A written agreement for conditions of divorce ??

[Glitch]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York.

Hi,

I know this will sound very weird, but I have come to a point in my marriage where if there is not a written agreement, then my husband believes he can do whatever he wants.

Without going into much detail: one reason for why I marry him, was because he agree with me that we won't divorce, that we would work and fix our marital problems as they arise. However, only 2 years later he is saying "the feeling is gone so we have to divorce". I know some of you are rolling their eyes thinking how common this problem is: if you read any marriage psychology, the 'new love' feeling lasts just as long and is totally normal, and in many cases it can be fixed. Problem is, he don't want to even try and says that when he agree to me to "no divorce" back then before we marry, he didn't sign any paper so he has no obligations to try and save our marriage.

The point is: I need a written agreement he can sign in the case I manage to convince him to go counseling with me to save our marriage. Because for what I know now, he will say "yes let's go counseling" but then never go, or go one time just because he didn't sign any paper saying that he will commit into saving our marriage and taking it seriously.
I'm not asking you to write one for me (when I do, I will be willing to pay though), basically what I'm asking is for some pointers of things that such agreement MUST include. Will we need witnesses ?? How about video recording it ?? I need to make a plan.
I'm thinking that if we do follow up with counseling and work on our marriage for a period of time we both agree, then we will either figure out that yes, divorce is imminent or at the very least give our marriage a second chance (in which case we might need to redo the agreement, I guess). I'm not accepting divorce unless we have tried every possible way to fix our marriage.

And my question is: how will law see it ?? if we end up divorcing, will such written agreement have any kind of impact (negative or otherwise) ??

Please share with me any thoughts or advice that you might have. I know this is a very silly thing, but I feel it is something I have to do to save THIS marriage with THIS man. You know, every person is different: you can convince a kid to take out the trash with a grape flavored candy, but you cannot convince the same kid with a strawberry one, see ?? you need to know the person you are dealing with. This man needs to sign some paper saying what he is going to do, or else he is not going to do it. He has broken 2 other promises and he gave the same answer: he didn't sign a paper so he don't have to do it. If I want to save this marriage, I need him to follow up with counseling for maybe at least year.

Anyway, I think I made my point and I don't want to waste more of your time. I appreciate that you read my post and will be very grateful for any advice.
If I posted this in the wrong forum, my apologies, it seemed the most appropriated to me from the available options.

Thank you for your time.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York.

Hi,

I know this will sound very weird, but I have come to a point in my marriage where if there is not a written agreement, then my husband believes he can do whatever he wants.

Without going into much detail: one reason for why I marry him, was because he agree with me that we won't divorce, that we would work and fix our marital problems as they arise. However, only 2 years later he is saying "the feeling is gone so we have to divorce". I know some of you are rolling their eyes thinking how common this problem is: if you read any marriage psychology, the 'new love' feeling lasts just as long and is totally normal, and in many cases it can be fixed. Problem is, he don't want to even try and says that when he agree to me to "no divorce" back then before we marry, he didn't sign any paper so he has no obligations to try and save our marriage.

The point is: I need a written agreement he can sign in the case I manage to convince him to go counseling with me to save our marriage. Because for what I know now, he will say "yes let's go counseling" but then never go, or go one time just because he didn't sign any paper saying that he will commit into saving our marriage and taking it seriously.
I'm not asking you to write one for me (when I do, I will be willing to pay though), basically what I'm asking is for some pointers of things that such agreement MUST include. Will we need witnesses ?? How about video recording it ?? I need to make a plan.
I'm thinking that if we do follow up with counseling and work on our marriage for a period of time we both agree, then we will either figure out that yes, divorce is imminent or at the very least give our marriage a second chance (in which case we might need to redo the agreement, I guess). I'm not accepting divorce unless we have tried every possible way to fix our marriage.

And my question is: how will law see it ?? if we end up divorcing, will such written agreement have any kind of impact (negative or otherwise) ??

Please share with me any thoughts or advice that you might have. I know this is a very silly thing, but I feel it is something I have to do to save THIS marriage with THIS man. You know, every person is different: you can convince a kid to take out the trash with a grape flavored candy, but you cannot convince the same kid with a strawberry one, see ?? you need to know the person you are dealing with. This man needs to sign some paper saying what he is going to do, or else he is not going to do it. He has broken 2 other promises and he gave the same answer: he didn't sign a paper so he don't have to do it. If I want to save this marriage, I need him to follow up with counseling for maybe at least year.

Anyway, I think I made my point and I don't want to waste more of your time. I appreciate that you read my post and will be very grateful for any advice.
If I posted this in the wrong forum, my apologies, it seemed the most appropriated to me from the available options.

Thank you for your time.

This is not really a legal issue, because there is no document that you can have him sign that would stop him from divorcing you. He doesn't need your agreement to get a divorce. It might take him longer to get one without your agreement, but he will still get one if that is what he wants.

Now, if you are talking about a non-legal agreement that you think he will adhere to if you get him to sign it anyway, then it really doesn't matter much how you word it. It won't be legally binding.

 

[justalayman]

so, let's say you have a written agreement. What happens if he simply refuses to abide by it?

 

[ecmst12]

A marriage can only be "saved" if both parties want to save it. And there is no contract that can compel him to WANT to stay with you. If he wants out of the marriage, there's not really anything you can do to stop him. This country frowns upon slavery and kidnapping.

 

[Glitch]

This is not really a legal issue, because there is no document that you can have him sign that would stop him from divorcing you. He doesn't need your agreement to get a divorce. It might take him longer to get one without your agreement, but he will still get one if that is what he wants.

Now, if you are talking about a non-legal agreement that you think he will adhere to if you get him to sign it anyway, then it really doesn't matter much how you word it. It won't be legally binding.

Yes, I think that if he had a paper saying he agrees to go counseling with me, he will actually do it, thats all I want. I just was worry that it would backfire somehow in the event we do end up in divorce.

so, let's say you have a written agreement. What happens if he simply refuses to abide by it?

Good question.
Probably some silly thing like "I get to keep the dog" or something, lol.

Thank you for the quick responses !!

 

[Proserpina]

Yes, I think that if he had a paper saying he agrees to go counseling with me, he will actually do it, thats all I want. I just was worry that it would backfire somehow in the event we do end up in divorce.



Good question.
Probably some silly thing like "I get to keep the dog" or something, lol.

Thank you for the quick responses !!

Hon, there's no chance of you fixing this relationship if you're deceiving the other party.

 

[justalayman]

Good question.
Probably some silly thing like "I get to keep the dog" or something, lol.
!

actually you could create something like this. It is often known as a post nuptial agreement. While you cannot force the other party to do much of anything, you can agree to a split of the marital assets should one party not act as agreed and it result in separating or divorcing. Part of the problem is the estates of the parties of a marriage are fluid. They are ever changing and as such, it becomes difficult to include future conditions in a manner that could be binding on the parties.


but as others have stated; if he is this resistive, chances are nothing you have him sign is going to get him to do something he wouldn't actually want to do even without the contract.

 

[Glitch]

A marriage can only be "saved" if both parties want to save it. And there is no contract that can compel him to WANT to stay with you. If he wants out of the marriage, there's not really anything you can do to stop him. This country frowns upon slavery and kidnapping.

I'm aware that he can divorce me any time he wishes, that's not the issue tho. I don't know what to answer about the "slavery and kidnapping" part. I fail to see how a silly agreement is related to that.

But, I do apologize for being so naive in this matter. I have never been involved in a divorce and don't know anyone who has, so I don't know what to expect. I did watch the "Divorce Court" TV show, and those people 'attack' each other with documents of all kinds; so I was wondering how this agreement would impact my divorce when/if it happens... and well, be ready for it.

actually you could create something like this. It is often known as a post nuptial agreement. While you cannot force the other party to do much of anything, you can agree to a split of the marital assets should one party not act as agreed and it result in separating or divorcing. Part of the problem is the estates of the parties of a marriage are fluid. They are ever changing and as such, it becomes difficult to include future conditions in a manner that could be binding on the parties.


but as others have stated; if he is this resistive, chances are nothing you have him sign is going to get him to do something he wouldn't actually want to do even without the contract.

Oh I did learn about that when I was googleing around for things related to this matter. I didn't think it would apply to what this agreement is about, but I will give it a consideration.

Basically what I was thinking is: if this man needs to sign some kind of paper so he can actually take something seriously, then let the man have his paper.
Its like when a child won't eat his vegetables unless his mom put some colorful sprinkles on it, then when you can't get the kid to eat his vegetables, sprinkle them! The point is to get the kid to do something that is actually healthy for him; just as in my case to get my husband to do something that is healthy for our dying marriage. We obviously have problems and we failed to communicate them, so we need help. I think if we go counseling, there is a good chance to face the problems, fix them, and therefore save our marriage. But as it has been pointed out, he can divorce me whenever he so wishes... and I would be needing a lawyer.

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm glad that I used this forum, you are all very smart and helpful.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm aware that he can divorce me any time he wishes, that's not the issue tho. I don't know what to answer about the "slavery and kidnapping" part. I fail to see how a silly agreement is related to that.

But, I do apologize for being so naive in this matter. I have never been involved in a divorce and don't know anyone who has, so I don't know what to expect. I did watch the "Divorce Court" TV show, and those people 'attack' each other with documents of all kinds; so I was wondering how this agreement would impact my divorce when/if it happens... and well, be ready for it.



Oh I did learn about that when I was googleing around for things related to this matter. I didn't think it would apply to what this agreement is about, but I will give it a consideration.

Basically what I was thinking is: if this man needs to sign some kind of paper so he can actually take something seriously, then let the man have his paper.
Its like when a child won't eat his vegetables unless his mom put some colorful sprinkles on it, then when you can't get the kid to eat his vegetables, sprinkle them! The point is to get the kid to do something that is actually healthy for him; just as in my case to get my husband to do something that is healthy for our dying marriage. We obviously have problems and we failed to communicate them, so we need help. I think if we go counseling, there is a good chance to face the problems, fix them, and therefore save our marriage. But as it has been pointed out, he can divorce me whenever he so wishes... and I would be needing a lawyer.

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm glad that I used this forum, you are all very smart and helpful.

To so recap, you know what's best for your husband, and you apparently don't know the difference between kids and vegetables, and a competent adult.

That about right?