Whats the law here?

What is the name of your state? NY

My wife had an affair over 4 years ago with her former manager mostly in his office). We filed a complaint with his company and they did an investigation. She also became pregnant during that time and isnt positive which of us is the father. This happened in NY and he is still there. We now live in MS.

1). Is there any way to get copies of that investigation?

2). Is there any way to make or request him submit to a DNA test?

3). Do I suffer any criminal or civil penalty for; placing a legal notice with his name and employer in the paper stating DNA results are pending, telling his co-workers, friends or family about the affair with the intent to inform his wife?

I'm not asking anyone to condone this, just to let me know if it's legal or not.

[HomeGuru]

duplicate post.

Well yes, I put in in several different forums...

Delete the other posts and then people will take you seriously. There's nothing more annoying than giving someone an answer then finding the same question in another thread.

[stealth2]

Wouldn't it make sense to get a DNA test yourself, first?

It might, but that would defeat the purpose of being able to put his name in the paper with the intent of his wife hearing about it.

[stealth2]

I'd suggest that you get some counseling to get over your need for vengeance.

[cbg]

No, there is no way that you can get a copy of the investigation from her former employer. THose are confidential records belonging to the employer, and short of a subpoena, they do not have to share them with anyone.

[nextwife]

Good point Momma_tiger. You and your wife need to get this behind you, if you can. DO seek counseling. And DON"T take it out on this kid. The time to not accept this child as your own has passed. It's four years. It matters not whose DNA they have - YOU ARE daddy to this kid. Do you think it matters to him/her if it's not your DNA?

And you are a father, would you like this guy's 10 year old to read something like that in the paper about his daddy? Grow up. This can't be 100% his responsibility or fault.

Well, you are all correct in one way or another and I know this. I am not so torn by anger that I have gone totally blind. But I cannot get over the feeling that something has been stolen from me and someone should pay for that. If my wife and I stay together at all, it will be a miracle.
No, it wasn't 100% his fault, my wife was at least 50% of it as well. She has now fessed up to me, so I feel he should fess up to his wife.
I talked to him and he basically said that he got what he wanted from my wife, there was nothing I could do about it and that he had no intention of telling his wife. This was before I even knew there was a chance he was the father of what I thought was my first daughter.
I have no intention nor desire to hurt the my daughter, assuming she really is. But I cannot let it go without knowing for sure now. If it turns out she is then that will be a blessing. If it turns out she is not, then many questions arise. Do we tell anyone, do we tell him, should we seek adoption/custody and make it official, should he help with some of the costs thus far etc etc.
If we could afford counseling, either we would both go to a marriage counselor or at least I would go to someone that could help me get over this. I don't stay raging mad about anything. I get mad, I get calm, cold and determined, much like I am here. If somehow all these feelings could go away and I could unconditionally love my wife, never want to know if Ali is really MY daughter or not, and let go of the hatred I feel for him, nothing would make me happier. I wish it could be that easy...
As for the investigation, I didnt figure we could, but I was still hoping.

[stealth2]

At the end of the day, rik, your wife is the one responsible for the adultery in your marriage - he's incidental. She is the one who made vows to you, and she's the one who broke them. And while I hate to say this, if you are able to force him to have a DNA test - will you even then be sure if it comes up negative? She had one affair - how do you know it wasn't two? or more? That doubt will still be there until you know whether YOU are the child's father.

What I would suggest you do, is get a DNA test yourself. If she's yours, he is in the past and I'd suggest you leave him there. Life is pretty good at bringing people what they deserve - it'll get around to him in time. If she's not, then have your wife file a motion against him for a paternity test and support - the child is entitled to it, and he won't be able to squirm out of it.

As for counseling, etc... you may want to call your local mental health council - most charge on a sliding scale for counseling. Or call the pastor/reverend/minister of a church in your area - many offer counseling (which does tend to be aimed at helping you work through the problems and save your marriage). Check out [url]www.marriagebuilders.com[/url] - there are a load of invaluable resources there. But I think pushing along the path of vengeance to "force" him to tell his wife isn't going to do you, or your marriage, any good. Focus on your family. Good luck.

[nextwife]

"then have your wife file a motion against him for a paternity test and support - the child is entitled to it, and he won't be able to squirm out of it."

Momma_tiger, I'm not certain I agree with you about that. Once done, he is in their lives forever. He can file for visitaion rights. IF the poster gets his counseling and they do work through this, the child, born during the marriage is legally his. Do they really want to bring this man back into their lives? If the poster accepts this child and raises her as his daughter, then CS from another should be unneeded. Every child is entitled to parents. If HE is acting as her parent, I don't know that asking for CS is appropriate. WE are parents to our daughter, we get to raise her and get to have her call us mommy and daddy, she is not "entitled" to CS from her bioparents- they are not the ones who are REALLY parents to her.

And poster, you have a daughter that considers YOU her daddy.. You have been raising her. Does the source of her DNA, at this point, really matter? Do you want to just accept that G-d has brought this beautiful child into your household, and love her and leave it at that? Sometimes children are concieved by parents that they may not have meant to be raised by. WE tell our daughter that G-d put her in another ladies tummy because I couldn't grow a baby, and he found a way for her to get to us. And she, in so many ways is like my husband that I sometimes jokingly ask him if he's SURE he wasn't in Bulgaria in early 1997? My point is that children carrying DNA that is not
ours can be more "us" than those who do (sadly, our daughter is far more "him" than his biodaughter from his first marriage). IT is SOOOOOO unimportant that our wonderful daughter shares no genes with us. WE are just blessed to have her in our lives. Think about it.

[stealth2]

nextwife... my thinking is that this particular poster isn't going to be able to move on w/o knowing. If he CAN (or thinks he can), then he should do as you suggest.

Again, I agree with both of you. You're both right - what can I say? You make a good point about dragging him into it with the risk that if she is his, he may file visitation etc.
But at this point even my wife wants to know for sure. Be it good or bad, there is allot about that time period that my wife doesn't remember. We found out she had breast cancer a little over a year ago and after months of chemotherapy; she is convinced she has lost some memory.
She thinks she might have already been a few weeks pregnant when it happened, but cannot be sure. She too wants to know for sure that Ali is mine. There is also the possibility that he may know she could be his and at some point want to find out himself. If we don't already know then, he could create the same problems we could, but on his terms. I do intend to have myself tested against both my daughters to have total peace of mind, or know for sure. The original intent was to make him do it first just for effect...
With everything she has told me, I truly believe this is the only affair she ever had in the 10 years we have been together and I believe it only happened the few times she said it did. During that time I was in the Army, I was way too macho and proud of myself to stop to be a good husband. We started having problems and I was unable to comfort her or show her the love she needed. If she was pregnant, I'm sure part of our problems was the change in her hormones. I even went so far as to get separation papers and threaten her with them if things didn’t' get better.
That’s when she went to him for comfort and he took advantage of it. She swears she never wanted the sex, just comfort and someone that would listen to her. Unfortunately, to get it he wanted to have sex with her so she did. I know that sounds convenient, but from what I know of my wife, I truly do believe her and believe that is the way it happened.
If for some reason your point or purpose was to make me feel guilty about wanting to destroy him like I do, it's starting to work. I've known about this for over a month and for that time I have thought about almost nothing but ways to get even with him.
I truly feel like he took advantage of her and I just can't seem to let that go. You both make allot of good points that even in my angriest mood, I can't really argue with. I don't like your reasoning, but I can't deny that it is correct and probably for the best. I love my children and my wife more than life itself; I have no desire to hurt any of them. I will give it more thought.

[stealth2]

I'm glad you're taking the time to think about it, rik. I didn't realize it's so recently that you found out about the affair - that explains the anger better (having it a month after is much different than holding on to it for 4 years!).

But you know... ruining his life isn't going to make you feel better - because that's not where the problem really is. You realize that you weren't the perfect husband, and she obviously realizes she wasn't the perfect wife - you both messed up. Take the energy you're putting into the anger at him, and use it constructively to repair your marriage. It CAN be done. I have a friend and her spouse who have moved beyond his affair and are actively rebuilding their life together. But it's going to take hard work and commitment from the both of you.

And just something to ask yourself - would knowing who Ali's biofather is change the way you see her? As your little girl?