What are my parental rights regarding my pregnant minor child?

[jenmitch]

What is the name of your state: Oklahoma

We recently discovered that our young 17 yr old had lost her virginity to dtr a 23 yr old man. Since she has never asked to date ANYONE, this was a pretty horrible surprise. Now we've discovered that she is pregnant.

Said 23 yr old has a history of depression, suicide attempts, drunkenness...and his last baby-mama (I've been told he already has TWO) gave birth about 10 days ago.

We have grounded our daughter, turned off her cell phone, confiscated the cell phone she bought to replace it, locked her out of the computer and changed the password on our wireless modem. However, if you've ever had a teen--esp in these times of technology--you know that you can't be with them/protect them 24/7. She still has to go to school, and, because of our own jobs, we cannot always drive her, so she has limited use of her car, and there are simply some hours that she is alone at home--hopefully alone. And, of course, she has plenty of friends willing to let her use THEIR phones, etc.

Somehow, our dtr thought that getting pregnant was a guaranteed ticket out of the house. Boy was she shocked to discover that wasn't true.

The problem now, is that even though I have sent the BD (baby-daddy) a fairly nice-toned FB message to please leave her alone and focus on his--at that time--current baby-mama, he has continued to sneak around to see/contact our dtr. Of course, dtr is "madly in love" and knows that she is going to be the one to "change him." To further complicate matters, I've discovered that dtr is also in contact with BD's mom--who is trying to "help" dtr "get away" from us. (Yeah, her totally crazy parents who feed, clothe, educate, and provide for all of her spiritual/physical/emotional needs. She should definitely not be around us!)

I have access to dtr's FB acct with messages from the current baby-mama warning dtr that BD has a history of being physically violent--as if everything else wasn't enough. I also have text messages between BD's mom and dtr where BD's mom tells my dtr that BD is out getting drunk and to ignore his text messages to her which say, "bang-bang." (The context of msg makes clear the reference is to a gun, not sex.)

Right now, our first thought is to send dtr out-of-state to a maternity home--hoping that BD will find it more difficult to be in contact--since he can't hold a job. We would rather keep dtr here, but not if all we have to look forward to are another 6 months of lying and sneaking around, as well as having BD's mom looking to sabotage our relationship with our dtr.

What are our rights as parents? Can we successfully seek protective orders to stop contact between our dtr with BD and his mom? If so, can that be enforced if DTR is the one initiating contact?

If we send dtr out-of-state and BD finds her and fetches her, would this be kidnapping of our minor child when he crossed state lines?

We are not stupid. We realize that when dtr reaches 18, this will be out of our control. We are not asking her to abort or pressuring her towards adoption (though I do think that would be the best solution for the baby). However, we also realize that if we give BD enough rope, he may take care of the problem himself. If dtr is out of reach, maybe he'll marry the most recent baby-mama, who is NOT a minor. Or, maybe he'll prove his unfaithfulness by creating baby-mama #4 (God forbid!). Sadly, the thing we most want is for the lying and sneaking to STOP long enough that we can determine the best thing for our dtr. Hubby has even offered to close our business and move ALL of us out of state until dtr is 18. That would be a huge sacrifice, but, despite her deceit and our hurt, we love our dtr desperately.

So, any advice? Oh, and does anyone know of any Christian maternity homes in TX/AR/KS/MO/GA that will take a minor child that doesn't want to be there?

Thanks for your help.

 

[Zigner]

Something about this just gives me the heebie-jeebies...Yes, your child is 17. But, she's now a pregnant 17 year old. Pregnancy is hard enough WITH the support of family members. Perhaps you ought to be a tad more supportive, especially "knowing" that the father of the unborn child may not be the best father/partner in the world. Your approach to this matter is to send your daughter off in order to control & alienate her more thoroughly? Really?

I suspect that you will not be seeing very much of your grandchild(ren).

What is the name of your state: Oklahoma

We recently discovered that our young 17 yr old had lost her virginity to dtr a 23 yr old man. Since she has never asked to date ANYONE, this was a pretty horrible surprise. Now we've discovered that she is pregnant.

Said 23 yr old has a history of depression, suicide attempts, drunkenness...and his last baby-mama (I've been told he already has TWO) gave birth about 10 days ago.

We have grounded our daughter, turned off her cell phone, confiscated the cell phone she bought to replace it, locked her out of the computer and changed the password on our wireless modem. However, if you've ever had a teen--esp in these times of technology--you know that you can't be with them/protect them 24/7. She still has to go to school, and, because of our own jobs, we cannot always drive her, so she has limited use of her car, and there are simply some hours that she is alone at home--hopefully alone. And, of course, she has plenty of friends willing to let her use THEIR phones, etc.

Somehow, our dtr thought that getting pregnant was a guaranteed ticket out of the house. Boy was she shocked to discover that wasn't true.

The problem now, is that even though I have sent the BD (baby-daddy) a fairly nice-toned FB message to please leave her alone and focus on his--at that time--current baby-mama, he has continued to sneak around to see/contact our dtr. Of course, dtr is "madly in love" and knows that she is going to be the one to "change him." To further complicate matters, I've discovered that dtr is also in contact with BD's mom--who is trying to "help" dtr "get away" from us. (Yeah, her totally crazy parents who feed, clothe, educate, and provide for all of her spiritual/physical/emotional needs. She should definitely not be around us!)

I have access to dtr's FB acct with messages from the current baby-mama warning dtr that BD has a history of being physically violent--as if everything else wasn't enough. I also have text messages between BD's mom and dtr where BD's mom tells my dtr that BD is out getting drunk and to ignore his text messages to her which say, "bang-bang." (The context of msg makes clear the reference is to a gun, not sex.)

Right now, our first thought is to send dtr out-of-state to a maternity home--hoping that BD will find it more difficult to be in contact--since he can't hold a job. We would rather keep dtr here, but not if all we have to look forward to are another 6 months of lying and sneaking around, as well as having BD's mom looking to sabotage our relationship with our dtr.

What are our rights as parents? Can we successfully seek protective orders to stop contact between our dtr with BD and his mom? If so, can that be enforced if DTR is the one initiating contact?

If we send dtr out-of-state and BD finds her and fetches her, would this be kidnapping of our minor child when he crossed state lines?

We are not stupid. We realize that when dtr reaches 18, this will be out of our control. We are not asking her to abort or pressuring her towards adoption (though I do think that would be the best solution for the baby). However, we also realize that if we give BD enough rope, he may take care of the problem himself. If dtr is out of reach, maybe he'll marry the most recent baby-mama, who is NOT a minor. Or, maybe he'll prove his unfaithfulness by creating baby-mama #4 (God forbid!). Sadly, the thing we most want is for the lying and sneaking to STOP long enough that we can determine the best thing for our dtr. Hubby has even offered to close our business and move ALL of us out of state until dtr is 18. That would be a huge sacrifice, but, despite her deceit and our hurt, we love our dtr desperately.

So, any advice? Oh, and does anyone know of any Christian maternity homes in TX/AR/KS/MO/GA that will take a minor child that doesn't want to be there?

Thanks for your help.

 

[Zigner]

I would also like to point out that my answer above was based on the fact that your concern seems to be more with controlling your almost-adult daughter's life than about protecting her.

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state: Oklahoma

We recently discovered that our young 17 yr old had lost her virginity to dtr a 23 yr old man. Since she has never asked to date ANYONE, this was a pretty horrible surprise. Now we've discovered that she is pregnant.

Said 23 yr old has a history of depression, suicide attempts, drunkenness...and his last baby-mama (I've been told he already has TWO) gave birth about 10 days ago.

We have grounded our daughter, turned off her cell phone, confiscated the cell phone she bought to replace it, locked her out of the computer and changed the password on our wireless modem. However, if you've ever had a teen--esp in these times of technology--you know that you can't be with them/protect them 24/7. She still has to go to school, and, because of our own jobs, we cannot always drive her, so she has limited use of her car, and there are simply some hours that she is alone at home--hopefully alone. And, of course, she has plenty of friends willing to let her use THEIR phones, etc.

Somehow, our dtr thought that getting pregnant was a guaranteed ticket out of the house. Boy was she shocked to discover that wasn't true.

You are acting as if your control over your "child" will last well into that "child's" 20s. It doesn't. At 18, she can hightail it out of your home, never to be seen again. Is that what you want?

The problem now, is that even though I have sent the BD (baby-daddy) a fairly nice-toned FB message to please leave her alone and focus on his--at that time--current baby-mama, he has continued to sneak around to see/contact our dtr. Of course, dtr is "madly in love" and knows that she is going to be the one to "change him." To further complicate matters, I've discovered that dtr is also in contact with BD's mom--who is trying to "help" dtr "get away" from us. (Yeah, her totally crazy parents who feed, clothe, educate, and provide for all of her spiritual/physical/emotional needs. She should definitely not be around us!)

I have access to dtr's FB acct with messages from the current baby-mama warning dtr that BD has a history of being physically violent--as if everything else wasn't enough. I also have text messages between BD's mom and dtr where BD's mom tells my dtr that BD is out getting drunk and to ignore his text messages to her which say, "bang-bang." (The context of msg makes clear the reference is to a gun, not sex.)

Right now, our first thought is to send dtr out-of-state to a maternity home--hoping that BD will find it more difficult to be in contact--since he can't hold a job. We would rather keep dtr here, but not if all we have to look forward to are another 6 months of lying and sneaking around, as well as having BD's mom looking to sabotage our relationship with our dtr.

What are our rights as parents? Can we successfully seek protective orders to stop contact between our dtr with BD and his mom? If so, can that be enforced if DTR is the one initiating contact?

Yes, you can get ROs. No, you cannot enforce them if your "child" is the one initiating contact.

If we send dtr out-of-state and BD finds her and fetches her, would this be kidnapping of our minor child when he crossed state lines?

Your angry response is going to screw up this situation more than your "child" already has.

We are not stupid. We realize that when dtr reaches 18, this will be out of our control. We are not asking her to abort or pressuring her towards adoption (though I do think that would be the best solution for the baby). However, we also realize that if we give BD enough rope, he may take care of the problem himself. If dtr is out of reach, maybe he'll marry the most recent baby-mama, who is NOT a minor. Or, maybe he'll prove his unfaithfulness by creating baby-mama #4 (God forbid!). Sadly, the thing we most want is for the lying and sneaking to STOP long enough that we can determine the best thing for our dtr. Hubby has even offered to close our business and move ALL of us out of state until dtr is 18. That would be a huge sacrifice, but, despite her deceit and our hurt, we love our dtr desperately.

So, any advice? Oh, and does anyone know of any Christian maternity homes in TX/AR/KS/MO/GA that will take a minor child that doesn't want to be there?

Thanks for your help.

Good grief.

Also, please stop with the silly "BD" and "babymama" and "babydaddy" stuff. We're (presumably) all grownups. Let's use our grownup words.

 

[jenmitch]

How swiftly we pass judgement.

Wow! It must be really easy to pass judgement regarding a child and parents you don't even know.

Did I mention that my daughter was still playing with dolls at 15? Or that we were all thick as thieves until I returned to work two years ago. Any idea how much I regret my decision? Do you not think that I'm kicking my own ass wondering how our relationships deteriorated to the point that my physically 17/emotionally 15 yr old daughter felt like she had to go behind our backs rather than ask to date?

We have already successfully reared three children to adulthood: ages 31, 29 and 25. We're not novices. We are close to our adult kids and I enjoy seeing my grandchildren often. The one major difference is that I was home until they were adults. Was it always a piece of cake? No. We had some real struggles with our eldest son--now married, gainfully employed, and happy.

What would you have me call BD? I mean, really? I'm not going to use his given name here, any more than I'd use my own daughter's.

You write your comments as if you would welcome a loser like this into your daughter's life and tolerate the interference of not just BD, but his mother. On what grounds should she even be involved? All she has done so far is attempt to sow division and encourage continued deceit within our family. And, until the baby is born and paternity "proven," he has no legal rights.

Playing with baby doll's doesn't prepare you for motherhood anymore than turning eighteen makes you an adult. I've known 15 yr olds that we more mature than many 30 yr olds. While she may be a "legal" adult in a year, we are still obligated with the privilege and responsibility of caring for, and yes: protecting, our daughter until that time.

And yes, right now, we are damned angry which is why I want to get BD, et al, to back off and let us "think." Their continued interference is what will guarantee our moving our daughter out of reach. If they would knock that crap off for a month we might get over the shock and anger and be able to consider another alternative. NONE of us wants to move. And I don't WANT to send my daughter away, but it sure beats the risk of finding out BD has decided to take her life as well as his, doesn't it?

I was the one on the wrong end of the rifle when I was 18. Don't tell me it doesn't happen.

 

[Silverplum]

Wow! It must be really easy to pass judgement regarding a child and parents you don't even know.

Facts are facts. Easy is easy. A is A.

Did I mention that my daughter was still playing with dolls at 15? Or that we were all thick as thieves until I returned to work two years ago. Any idea how much I regret my decision? Do you not think that I'm kicking my own ass wondering how our relationships deteriorated to the point that my physically 17/emotionally 15 yr old daughter felt like she had to go behind our backs rather than ask to date?

No. No. Yes.

We have already successfully reared three children to adulthood: ages 31, 29 and 25. We're not novices. We are close to our adult kids and I enjoy seeing my grandchildren often. The one major difference is that I was home until they were adults. Was it always a piece of cake? No. We had some real struggles with our eldest son--now married, gainfully employed, and happy.

I can see some obvious triggers, but I'm not your psychiatrist or family counselor so I'll refrain.

What would you have me call BD? I mean, really? I'm not going to use his given name here, any more than I'd use my own daughter's.

Daughter and Boyfriend.

You write your comments as if you

I write comments like a detached observer.

And you REALLY NEED one of those.

would welcome a loser like this into your daughter's life and tolerate the interference of not just BD, but his mother. On what grounds should she even be involved?

Same grounds as your passionate involvement.

Neither of you have a single right. And you are doing your level best, it appears, to make Punishment your middle name.

All she has done so far is attempt to sow division and encourage continued deceit within our family.

What would you say about her if she was asking how to send her "child" away to a "home" when the "child" doesn't want to go? I, myself, would call her a person trying to sow division.

And, until the baby is born and paternity "proven," he has no legal rights.

And never will you have any legal rights.

Playing with baby doll's doesn't prepare you for motherhood anymore than turning eighteen makes you an adult. I've known 15 yr olds that we more mature than many 30 yr olds. While she may be a "legal" adult in a year, we are still obligated with the privilege and responsibility of caring for, and yes: protecting, our daughter until that time.

No comment.

And yes, right now, we are damned

When I told you to use your grownup words, I did not mean to begin SWEARING. For Pete's sake. Grow up.

angry which is why I want to get BD,

I wasn't kidding.

et al, to back off and let us "think."

You don't need to "think." Although I will state that "think" is the best word you've typed, complete with punctuation.

Their continued interference is what will guarantee our moving our daughter out of reach. If they would knock that crap off for a month we might get over the shock and anger and be able to consider another alternative. NONE of us wants to move. And I don't WANT to send my daughter away, but it sure beats the risk of finding out BD has decided to take her life as well as his, doesn't it?

I was the one on the wrong end of the rifle when I was 18. Don't tell me it doesn't happen.

Ew.

 

[Zigner]

Their continued interference is what will guarantee our moving our daughter out of reach.

I think this statement sums up why you are having problems. Your inability to acknowledge that your daughter's "problems" run much deeper than this guy.

 

[Antigone*]

When will your daughter turn 18?

 

[Zigner]

When will your daughter turn 18?

About 17 seconds before she tell her mom to...well, attempt self-procreation?

 

[Ohiogal]

Here is the problem OP, you have NO SAY SO when it comes to the child your daughter is carrying. NONE. In fact, when your daughter gives birth to said child, she will be forever tied to her current boyfriend. You need to recognize that you have no rights to that child. The child's father will be able to be involved with his child forever -- or at least until that child becomes an adult.

Your daughter has the right to make all decisions regarding her child. She doesn't have to listen to you. Your actions may result in her deciding she wants NOTHING to do with you and when she turns 18 she may walk out taking her child with her. Just because you have a relationship with your other grandchildren does NOT guarantee you a relationship with this child. You need to rethink your actions. Forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit that exists and you have made boyfriend forbidden fruit. Shutting down all communication now is, quite frankly, like closing the barn door after the horses escaped. Time to try to have an adult conversation with your child.
By wanting to ship your child to a Christian home to get her away from boyfriend is ridiculous quite frankly. You don't seem to understand the folly of that consideration. That is MORE likely to make your daughter run to boyfriend than actually attempting to be reasonable. This baby is YOUR DAUGHTER'S child. You want time to think and yet you don't realize, there is NOTHING for you to think about. The decisions are your daughter's to make because they concern HER child. Not yours.

 

[jenmitch]

When will your daughter turn 18?

She'll be 18 next August.

I am not sure where anyone got the impression that I thought I had any rights to my grandchild. I thought I made clear in my original post that I am fully aware that she will be the legal/eternal mother of her child, and that we were not pressuring her in any way to abort or adopt. Our rights and (legal) responsibilities end the day she turns 18, however we've never viewed that as a reason to kick any of our kids to the curb. She is a junior in HS and needs to either finish HS or get her GED--esp if she intends to pursue higher education in the future. (I got my bachelor's while my 3 eldest were still small. It can be done.)

Her "boyfriend," as you prefer to call him, does not have a job (he can apparently get them, but has difficulty keeping them), and lives with his mom. He has a documented history of depression and suicide attempts. The fact that he has pics of himself posing with an assault rifle on his FB page troubles us. (We own several guns--but no ammunition. My first husband was a hunter prior to his death. I have nothing against guns in general, but I'm not keen on assault rifles.) Prior to my limiting their phone/computer access, he sent her several messages implying that he was going to end it all--not just once but over a series of weeks. That was BEFORE we even knew he existed, so it was not in response to anything we were doing.

The animosity this thread has generated amazes me. Having only been in possession of this "happy" news for a week, we are still reeling. This is not the future we had imagined for our daughter--nor the kind of husband we hoped she would someday find. We are angry and hurt and scared for her. And, we haven't found the magic switch to just turn that off and welcome this man into our lives. The continued lying and sneaking around only makes it worse. Our daughter has had weeks to adjust to the shock, and, as I think I pointed out, she thought that merely getting pregnant would automatically emancipate her so that she could move in with her "true love."

I don't think it's crazy to want the boyfriend and his mom to back off. We need time to adjust to this unexpected turn in our lives. If we could get some breathing room, we might be open to a relationship. Pushing us only makes us want to push back, harder.

My greatest grief for my daughter and grandchild is that, given the boyfriend's reputation, mental and financial instability, and apparent difficulty with sustaining relationships--given all that, I expect he will abandon them as well. Yet, even if he does, she is going to be stuck dealing with him for at least 18 years. Having watched friends who have gone through the same thing (i.e. divorce and/or hostile custody battles), I hate to see it happen to her. (As Dr. Phil would say, "Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior." I generally can't stand him, but I have to say that my experience has been that he's right on that subject.)

I'm not one of those, sappy, boo-hooing women that will bare my heart to a bunch of strangers. If you want to interpret that as cold and controlling, I can't stop you. That said, we are indeed parents who love our daughter and the child she now carries and will do all we can to keep her safe and provide her with the help (education, health care, etc) that she needs.

 

[Silverplum]

She'll be 18 next August.

I am not sure where anyone got the impression that I thought I had any rights to my grandchild. I thought I made clear in my original post that I am fully aware that she will be the legal/eternal mother of her child, and that we were not pressuring her in any way to abort or adopt. Our rights and (legal) responsibilities end the day she turns 18, however we've never viewed that as a reason to kick any of our kids to the curb. She is a junior in HS and needs to either finish HS or get her GED--esp if she intends to pursue higher education in the future. (I got my bachelor's while my 3 eldest were still small. It can be done.)

Her "boyfriend," as you prefer to call him, does not have a job (he can apparently get them, but has difficulty keeping them), and lives with his mom. He has a documented history of depression and suicide attempts. The fact that he has pics of himself posing with an assault rifle on his FB page troubles us. (We own several guns--but no ammunition. My first husband was a hunter prior to his death. I have nothing against guns in general, but I'm not keen on assault rifles.) Prior to my limiting their phone/computer access, he sent her several messages implying that he was going to end it all--not just once but over a series of weeks. That was BEFORE we even knew he existed, so it was not in response to anything we were doing.

The animosity this thread has generated amazes me. Having only been in possession of this "happy" news for a week, we are still reeling. This is not the future we had imagined for our daughter--nor the kind of husband we hoped she would someday find. We are angry and hurt and scared for her. And, we haven't found the magic switch to just turn that off and welcome this man into our lives. The continued lying and sneaking around only makes it worse. Our daughter has had weeks to adjust to the shock, and, as I think I pointed out, she thought that merely getting pregnant would automatically emancipate her so that she could move in with her "true love."

I don't think it's crazy to want the boyfriend and his mom to back off. We need time to adjust to this unexpected turn in our lives. If we could get some breathing room, we might be open to a relationship. Pushing us only makes us want to push back, harder.

My greatest grief for my daughter and grandchild is that, given the boyfriend's reputation, mental and financial instability, and apparent difficulty with sustaining relationships--given all that, I expect he will abandon them as well. Yet, even if he does, she is going to be stuck dealing with him for at least 18 years. Having watched friends who have gone through the same thing (i.e. divorce and/or hostile custody battles), I hate to see it happen to her. (As Dr. Phil would say, "Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior." I generally can't stand him, but I have to say that my experience has been that he's right on that subject.)

I'm not one of those, sappy, boo-hooing women that will bare my heart to a bunch of strangers. If you want to interpret that as cold and controlling, I can't stop you. That said, we are indeed parents who love our daughter and the child she now carries and will do all we can to keep her safe and provide her with the help (education, health care, etc) that she needs.

Okey dokey.

We've answered your legal question/s.

 

[Zigner]

Our rights and (legal) responsibilities end the day she turns 18, however we've never viewed that as a reason to kick any of our kids to the curb.

Yet, here you go wanting to send her off to a placement for pregnant teens, just like they did in the 50's. Nice.

Try thinking of this from a perspective that is not yours...you will see more clearly.

 

[jenmitch]

Okey dokey.

We've answered your legal question/s.

You have. Thank you.

 

[Ohiogal]

She'll be 18 next August.

Depending on your actions between now and then, she may leave in August.

I am not sure where anyone got the impression that I thought I had any rights to my grandchild. I thought I made clear in my original post that I am fully aware that she will be the legal/eternal mother of her child, and that we were not pressuring her in any way to abort or adopt. Our rights and (legal) responsibilities end the day she turns 18, however we've never viewed that as a reason to kick any of our kids to the curb. She is a junior in HS and needs to either finish HS or get her GED--esp if she intends to pursue higher education in the future. (I got my bachelor's while my 3 eldest were still small. It can be done.)

It is your opinion that she needs to finish HS or get her GED. As of next August she can quit school and never look back. If you push too hard, she very well may.

Her "boyfriend," as you prefer to call him, does not have a job (he can apparently get them, but has difficulty keeping them), and lives with his mom.

That is what he is. And look at your own child. She does not have a job and lives with her mom.

He has a documented history of depression and suicide attempts. The fact that he has pics of himself posing with an assault rifle on his FB page troubles us. (We own several guns--but no ammunition. My first husband was a hunter prior to his death. I have nothing against guns in general, but I'm not keen on assault rifles.) Prior to my limiting their phone/computer access, he sent her several messages implying that he was going to end it all--not just once but over a series of weeks. That was BEFORE we even knew he existed, so it was not in response to anything we were doing.

And your daughter played with dolls until she was 15 so what deficiencies does she have?

The animosity this thread has generated amazes me. Having only been in possession of this "happy" news for a week, we are still reeling. This is not the future we had imagined for our daughter--nor the kind of husband we hoped she would someday find.

There is NO animosity. There is a blunt stating of the facts. And this man may not be her husband. She definitely may not marry him. He is however the father of the child -- unless of course your daughter has slept with others.

We are angry and hurt and scared for her. And, we haven't found the magic switch to just turn that off and welcome this man into our lives. The continued lying and sneaking around only makes it worse. Our daughter has had weeks to adjust to the shock, and, as I think I pointed out, she thought that merely getting pregnant would automatically emancipate her so that she could move in with her "true love."

The fact that your daughter hid all this from you shows that there was issues FAR BEFORE this man came into your daughter's life. The person lying to you is HER. The person sneaking around is HER. Not this guy. Your daughter apparently has determined that this is what she had to do and this is the choice she has made. So why is that? Why does she feel she cannot be honest with you? This thread gives us -- strangers -- hints as to why. You appear overcontrolling and quite frankly maybe even overly religious (send her to a Christian home?).

I don't think it's crazy to want the boyfriend and his mom to back off. We need time to adjust to this unexpected turn in our lives. If we could get some breathing room, we might be open to a relationship. Pushing us only makes us want to push back, harder.

You do NOT have to have a relationship. Your daughter already does have a relationship however. And that is what you need to comprehend, understand, and accept. That relationship exists and will continue to exist for the life of this baby.

My greatest grief for my daughter and grandchild is that, given the boyfriend's reputation, mental and financial instability, and apparent difficulty with sustaining relationships--given all that, I expect he will abandon them as well.

Time for your daughter to grow up. Your daughter needs to achieve her own stability financially and otherwise. That is a lesson she should have been taught all along -- that she needs to take care of herself and not expect a man to do so.

Yet, even if he does, she is going to be stuck dealing with him for at least 18 years. Having watched friends who have gone through the same thing (i.e. divorce and/or hostile custody battles), I hate to see it happen to her. (As Dr. Phil would say, "Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior." I generally can't stand him, but I have to say that my experience has been that he's right on that subject.)

Yes she will be. She made that choice and that decision.

I'm not one of those, sappy, boo-hooing women that will bare my heart to a bunch of strangers. If you want to interpret that as cold and controlling, I can't stop you. That said, we are indeed parents who love our daughter and the child she now carries and will do all we can to keep her safe and provide her with the help (education, health care, etc) that she needs.

What you need to understand is that by being controlling and forbidding your daughter ANY contact, you are not acting anything but emotionally. Rather than having an adult conversation with your daughter about the adult choices she has made, you are treating her like a little kid. Not a good idea. Try treating her like the adult she became when she became pregnant. She may be only 17 but she made an adult decision. Now you need to handle it by approaching her as such.