioned for.

I don't know I'll have to give it some thought. Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I do greatly appreciate it.

[IndyDad1on1]

Originally Posted by Gracie3787

Thank the Lord, even though my ex and I didn't like each other, we never put our son in the middle, but I have several friends who had the same problem as you.

This is the part I could never understand with people who have kids. See our son is a spitting image of me and our daughter is a spitting image of their mother.

I love both my kids to pieces. I have been asked by many how I can go through life not hating my ex for what all shes tried to do and done.

As I have always said "Our daughter is her mother to the tee. How can I love my daughter so much if I hated her mother." Meaning our daughter always reminds me of their mother.

Finally I also explain to people that although I don't agree with how my ex acts and handles some things, I still love her because she is the mother of our children.

Not sure if this all makes sense but its how I feel

[Blue Meanie]

I just feel bad about sending my son that young to counseling when he is only repeating what he has heard. Plus I can send him but that won't stop mom from saying these things around him.

When his mother says these horrible things about you to him...he hurts...He may not enunciate it yet, but he does. The counselor will be a trusted person with whom he can discuss his feeling and learn coping skill to deal with Mom.