Visitation and responsibilities

What is the name of your state? What is the name of your state? IL

Ok, sometimes i marvel at the ridiculousness of my own situation, but I have to ask this question.

We have been separated for ten months, during which time she has sporadically given me minimal support for our two sons. I have allowed visitation twice a week in our home. She would come after work and I would leave for a couple hours so she could be with the kids. I did this because she moved about an hour away. Just last week I was officailly awarded temp custody and temp child support. It was agreed that she could continue to have her twice weekly visits in the home.

My issue is this...when she comes for these visits she cooks dinner for them all (though sometimes only for the kids) with the groceries that are in the house that I have paid for. Before anyone jumps on me for being petty, understand that when she left I lost about 35% of the household income and we are literally barely getting by. Yes, the support that she is now ordered to pay will help, but at an average of ten dollars per meal plus the utilities needed to prepare and clean up afterwards this is about a hundred dollars a month. She says her lawyer told her that if she is paying child support she is well within her rights to use the groceries in the house to cook for the kids. I am not entirely sure he did tell her that, and I couldn't resist the comment that "He was wrong about so many other things why would you trust him on this?".

I guess my thinking is that if we had a standard visiation arrangement where she was taking them to her house for visits I would not be expected to send groceries with them so I shouldn't have to provide them now. But then again, we don't have a standard visitation arrangement. I hope someone can give me thoughts or input. I am on the verge of moving all the canned and dry goods into my home office (which has to be locked because of her theft of personal and business items) and emptying the freezer into a cooler before she gets there for her visits and locking that up too. It amazes me that it comes to this! Let me know what you all think.

[Whyte Noise]

I can understand what you're saying. But, as an outside party looking in I'll give ya my opinion. If she wasn't there for those 2 nights, cooking for them, you would be, right? The electricity and food used would be the same, is my point. Either way, whether it's her cooking, or you, the kids would still be eating. I know some of your circumstances from the other area of this forum, and I posted replies to you there. So please, don't get mad at me and think I'm just saying things to be mean. I'm not. But honestly, locking up the food is going a bit far. As long as she can cook, and isn't in danger of burning down the house when she boils water, I'd let her. Just my opinion tho.

[ellencee]

I'Dad
You are well within your rights to tell her to bring her own groceries. I would not have been the 'man' you are in letting her come into my house, and neither would the other posters on this site, unless they are more gracious than they post here.

EC

I agree that if she were visiting with them anywhere else she would have to provide for their meals. I think you should tell her that if she insist on cooking while she's there, then it is her responsibility to bring along the food she intends to cook, it seems that she is just taking advantage of your kindness. explaine to her that your budget is slim and that you cannot provide a place for her to visit and allow her to continue coming in and cooking what ever she wants, GOOD LUCK.

Thanks for the thoughts and I am certainly willing to listen to any others. Missouri Gal, no offense taken. I would be foolish to ask for opinions and then get mad when that is what I got! And believe me, everything you said is stuff that I thought about and I am still not real proud of myself for feeling this way. Just try to understand that this is a woman who has done so many unbelievable things. Here is an example....we had not yet been to court by the fourth of July and we agreed that the kids would spend it with me since I had allowed her to have Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Day, and Easter. She was at a party in the neighborhood on the 3rd and felt at liberty to stroll in my front door at midnight and proclaim that she didnt feel like driving home so she was staying here for the night. Fisrt, she is lucky that I don't own a gun because I probably would have shot her...she scared me half to death. So I got up, got dressed, and left the house for the night. God knows what kind of allegations she would have come up with had I stayed there. So, I get displaced from my home at her whim, I am gracious enought to allow her visitation here so the kids dont get shuffled around every other day, I have supported them by myself for the past ten months, and she waltzes in, opens the fridge and says hmm, what should I make for dinner. It JUST BUGS THE S*** OUT OF ME!!!! LOL

By the way, I doubt I would ever ACTUALLY lock up the food, but it sure is fun to think about!!!

[nailtech]

I'm kind of curious how its going to work if or when you get a girlfriend or new wife..... if this visitation gets written up in the paper work, the new one isn’t going to let this fly to long... cause if the new one moves in and the ex has to start taking the kids somewhere else to visit them then the new one is going to automatically get the blame for booting them out and then you have a whole new set of problems..... I'd cut the ties now and make her start taking them to her house while its all still new to them... and quit being so nice to move out in the middle of the night learn to say NO...... That’s my opinion...

on another note, If it were me, and she came over say, on a Monday to "Cook for the kids" don’t buy groceries until Tuesday

when me and my ex were freshly divorced he would have my then 10 and 13 year old sons ask me for my left overs I did it for awhile cause I didnt want to look like the bad guy in front of them but eventually I had to start telling the boys the left overs were for dinner the next night to get him to quit asking... he finally got the message...

i agree with nailtech best nip it in the bud now

Do your temporary orders state that the visitations are to be in your home, or just that she gets twice weekly visitation? If they are ordered to be in your home, I'd see that it's changed in the final orders. If using your home isn't ordered, I wouldn't allow another visit to occur there. It's not your fault she moved an hour away, and it should be up to her to provide a place to entertain the children during her visitation time.

As for her thinking she can use your home as a motel, that's your fault. Next time, tell her to fine another place to camp.

Thanks for the thoughts from everyone. I will try to clear up as many of the points as I can. We have been separated for over ten months, so the bud is too old to be nipped I am afraid. IT is now written in the temporary orders that she has visitation on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. The order states that she "shall be given access to the house to visit the children there if she wishes for her Tues and Thurs visitation". The judge we have is all about maintaining the status quo for the kids, which works well for me in every other way, and we have been doing it this way all along. He didn't even hear testimony on any of the several motions we had before him, he just handed me almost everything I was asking for. My lawyer thought it best to not make a big deal about this one and I agree.

As for saying no to her when she showed up to stay here believe me, I wasn't being Mr. Niceguy and I did let my feelings be known. The problem is that whether she moved or not, her name is still on the house and technically she has every bit as much right to it as I do. That is why we had the order written to say she has access only on her visitation times during the week. This one is no longer an issue because of this.

As for the potential of a new girlfriend or wife, there is a current girlfriend (we do not live together of course) who is infinitely understanding of the current circumstances. By the time cohabitating would be a possibility, my divorce will be final and these in-home visits will not be allowed for. In other words, they will end before she and I live together so there will be no connection in the kids' minds or anyone elses.

Hopefully this clears up some of these questions. Thanks again and keep the thoughts coming!!!